


Take Me Home

by christina100



Category: Emmerdale, Robert/Aaron, robron
Genre: M/M, Robron Week 2017
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-01-07 04:57:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 96,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12226221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christina100/pseuds/christina100
Summary: With his spirit broken and the weight of the world resting on his shoulders, Robert Sugden re-buys his ancestral home, Emmerdale Farm. Locking himself away from everyone, Robert withdraws into the shadows, becoming a shell of himself and cutting off all contact with the outside world. No one knows what he's doing or how he can be helped. But Robert has found comfort in an old box, hidden away in his grandmothers old room. It's a box of his family's history on the farm, dating back to the Crimean War. Nothing can pull Robert out of the house now, and as days turn into weeks, his loved ones begin to panic. Can Aaron and the Sugdens save him before he has completely given up on life? Or will Robert draw his strength from his ancestors of Emmerdale Farm?





	1. God's Own Country

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: Hey guys! First Robron fanfic as promised via twitter! All rights of course go to Emmerdale and ITV! This story however is mine! Can't deal with the God awful one we've been given so we gotta make up our own!
> 
> Enjoy! And let me know what you think!

 

Sentimentality was never his strongest trait. Robert Jacob Sugden shoved his hands in his leather jacket, gazing across at the squat farmhouse, sitting untouched at the bottom of the hill. The sharp Autumnal air, nipped at his ears, forcing him to shuffle his scarf a little further up his neck. His fingers crept toward the cold, metal keys nestled safely in his pocket. Re -buying Emmerdale Farm was the best decision he could've made. Finally, his blessed ancestors could smile down upon him. He never understood why his father fought tooth and nail for the place. All Robert cared about was his family. He wanted them to just stay together and be happy, no matter where they were. But his father's obsession over the farm and the legacy, ignoring Robert's own wishes and dreams for life, ruined everything. The farm was a grenade into his parents marriage and the catalyst for a whirlwind of disaster.

This damn farm.

His mother died for it, he poisoned his relationship with his brother for it, he fell out with his father for it…

So why did he gravitate back here?

Perhaps as he grew older, Robert understood the need to cling on so desperately to the comfort of the past.

"Nothing ever changes around here does it?"

A crisp, plum voice cut through the chilly air. Robert turned, smiling at the smartly dressed man sauntering toward him.

"All right Olly. How's things? Robert asked.

Oliver shrugged, patting down his dark, slicked hair with a gloved hand. "Italy's okay. But it's nice to be back home once in a while. Then again you know us Verney's. We never could be satisfied with one place for very long!"

Robert scoffed, "Yeah, I hear you. And what about your old man, how's he doing?"

Oliver waved his hand in a dismissive manner, "Ah he's still the same. He's not coping as much with things so he's left it all to me to look after. Finally selling the land and Emmerdale Farm… best decision the family's made in generations! It'll pay off a lot of debts. And we wouldn't sell it to just anyone you know. But the Sugdens and Verneys go way back. It's almost like we signed some kind of contract. Ever since your great-great-great grandfather Joshua, saved mine in the Crimean War and risked his life! Guess we owe you forever!"

A smile tugged at Robert's lips. "Thanks Olly. You won't regret this."

"It doesn't matter if I do or don't, we're done with this place. My kind of people don't rule this village anymore Rob. We haven't for a long time."

"You could always come back." Robert said, the devious cogs in his brain suddenly whirring into motion. "Re-claim Home Farm. Come on, it's your birthright, the house has been in your family for what? Five hundred years!"

"Was Rob. It was in my family for five centuries yes, but you know we had to sell up and get lost!" Oliver kicked some dirt under his perfectly polished shoe. "It's been hard, I won't lie. An Earl, the great Verney dynasty, living abroad with old money and new debts. But it's a changing world. And my lot got caught up in the middle of it all. Buried my head in the sand, let all the money drain away. Do me a favour Rob. Don't let it happen to this place."

Robert shook his head, "I won't. Trust me."

Oliver smiled, reaching into the depths of his dark overcoat. "Knew you'd say that. Robert Sugden," He pulled out a thin, folded piece of paper, "You are now the proud owner of Emmerdale Farm. Again."

Robert plucked the contract from the young Viscount's hands, unfolding it with trembling fingers. For the first time in months, he felt a surge of hope.

Black and white, there it was. Robert Jacob Sugden. Owner of Emmerdale Farm. At last!

Butlers. Wileys. Even the Dingles meagre pig farm was nothing compared to the acres of land he now owned! It was better than pocketing the land Home Farm boasted! Robert silently thanked God that the Verneys had the good sense not to sell this portion of land before they left.

He wondered why Lawrence never thought to seek it out for purchase. Perhaps everyone just… forgot it even existed.

"So how do you feel?" Oliver smirked.

Robert released a low whistle, "Amazing! I can't believe I own it. Feels like a dream. Thank you for procuring it back for us Oliver. God, you don't know how much I need this right now. Everything's such a mess right now Olly. If my Dad could see me now… " Robert bit down on his lip, struggling to keep the tears at bay.

Oliver laid a sympathetic hand on the young man's shoulder, "Hey, don't give up Rob. Look, I don't know the ins and outs of what happened, but I know you. And I know you're a fighter."

"Am I?" Robert sighed, "I don't know Olly. I'm so tired of it all…"

"What's up?"

"I just… I need a place to disappear into. And I can't rent a place anymore; I'm done with that. I need something to call my own. I'm thirty-one, I've been lumbered with a kid I didn't ask for, I own shares in two businesses – which I might need to sell in order to run this place – and I have nowhere to call home! Can't stay at my sister's gaff. Not after everything… her guilty fussing will only drive me nuts! Thought maybe I could get Annie's Cottage or Jacob's Fold, you know, the two places named after my grandparents? But I was so distracted I took my eye of the ball and lost them too! And… I thought the Mill Cottage would've been my home but… that didn't work out either. I don't own it. I wanted to own the Woolpack but no… couldn't get that. Couldn't even get my hands on your Home Farm in the end. So I need this Oliver. I need to just go back… go back and start again."

Oliver merely nodded, a sad smile gracing his lips. "I don't understand your rambling. But I get it. Your life sucks. And I know I'm not supposed to ask questions but I thought you might want this." He reached further into his pocket and drew out a stack of letters and postcards.

Robert's stomach churned in excitement.

Oliver scrunched up his face as he handed over the packet, "Look I don't know who Bombasto Thunderhammer is… erm, nor do I want to! But he – and another guy, Brian Moore can't stop writing to you. They don't say much. But whoever the hell they are… they obviously really miss you."

Robert nearly snatched the letters up, "Thanks Olly, I can't tell you how much this means to me! And thanks for not asking questions and letting us use your address. I can't explain it but… you've really helped us."

Oliver laughed, "Anything for you!"He nodded toward the farmhouse, "Now, on a more serious note – I've had the foresight to get some guys in there and do a full extermination, so you won't find any wildlife running around the house. I've also had them take down some furniture from the loft… can't promise it'll be clean but it's the thought that counts right? The water meter is okay, but not great, just don't freak out when some brown sludge spurts out of the shower – it's mud! I promise it's mud! There are nails sticking out of the floorboards in the master bedroom so I hope you got a tetanus shot. Also, the back door sticks a bit so you might have to give it a good kick every now and then. Or just fix it. Whatever, I don't care anymore, it's not my problem!"

Robert's smile dripped off his face. "I'm starting to realise why this was so cheap now." He said, his voice clipped. "Sugdens and Verneys go way back? My arse!"

"Hey, hey!" Oliver threw up his hands in defence, "It's still a very hot property I'll have you know!"

"Yeah, a sizzling money pit!"

Oliver thumped Robert's shoulder; "I'll see you then! Good luck with it all. Oh yeah, there are some tins of paint under the sink. You might want to save some dosh and paint over a spot of damp on the wall, in the living room. Just a thought! Enjoy!"

Ignoring Robert's scowl, he scurried away, hitching up the collar on his designer coat.

Suddenly Robert called out to him, "Hey what date is it today?"

Oliver spun back, yelling, "October Sixteenth!"

Robert nodded, "Right." He muttered to himself, "Let's do this."

He hitched up his plump kit bag over his shoulder and strode toward his new home.

As he walked down the hill, new memories stirred up, unannounced in his mind. One particular memory flashed before him. His pudgy little hand holding onto a man's finger as he tried to toddle across this very field. The man had a kind face and warm smile.

Jackie. His brother. The only full blood brother he's ever had. And he was gone.

A few miles away, the rest of his family lay under the earth, waiting for him to join them. His grandmother had impressively clung onto life all these years, buried husbands, all her children, some grandchildren and yet she continued to plough on. But Robert knew that when her time came, she'd be back here. In Emmerdale. With the rest of them. Probably buried next to his grandfather.

Never mind shelling out for a new headstone for his Dad, he should just erect a crypt, name it The Sugden Crypt, move his family in there and be done with it. It still irked him that Adam had paid for his Dad's headstone without permission. Of course it was all a cheap ploy to worm his way back into Victoria's bed. Robert wasn't having any of that. He sought Adam out at the scrapyard and threw an envelope of cash at him. Adam had tried to protest but Robert ignored him – and Aaron who was watching the whole exchange through the window with curious eyes.

When he found out about the baby – the way it had been conceived and the violation that he had been subjected to, his entire mind just shut down. He grabbed whatever clothes and items he could, including several bottles of Jack Daniels, shoved it in the bag and drove as far away from the village as he could.

His phone shuddered. Robert dug into his back pocket and glanced at the screen. Ten missed calls from Victoria, eight from Diane and… five from Aaron. Two from Liv.

So. They all know.

Robert's heart clenched. The whole damn village would be laughing at him, snickering behind his back whenever he walked down the street. The mighty Robert Sudgden, finally fallen.

Robert tapped on his messages icon, swallowing nervously at the handful of worried texts, waiting for him.

Victoria:

Rob, you okay? xx

Aaron:

Where are you?

Victoria:

Pick up! Xx

Diane:

Robert please call us, we're worried pet. x

Liv:

Are you okay? We know what that slapper did to you! Aaron's so pissed off! Wanna talk? I'll bring the brandy! ;) Xx

Aaron:

Are you okay? Look, just ignore Liv, I saw her text, she's tactless!

Charity:

Is it true what they're saying? Even I wouldn't do something like that!

Charity:

Also, Aaron's looking for you.

Aaron:

Oi, you at the bridge?

Liv:

Aaron's gone out searching for you. Please let me know you're okay then I can tell him. You don't have to talk to him. Xx

Aaron:

Okay Rob. Starting to worry now.

Adam:

Vic is going out of her mind. So is Aaron. Let us know what's going on mate.

Aaron:

Heading off to the quarry now. You better not have done anything stupid, swear to God!

Liv:

Aaron thinks you've topped yourself. Please call. xx

Victoria:

Please call me, we're worried about you! I love you xx

Chas:

Aaron's going mad with worry. Let him know where you are please. Can't believe that twisted cow did that to you! Could wring her neck!

Diane:

Robert I don't like this texting nonsense. I'm sorry pet, but you can't stay mad at us forever. Victoria and I are going spare! And Aaron is very worried about you too. He won't stop asking where you are. Him and Liv both. Been driving around trying to find you. Ring us. Please. D xx

Adam:

Listen mate I know it's hard right now but please let someone know where you are!

Victoria:

Robert, I'm so sorry, just let me know you're okay! Before it gets dark! xx

Bernice:

You know people are looking for you right? x

Victoria:

I understand if you don't want to talk to us right now! And I'm so so sorry! But let us know you're okay! xx

Diane:

Pet, you've got a loving family right here. Ring us. D xx

Victoria:

Cut it out Rob! Where the hell are you?

Liv:

If you're worried about that witch being around then don't! She wouldn't dare show her face! I'll protect you! xx

Chas:

If you've run off to lick your wounds, could you at least tell your family and Aaron? They're clucking around like hens over here!

Nicola:

I'll cover the meeting for you tomorrow. I take it you won't be in for some time now.

Diane:

Robert this is going beyond a joke now. Pick up the phone or ring us back! x

Aaron:

Why aren't you picking up?

Victoria:

Rob, you're scaring me now!

Liv:

Rob? You okay? Where are you? I'll come to you? Xx

Victoria:

If you don't get in touch within the next ten minutes I'm sending out a search party and then the police!

Liv`:

Dude? You alive? xx

Aaron:

People are worried about you!

Aaron:

Or don't you care?

Don't you care? Of course passive aggressiveness would be Aaron's first port of call. Why was Aaron calling him anyway? He heard murmurings about a new guy on the horizon, usually from Adam or Paddy. Anytime he was within kicking distance of course. But Robert was now too far broken to even pretend to give a damn. He waited for it. The rush of jealousy. The anger. Pain. But nothing. It was as if he had nothing left to give anyone.

He was done feeling guilty, done apologising and done with being the village's emotional punch bag! He had half a mind to text: Just go screw yourselves - to almost everyone on his contact list.

Restraint won in the end.

Robert tapped a quick text to Victoria:

I'm fine. Just bought Emmerdale Farm back. Yes sis, I'm going home. No, this isn't a joke. Right now I need to be left alone. Just thought you should know. Despite everything I'm going through - I still care. Xx

His thumb hit the send button before he could delete the message, watching the two lines of his reply attach itself to the tiny white screen. A few miles away, Victoria would receive it. He knew Aaron would be hovering around, waiting for the response. And he knew Victoria would read it aloud, probably to Diane but within the earshot of his ex-husband. And the 'I still care,' would replay in his mind. Maybe. Who knows at this point? He wanted to text Liv personally and assure her he wasn't dead… but it wasn't his place anymore. If he was going to do this – it had to be done properly. All chains to that life must be broken.

Robert gazed at the portrait of himself, Liv and Aaron, squeezed into his home screen. He scrolled through the camera roll until he found the one he was looking for. A picture he had snapped from an album at Victoria's house. Himself and Andy aged ten, grinning cheekily at the camera behind their parents, whilst Victoria chuckled on their mother's knee. A smile tugged at his lips. Robert's finger hovered over the 'replace' button on his screen. One click and they're gone.

He quickly saved the old picture as his new screensaver. Why? He didn't know the answer to that. Of all the people in that picture, two were dead, one was on the run and one had sided with the woman who had ruined his life. Granted Victoria hadn't known the truth – she was just as desperate for a baby and a family as Robert was. But it still stung. So did Diane's attitude towards the whole sorry mess. He felt touched that people were so worried about his safety at this point in time, but right now it's too little, too late.

His thumb stabbed the power button, holding it down until the new picture was swallowed into darkness.

Aaron had told him over and over again how much he needed space and how his presence made him worse. He spoke to Robert like he was some toxic poison he needed to flush out of his system, not a man who loved and worshipped him.

The man who had saved his damn life!

Well, now Aaron wanted Robert out of that life and his wish just got granted. Liv tried to make room in her life for him, but Robert could see it aggravated Aaron so he backed off. If it weren't for him tracking Sandra down, Liv would never have found Aaron. If it weren't for him bringing Andy into the house and begging his parents to foster him, Andy wouldn't have had a family.

How is it that he always managed to find other people families but could never find one of his own?

Robert halted before the farmhouse. The windows were boarded up, old farmyard equipment resting against the wall, untouched and caked with dirt. Cobwebs weaved their silver threads around the crusted metal, staking their claim.

With Andy's letters tucked safely under his arm, Robert slowly bent his knee; lowering himself to the ground. He opened his hand and laid it upon the rich, fresh earth, closing his eyes and just letting the wind whistle into his ears. His fingers wove into the callous blades of grass, bunching it into his palm. He had to touch, feel, embrace the ghosts of the Sugden farmers whose blood, sweat and tears had watered this very land for over a century.

"Dad." He whispered, tears prickling his eyes, "I get it now. I'm home."

\-----

To be continued...


	2. Into The Flames

"Come on, come on you bastard!" Robert growled, poking his key into the stiff lock. He thumped his shoulder against the stubborn door.

Once.

Twice.

On his third attempt, the door gave way, flinging open and dragging him into the house. He caught his balance, stumbling against the wall.

It was the smell. That was the first thing that smacked him full on in the face, that damp, musty stench, seeping into the back of his throat. Robert coughed through the burning sensation, throwing an arm over his nose.

He crossed the threshold, kicking the door shut behind him and sliding the two bolts across it.

Alone. At last.

He took a tentative step into the house. It was as if he'd stepped back in time. Tiny slices of of daylight, streamed through the cracks in the window. A battered sofa and two large armchairs sat in the middle of the room, underneath a moth eaten dust cover. Robert hesitated, watching the pinpricks of dust, dancing in the light. He wondered whether he should take the boards off the windows, start working on getting the place up to scratch. But right now, his heart felt too heavy. He wanted nothing more than to drag that battered old sofa toward the fireplace and get to work on those bottles of Jack Daniels rattling around in his bag.

Robert sauntered into the kitchen area, a smile playing about his lips. The long kitchen table with the bench seats was still there. The wood was chewed up and sprinkled with dust. The stove was still in tact, the gas cooker a little charred around the edges. Oh how many times had he hung around this very kitchen, leaning against the doorframe, watching his grandmother's kettle whistling on that stove, whilst his father and Uncle Joe bickered over footpaths and milking cows?

How simple it all was.

Heart thumping, Robert climbed the rickety staircase to his parents old room. He didn't know what to expect, pushing open the flimsy door. A large bed sat against the wall. A low wooden beam stretched across the ceiling. Robert ducked as he entered the room, resting his arms on the beam, just like he'd seen his Dad do, hundreds of times in his memories. He stared at the bed… was that it? Was he born there?

He felt it again. That tug in his gut, in his heart. Telling him, this was where he belonged. He was loved in this house. This house was a home, a proper one. He had people in his life, looking out for and looking after him.

With his broken heart feeling a little lighter, Robert whipped off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and started to clean up a little. He ripped off the dust cover, patted down the couch and chairs, gave the kitchen a thorough wipe down and poured himself a stiff mug of whiskey. He leaned against the fireplace, gazing at the house, slowly coming back to life.

Robert was seven years old, when he had last set foot here and had few precious memories of the place. And a great deal of those few memories were of his father and Uncle Joe, nestled comfortably in those chairs, sipping a glass of scotch whilst chatting about their day. It had become a ritual of theirs. So much so, when his Uncle Joe had died, his Dad kept vigil all night, a glass of scotch in his hand and the bottle balancing on the coffin. Robert furrowed his brow, thinking about all the rituals he and Andy used to have. The milkshakes at the diner after school and then later, sneaking their Dad's beer from the fridge and sharing a can in the barn. Tears pricked his eyes. How he wished he could snatch it all back! All the hate, the hurt and pain that coursed between them over the years. How many times had Andy reached out to him with an olive branch? And Robert just shoved it back in his face. Why?

Robert always wanted what his father and Uncle Joe had had. A stable, Sugden brotherly bond. Jackie was gone. Tommy Merrick, his maternal half-brother was off in Scotland somewhere with his half-sister Sandie and they hadn't spoken in twenty-odd years.

Andy was his brother. The one who shared his room, his toys, his later memories, everything.

Of course they made up before Andy had left, but it just made the situation worse. Another brother was gone. And was probably never coming back.

Pushing the dark thoughts away from his mind, he tossed a couple of logs into the fireplace and struck a match. Immediately, his mind wandered toward his mother Sarah, as he threw the flickering match onto the logs. The flames crackled boldly, coughing up sparks, spitting ashes onto the worn floor. Warmth filtered from the fireplace, spreading around the cold, stale room.

Fire always intrigued and terrified Robert. Ever since that God awful night when his mother burnt to death in that barn, her piercing screams of agony and her last ever word  _"Jaaaaaack!"_  still haunted his nightmares. He had been a boy of fourteen, standing by helplessly as his whole world was quite literally engulfed in flames. Someone – he couldn't remember who exactly – but somebody had told him that he was very lucky to have had two mothers in his life.

Robert chuckled bitterly, reaching for his mug and taking a long sip of whiskey, enjoying the burning liquid trickling down his throat. Oh yes, he was very lucky! How many people had he called 'mother' in his life?

One he called 'Birth mother' who had carried him in her body for nine months and then brought him into this world, but died when he was just four months old. One he called 'Mum' who voluntarily raised and loved him as if he were her own and then died so cruelly, when he was still so young. And one he called 'Stepmum' who had married his father and was now tied to him because of a  _'promise I made Jack.'_

Robert loved Diane very much, of course he did. And he knew that she had been beside herself with worry when he got shot. But he couldn't help but wonder about this mysterious promise and why it extended to him… when his Dad had made it perfectly clear that he was washing his hands off him. His mother Sarah had always taken his side. During the most heated rows between himself and his Dad, it was his Mum that always defended him.

A piece of him also died that night in the barn fire. His Dad knew it. His Gran knew it. Even Andy knew it.

Little Bobby Sugden... became just Robert Sugden. And he was never the same again.

Whenever he saw a harmless fire, like this one, he wanted to believe his mother was there, watching over him. Talking to him. Reassuring him in that soothing voice, that everything was going to be okay as she cuddled him on her lap.

A tear slipped down his cheek.

"Hiya Mum." Robert whispered into the flames, "Look at your boy now. Look at what a mess he is."

He sniffed. Wiping his nose with his sleeve, he took another long sip of whiskey. "You know… Mum… when I was up in that bedroom earlier, I remembered something. I couldn't have been more than six. Gran had just told me about my real Mummy, the one who gave birth to me. And I came running to you and Dad in the bedroom and you just pulled me onto the bed, cuddled me close and told me that my real Mummy had gone to Heaven… and you were there to love and look after me, for her. You didn't have to. But you did. And God, I love you for that. You taught me about that kind of selflessness and free love. Love you can choose. That I could love Andy as my brother. His kids as my niece and nephew. You know, I took on someone as a stepson and tried to give him my love but erm… yeah it didn't work out. Because er… well because…" His lips trembled, more tears threatening to spill. "You see I did choose to love someone Mum. I chose to love him freely. And I chose to love his family, his sister as my own. Because you taught me that you can do that – you can choose your family and who you love! So why have I messed everything up? And why am I finding it so hard to cough up any kind of love for my own kid? Mum… I really wish you… I wish you could've met him. I can't say his name. It's er… it's too hard. But you know. I know you do. And I know you wouldn't have judged me. You would've calmed Dad down. You would've been on my side. I could really do with someone on my side, just for onc -"

The tears tore from his throat, he crumbled to the floor, palms pressed against his eyes. His sobs echoed around the empty house. Robert curled up in a ball by the fire, allowing it's warmth to wash over him. No one was there to offer him any other comfort, except the ghosts of the people who had come and gone.

Eventually his tears ran dry. He had nothing left. In fact, he could quite happily stay like this. He'd be found, weeks later, sprawled on the cold, hard floor, starved or frozen to death.

A muffled sound outside, of a car crunching on gravel, caught his attention. He lifted his head off the floor, listening carefully, his cheeks stained with salty tracks.

A door slammed.

Robert's heartbeat accelerated, his throat running dry. No. He wasn't ready for company. Not yet.

He knew he'd have to face them sooner or later –

The front door hammered three times.

Robert sighed, letting his head fall onto his arm.

 _"_ _Robert!"_  Victoria yelled from outside,  _"Rob! Rob! What are you doing in there? Open the door, please!"_

He didn't budge.

 _"_ _Come on Pet."_  Diane said softly,  _"We're not going to ask why you're back here, we just want to know you're okay."_

Robert huffed in irriation. Didn't they read his text? What part of 'I want to be left alone,' did they not understand? They seemed to understand it when he needed them the most. In fact, they were usually very good at backing off and leaving him alone.

 _"_ _Love, we know you're in there. Your car's parked in the driveway and we can see smoke coming out of the chimney!"_  Diane hollered.

Robert mumbled to himself, "There. You know I'm okay, now please go away."

 _"_ _At least just – open a window or something!"_  Victoria yelled, desperation rife in her voice.  _"Let us know you're alive yeah!"_

Robert felt a twinge of guilt. She genuinely was worried about him. He didn't want to cause anymore panic or upset in their lives.

 _"_ _Vic. Ask him if he needs anything."_

Robert's stomach plummeted.

Aaron! He was here!

Robert glanced curiously at the fire, still dancing brightly. "Mum…?"

 _"_ _You ask him."_  Came Victoria's sharp response.

 _"_ _Just ask him will ya?"_

 _"_ _No, you do it! Go on. Ask him. He might actually open the door for you!"_

 _"_ _She's right."_  Diane said, slightly hopeful,  _"If you talk to him, he might let us all in."_

Robert held his breath, waiting to hear it… just waiting to hear the voice he had missed with every fibre of his being. He longed to hear that voice, laced with concern. No sarcasm, anger or hateful threats. Even just a modicum of worry on Aaron's behalf about Robert's dispositon would be enough at this point. If he heard it, if Aaron just whispered to him, he'll crawl across the hard floor on his elbows and open that damn door!

There was a couple of seconds of silence. Then…

 _"_ _Forget it."_

What?

Forget it?

So that's how much he meant to him right now is it? He could be dead for all they know and Aaron's answer is 'Forget it.'

Robert curled his fingers into a fist, anger swelling within him. So. After months of ignoring him, hurling insults, cold shouldering him and parading a new guy around, Aaron decides to come to his home, his space, and kick him further?

No.

 _"_ _Yeah. That's your motto isn't it? Forget it."_  Victoria hissed. Robert felt a prickle of pride for his little sister.  _"Ugh, I could thump you right now! We don't know what's going on in that head of his! You're the only one who can help him and you won't!"_

 _"_ _Vic – I can't -"_

 _"_ _No it's not 'can't' you won't!_   _Ugh, just go away Aaron. Leave me alone, let me help my brother by myself!"_  She pounded on the door again,  _"Robert! Open up, now!"_

 _"_ _Oh, because you've done a great job helping him so far haven't you?"_  Aaron snarled.

Robert lifted himself off the floor, his head spinning.

 _"_ _You what?"_

 _"_ _What the hell were you doing eh, when all of this was kicking off?"_

 _"_ _Please you two!"_  Diane begged,  _"This really isn't helping Robert -"_

 _"_ _You were too busy fussing over that mad cow, moving her into your house and becoming her bezzie mate when the whole time she was playing your brother and laughing at you!"_

 _"_ _She was laughing at all of us Aaron, not just Victoria!"_  Diane injerjected.

 _"_ _How dare you!"_  Victoria spat,  _"Seriously Aaron, how dare you!"_

 _"_ _Victoria -"_

 _"_ _No Diane, he needs telling! First, you beat someone up, get sent down, hooked on drugs, say some vile things to Robert when he was the only one keeping things going - for you! Then he has a moment of weakness and that cow takes advantage of him!"_

Robert dragged himself to the staircase, hands clamped over his ears. He didn't want to hear anymore of this, it was bad enough living through it the first time.

 _"_ _Then he really needed you Aaron!" Victoria cried, "He needed you to be the strong one for a change! But you chucked him out, cut him off and left him out shivering in the cold!"_

 _"_ _Shut up."_  Aaron's tight voice carried a thin, veiled threat.

Robert closed his eyes. He knew that voice only too well. How many times had it been directed at him? How many times had he been humiliated by that voice? Bearing his soul, only to be shot down, again and again?

Luckily for him now, he was within his fortress. Protected by the walls of his family's house. For the first time in months, he actually felt safe.

Except they were out there, spoiling it.

 _"_ _I was there for him!"_ Victoria screeched, her voice thick with suppressed tears, _"I was there to pick him up when you dragged him out of the closet and outed him in front of everyone, humiliating him in the place he grew up in!"_

_"Victoria that's enough pet -"_

_"And I was there for him when you kept on pushing and pushing and pushing him away! But you've pushed him too far! And he'll never come back from this now -!"_

_"_ _Listen, you shut your mouth right now or -!"_

 _"_ _Or what? You'll hit me too?"_

 _"_ _Stop it!"_  Diane shrieked,  _"Listen to you two! He'll never open the door now will he? Not with you both sniping at each other! Just go home the pair of you! I can't stand the sight of you!"_

 _"No..._ _Diane I'm staying, I have to help him - I - I have to make it right."_  Victoria whimpered.

 _"_ _No love. You don't see it do you? Either of you. Both of you, so wrapped up in your own petty need to shift the blame onto each other, you can't see it!"_

 _"_ _See what?"_  Aaron asked, his voice suddenly timid.

 _"_ _A person can only take so much."_  Diane said, her tone shaking in worry.  _"And for Robert... this is the final straw. He's broken. And he won't let us fix him."_

"Now you get it." Robert whispered. He stomped up the creaking staircase, a bottle of whiskey still swinging from his fingertips.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	3. J. Sugden

Thump. Thump. Thump.

"Go away!" Robert groaned, rolling onto his side, he threw an arm over his ear to block out the incessant noise.

 _"_ _Robert!"_  Victoria yelled, her voice drifting to the upstairs window.  _"I'm really starting to get irritated now! And I'm not the only one! Nicola said there are some clients that are annoyed, asking where you are! And Adam says there are some tax stuff you need to do for the scrapyard!"_

"Good." He murmured, "See how they can cope without me for a bit."

Besides. He'd be selling his share in the businesses soon anyway. So they'll have to learn to manage without him. And if Aaron or Adam started on him, he'd have to stand his ground. This place needed his full attention and he wasn't going to be bullied into anything!

Robert snuck a glance at his watch. It had just gone half two in the afternoon. With his head thumping, he slowly eased himself up, gazing blearily around, waiting for his vision to swim back into focus. He was in his parents old room, lying atop their bed. Andy's postcards and letters were scattered on the floor. Two empty bottles of Jack Daniels sat glaring at him from the nightstand. He swallowed, his mouth dry. Water. He needed it now.

Ignoring the pounding of his front door and the empty threats filtering from outside, Robert stripped off his clothes and lurched into the shower. He enjoyed the warm water, trickling off his skin, seeping into his hair. He scrubbed himself as clean as possible, using most of the tiny bar of soap. He realized quickly that he needed supplies, but didn't want to leave the safe haven of his house.

Maybe Victoria could help…

Towelling his damp hair, he quickly pulled on a fresh pair of sweats, an old sports shirt and padded downstairs, his phone clutched in his hand.

The front door still rattled from Victoria's furious hammering.

 _"_ _Robert! If you don't open up now, I'm calling the police!"_  She hollered. Robert crept toward the door, resting his hand against the bolt. He wanted to see her, to hug her and tell her that everything was okay.

That he was okay.

But it was a lie. And he didn't want to lie anymore, he was done with that. He quickly tapped out a message:

_I'm safe here Vic. Please, no police. Just need to be alone. But… can you pick up some stuff for me? Thanks xx_

He hit send and held his breath. The tiny ping on the other side of the door, told him that she'd received the message. There was a brief pause as Victoria read the message. She sighed.  _"Rob. Why won't you talk to me?"_

Guilt stirred in his gut. He knew he should just wrench open the door and face his little sister… but he couldn't.

 _"_ _Is it because you think I didn't take your side?"_  Victoria asked, her voice trembling slightly,  _"Because I'm always on your side. And I'm so so sorry! Robert, you're my big brother, I love you so much. Everyone always leaves me. Mum, Dad, Daz, Andy… Rob, you're all I've got. I'm so happy you came back home. And even though it's so random of you buying our family's old farm… I kind of understand. Everyone in the village is talking about it. Just… please don't hate me. Hate Rebecca, of course you should, hate the Whites, hate the world... but just don't hate me. I can take your anger, but I can't take it if you keep shutting me out and hating me!"_

Robert's thumbs worked furiously, tapping out his response:

_Vic, I could never hate you. Ever. I genuinely can't talk to anyone right now. But I need some things and you're the only one I can count on. Please pick the rest of my stuff up from your place. And also some basic essentials. Please do this for me. I love you. Xx_

He hit send. And waited. Victoria read the message silently.

 _"_ _Okay Rob."_  She said, her tone lighter,  _"I'll pick you up some stuff and drop it off. But I'm not giving up on you. Not by a long shot."_

Robert waited until he heard her footsteps disappear, the car door slam and then the comforting sound of the car pulling away. Finally, leaving him alone.

He took a deep breath, wandering into the kitchen. Funnily enough, he didn't want any food, his appetite was treading a thin line.

Robert found some candles in a drawer and wasted no time in lighting them. Even though it was mid-afternoon, they added a gothic glow to the waning farmouse.

He needed to start making this house a home again and quickly. Maybe once he had his things back, the house would slowly come back to life. He wondered if there were any old photos of the place, something which he could use as a starting point.

There was a musty, wooden chest, shoved in the back of his grandmother's old room. It was a secret hiding place in the wall, something which one of his forefathers had built, allegedly to hide his whiskey stash from the wife.

Robert had never opened it and his Gran had never shown him. She always told him there would be plenty of time to see the box, when he was older.

Well… he wasn't getting any younger now.

He ripped the boards off the windows in his grandmother's room, wincing as the streams of daylight gleamed into the room. Robert found the opening of the wall, just near the door. He pushed his hand inside, gritting his teeth and praying silently that those exterminators had truly cleared all the rats, festering in this place. His fingers brushed against a cold lock. Heart thumping, Robert turned on his stomach, stretching his hand further inside. His fingers entwined around the lock. Carefully, he dragged the large box toward him and eased it out of the wall. Rotating his throbbing arm, he gleefully ran his thumb over the box. It was larger than he remembered and covered in a film of dust. He blew on it, lightly brushing off the lid. The chest was pitch black. Stamped across the side of the box, in gold lettering read:

**PROPERTY OF J. SUGDEN, 1850.**

Hands trembling in excitement and possibly lack of nutrition, Robert flipped the lid open.

Piles and piles of black and white photos lay scattered upon five, thick, leather bound books. Robert rootled around the box, grabbing handfuls of pictures, stacks of watermarked letters bound together with ribbons, a few battered vinyl records from the fifties and sixties.

Robert reclined against the wall and decided to sift through the contents, piece by piece.

* * *

"Hey Vic, what are you doing?"

Victoria hastily stuffed a large gym bag, containing the last of Robert's clothes, into the boot of Doug's car. She quickly closed the boot, turning around to face Aaron who was now jogging up to her, curiosity etched upon his rugged features and a coffee cup nestled in his hand. Liv trailed closely behind him, watching Victoria, her eyes tinged with sadness.

"What do you want?" Victoria asked coolly, trying to block the rear window. Aaron's eyes already drifted towards it.

"I er… saw you putting some stuff inside. Thought maybe…"

"Maybe what?" Victoria folded her arms, glaring at him. "You can say his name you know. It won't kill ya!"

"Isn't that Robert's stuff?" Liv asked, pointing at a stack of Game of Thrones books, pressing up against the window.

Victoria shook her head, "I'm donating stuff to the charity shop."

Aaron narrowed his eyes, "Really?"

"Yes."

"Only, I bought him those Game of Thrones stuff for Christmas." He said, his tone even. "Can't stand that God awful show. I only watched it to make him happy."

"We spent ages looking stuff up on online." Liv added, her voice forlorn. "He loved it. I remember."

"So either you're nicking things off him to give to charity or there's something else going on." Aaron said, his eyes narrowing.

Victoria's expression hardened. "Well, just look on the bright side Aaron. You don't have to watch that God awful show anymore!"

"What are you doing with his stuff?" Aaron asked, his tone suddenly quiet.

Victoria shook her head. "Can't say."

"Vic -"

"Ah Victoria!" Diane hobbled toward the small group, a large box trapped in her hands, "I'm glad I caught you love! I'd like to come up to the Farm with you, to give Robert some of Jack's things. I knew you were taking his stuff up, so I thought I'd tag along!"

She beamed, looking from Victoria to Aaron. She caught Aaron's look. His clenched jaw, hand curled into a fist, his deep steadying breaths.

The smile dripped off her face.

"Oh. Aaron love, I take it you didn't… I'm sure Robert was going to tell you that this was a permanent -"

"Just forget it." Aaron snarled, spinning on his heel and striding off toward the Woolpack.

Liv stared at Robert's belongings, squashed into Doug's car. "He's serious about moving into that farm? I thought it was just a joke. A – a tantrum. And then he'll come back. Aaron still loves him Victoria."

"So why can't he tell Robert that?" Victoria asked, irritation laced in her voice, "You know… Robert's living in a nightmare right now. He needs us but… he thinks he's better off without us. He spent so many years, living on his own, fending for himself! He doesn't have to do that now."

"I know love." Diane said, rubbing the young woman's arm, "But he'll come round. We'll have to keep on at him, I won't let him go down without a fight!"

"Neither will I." Liv said, quietly. "Victoria, when you drop that stuff off – can you tell him… tell him I…"

"He knows love." Diane interjected gently. "Oh, he knows."

Liv stood back, watching as Victoria and Diane drove off.

Aaron glanced up as they passed The Woolpack, his jaw clenching. His mother stepped up behind him, watching her son with curious eyes. "He needs his space love. Like you needed yours." She said, her tone measured. "Just give him time. That's all you can do right now."

Aaron sighed in fustration, "Yeah Mum I get that but – I just don't understand why he had to move back there!"

Chas frowned, "Emmerdale Farm?"

"He actually bought it back! Sunk money into the place, that's a big commitment for him. And now he's gone and moved his stuff in." Aaron chewed nervously on his bottom lip, his brow furrowed in thought.

"Are you're worried he's going to pull out of the scrapyard?" Chas asked, slightly confused.

"What? No, Mum he'd never do that, it's his business too remember. I just… Look, he hates farming. He used to talk about it all the time. His Dad used to make him and Andy skive off school and help out and he'd get really annoyed about it."

"Love, it hasn't been a working farm in years."

"So what is he gonna do? Just sit in it?" Aaron asked with derision.

Chas's silence was enough of a reply for him.

"Right. What's he playing at eh?"

"You think he's up to something? Now?" Chas asked in disbelief.

"When is Robert ever not up to something!" Aaron shot back.

"He's not in the right frame of mind to be plotting anything right now!" Chas said firmly.

"Whatever." Aaron muttered. He raised his coffee cup to his lips, then lowered it.

"Aaron?"

"Here," He pressed his lukewarm coffee into her hand, "it's gone cold."

"Oh charming!" She snapped. He just nodded and walked off. She took a sip. Her expression softened. "Oh love…" She murmured, watching her son stalk down the street, head down, hands shoved in his pockets.

Chas subtly dropped the coffee into the bin.

She didn't drink Americanos either.

* * *

A tear dripped off Robert's cheek, splashing onto the letter he had open on his lap. He sniffed, folding it up and stuffing it back into the delicate envelope. It was a letter from the war office. Informing his grandfather's family that their son and brother Edward Sugden had been killed in action. He was only twenty-three years old. No wonder his grandfather Jacob had turned to drink during the final years of his life. All that grief, survivors guilt and pressure of running the farm… must've taken it's toll.

Two hours Robert had sat with that box, rifling through the contents, sifting through photos, reading and re-reading all the letters, journals and documents. And he wasn't even half way done.

Robert heard the sound of a car pulling in. Must be Victoria. Gathering up all the scattered papers, he dumped it back into the box and carried it downstairs. Victoria started hammering on the door, just as he skidded into the living area.

 _"Rob! I have your stuff!"_  She yelled.

 _"And I have some of your Dad's things love!"_  Diane added, " _What would you like us to do with it?"_

Robert set the box down and dug into his pocket, trying to find his phone. He still wasn't ready to see anyone from the outside world just yet and he hoped they'd understand. He tapped out a quick message to Victoria:

_Thanks for the stuff Vic. Really appreciate it. Please can you leave it outside the door? x_

He hit send and waited.

 _"What does he say?"_  Diane asked as Victoria's phone pinged.

 _"Seriously?"_  Victoria said, her voice escalating. She hammered on the door again,  _"You're still not gonna open the door? I don't believe you Robert!"_

Robert hit out another message:

_Just not ready to talk to anyone right now. Please understand. It's hard Vic. Physically hard._

He sent the message, listening to the tiny ping and Victoria's huff of irritation.

When she spoke, it was kinder, more gentle.  _"Oh Rob. Look – this is why I want you to let us in. I have to see you with my own eyes."_

 _"He's not ready for us pet."_  Diane interjected softly. She gave the door a couple of gentle knocks,  _"Robert love, I know you need time and space right now, but I won't feel comfortable unless I know that you've eaten something."_

Robert tapped out a response:

_I'm not hungry. Thank you though._

He heard a different jingle when he hit send, as Diane received his message. She knocked on the door again.

_"We brought some food for you here. Let me in and I can heat you up some soup? Maybe make you a sandwich?"_

Robert sighed, hitting out yet another reply.

_I'm fine. Thank you. Not hungry._

He hit send. There was a long pause on the other side of the door, where he knew Diane was now contemplating a plan to break into the house and force feed him. Eventually, she muttered to Victoria,  _"Come on love. Leave the things outside the door and we'll come back later."_

_"But -"_

_"Come on."_

Robert listened until he was sure they had driven off. Slowly, he unlocked the door, easing it open. He peeped outside, welcoming the breeze on his face. Sure enough, Victoria and Diane had left his things on the doorstep. Along with a box of his Dad's old stuff. There was also a large bag of food resting against the box. Robert dragged everything into the house and re-locked the door before his family made a sudden reappearance. Even though he had heard the car driving off, he was certain they were parked up somewhere, staking out the place until he emerged.

After rinsing a saucepan thoroughly, from what looked suspiciously like mice droppings, Robert peeled open a can of soup and attempted to heat it. The stove wouldn't light, much to his irritation. Not wanting to waste anymore matches on the stove, he just gave up and ate it cold, slurping the white sludge, straight from the pan. Unable to finish the tasteless mess, he dumped the rest in the sink and eagerly retreated to the haven of his family's old box.

Snuggling down in a tattered armchair, beside the fire, he plucked a battered, leather brown journal from the box and began to read.

* * *

Aaron took a sip of his pint, his eyes glued to his phone screen. His thumb hovered over Robert's name.

"Oh for God's sake, just ring him!" Liv huffed, rolling her eyes. She stuffed a few chips into her mouth. "I'm getting sick of this moping."

"I'm not moping!" Aaron protested.

"And it's not just from you." Liv said, pointedly ignoring her brother. "It's – it's from him and all!"

Aaron pursed his lips, clicked his phone off and left it face down on the table.

Liv quirked her brow, "You're not fooling anyone you know - "

The doors burst open. Victoria strode in, shrugging into her chef's jacket, her phone trapped between her ear and shoulder.

"No it's bad – yeah, yeah – he's in a really bad way and I'm worried he's doing something stupid in there…!" She pushed through to the back.

Aaron swallowed over the aching lump rising in his throat, his heartbeat hammering. Immediately, his mind wandered back seven years. Locking himself in a garage, turning on the engine, hoping death would take him quickly -

"Who was she talking to?" Liv asked, her voice laced with worry. She turned to Aaron, her eyes wide. "She was talking about Rob, wasn't she?"

Aaron shrugged, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice. "How should I know Liv?"

"Do you think… if we go up there… he'll see us?" She asked, her eyes fixed on her brother.

Aaron played with the frayed sleeves of his jumper. "I don't know Liv. No. Probably not, I mean – look at the way he's treating his own family. He won't talk to them or open the door. So what chance will we have?"

Liv nodded, her eyes glazed with unshed tears. "Funny. I thought we were his family too."

Aaron sighed, "Come on. Don't be like that. Rob's made his choice. We just – we just have to move on." He punctuated his little speech with a long slug of beer, hoping to ease the pain now throbbing in his heart.

"How can you say that?" Liv hissed, "You love him. You told me so yourself. You were so worried when he went missing and no one could find him! You even thought he might've -"

"Liv drop it." Aaron warned, his fingers curling into his palm. "Please. I can't take it. If I go round there, knocking on that door and he doesn't… look, please can we just finish up here and then go home?"

Liv didn't respond. The two of them continued their evening in awkward, miserable silence.

* * *

Robert read each and every journal, all through the night and well into the early hours of the morning when the fire was nothing but dying embers and the candles had burned into stubs.

Victoria and Diane had come back, as promised, banging on the door, begging to come in and feed him. He ignored them as usual, tapping out the occasional, offhand reply and lying about the meals he wasn't eating. Right now, he just wanted to be left alone with his family's journals. Eventually they left, vowing to return.

He read about Joshua Sugden saving the Verney's son in the Crimean War, thus being gifted with the lease of Emmerdale Farm. He learned about the struggles of Victorian farming, the famine, the endless praying for rain and the outrage when pestilence struck one bitter Harvesttime. He found old photos of the Harvest celebrations from 1850 to 1910. Grainy black and white images of the entire village coming together. It had been an event. Something everyone could look forward to. And it was all led by a Sugden. Then technology bulldozed it's way into the farm. Gone were the community picnics and celebrations. The crowning of Harvest Queens and dances.

Robert found his grandfather's old war medals and his great-grandfather's medals from the first war. Holding them close to his heart, he read about the farm's struggles during both wars, with the boys going off to fight and the women left in charge of the farm. He couldn't stop turning the pages, eager to find out more about these young men, these boys, grafting and pouring their blood, sweat and tears into this very farm. Robert's eyes flicked toward the staircase. They'd walked down it, decked out in their uniforms, ready to wave off their families. They'd marched down the village, past The Woolpack, whilst everyone sung praises and waved flags in their honour.

And they'd come back. To this farm. To this house. To this family.

Robert rootled around in the box until he found their pictures. He couldn't stop staring at the small, sepia photos. Perhaps there was a little resemblance but not much. He had been told that he always took after his birth mother.

So much of this rich, family history had been left, festering in this box. Such a waste. Robert never cared for his family's history before. He always preferred to live in the present, not the past. Now? The past was all he wanted to cling onto. It was much better than the present. He found comfort in the trials of his forefathers.

With the medals of valour clutched in his hand and the trimmed photos resting on his chest, Robert finally drifted off to sleep, a comforting thought nestling in his mind.

For the first time in months… he wasn't alone.

* * *

Aaron switched off the engine, his eyes never leaving the old farmhouse. He could see threads of smoke, curling out from the chimney. So he must be up and about… if he's lit a fire…

Aaron sighed, eyeing up the decrepit property. He still couldn't fathom why Robert wanted the damn thing back. It was all such a sudden, random move. During their entire time together, Robert only ever mentioned the farm in passing, had spoken of it fondly as his childhood home. But that's all it was now. A memory.

Or so Aaron thought.

So what the hell was going on in there?

It felt different now Robert's presence was no longer lingering in the village, sauntering around in his suits and leather jackets, making sarcastic remarks to anyone who crossed him. Aaron had told him to do one. And now he had. He got what he had wanted all along. So why did he feel so miserable? It was slowly driving him insane, not knowing what was going on inside that farmhouse.

Taking a deep breath, Aaron clamoured out of his car, slamming the door hard. Marching up the narrow footpath, he gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, determined to have it out with his lover, once and for all.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	4. Bye Bye Us

The front door was peeling, it's hinges rusted. Aaron gently knocked on it twice, calling out, "Robert? It's me. Look, I know you're in there, I can see the chimney smoke mate. "

Silence.

Aaron took a deep breath, "Right – look – you don't have to talk to me or say anything. Just – stick your face in the window. Let me see you're all right and I'll walk away."

Silence.

"Robert? Come on, it's freezing out here, you know I don't like the cold!"

Silence.

Aaron tried rattling the latch but it was futile. The door was well and truly bolted. Releasing a groan of fustration, he ran his hands over his shorn head, pacing up and down, taking deep breaths.

He tried knocking on the door again, a little harder this time. "Rob!" He said, trying to keep the panic to a minimum, "Just – please can you let me know if you're okay in there. Knock on the door, tap the window, wave a flag out of it, I don't know - just – anything!"

Silence.

Anger swelled inside Aaron's chest. He hammered on the door with his fist, "Right, if you don't open up now yeah, I'm kicking the door in! You hear me? I'll do it!"

Silence.

"You're playing the big man again are ya?" He yelled, tears threatening to spill. "You know how upset Vic and Diane are? Liv and all! And… and what? You're just gonna stay in there for the rest of your life, hiding from the world? Are ya?"

Silence.

Aaron swallowed, nodding slowly. "Fine. Suit yourself, I'm not gonna beg." He spun around, collding straight into Liv.

"Liv! What are you doing, thought you were in school -?"

"He's dead isn't he?" Liv said, her lip trembling. "I knew it. He's dead -"

"No, no Liv he isn't!" Aaron grabbed his sister, pulling her close to him. "Look at the chimney! It's smoking, it means he's lit a fire. It's okay -"

"It isn't though is it!" Liv said, pushing him away. "I - I said some horrible things to him. I just – I wanted him to hurt. Like he hurt us. I rubbed it in his face, you know, the whole - Alex thing…"

Aaron's stomach dropped. He turned away, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Ah, Liv…"

"I just wanted him to know what it felt like!" She sobbed, "I didn't think about how it would it affect him. But now he's shut himself away and I don't know what's going on in there!"

"Liv I know!" Aaron responded, taking another breath. "Look. He – he texts Vic and Diane whenever they're out here so… maybe if you… sent him a text…"

Liv held up her phone, right in his face, showing him all the messages she'd been sending. "Already tried. He hasn't even looked at them. It's like he's just cut us off."

Aaron looped an arm around her shoulders, "Come on." He muttered, casting a sad look back at the farm.

A sudden movement from the upstairs window caught his eye.

"What is it?" Liv asked, hope rising in her voice.

Aaron shook his head, staring at the window. "Er… nothing. Just thought I saw something. But er – must be a reflection. Come on. Let's get you back to school."

Liv wilted in disappointment. Aaron surreptitiously glanced over his shoulder, his eyes drifting to the window. The sunlight reflecting off the pane, couldn't hide the fact that he'd seen a curtain twitch.

* * *

Robert let the curtain gently fall back, his head spinning. Once he heard the car pull away, he breathed a sigh of relief, waiting for his heartbeat return to normal.

Why the hell did he have to come here?

Shouting, kicking off, threatening to break the door down? It might've worked once upon a time. A few months ago even.

But things had changed now…

This was Robert's house. He finally had a place to call his own. After months of being kicked around from place to place, yelled at, repeatedly told he was useless… is it any wonder he's hiding away. And he wasn't playing 'the big man.' For the first time in his life, there was no game involved here. He genuinely needed his space and couldn't understand why people kept on at him.

Liv wanted to apologise to him about the Alex situation but the damage was done. And at this point… Robert didn't care…

His stomach lurched, he staggered into the bathroom, dropping to his knees and coughing up whatever watery remnants his stomach offered up. He stared into the toilet bowl, supporting himself up with one arm – an arm that was now trembling under his weight. Robert wiped his mouth with his hand, struggling to climb to his feet. He hunched over the sink, catching his reflection in the cracked mirror. Dark circles rested under his eyes and his jawline was starting to jut out more. He sighed, turning on the tap, he slurped some water from the faucet, splashing it onto his face, his neck, trying to cool himself down.

Robert slumped against the bathroom door, taking in deep, calming breaths. He dropped his head in his hands, listening to the steady sound of the dripping tap. It was the most soothing noise he'd heard all day.

How would he drum it into people's head that he had to move on? Isn't that what he was being told to do? He needed to show people he was serious about making this farm work again and that meant pouring all his money, energy, body and soul into the place. He had to sell his shares. It was the only way.

Selling his share in Home James would be easy. Nicola and Jimmy would buy him out, no worries. It was the scrapyard that was the problem. Robert heaved a sigh. Who in their right mind would buy a forty per cent share in a tiny scrap metal business? Well – he had done, but there were obvious reasons for that little investment. He needed to find a buyer who worked with cars. He had been a mechanic, so he was able to oversee a lot of the technicalities, along with Aaron of course.

_'We know nothing about scrap.'_

_'I don't think it's all that complicated.'_

Debbie was his first choice. She was a good businesswoman, a smart mechanic and the mother of his niece and nephew. He owed it to Andy, to make sure they were taken care of and this was the best solution. But what if – out of some loyalty to Aaron, she refused to buy it. He would sell it on the cheap, as it really wasn't worth much. Not anymore. Who else would buy it, if Debbie refused? Cain?

No way.

Vic?

She'd refuse straight away.

Maybe Ross? Despite everything, he was a good mechanic and had part-owned a relatively successful taxi firm. Until it all went under.

He suppressed a laugh at the thought of Adam's mug as Ross turned up at the scrapyard, smugly claiming to be part owner. But no. Even in his brittle state, he couldn't sell it to the man who shot him, blackmailed him over the worst mistake of his life and then wrecked his car -

His car!

That would make him a shed load of money!

Scrambling to his feet, Robert grabbed his laptop and scrolled through his mailing list. First, he emailed an old contact from the scrapyard about buying his porche. Or part exhanging it for another car. What would he need? A landrover? Like the one his father used to drive? A classy landrover…? Never mind, he could think on that later.

Next, he tapped out a careful email to Debbie, ignoring the sick, stirring in his gut, reminding him that this was it. The final tie. About to be severed.

_Debbie,_

_I know this is going to sound hurried – but please remember your kids. And remember that I promised Andy I'd look out for them. I'm selling my share of the scrapyard. I don't want to pull out – as I'm aware people's livelihoods depend on this. Which is why I'm offering it you._

_If you refuse, I shall have to look elsewhere. But I thought it would be better for everyone if the business stayed with someone they knew._

_Let me know ASAP._

_Robert._

He hit send. And waited.

Five minutes later, his inbox pinged.

* * *

"He won't let me in mate, I don't know what to do." Aaron muttered, throwing a couple of peanuts in his mouth. He sat on the hood of an old Golf, watching Adam hack away at the car door. "I've tried being nice, then when that didn't work I just – I lost it and I probably shouldn't have." He ran a hand over his face. "I don't think he's coming out of that house any time soon. Then again that's Robert all over innit. Hide away, bury your feelings until someone gets hurt."

Adam sighed, kicking a deflated tyre out of his way. "Mate. Vic's in pieces you know. And it's not just her! What about this place? We gotta turn our tax returns in soon and Robert was always the one who dealt with that stuff! I know nothing about numbers!"

Aaron chuckled. Adam whacked his arm, "It's not funny! I'm only just… starting to realise how much we relied on the guy."

Aaron's heartbeat quickened. He shook his head, sniffing, "Yeah well. What can we do about it now eh?"

Both boys looked up in surprise as Debbie's car pulled into the yard. Aaron nodded at her as she stepped out. "All right? What brings you here?"

Debbie glanced at the floor for a second, wrapping her arms around herself. Victoria then stepped out from the passenger seat, her expression hard.

"Vic!" Adam greeted in surprise, "What are you both doing here?"

Aaron turned to Debbie, "What's up?" He asked softly, "Is it Sarah? Has something- ?"

"No! No Sarah's okay." Debbie took a deep breath, "Look Aaron… Adam… there's no easy way to say this. But er… Robert's sold me his share of the scrapyard."

A chill shivered down Aaron's neck. He stared at his cousin, in sheer disbelief. "You what?" He choked, "Nah – he can't – he… he wouldn't - "  
Debbie held up her phone, revealing an email she'd received off Robert earlier. Aaron skimmed through it, his jaw tightening at every word.

"Why's he doing this now?" Adam asked, his voice escalating, "And why did he sell to you?"

Debbie glared at him, "What's the problem? Is it cos I'm a woman?"

Adam groaned, "Come on that's not fair! He didn't give us any warning! Nothing! We're all supposed to be partners here!" He gestured to Aaron who was still rigid with shock and anger.

Victoria nodded. "Yeah Adam. But commitment isn't really your strong suit is it? Maybe Rob finally saw an opportinuty and took it. Also, he wanted me to tell you that – you'll find this year's tax forms in the bottom drawer marked T 2017."

"You're havin' a laugh?" Adam huffed, "How am I supposed to do it?"

"The same way Rob's been doing it these past couple of years!" Victoria shot back, "Or did you think the tax fairies just came and filed everything overnight?" She spun on her heel and marched back to the car.

Debbie awkwardly scuffed the gravel with her boots, "Aaron look... if I thought there was a chance that you two were gonna get back together, I wouldn't have taken it. But I have to think about the kids and Andy's not here -"

"I get it." Aaron said, through gritted teeth, anger churning away in his gut. "You don't need to tell me Debs. I get it."

He grabbed a wrench off the ground and began whacking it into the engine, his pent up anger, slowly ebbing away with each hit.

Debbie backed away, "I'll see you later then." She slid into her car and quickly reversed out.

Aaron stopped beating the car.

_'I'll say bye bye money.'_

_'No, you'll say… bye bye us.'_

Panting, he wiped his brow with his sleeve, glancing up at Adam.

Adam crossed his arms, staring wide eyed at his friend. "Mate. What the hell's going on?"

* * *

Later that evening, Aaron shouldered his way into The Woolpack, his expression grim. Chas looked up from pulling a pint and called out, "You all right love?"

"No." Aaron grunted, unzipping his jacket.

"What's up?" She asked.

"Robert just sold his share of the scrapyard!" He yelled, over his shoulder, pushing through the back doors.

Chas's jaw dropped. She turned to Cain who was sheepishly staring into his pint. She nudged his arm, "Oi you! Spill."

Cain sighed, "Sugden's sold his share of Holy Scrap to our Debs."

"Oh no." Chas groaned, "Aaron's not gonna take this well."

"Look, I told Debs to hold off on it." Cain said, his voice firm. "I think… Robert might be going through some kind of… meltdown."

"No, you don't say!" Chas responded, sarcasm dripping off her tongue.

"Chas if this carries on, he might end up like… me Dad." Cain whispered. "And then think of our Aaron yeah, if has to watch the man he loves, suffer like that." He glanced at Moira who was sitting in a booth, chatting to Vanessa. "It's… hard."

Nicola sidled up to the pair, placing her handbag carefully on the bar, she cleared her throat loudly.

"Yes Nicola, what can I get you?" Chas cheeped, masking her irritaion.

"Did I just hear you correctly?" She asked, curiously, "Robert's sold his share of the scrapyard?"

"What's it gotta do with you?" Cain bit back, sipping froth off his pint.

"Everything as it happens." Nicola replied, her eybrow raising, "He's just offered up his share of Home James to me and Jimmy."

"He's done what?"

They all turned to see Aaron standing behind Cain.

"Love - " Chas started.

"Just forget it Mum." Aaron snapped, ignoring the sickening feeling, now churning in his gut. He glanced at Victoria who stalked past, carrying a plate laden with food. Naturally she ignored him.

"It's his life, he can do what he wants with it." He added, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"You okay with him just selling his share of the scrapyard to Debbie then?" Cain asked, his voice ripe with scepticsm.

Aaron glared at him, "What choice have I got?"

Adam burst in through the doors, his eyes wide, "Aaron mate, you gotta come see this."

Heart thumping, Aaron ran after Adam, Victoria and Cain at his heels. Was it Robert? Was he finally out?

Adam pointed down the road, "There mate."

Aaron's hearbeat quickened, excitement spreading through his body like electricity. Robert's car was parked up beside David's shop. Liv stood by the passenger side, just staring through the window.

"Liv!" Aaron called out, jogging up to her. The smile dripped off his face, catching the distraught look of his sister. "What's up?"

Liv didn't reply. Instead, her finger traced the jagged mark she'd scraped into the silver paint. "I did this to him. That day I drank the brandy. I was so angry, I did this. It looks like a scar…"

Aaron frowned, "Liv, where's Robert? Is he in there -?"

"Excuse me."

A deep, plummy voice, poked into his ear. Aaron glanced over his shoulder, a man in a three piece suit, skirted around them, a carrier bag dangling from his wrist. He clicked the door open and proceeded to get into the driver's seat.

"Whoa, mate what you think you're doing?" Aaron shot out, doing nothing to hide his aggression anymore.

The man just sneered at him, "I'm getting in my car and getting out of this place."

Aaron's breath caught in his chest. "What?" He choked. "What do you mean your car? This car belongs to Robert Sugden."

"Not anymore. It now belongs to me." The man replied curtly.

"Eh? I – I don't understand -"

The man sighed, "For God's sake man, work it out! Robert Sugden just sold it to me!"

Silence trailed after his words. Aaron swallowed over the aching lump forming in his throat.

He felt his mother's hands on his shoulders, trying to pull him away. Her voice, soft in his ear, "Come on love, let's go back inside."

Aaron roughly shrugged her off. "Robert sold his car?" He echoed, his voice trembling. "No. No! Robert can't do that. He wouldn't."

"Well he can and he did pal."

"Did he say why?" Aaron asked, desperation rife in his tone, "He wouldn't just sell you his car without a good reason! He loved this thing. I know he did."

The man shrugged, "I don't know, he didn't come out of the house. I just transferred the money and found the keys under the mat. The guy really didn't seem that bothered about selling the thing, if I'm being honest. In fact, he wanted it off his hands quite quickly." He gestured to Liv, "Excuse me, sweetheart, do you mind not leaning on the thing? Thanks."

Liv smirked, "I've already made my mark on it. Good luck getting rid of it mate. And don't call me sweetheart!"

The man snickered, "I already plan to have it re-painted and fixed up love. So nice try."

Re-painted? Fixed up?

_'Touch my car again…!'_

Aaron's fingers curled into his palm, his fingernails digging into his skin, "Look mate, I don't know how much you paid for it but – whatever you bought it for, I'll double it!"

"Aaron!" Chas snapped, "Don't be so - "

"Mum shut up and stay out of it!" Aaron hissed, darting round to the front of the car, he hammered on the drivers window. "Seriously mate! Think on it!"

The man started the engine, shaking his head, "I don't think so."

_'If you're looking for your wing mirrors, I've chucked them over a wall. Your money means nothing to me mate, you can't buy me!'_

Aaron quickly moved to the front, slamming his hands on the hood, he stared this – this thief, in the eyes, his own ones brimming with angry tears. "Listen. You're not taking the car."

"Please move out of my way!" The man shouted, starting to steer round Aaron, "Or else I'm calling the police!"

Chas grabbed Aaron, dragging him to the side. "Aaron don't do this to yourself! It's just a car!'

"Get off me!" Aaron growled. Tearing away from his mother, he started chasing Robert's car as it sped down the street, dirty exhaust fumes trailing behind it.

When he couldn't catch up anymore, he helplessly clutched his hair, watching his final connection to the man he loved, disappear further and further into the distance.

Aaron bent over, a stitch forming in his side. He squeezed his eyes shut. He never, ever thought Robert would do it.

Selling his car was the final straw.

Robert had finally given up on them.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	5. The Other Side Of The Door

**Authors Note:** Wow! First of all, thank you so much for the reviews! It actually helps me write faster so again, thank you for letting me know what you think!

And for all the trolls who have been commenting as well - thank you for taking the time to crawl out from under your bridge and give my story some attention! :)

This chapter also references something that happened in Rob's childhood that was an actual storyline. Think you can find the clips on YouTube if you didn't already know! It's circa March/April 95!

So - on with the tale!

* * *

 "Liv, I'm just heading out yeah!" Aaron called out, snatching up his keys from the counter. He shrugged into his jacket and pulled open the door.

"Got yourself another hot date?" Liv asked, sauntering down the stairs, earphones dangling around her neck. "You're Mr Popular these days aren't you?"

Aaron kept his hand on the latch, slowly shutting the door. "I – I don't know what you're -"

"Er, I – I think you do!" Liv mocked, crossing her arms and glaring at him. "Don't think I haven't noticed. You've been staying out every night, this past week. That bar should start charging you rent!"

Aaron looked away, guilt gnawing at his stomach. "Liv – it's not what you think -"

"Hey don't explain it to me." She threw up her hands, stalking around the kitchen, "I'm heading off to Gabby's anyway. Just… have fun. I'm happy you're not spending tonight alone." She said softly, offering up a reassuring smile.

_'It scares me. Being alone.'_

Aaron gripped his car keys, the cold metal digging into his palm. "Yeah," He whispered, "I er, I should get going. Can't keep him waiting." He added, stretching his lips into a tight smile. He stepped out of the door.

"Tell him I said hi." The words tumbled out of Liv's mouth before she could stop them. Aaron halted at the threshold.

She held her breath.

But he ignored her little outburst, barrelling out of the house.

Once the door slammed shut, Liv let the smile melt away from her face.

They both knew exactly where he was going. Aaron didn't talk about it and Liv didn't want to bring it up, just in case he stopped.

And she needed Aaron to keep going there.

For her sake. As well as his.

* * *

Robert closed his great-grandfather's journal. He'd just finished reading it, for the sixth time. He ran his fingers over the tattered leather, his heart heavy. Just like it always was, whenever he finished one of their stories. They always started with such promise. And ended with such disappointment.

Life. It gave him a morsel of comfort to know he wasn't the only Sugden screwing it up.

Robert poked the sputtering fire, tossing another log on the flames.

It had been a whole week since he had shut himself away from the world. And oh how he savoured it! He had no one nagging him, making sly digs at his expense, no one side eyeing him in judgement or throwing pitiful glances his way. It was just himself, his old house and their memories. He could sit here forever, safe and protected, just marinating in this old life.

Of course Victoria and Diane stopped by, dropping off soap, food and anything else he needed.

Even though he assured them he was fine, he couldn't miss the hysteria in their voices. For all they knew, he could've been held hostage in this house, tapping out messages and no one would know.

It had almost happened before.

Robert's mind drifted back twenty-two years ago. Just before his ninth birthday, he had run away from home and found sanctuary at an ex-paratroopers farmhouse. His name was one of many names shoved into the back of Robert's memory.

Derek Simpson.

He was a hermit, living alone, trying to bury the memories of his past. Then little Robert showed up on his doorstep, demanding attention, one thing led to another and Derek Simpson got arrested for kidnapping. Nothing bad had happened, he never touched him inappropriately at all. But the police, the village, even his parents for a while, all thought he had been molested. They wouldn't let his mother bathe him, or change his clothes. He even had to go down the station and get thoroughly examined. That's why, when Aaron was suffering through all that awful trauma with Gordon, Robert was able to offer him his shoulder. He knew the process, because he had been there. Only… nothing had happened to him.

Derek Simpson had shown Robert nothing but kindness… and was thrown in prison as a result. His parents had been worried sick. Even his father, who had stated that he'd die for his son, so long as he returned home safe. Robert could laugh bitterly at all that now.

Even though he was just a child, the guilt had never truly left him. It stayed, all through his adult life. Derek Simpson was just the first of a long list of people Robert had inadvertantly harmed over the years.

He understood, more than ever, what Derek Simpson was running from. People. They always let you down. They always hurt you.

After his mother died, whenever a memory tried to surface, he'd shove it back and file it in a box in his head marked 'don't open.'

Now… it was time to visit all of them.

They were his stories, a part of him. In the same way these journals were a part of his family. One day, someone will look at a picture of him, point at it and ask… "Who was that man?"

What things would be said of him? Evil? Bastard? Cocky? Selfish?

No. He couldn't let that happen.

Robert suddenly lurched into motion, his mind giddy with excitement… and whiskey. He flipped open his laptop, spreading all the letters, journals and other items onto the kitchen table.

It was time to write his family's story. Starting at the beginning with Joshua Sugden… and ending with himself. It was all of them, melded together. The Golden Thread. And he owed it to his family.

They needed him to do this…

Robert grabbed Joshua's journal and flipped to the beginning, excitement flooding through his body, spreading warmth to his cold heart. He stared at the blank word document on his computer, the tiny vertical line blinking at him, waiting.

Taking a deep breath, Robert popped open a fresh bottle of whiskey, flexed his fingers… and began to type.

**THAT OLD HOUSE**

**BY R.J. SUGDEN**

_Emmerdale Farm was a house that had been born in tragedy. The first house had collapsed sometime back in 1848, killing the farmer's wife and child in the process. It was from these ashes, that the Sugden family rose._

The words poured out of him, his fingertips flying over the keys. With every letter he hit, Robert felt his pain slowly losing it's grip over him.

"Look at me Dad." Robert muttered to himself, taking a swig of whiskey, straight from the bottle. He gasped as the burning liquid trickled down his throat. "I'm quite the writer now!"

A knock at the door jolted him out of his creative focus. He rolled his eyes, sighing to himself. "Go away."

There was a brief pause. Then…

_"Robert?"_

* * *

Aaron pulled his car over, switching off his engine. He never parked in the driveway, he didn't want Robert to know he was there.

Thanks to Charity's eavesdropping, he knew Victoria and Diane now had a system with Robert. Like clockwork, they'd drive out at eight o'clock each night and if they saw a candle flickering in the window… they'd come home.

Aaron would always wait until he saw Diane's car driving through the village, before he reached for his keys. They never spoke to him about it and he never asked. He had to see for himself.

The small farmhouse was swallowed up by darkness. He could just about see it's silhouete, thanks to the small slices of moonlight. Now all he needed to see was the smoke. Once the chimney coughed up smoke, he knew Robert was keeping the fire going.

He knew Robert was keeping himself warm. And alive.

Aaron's mind drifted back to all those cold nights when they kept themselves warm… without using a fire…

Pushing the memories away, Aaron shifted around in his seat, trying to find a comfortable position. He kept his eyes trained on the house, clocking the upstairs window.

There it was. The tiny, amber flame, flickering against the window pane.

He felt that familiar tug in his soul.

Aaron closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. How long was he expected to keep this up for?

Liv probably knew where he was right now. He was never a good liar or keeping his cards close to his chest.

That was always Robert's strength.

But this, what he was doing now, hiding away from the world... this wasn't Robert. The only thing he ever hid, was his sexuality and when that came out, he didn't shut himself away. Even when he got shot and everyone turned against him, he strode down the street, without a care in the world. This is what bugged – no, scared Aaron the most. For Robert to just disappear for a whole week, selling everything up - his businesses, his car, just to re-buy a crumbling old farmhouse from his childhood, was his way of screaming for help.

Something needs to give.

Things had gone too far.

Aaron tapped his finger on the steering wheel, nibbling on his bottom lip. Should he stay in the car or go and check on Robert?

He lifted up the sleeve of his hoodie, his fingers brushing against the cool strap of Robert's watch, where it now wrapped snugly around his own wrist. It bothered him that Robert never asked for it back. Just like selling his car. Materialism was Robert's badge of honour. Something was definitely going on inside that house, inside his head and Aaron needed to find out. His hand reached for the door handle and he shoved himself out of the car, before he could change his mind.

Using the moon as his guiding light, Aaron marched up to the farmhouse door, lifting up his fist – he paused, heart thumping. Then he knocked against the wood, feeling the door rattle against his knuckles.

"Robert?" He called out gently. "Look, I – I'm not here to cause trouble or kick off. Don't worry. I er, I don't know what you're doing in there mate, but erm… well, I just want to know if you're okay."

Obviously Robert wasn't okay. Nowhere near. Aaron closed his eyes tightly, trying to think of the right words to churn out.

What could he say?

I hope you haven't fallen over and broken your neck? Slipped in the shower? Hung yourself from the rafters - ?

Aaron hammered on the door a little louder, "Rob – I – I just need to hear your voice mate. Or hear you moving about. Please. Say or do something. Anything."

Silence.

Aaron clamped his hand over Robert's watch, clearing his throat a little, he kept his voice calm. "Robert I have something for ya. I've got your watch. I found it. You want it back yeah?"

Silence.

Aaron released a long sigh, running his hand over his rugged face. "For God's sake." He mumbled to himself. He backed up a few paces, scouring the windows, hoping for a sign, a face, a curtain twitch.

Nothing.

Aaron collapsed against the door, sliding down slowly so he crouched on a small mud patch. A smile twitched in his cheek. "You don't make it easy do you mate?" He muttered, his tone laced with mild amusement. "You never did. Liv says hi by the way. She's a smart kid, we were always gonna have our hands full with her. Reminds me of you..."

He paused, resting his head back against the door, he pulled his knees up. "You know… I can remember the first time I saw you. Ross had nicked your car. You followed us back, outsmarted us… always thinking one step ahead eh?" He released a little laugh, "You burst in through that door, holding up your phone. Threatening us. And I had this, this feeling in my chest… I don't know like – like I couldn't breathe, like my head was spinning..." Aaron bit his lip, his heart thumping fast at the memory. "And then we robbed Home Farm for ya. And there was a moment. When you were going off at me for being a thief. You spoke about your Mum. Rob. I saw something in your eye. I recognised it. It's the same thing I saw in my eye, every day I looked in the mirror."

The door shook softly. Aaron gasped, glancing behind him, his throat closing up. The noise definitely came from behind the door.

Tears spilled out of his eyes. He knew his words were being heard.

"Remember when you kissed me on that layby?" Aaron asked, letting the tears meander down his cheeks and doing nothing to wipe them away. "God, I'd been wanting that for so long… I'd been wanting you for so long. You were arrogant. Cocky. Had a massive ego! And I wanted all of it." He clenched his fingers into his palm, "I'd felt this – this pull but I was too scared to do anything about it. But you did it instead. For the both of us. And that was it. The beginning of the end."

He swallowed, licking salty teardrops off his lips. "After our first time. I became an addict. I – I didn't want that to be our first and only time. "

_'So what was all that about with Finn? Trying to rub my nose in it were you?'_

_'Why? Jealous were ya?'_

A bubble of laughter escaped his lips. "Yeah you sussed me out. You always do. I used Finn to make you jealous, I trashed your car because I couldn't have ya… I was behaving like – that person and I wasn't the bitter type. But I hated seeing you with Chrissie. Because I wanted you Rob. All of you. Not just a quick fumble in the barn for two hours. I wanted to hold your hand in public. And I wanted to kiss you, show everyone that this... strong, amazing lad was mine."

_'I want you to want me. Just me and no one else.'_

Aaron ran his thumb over his naked ring finger. "You got shot. And I saw you lying there, bleeding out and - even though I thought I hated you, I still felt that connection." He thumped his heart with palm, his voice trembling now, "I couldn't get rid of it. No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much I wished you, dead, I couldn't let you go! And then Gordon showed up. And you… what can I say eh? I leaned on you, in ways you didn't even know!"

_'I don't think I could've done this without you.'_

_'Yeah you could've.'_

"Which is really why I need you to open this door mate." Aaron said, controlling the desperation in his tone. "I need to see ya. I need to know you're..."

Silence.

"Nothing happened you know." He said, through gritted teeth, "With Alex." He felt that drop in his stomach, the one he always had whenever he thought about another man, that wasn't the one on the other side of this door. "I know Liv said some things to ya, but you have to know that I couldn't..." Aaron sighed, opening his palms to the skies. "You live in my head, in my heart and I can't think of anyone else in that way. You want to know why? Because you and me Rob. We're cut from the same cloth. You knew it, that day you blackmailed us into robbing Home Farm - I knew it then too."

Silence.

"Robert?"

Silence.

Aaron knocked once on the door, "Hey. You don't have to hide. It'll be okay. Please open the door Rob."

Silence.

"I know you're there." He sniffed, wiping his nose with his sleeve, Aaron scrambled to his feet, pawing at the door, his temper prickling. "Come on Robert, open this door. I can't take you shutting me out! Please let me in! I just have to see ya!"

Silence.

He banged the door, a little harder, "Please! Robert I seriously don't know what's going on there, I don't know if you're hurt or – just… open this door… please open the door!" His face crumbled, sobs tearing from his throat, anger pumping in his blood. He threw his shoulder against the sturdy wood, bouncing off it.

"Robert!" He yelled, his voice vibrating in fear, echoing across the barren, dark, fields. "Open this door! Please… please open the door, I need to see ya! Open the door!"

Silence.

Aaron bent over, resting his palms on his kneecaps, tears dripping from his nose. He took four, deep, calming breaths.

Before hurling his body against the door again.

* * *

Oh he could've opened that door. The Robert Sugden from last week could easily have wrenched that door open, let Aaron fall into his arms and that's the lot.

And he came so close. His hand had even crept up to the latch.

Until Aaron started to kick off. After promising him he wouldn't. Once he started throwing his body weight against the door, Robert knew there was no option but to remain inside. Safe. In the house.

Robert scurried away from the door, retreating into the shadows of the living area. He pressed his hands to his ears, trying to block out the incessant sobbing coming from the other side of the door.

_'I hate the person I am around you. And I hate you for making me be like this.'_

No more blame. No more wrenches or punches thrown his way. No more having to see the cuts on his lover's body and know he caused them – just no more!

Aaron needed to see him?

But Robert couldn't. He couldn't even form a coherent sentence. He wanted to say something, make some kind of noise, but his throat was blocked! Silence was his only companion now. And he wanted it to stay like that.

Robert pressed his back against the wall, his eyes on the quivering door. He could just stay here, in the corner, waiting until Aaron gave up. Or he could tune it all out.

"Go away please." He whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. "We're better off apart. Your words. Not mine. Please…"

In an attempt to calm himself down, he hurried back to the kitchen table, where his laptop still sat, his story still open on word. Robert grabbed his earphones, plugged them into his phone and selected a classic rock playlist.

As soon as Bon Jovi started to play, he took a deep breath and with trembling fingers, continued on with his story.

_"Robert!"_

He kicked the volume up a few notches.

The door shook violently.

A teardrop splashed onto his keyboard. He glanced up at the door.

It was still.

He yanked his earphones out, cautiously listening…

Silence.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	6. The Letter

**Author's Note:** Again, just a huge thanks to everyone who reviewed! You guys are the best audience ever! I love this fandom!

And on with the story...

* * *

Tap, tap, tap.

"Aaron? Aaron wake up pet!"

Aaron squirmed, fluttering his lids open. Diane's concerned face groggily emerged into focus. She tapped on the window of his car with her red talons and waved once she saw he was up.

He sniffed, glancing at Robert's watch. Just gone twenty-past eight. He groaned, running his hand over his unshaven face. Adam was going to kill him!

Aaron rolled the window down, murmuring, "Diane."

"Have you stayed out here all night?" She asked incredulously.

Aaron pursed his lips and nodded.

"Ah pet." Diane sighed, "If you fall ill, it won't make things any better!"

"I don't care." He muttered. His stomach clenched as the memories of last night came rushing back.

"Don't be silly Aaron! You can't camp out here every night!"

Aaron ignored her, turning his attention back to the house, where Victoria was shouting at the door. Again.

"Victoria and I have just dropped some food and things off for Robert." Diane said gently, "Why don't you come over and see if he'll open the door?"

A bitter laugh escaped his lips. "Nah. You're all right."

"Did something happen?" Diane asked, frowning. "Last night… did he say something or… did you…?"

Aaron couldn't mistake the accusation in her tone. He shifted awkwardly in his seat.

"Aaron?" Diane prompted, her voice firmer now. "If something's happened with Robert, I have a right to know."

Aaron stared through his windshield, at the bleak fields. "I came over here – I wanted to talk to him." He responded, the lump forming in his throat, now caused his voice to tremble. "I just wanted him to open the door. But he didn't. So I got angry and started - to break it down."

"You did what?"

Aaron sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. "I just – I got so angry - "

"Yes, we've all noticed that!" Diane shot back. "It was this anger that got you sent down and started off this whole chain of mess in the first place!"

"I know." Aaron replied, through gritted teeth.

"Thank you Aaron, this is only going to set him back a few paces." Diane said, her face twitching in irritation, "I really don't understand why you can't think first before - using your fists or – or kicking off!"

 _'_ _I know you're angry with me but – you can't take it out on other people like this!'_

 _'_ _Do you think I don't know that? I just lost it Robert, I don't know what happened!'_

"I know Diane!" Aaron said, gripping the steering wheel. "I just… look, he texts you and Vic and has no problem - selling his car or emailing Debbie but – but me? He ignores me. And Liv!"

Diane tilted her head to the side, "Well maybe you can understand what was like for him when you decided to suddenly cut off all contact."

Aaron narrowed his eyes at her, shaking his head. "That's not fair. That was different."

"Was it?" She countered, "Only, I was there. Doug and I caught him, guzzling a bottle of whiskey, moping around after you. Then he tried fixing the situation but you didn't want to know."

"That's not -!"

"Aaron love, you must accept that this is Robert's decis -"

"No! I was nothing like this. I would never just…" He trailed off, letting his head fall back against the soft leather headrest. Diane's words had hit something inside him.

"You would never just what?" She echoed, her tone softer.

"I would never just disappear like this." He gestured to the farmhouse, "This isn't like him either Diane."

"Oh I know pet." She said, peering over the car at Victoria trudging toward them. "But – this is what's happened. We have to do it Robert's way now. And I know it'll make you fustrated!" She added, as Aaron opened his mouth to argue. "But if you ever want him to come out of that house, we have to play it his way until… well, just until he cracks open a window at least!"

Victoria approached the car, her face etched with concern.

Aaron stuck his head out of the window, "Vic? What's up? Has he – has he said something?" He asked, hope fluttering a little in his chest.

Victoria shook her head, crushing his optimism. She turned to Diane, "I'm just... really worried about him."

Diane clucked over her, "Oh pet, we all are. Look, there's nothing more we can do now. Until he opens that door, all we can do is let him know we're here for him."

"Maybe we should kick the door down." Aaron said quietly, his eyes now fixed on the upstairs window.

Victoria glowered at him, "You what?"

Diane sighed, "Not now Aaron."

"He could be seriously hurt." Aaron said, staring Victoria down. "Something bad could've happened in there and you lot, you're all just standing around like - "

"He's fine." Victoria said briskly, "He texts us, to let us know he's okay."

Aaron nodded, clearing his throat pointedly, "Right. And Robert's infamous for being Mr Truthful isn't he?"

Victoria took a deep breath, ready to hurl an insult back at him, but Diane put a firm hand on the young woman's shoulder. "Love. Please." She begged.

Victoria wilted into Diane's arms, murmuring into her fur coat, "I just want my brother back."

"Oh, I know love, I know." Diane replied, "And he'll come back to us. Slowly but surely. There really is nothing we can do right now. Let's go back, I'll make us a nice brew, and we'll talk about it. Yes?"

Victoria nodded, wiping her eyes with her jacket sleeve. "I'd like that."

Diane turned to Aaron, "You too love."

"Nah. I'm all right here, thanks." He muttered, keeping his eyes fixed on the house.

"You've been out here all night, come back and have a cuppa with us."

There was no mistaking the warning in her tone. Aaron's eyes clashed with hers and there was a mutual understanding between the two. She didn't want him here, in danger of kicking off and upsetting Robert again.

Aaron nodded, gritting his teeth. "Fine. See you in a bit."

He let the window roll back up and watched Diane and Victoria shuffle back to their car. He sighed, slamming his head back.

Tea with Diane and Victoria, while discussing Robert.

What could be more awkward?

* * *

Robert leaned against the kitchen worktop, raking a hand through his unkept hair and taking deep breaths, trying to calm down his erratic heartbeat.

Victoria hammered one last time on the door,  _"Okay Robert, I'm going now yeah?"_

He held his breath, listening to the sound of her disappearing footsteps. Robert let his head hang low. He tried drinking tiny sips of water and nibbling on a piece of fruit, but it was too much effort to chew and swallow, so he just spat it back out again.

He knew Aaron had been pacing around the house last night, like a fox stalking a hen house. During and after the tantrum, Robert had stayed quietly in the kitchen, trying not to pay him any attention. Eventually it grew quiet, so Robert assumed he'd gone back home.

Using the back door as a pin up board, he spent hours, plastering the photos he'd need for his story, up onto it.

Robert set his glass of water down and gazed at a rectangular, black and white picture, sitting in the corner of the door. Two Sugden brothers, Jacob and Edward. Standing side by side, outside this house, resting their muscled arms on rakes, in mid-conversation whilst they glanced at the camera.

A long sigh escaped Robert's lips as his heart twinged in sadness. All the work they'd poured into this place, for future generations. Gone.

Digging further into the box, he pulled out a handful of photos. A tightly folded piece of paper slipped through his fingers, fluttering to the floor. Curious, Robert picked it up, tucking the pictures under his arm, he unfolded paper, smoothing over the creases. It was a letter, scrawled in black ink.

_June 4th 1940_

_Dear Edward,_

_Tomorrow we both leave for war and I realised that this would be our last chance. I have a lot of things to confess to you and I beg you to read this till the end. If, by the end, you do not feel the same, then tear this up. Burn it. Marry Sophie and we won't speak of it again. I don't want to come between you two. I'll never ruin your marriage. But only if it's what you want._

Robert's mouth ran dry, his eyes widened. He scanned the letter, right till the very end.

_Love,_

_Simon_

"Oh my God…" Robert whispered. He slumped back in his seat, in a daze. His grandfather's brother, his great-uncle Edward... had had a lover. Named Simon.

This was a love letter. After his experiences, he knew when to read between the lines.

_'I'll never ruin your marriage. But only if it's what you want.'_

_'Don't worry. I know you're getting married, I don't wanna wreck it. That is what you want yeah?'_

_'Yeah.'_

A tear spilled from his eye. Oh, if he could've done things differently! Here, his own family, his flesh and blood had experienced the same difficulties he had, unable to speak out and deal with it. Only he actually lived in a world where he could speak out, hold another man's hand, kiss him in front of everyone and just show him the love he deserved.

Except he'd wrecked it. All of it.

Frantically, Robert raked through the box, trying to find a response from Edward.

Nothing.

But he did find several more letters from this Simon. He'd been a farmhand. Like Robert's first…

And he had fallen in love.

But Edward had been killed. And Simon left the village, never to be heard from again.

Yet another sad tragedy to the Sugden tale. But a damn good story.

Fuelled by determination, Robert marched back to his laptop, flipping the lid up. Spreading the letter out in front of him, he typed out his next heading:

**Chapter 4: Their Finest Hour**

_It was during a long, lazy Summer in 1939 when the Sugdens enjoyed their last, peaceful bout of happiness. A dark cloud, drifted toward them. For in just a few weeks, the clock would strike war, for the second and final time. And for one of the Sugden Brothers. It would signal the end._

* * *

"I'm gonna give him till teatime. Then I'm lighting a fire outside the door and will smoke him out!" Victoria stated, blowing on the surface of her tea.

Diane set the teapot down and sighed, "Now what good will that do?"

"Perhaps it's time we start thinking about calling the police." Doug suggested, hitching up his trousers and settling into an armchair.

Aaron lifted his head off his palm, narrowing his eyes at the old man, "And tell them what? We've got a lad who's locked himself in an abandoned farmhouse, can you please send someone over to huff, puff and blow the place down!"

"If you have any better ideas that don't include violence, please feel free to drop them by!" Doug countered icily.

Aaron swallowed his retaliation. What was he even doing here?

"Police? Robert doesn't want that, he said so explicitly. And I don't want to scare him." Diane said, a little timid.

"Well maybe it's time we stop listening to what he wants. Look, Robert is just throwing a tantrum here." Doug said soothingly, patting Diane's knee, "If you call the police – he might realise how much you lot are all panicking because of it. It'll shake him up."

Aaron glared at him, "A tantrum? What? Like your daughter did when she necked a bottle of wine every morning for breakfast!"

"Aaron!" Diane scolded, "This isn't the time or place - "

"Laurel was different." Doug interrupted, his eyes fixed on Aaron, "She was ill!"

"Yeah, well so is Robert!" Aaron bit back, his face flushing in anger. "Maybe if you took your head out of your marrows for more than two seconds, you'll realise it!"

"That's enough!" Diane shrilled, throwing her hands up, "We're supposed to be thinking about the best way to help Robert and so far, I can't think with all this noise!"

Aaron sighed, shaking his head, "It's pointless. Us all sitting here, arguing about it. I have to get to work." He lifted himself out of his seat, grabbing his jacket. "Thanks for the tea Diane but you were right earlier. This is Robert we're talking about. He always has to play it by his terms."

"Now that's not the attitude is it?" Doug grumbled, "Since when was shifting blame onto people and running away – the solution to any problem eh?"

Aaron released a long breath, fingernails digging into his palm.

"Aaron." Victoria's tone was soft, kinder than it had been lately, "He's hurting badly."

Aaron pursed his lips, leaning against the door. "I know. Sorry." He muttered, "I just – I don't know what to do anymore Vic. I'm starting to like the sound of smoking him out the house though."

"He won't thank you for it." Diane said, her tone laced with caution. "In fact, calling the police, forcing him out, will only make things worse. I don't want to provoke him." She shot another subtle, warning look in Aaron's direction.

"Yeah, well, we can't wait forever. Can we?" He said quietly.

"Is there anyone we can call?" Victoria asked, anxiously twisting her fingers together. "Maybe Liv- "

"Yeah she's tried." Aaron interjected curtly. "He won't talk to her."

Diane's eyes darted back and forth between the two, she cleared her throat loudly. "Look. We still haven't addressed the elephant in the room. And I think we ought to. If we're ever going to help Robert, we need to talk about it."

At their blank looks, she rolled her eyes, "The baby! And that – that woman's part in all of this!"

Aaron's chest compressed, his breathing grew more intense. "I – I can't think about that now."

"I feel horrible." Victoria said, wiping away a tear trickling from her eye, "I can't believe she'd use him like that. He said no…"

Aaron took a deep breath, trying to count back from ten in his mind, his heart hammering.

"But still – there is an innocent baby to think about, whether we like it or not." Diane said tentatively. "Maybe if we tried to talk to Robert about – about fatherhood - "

"Diane no!" Victoria furiously shook her head, "Don't mention it to him! He – he might do something stupid! Besides, that cow's just disappeared! We don't even know where she is! And right now, I just want to focus on Robert! He needs us! I've put the baby before him once and – no, I can't do it again, I'll lose him forever!"

Aaron swallowed, tears starting to burn his own eyes, "I – er - I have to go." He barrelled out of the B&B before either of them could change his mind.

His entire focus had been on Robert. Trying to talk to him, see him, coax him out of the house. He never once, fully, let his mind wander towards the baby… the trauma he must be suffering now.

He wanted to help Robert deal with it, he wanted to help him so much! But he just… didn't know how to approach the topic. It wasn't something you could casually drop into a conversation, as Diane had just proven. Aaron couldn't bring himself to think about Robert's state of mind… because it scared him.

Robert. His Rob. Strong. Brave. The man who survived a bullet to the chest. The man who protected everyone, including the brother who tried to kill him.

And the man who had saved his own life. Multiple times. Who stood by him during the darkest time in his life.

 _'_ _I saved your life! I risked mine too, to go back into that water to get you that ring! That's how much you mean to me!'_

To see Robert crumble and fall… Aaron knew it was selfish but he couldn't handle it.

He flexed his fingers. In. Out. In. Out. Taking deep, steady breaths.

"Aaron!" Victoria called out, running toward him. "Are you okay?"

"What do you think?" Aaron shot out, resting his palms on his kneecaps. "I can't take my mind of your – idiot brother!"

"Yeah well that makes two of us." She folded her arms, narrowing her eyes at him. "And don't call him an idiot."

Aaron clenched his teeth, "I'm going mad here Vic. I can't – I can't do anything. All I think about his him! Story of my life eh?" He took another deep breath, closing his eyes, trying to block out the image of Robert… lying motionless in a pool of vomit, a Jack Daniels bottle slackly held in his hand. Or running through the house, petrol can in one hand, match in the other. Or slumped against the wall, wrists torn open, blood dripping onto the floor -

"Ugh!" Aaron aimed a savage kick at the wall.

"Aaron!" Victoria backed away, "Please! Calm - "

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Aaron barked, tears glimmering in his eyes. "Do you know where I go every night? I park outside that house. And I wait. Yeah, I leave Liv on her own and I just… I just go off and sit outside that house. All night." He bit his trembling lip, nodding slowly. "Mmm. Yeah. Just so I can see that smoke, coming out the chimney. That way I know he's alive. Cos he doesn't – he doesn't text me or talk to me does he? No. So I have to take what I can get." Aaron's voice cracked, tears starting to leak. "And you know what happened last night?"

Victoria shook her head, her own eyes glistening.

"I'll tell ya. I sat outside the door. And I poured my heart out to him. Thinking he would finally open the door for me. Or just talk to me. One word. Even if it's to tell me to get lost, I could handle that. As long as I heard it from him. But he didn't say anything. I wanted to – kick that door down, just grab him and - and yell in his face, 'I'm still here!" He wiped his tears with his palms. "I just want to hear his voice."

He sniffed, staring at the floor, his thoughts once again drifting, to the man on the other side of that door. When he spoke, his voice trembled with despair. "It's killing me Vic. His silence. It's killing me."

"Aaron you can't fall apart now." Victoria warned, "Robert will need you once he comes out of that house."

Aaron stared at her, voicing the words she couldn't bring herself to say. "If he ever comes out."

* * *

_Even though it's been over seventy years and even though I never met or knew them, it feels as though I've lost a part of myself… reading that letter from the war office, brought tears to my eyes. Edward's death changed my family. For better or worse… we'll never know._

Robert leaned back in his chair, scratching his chin with his thumbnail, re-reading that last paragraph. He leaned forward, his fingers dancing over the keys:

_But I do know that my great-uncle Edward had left behind a life in Emmerdale. A sweetheart and a lover. I suppose it's all right for me to mention him now – as seventy years is a long time to fester in the closet._

_'It's pretty obvious.'_

_'What is?'_

_'You're gay.'_

_'I'm not gay.'_

_'Really?'_

_'I'm engaged.'_

_'That proves nothing.'_

Taking a deep breath, he continued:

_So many questions gone unanswered and so many plans left on the wayside. Edward's sweetheart, Sophie, married the postman and as for Simon… well, this is where the trail goes cold. He left the village, never to be seen or heard from again._

_'Because I love ya! And I think you feel the same.'_

Swallowing over the aching lump rising in his throat, Robert ploughed on:

_But I have no doubt in my mind that Simon loved Edward. Loved him with a fierce passion. And I'm sure Edward returned his affections. Because their kind of friendship, the words Simon uses in his letters and the subtext involved – tells me that they had something special. You see, that kind of love only comes into your life once._

Robert nodded slowly, glancing at the candle dancing in front of him, hot wax dribbling onto the table.

_That love. It flickers like a candle on a cold, dark night. Then once you open that door, the door of self-doubt, a gust of wind bursts in and snuffs that candle out._

_Once it's gone. All that's left is a trail of smoke in its wake._

_I don't know what would've happened between Simon and Edward – but I do know that we were robbed of ever finding out. I have no more letters of Simon's, after Edward's death. I don't even know if he attended the funeral._

_Perhaps his candle burned out._

Satisfied with the finished chapter, Robert saved his work, snapping his laptop shut. He knew his writing style could sound corny, but he wasn't aiming for the Booker Prize here. He just enjoyed that feeling - of having all his thoughts, trickle from his mind, through his fingers and appear onto the screen.

Running a hand across his tired face, his head began to spin. He supposed he should probably try eating something again. Lifting himself out of his seat, with some difficulty, he hobbled to the counter, where a half cut apple lay waiting for him. It was already covered in a light brown rash. Robert took a small bite, chewing it carefully. It turned to mush in his mouth, sour, vile, acidic. His stomach lurched. Immediately he staggered to the sink, spitting it back out. He rested his head on the countertop; his trembling fingers, struggled to curl into his palm. Robert lifted his head up, holding his shaking hand out in front of him. He tried flexing his fingers out.

They wouldn't stop quivering.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	7. Bobby

**Author's Note:** Hey guys, thanks so much for the reviews! You guys are amazing, seriously! 

* * *

 

Robert had held off on rifling through his father's box of things. Mostly because he didn't know how he'd feel, digging through all his personal items.

Now, he felt he was in a much better place to have a good rummage. Especially since he was now writing about his father and Uncle Joe.

Robert was lucky enough to have personal memories of his father and Uncle, when they were together and living under this roof. He'd taken his Dad's box up to his parents old room – now, his bedroom – and decided to sort it out in there.

Of course, shoved down the side of the box, was a battered copy of the book his father had written. The Field Of Tares. Smirking slightly, Robert leafed through the musty pages, running his fingers over the faded print. He had never bothered to read it. When his father was alive, he didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that Robert was interested. But also because… the love story was about his parents, when they were teenagers.

Robert always shied away from thinking about his birth mother, Pat. Reading, even a fictional version of her would've been too much for him. He'd already lost the mother who raised him, the one he knew and loved. Why make it harder for himself?

Then after his father died, it would be a raw pain, reading his words. Already there was a dull ache in Robert's chest, whenever he thought of his Dad.

He carefully set the book aside, reaching back into the box. His fingers brushed over a sharp corner. Moving a few books aside, he found a pocket sized, blue album, with a golden teddy bear embossed on the front. A label slipped into the spine read, BOBBY, scrawled in his grandmother's handwriting.

Heart racing, he turned over the cover. The first picture that greeted him was of his parents. Jack and Pat. He had his arms around her, both of their hands rested on her burgoning belly.

Which he assumed, must be him.

Robert had seen pictures of his real mother before, but he'd never had the opportunity to properly sit and stare at her. In the past, he had been too worried about upsetting Sarah or his Dad by mentioning her, so he kept her locked away. Inside his memory and his heart.

Now, he was able to give her his full attention. Reading a fantasy version of her was one thing but this… this was something real.

His breath caught in his throat as he stared at her. Yes, they definitely were mother and son. No mistaking it. They had the same face shape, the same nose, same hair colour, same rounded chin. Turning the page, he saw himself as a newborn, swathed in a yellow blanket, snuggled in his mother's arms.

Completely unaware of the life waiting ahead for him.

A weight pressed against his heart. His parents looked utterly besotted with him, his mother's face, a beacon of happiness. And his father… so much pride and love shining in those eyes.

He'd never see that look ever again.

As he continued to turn the pages, the weight on his heart grew heavier. To the outsider, they were just pictures, nestled in a plastic jacket. But to Robert, they were evidence.

He saw people from his life, whose faces were just blurs in his memory. As he saw their pictures, their faces swam into focus and they started to become people again. People he had once known and loved very much.

Tears leaked from his eyes as he came across the picture of his Uncle Joe, holding him at his Christening, ever the proud Godfather.

Then came the picture of him and Jackie. A sob escaped his throat. Jackie grinned down at him, as he lay in the crook of his big brother's arm. His widow, Kathy had once told Robert that they'd received the news of his birth in The Woolpack, when he'd been told he had a baby brother he had cheered and whooped, "Yes!'

He was the only full blood brother and sibling Robert would ever have. Not that blood meant much but… every now and then, Robert couldn't help wonder what it would've been like had Jackie lived. How different his life would be. No doubt him and Kathy would've had kids of their own and he'd have a whole new Sugden pack to look after.

There was a picture of a woman, with jet black, back combed hair and green eyes. She held onto baby Robert, kissing him on the forehead whilst Jackie protectively wrapped his arms around them both.

Robert swallowed. So. This was his half-sister Sandie. Whenever he thought of 'sister,' naturally he thought of Victoria. She was the one who irritated and amused him, as a sister should. But looking at Sandie, treating him so kindly… she was big sister. Jackie was his big brother. It felt odd. Being someone's baby brother. He was so used to being the eldest, the most responsible, everyone looking to him for guidence – even Andy.

But here… he had people helping him. Looking out for him.

_'Who's ever there for me?'_

Why did she leave? Just cut off contact with him and leave? Panic fluttered in his chest. What did he do to make her just up leave him? He only knew she was in Scotland with their brother Tommy. But that was years ago, they could be anywhere now. It stung. That she didn't want to know him anymore. They shared the same mother for God's sake! Not even a birthday or Christmas card. Their mother was buried here in this cemetery and she never once came to visit, to lay flowers on the grave, or to see Robert.

Radio silence.

He didn't know much about her, except that she had worked with Eric Pollard… and lived at The Mill with her husband. His father had also lived at The Mill in his twenties, and was planning on moving there with his mother, shortly after Robert was born.

He shook his head at the irony of that. His family seemed destined to end up there, but never made it.

Maybe that place was cursed…

And then there was Tommy… Robert frantically flipped through the pages, trying to find a picture of his older half-brother but… nothing.

Apparently Tommy had chosen to live with his father, rather than the Sugdens. So, it was no wonder he never wanted anything to do with Robert. In his eyes, Robert was the child his mother chose over him – and he really didn't want to go stirring up that can of worms.

He'd only just made peace with the brother he grew up with.

Robert continued to skim through the album, but it was only half full. Somewhere around the end of August, the pictures stopped. And he knew why.

His mother had died. Left him alone, to be raised by his father, grandmother and siblings.

Out of all of those people. His grandmother was the only one left. But for how long?

Robert snapped the album shut, chucking it back into the box, his lips trembling. He thought perusing through his baby album would make him feel better but it just made him feel even crappier.

Everyone always ended up leaving him.

He wanted his mother. He wanted Jackie. He wanted Sandie. He wanted his Uncle Joe back. So desperately. Robert knew absolutely nothing about the Harker side of his family. He was named after his mother's father but knew nothing about the man. Was he even alive? Was he dead? It irritated him; the more he started to dwell on it. Where the hell were they? Why had none of them wanted to know him in his lifetime? Was he like them in personality as well as looks? Who knows?

Who was he?

Robert sucked in a breath, wiped his cheeks with his palms and dragged himself up.

He stumbled downstairs, where his laptop was still waiting for him. Dropping into his seat, he lazily scrolled to the top of his manuscript.

He highlighted the title and his name… then hit delete.

Flexing out his fingers, he tapped:

**Fathers, Sons & Brothers**

**By**

**Bobby J. Sugden**

* * *

"So there's still no sign of him coming out of that house then?" Lisa asked, shooing Alfie off her sofa so she could sit down.

Aaron folded his arms, leaning back against the knitted headrest, sighing. "No. He won't budge and I can't make him. No one can."

Zak shook his head, shifting in his armchair. "Poor lad. It'll be a hard struggle this one. I speak from experience."

Aaron swallowed, looking away from his uncle. He knew he was unable to help Zak and his family during that time and felt a twinge of guilt every time someone brought it up.

"How are you feeling in all of this love?" Lisa asked, patting Aaron's arm.

He shrugged, "You're the first person that's asked me that. And honestly Lisa, I wish I could just… go on with my life. Forget about it, forget about him and… and just… start living again. But I can't."

"Maybe some time away might help?" She suggested, tentatively.

"No. He's in here," Aaron tapped his head, then rubbed his chest, "And in here. I've tried running away before and it won't work." He rubbed his palms over his kneecaps in agitation, hissing "It's just I – I don't know what he's doing in that house and he won't talk to me! He's falling apart and I don't know how to help him. It's doing my head in, all this – shouting outside the door!"

"We don't want you falling apart too." Lisa said, caution sewn into her voice.

Aaron hung his head, a small defeated laugh escaped his lips. "I don't have the time to fall apart Lisa. I just wish I knew how to help him. The way he's been behaving…. it's like I don't know who he is anymore."

Zak scratched behind Alfie's ears, a small smile tugging at his lips, "Ah you know… I've known Robert Sugden ever since he were eight years old, running around this village, kicking a football about!"

Aaron lifted his head up, prickling with envy. It always felt odd for Aaron, that his own family had known Robert much longer than he had – and were a part of his formative, childhood memories, when Aaron himself was still living miles away from the village.

Zak furrowed his brow in thought, "You know… Robert Sugden does have a habit of making waves around this place, even when he were a little lad…"

Lisa chuckled, "Oh you don't have to tell us! Things got worse when Andy showed up. The terrible twosome they were!"

"No but… something happened about twenty-odd years ago now, before you, before Andy came." Zak said, his voice grave. "We'd not long been in the village ourselves. And Robert's parents, Jack and Sarah had been having a spot of bother and the little lad ran away from home. He'd been missing for weeks. No one knew where he was! There were police crawling about the place! The whole village was up in arms, everyone thought he could be dead!"

Aaron's jaw dropped, "What…?" How come Robert had never mentioned this before?

"In fact, er…" Zak lifted himself out of his armchair, hurrying toward the staircase.

"Zak where are you going?" Lisa asked in exasperation.

"Wait there, I'll be two ticks!" He called back to them, dashing up the stairs.

Aaron exchanged a puzzled look with Lisa. A few minutes later, Zak returned, brandishing a flimsy piece of paper. "Knew I had it around here somewhere."

He handed it to Aaron who frowned, plucking it from his Uncle's hands.

Aaron's throat ran dry, his heart clenching. There, beaming up at him, was a grainy, black and white picture of a young Robert, maybe eight or nine years old.

Bright red letters screamed - MISSING: Robert Jacob Sugden

"How did you hold onto it for all these years?" Lisa asked incredulously, peering over Aaron's shoulder.

Zak stuffed his hands in his pockets, "I er – I came across it when I were sorting out my stuff. You know, when I moved out last year. Didn't know I still had a copy. Anyway – when were making our own fliers for when our Belle went missing… I dug it out and… " He waved his hand, unable to continue. "Didn't feel right. Chucking it away."

"Why – why wouldn't he tell me about this?" Aaron asked, his voice emerging quiet.

Zak shrugged, "I don't know son. You need to ask him."

Aaron crumpled the page, gritting his teeth, "I can't ask him anything Zak! That's the problem!"

"What happened to him?" Lisa asked, placing a hand on Aaron's arm to calm him down. She turned to Zak, "Robert? Poor little mite, where had he been?"

"From what I gather, he'd been kidnapped by an ex-soldier and held in his farmhouse for weeks!" Zak replied, his eyes wide.

Lisa gasped, "Oh the poor little lamb!"

Aaron's chest tightened, he gaped at his uncle. "Kidnapped? You're joking me!"

Zak shook his head, "No lad. Our Sammy made a right mess of it too! He rang up Jack Sugden, pretending to be the kidnapper, just to get the reward money!"

"He did what?" Aaron gasped. He knew his family could sink low but this really hit rock bottom. And from Sammy of all people!

"Oh I could've knocked seven bells out of him!" Zak growled. "Mind you, Jack Sugden nearly did! Couldn't blame him to be honest. I never saw eye to eye with the man. But he really did love his boy."

Aaron bit his lip, guilt churning in his stomach. He knew a secret about Jack Sugden that no one else did. The words could easily spill from his mouth right now.

_'I won't say anything to anyone.'_

No. He couldn't betray Robert like that, it wasn't his place. Keeping secrets was his speciality too.

Aaron released a slow breath. In a daze, he stood up folding the page tightly. "Can I keep hold of this Uncle Zak?"

Zak nodded, "If you like."

"Cheers."

"What'll you do now love?" Lisa asked, softly.

"Well I'm still not giving up." Aaron replied, determination ripe in his voice, "Especially now I know he might've been… you know… by that soldier…"

Both Zak and Lisa glared at the floor, in unison.

Aaron cleared his throat, embarassed. "Anyway. I – I should – er - go and get Liv's dinner on. And by that I mean – ring the pizza place!" He gave them an awkward laugh.

Zak and Lisa stretched their lips into a tight smile.

"All right love. You ring us if you need anything." Lisa said gently, seeing him out.

Once the door shut, Aaron allowed himself to collapse against the wall, his chest heaving. He unfolded the crumpled piece of paper, smoothing it out. His thumb ran over the smiling, innocent child, grinning up at him.

Robert. His Robert, had been kidnapped and held hostage… probably subjected to, God only knows what! And he hadn't said a word! Throughout Aaron's entire ordeal with Gordon, Robert had stood by his side, ready to catch him when he crumbled.

Now he knew why.

A tear splashed onto the print, smudging the ink.

"Why didn't you tell me mate?" Aaron sniffed, staring at the small child, forever trapped in time. He clutched the flyer, his knuckles turning white. "Tell me how to help you now Rob. Please... please... this is killing me too!"

He swallowed the rest of his tears, the flyer now scrunched in his hand. Taking a minute to pull himself together, Aaron hitched up his hood and dug into his pocket, retrieving his phone. He scrolled through his contacts, his thumb hovering over 'Rob.' He hesitated, nibbling his bottom lip. Then he hit the call button.

Lifting the phone to his ear, heart hammering with anticipation, Aaron paced the driveway of Zak and Lisa's, ignoring the snorts emitting from the pigs, shuffling in their pen.

"Hiya, you've reached Robert. I'm not here right now, but you know what to do."

Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. He always used to tease Robert for his sardonic voicemail. Now... it was all he wanted to hear. He didn't realise just how Robert Sugden that voicemail was. Bored and straight to the point. He missed the way his deep, dulcet tone made his heart quicken with desire and love.

_'It's so good to hear your voice.'_

The loud bleep punctuating the end of his voicemail, was Aaron's cue to hang up.

He waited a couple more seconds. Then tried calling again.

Just to hear his voice.

Even if it was a pre-recorded one.

* * *

_'Sarah's in there!'_

_'Mum! Mum! Where is she?'_

_'Jaaaaack!'_

Robert bolted upright, panting, heart kicking against his chest. Sweat, mixed with tears, dribbled down his face. It took him a few seconds, blinking in the dark, for the room to shift back into focus and he remembered where he was.

He nudged the thick bed covers off, resting his elbows on his knees and taking deep breaths. The nightmares were growing more real now. His mother's voice, screaming in his ear as she burned to death was something Robert thought he had buried, deep into the recesses of his mind. He knew now. Demons never leave.

His stomach lurched again, acid churning in his throat. Robert clapped a hand to his mouth, bolting into the bathroom. He flipped the toilet lid open just in time to retch into the bowl.

Robert stared at the chewed up, undigested contents of his dinner, now floating in the toilet water. It was just a cheese sandwich that he had nibbled on, in between writing breaks and sorting out the house. But he couldn't keep it down.

He wilted against the bathtub, waiting for the sharp prodding in his head to subside. Eventually, he cleaned himself up and climbed back into bed.

Snuggling under his new bedsheets, he came to a decision. Why put himself through this suffering, night after miserable night? It would be much better in the long run, if he just didn't eat at all.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	8. Full Denim Jacket

Robert stood by the floor length mirror in his grandmother's room. Using two fingers, he tugged his t-shirt down, staring into the reflection. There it was. The red mark, permanently etched into his skin, just above his heart.

The first time they had made love, since his shooting, Aaron had ripped Robert's shirt open, only to be taken completely aback by the bullet scar. He'd swallowed, his eyes glazed with regret and sadness. Robert had held his breath, unsure of how to react or what to say. Then slowly, Aaron pressed his lips to the raw blemish, peeling off his own shirt and revealing his own jagged scars.

"Now we've both seen each other." Aaron had muttered, his voice hoarse with desire, before pulling Robert in for a long, deep, kiss.

The rest of the night passed in a wonderful, sweet, haze.

The memory usually made Robert's eyes prick with tears. Now? He felt his heartbeat quicken a little. That was it.

He turned to the side, scrutinizing his profile. His arms were like two sticks and his hip bone protruded through his t-shirt. His eyes were sinking into the back of his head, giving him a gaunt, haunted appearance.

Robert sighed, collapsing onto the bed, his head spinning.

He reached for the bulging black bin bag at his feet. It was a bag of his old clothes, which should have been shafted to the charity shop years ago. He couldn't think why his father would've kept it after he left. Surely he would've held a bonfire and burnt the lot!

A smile tugged at his lips as Robert emptied out the bundle of clothes onto the floor. Baggy trousers, loose t-shirts and neon vests. Early noughties fashion at it's finest!

A dark blue, denim sleeve, peeping out from under the pile, caught his attention. Robert froze, his heart hammering. It couldn't be…

Grabbing the sleeve, he yanked it out from the material debris. His breath caught in his throat, a laugh escaping his lips.

His old denim jacket! His fingers lightly danced over the crisp fabric. It still felt as new as the day he'd bought it. Only a fiver from a thrift shop. He'd gone into town with Andy for school supplies and saw it in the window as they passed. Andy whined and complained that they'd miss their bus back, but Robert told him to shut up and do one. He wanted that jacket and he always got what he wanted.

This had been his jacket. He had lived in it, all through his teen years. It became iconic for him. The Robert Jacket, Diane used to say, with a teasing smile. The nickname caught on.

Aaron had seen only one photo of Robert in the jacket. They'd been sorting through his stuff, when he first moved into the pub and Aaron had found the photo at the bottom of the box. It was of Robert at around sixteen, leaning against a fence, staring into the camera, unsmiling, his eyes sarcastic but carrying a troubled stare.

Hundreds of people had seen that photo and hadn't said a word. Aaron just glanced at the photo and then asked him why he looked so upset.

Robert couldn't even remember why. He couldn't even remember who took the photo. Was it his Dad? Or Andy? He didn't know.

Aaron then tried to tease him about the jacket, saying he looked quite fit in denim. Robert suddenly realised that Aaron had never seen him in any denim jacket. It was too casual for Robert now. When he left the village, he left the jacket behind. It was a painful reminder of the life he once had.

He had never worn a denim jacket again.

He had replaced it with smart suits and Italian leather, trying to shed the skin of the person he loathed.

Standing up slowly, Robert stepped toward the mirror. Never taking his eyes off his reflection, he pushed a thin arm through one sleeve, then the other arm, finally shrugging into the whole jacket.

A tear slipped down his cheek as he gazed upon himself. The denim jacket cuddled him snugly, like welcoming a hug from an old friend. When he was younger, it had been baggy and loose, adhering to the fashion. Now Robert was much taller, it actually fit him better. The sleeves curled at his wrists and the torso wrapped around his chest area securely.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, allowing the tears to pour down his cheeks. It was amazing, how a simple item of clothing from his past, could give him so much comfort.

Robert bent down, shoving all his old clothes back into the bin bag. He darted from his grandmother's room to his new room, grabbing all the old shirts he used to wear. Including that floral print shirt. He held it up in the mirror, his fingers curling into the thin material.

_'Oh and Robert… I know you think you're over the whole style thing, now that you're – out and proud or whatever. But floral print. On you. Is a big no, no. Trust me.'_

_'Told ya.'_

_'No you didn't!'_

_'Yeah but, I was thinking it though!'_

Anger gushed through his entire body. He released a loud cry, tearing the shirt into strips, buttons snapped off, scattering to the floor. Robert's legs gave way, he sank to the floor, panting. The floral shirt still bunched in his hands.

* * *

"All right your turn mate!" Adam chuckled, pushing the stack of darts into Aaron's hand.

Aaron grinned, shuffling into position, "Fine, but when I win this – you're getting the next round!"

Liv heaved an exaggerated sigh of boredom, "Can we go now?"

"In a bit." Aaron replied, his tone offhand. His mind was fully focused on the bullseye target in his eye line.

"I've got homework." Liv pressed, anger seeping into her voice, "And you've got to go check on - "

"Liv." Aaron subtly shook his head at her.

Adam frowned, a smile frozen on his lips, "What's all this mate? Thought you weren't gonna have anything to do with Robert anymore."

Liv rested her chin on her palm and raised her brow at Adam, "Is that what he told you?"

"Liv seriously. Drop it." Aaron's warning tone, forced her to shrink back. She glared at her food, picking up a chip and shoving it in her mouth.

Aaron turned to Adam, "Look it's nothing, it's just… let's just play darts yeah. Forget about - stuff for a while."

Adam clapped him on the back, "Sounds good to me mate."

Aaron glanced over his shoulder, catching his mother's eye as she watched him fondly from behind the bar. She smiled at him, pouring a glass of wine for Diane. Victoria darted through from the back, her eyes wide, phone clutched in her hand. She stopped beside Diane, whispering urgently into her ear. Diane grabbed her bag in a fluster and the two of them dashed out of the pub.

Aaron froze. His heart hammering, an icy panic, trickling down his spine. Oh God, had something happened?

Chas looked over at him, her eyes silently yelling at him 'Don't even think about it.'

Before anyone could hold him back, he bolted out of the doors.

* * *

 "Would you like me to drive pet?" Diane asked, her voice wavering, as Victoria's foot punched the accelerator.

"No, Diane I've got – arrrgh!" Victoria screamed as Aaron pounced in front of the car, slamming his palms on the hood. She hit the brakes quickly, screeching to a halt.

"Oh my word!" Diane gasped, "Aaron what do you think you're playing at!"

Aaron didn't reply. He scurried around the car, wrenching open the door and bouncing into the backseat, "I'm coming with ya. No arguments. Now drive."

Victoria swallowed, her trembling hand was about to shift the gear stick from park into drive, when the back door opened – and Liv slid into the backseat.

"Seriously?" Victoria groaned, glaring into her wing mirror, "Liv, what are you doing?"

"Yeah, what are you doing?" Aaron echoed, shuffling up to make room.

"I don't know what's going on," She started, her voice laced with suppressed rage, "But I hate not being kept in the loop. And I'm just as worried about Robert as you are. So I have every right to tag along."

"What makes you think we're off to see Robert?" Victoria asked, sticking her chin up in defiance.

Liv just narrowed her eyes at her, "You really wanna do this now?"

"Oh for goodness sake!" Diane snapped, "I have half a mind to kick out the lot of you and just go up there on my own!"

"Right, what's going on?" Aaron asked, leaning forward.

Victoria drove carefully down the street, glancing into the wing mirror, muttering, "I got a text off Robert. He asked us to come up."

"Right well… did he say why?" Aaron pushed, ignoring the sickening churning in his gut.

"Says he's got something for me." Victoria responded. They reached the winding, country road. Victoria switched the headlights on, peering at the navy blue sky though her windshield. "It's gonna be dark soon. I hope whatever it is… it's worth all this hassle."

"Just remember, we're doing this on his terms." Diane said softly. "Keep faith pet. It can't be long before he comes out of that house now."

Victoria sighed, "I hope so Diane. I really do. Because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take."

The rest of them lapsed into a thoughtful, awkward silence.

Aaron nibbled on his thumbnail during the entire drive, staring out of the window at the blur of trees and fields. Even though the farmhouse was only fifteen minutes away from the village, it felt like hours before they pulled into the narrow driveway.

"Finally!" Aaron huffed, limping out of the car, his joints stiff from being curled up in that small backseat.

Victoria slammed her door, glowering at him, "No one asked you to come."

"Just let me drive then." Aaron fired back.

"You're not even insured!"

He scoffed, rotating his arm, "Like that matters."

Diane rolled her eyes, throwing her hands up in defeat. "Oh for crying out loud! I'm honestly one step away from smacking the pair of you!"

Twilight crept upon the sky. The four of them marched up to the house, with Aaron awkwardly hanging back from the group, his hands shoved in his pockets.

Victoria lifted her hand to knock on the door, when she stopped, her foot colliding with an overflowing bin bag.

"What the…?" She picked up the bag, rifling through it's contents. "It's – it's all of Robert's clothes!"

"What?" Aaron pushed past Diane, grabbing the bag off Victoria and digging into the pile. He pulled out a light blue shirt, his heart sinking.

No. This was one of Robert's favourite shirts!

"What the hell is he playing at now?" Aaron asked, his voice trembling with unease. "Why – why would he just shove all his clothes in here and – and leave it out?"

As if on cue, Victoria's phone pinged.

She scrambled for the small plastic device, her face illuminated by the bright screen. "He says – bin it, burn it, take it down to charity shop. I don't care. Thanks."

Liv gaped at her, "Is that it? That's what he dragged us out here for?"

Victoria frowned, "Er, well – me and Diane. You lot decided to tag along."

Aaron dragged out another item of clothing from the bag. Robert's white floral print… torn in half, threads spilling from the seams.

"I don't believe him." Aaron's jaw ticked in anger, his voice escalating, "How long is he gonna keep this up for?"

"Aaron stop it!" Diane hissed, "Now is not the time!"

"It never is, is it?" Aaron yelled, glaring at the upstairs window.

_'What makes you think I'm up to something?'_

_'You're breathing aren't ya?'_

"So what, you – you think you're just gonna burn all your stuff? Sell your car, sell your businesses, move in here and – and what?" Aaron couldn't keep the frightened tremour out of his voice, "What are you up to Robert? Eh?"

"Aaron that's enough!" Diane snapped, trying to push him away from the door, "You're no good to Robert like this! Get back in the car right now and calm down!"

"I don't need to calm down!" Aaron shot back, "I need to get into that – bloody house!" He clenched and unclenched his fists, pacing around in circles. This was getting serious now. There was a tone of… finality in all of Robert's movements. And he'd seen it all before. Six years ago…

Liv watched her brother slowly melting down, "Aaron. We should go home." She suggested quietly. "Robert doesn't want to see us. I don't think he ever will. It's over."

Aaron released a defeated sigh, resting his palms on his head. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to barricade the tears but they escaped, slipping down his cheeks.

"It's over." He whispered, his heart clenching.

"Maybe not."

A deep, familiar voice, floated toward them. They all spun around, in shock.

Andy Sugden stepped out from the shadows, his face weathered and lined with tiredness. He managed a tight smile, "Maybe he'll let me in eh."

* * *

 

_to be continued..._

 

 


	9. Let Me In

"Andy!" Victoria squealed, launching herself into his arms. "I've missed ya!"

Andy squeezed her tightly, "I've missed you too Vic!"

Liv eyed him up and down with distate, "Thought you were supposed to be on the run?"

Without looking at her, he replied coolly, "I am. But I got something important to do here first, before I go back to being a fugitive."

Victoria pulled out of his embrace and punched his arm.

"Ow! What the hell ?"

"That's for all the grief we've been put through!" She chided.

Andy rubbed his arm, "I'm sorry Vic! But I was set up. I had no choice but to leave and I didn't think I'd come back. But now… I have to."

He glanced at Aaron who backed away slightly, his body still rigid with suppressed anger.

Diane kissed Andy's cheek, tears pooling in her eyes, "Where have you been pet? Your name's been cleared! Lachlan confessed to everything - !"

"Yeah but he broke out of jail and ran from the police," Aaron chimed in, "If they catch ya - "

"Right, everyone just hush for a second!" Andy bellowed. He peered behind them at the house, concerned. "Look er, let's not have this conversation here yeah? Come with me."

He gestured they all follow him. Diane and Victoria trotted after him, delighted he had returned. Aaron and Liv however, were less enthusiastic to follow him. Aaron took one last look over his shoulder at the silent house. His eyes flicked to the upstairs window.

"Come on mate." He whispered, "Just let me see your face."

Maybe Robert had heard them arguing. Sadly, he nodded over to Liv, shoving his hands in his pockets, they traipsed after the others.

* * *

Robert closed his eyes, allowing the warm water to wash over him. He slid further into the bath, trying to block out the muffled shouting emerging from outside. Although he couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, he knew they were fighting about him.

Water seeped into his ears, pooling over his head. Now he was fully immersed underwater. He prised his eyes open, gazing at the pinpricks of candlelight dancing on the surface. So this is what it felt like. What would happen if he just… never surfaced? A stream of bubbles escaped his lips. Should he just close his eyes, let the water trickle into his lungs and finally call it a day?

' _Robert you gotta go!'_

_'No chance!'_

_'Robert I am not having you dying in here because of me!'_

_'I'm not leaving you! No!'_

_'Robert! I love you… okay, I love you, please just go…'_

He pushed himself back up, spluttering, water leaking from his nose, dribbling down his face. Robert smoothed his drenched hair back, taking deep gulps of air, allowing his breathing to return to normal.

It had gone quiet outside. Grabbing his towel off the rack, he dried himself off and ran into his grandmother's bedroom to peep out of the window.

Diane's car was parked in his driveway. But no one was hanging around.

So where were they?

Robert pulled on an old T-shirt and some sweats, his head throbbing sharply. They had probably wandered around the back again, trying to see if he'd accidentally left the back door open or was sitting outside, enjoying the fresh air.

Chance would be a fine thing.

Robert hadn't even managed to get any writing done today. His mind was numb and his fingers kept trembling. He sighed, collapsing onto the bed, willing sleep to just claim him. Forever.

* * *

Andy led them to a nearby barn, away from the farmhouse but still on the land. Well – it was all Robert's land anyway, something that still overwhelmed Aaron.

Andy had managed to make a comfortable nest for himself in the barn, a couple of bags and a duffel coat lay sprawled over blocks of hay.

_'Interesting choice of venue. Do all your business meetings here do ya?'_

_'Well, it depends on the business...'_

"How long have you been back for?" Victoria asked, hitching herself up to sit atop a block of hay.

"Only a few hours." Andy replied, perching on a block next to her. "I know it's risky. Me hanging around here. But I got a letter from a friend of Rob's. Lord Verney's son, Oliver."

"You what?" Aaron gaped at him. Robert had a friend he didn't know about? And the posh son of a Lord!

Then again, why should he be shocked now. There were too many layers of Robert's life to delve into and he wasn't one to overshare. Aaron was learning that the hard way.

"He er… he said he was concerned about Robert. He was the buffer between us, all this time. He never asked any questions and I wanted to keep a low profile but… I think he thought something was up." Andy looked to each of them, expectantly.

Victoria sighed, "Oh something's up. We should probably fill you in. And I should warn you. It's not a pretty story."

She glanced at Aaron who tore his gaze away. As she re-told the story to Andy, he found that he couldn't look at anyone.

After she'd finished, Andy didn't say a word. His fixed look of horror and guilt, said everything he needed to.

"My God…" He choked, running a hand over his rugged face. He turned to Aaron, accusation rife in his tone, "And so – you just left him on his own? After everything? So much for being in love!"

"I was! I still am! I just needed time to get my own head together!" Aaron snapped, his temper prickling. "And are you really gonna stand there and have a go at me now yeah? None of this would've happened if it weren't for you!"

"Aaron!" Victoria groaned, "Drop it - "

"What do you mean by that?" Andy countered, standing up straighter, taller.

Aaron stalked over to him, keeping his voice as steady as possible, "You couldn't make up your mind what you wanted. You're such a hypocrite, having a go at me and Robert for messing around behind Chrissie's back, when you did the same with Bernice!"

"Aaron, enough!" Diane hissed, "Can we all please just - "

"That's different!" Andy growled, "Chrissie and I had broken up – it was a one time thing with Bernice!" He threw an apologetic glance at Diane.  
"Yeah but you had no problem binning her and then running straight back to Chrissie when she snapped her fingers didn't ya?" Aaron continued, ignoring Diane's icy stare. "And then, instead of sticking around in prison and fighting it out, you break away from court and go on the run!"

"Pot and kettle Aaron," Victoria muttered.

"I was covering for a mate." Aaron said, his tone sharp. "This soft lad here let Robert clean up all his mess, so he roped in that cow and then we all know how this story ends!"

"Yes!" Diane yelled, "With Robert locking himself away from the world and refusing to come out!"

They all fell silent.

Aaron rested his hands on his hips, licking his lips, unsure of what to do. He couldn't help the burning resentment he felt toward Andy. He knew Robert wouldn't want him fighting with his brother. But he needed someone to strike. And right now, Andy Sugden fit the target perfectly.

Not to mention, a part of him will always hold it against Andy that he ordered Ross to shoot Robert and then let Aaron stew in prison for months. Twice he'd been in prison and both times, the road always led back to Andy bloody Sugden!

"Now let's all take a breath and calm down," Diane suggested, her voice wavering, "We need to work together and think of a way we can get Robert out of that house. I'm starting to get really worried now."

"Right well…seeing as you lot have all tried and failed… I guess that just leaves me." Andy said firmly.

Liv frowned, "Hang on. What makes you think he'll open the door for you? How come you're so special?"

Andy rolled his eyes, irritated, "He's my brother. Me and Rob can kill each other on the worst of days. But when push comes to shove… we lend the other a helping hand. It's just the way we are."

Aaron took a step toward him, his voice dripping with acid, "Yeah. I know exactly what kind of helping hand you're capable of lending mate. Especially when you hand it to someone else, to do your dirty work for ya!"

"That's all in the past." Andy snarled back.

"What's going on here?" Victoria asked loudly, her eyes flicking from one to the other.

Aaron and Andy both held each other's steady gaze, waiting to see who would crack first. Aaron saw a flicker of panic in Andy's eyes and felt a surge of satisfaction. He could quite easily spill Andy's darkest secret. What could he lose? Robert? Too late…

"Nothing." Aaron sniffed, turning away from Andy and stalking back to his corner, his fingers digging into his palms. "Forget it."

Diane had been glaring at the floor during their whole exchange. Aaron narrowed his eyes in her direction. She glanced up at him, quickly looking away in a fluster.

"Right, so back to Robert yeah." Liv said pointedly to Andy, "If - by some miracle, he does let you into the house, what are you gonna do?"

Andy nervously rubbed the back of his neck, "Well I need to see what kind of a state he's in."

"Check to see if he's eating." Diane said, her voice laced with worry. She scuttled over to him, "Please pet. We bring him food but… whether he's eating it or chucking it away, is a different matter entirely. It's taken me all the restraint in the world not to kick down that door and force a sandwich down his throat!"

"I'll make sure he's eating Diane, don't worry." Andy said, taking her hand, "I won't give up on him. He never gave up on me. Not when it counted. And… I'm not just talking about helping me escape the police. I'm… talking about everything else." He took a deep breath, "If it weren't for Rob… I wouldn't even be a part of this family."

Liv's cheek twitched, "I know." She said quietly, looking at Aaron, "I wouldn't be either."

Aaron pursed his lips, his body deflating. He sauntered towards Andy, muttering, "All right. We'll do it your way. But first he has to open that door."

Andy gave him a stiff nod in response, "He will."

They didn't shake hands but there was an uneasy, temporary truce, settling between the two.

Andy led them all back to the farmhouse where they clustered around the door. He held up his hands, warding them all back, "Look, you shouldn't all stand so close to the door. Just back off a bit yeah, give him some space?"

"Erm, since when do we take orders from you?" Aaron mumbled, his eyes narrowing.

"Just do it. Please." Andy sighed, his tone weary. "I don't want him to think he's being ambushed."

Aaron opened his mouth to argue but Liv grabbed his arm, dragging him a few paces back, with Diane and Victoria.

Liv whispered furiously into Aaron's ear, "Robert won't be thrilled if you start picking fights with his brother, outside his house! Please, just pack it in! For your sake as well yeah!"

Ashamed, Aaron nodded. Of course she didn't actually know the half of it. Picking a fight with Andy outside Robert's house wasn't the worst thing Aaron had done so far…

Andy licked his lips, leaning against the doorframe, his worldly possessions slung over his shoulder.

He rapped his calloused knuckles upon the door. "Rob," He called softly, "It's me."

Silence.

Aaron rolled his eyes, nibbling his top lip in anger, "See. Told ya he'd -"

A bolt scraped across the inside of the door.

Diane gasped, "Oh my – oh my God!"

Andy jolted away from the doorframe. Aaron sucked in a breath, his heart kicking against his chest.

The door swung open!

Andy darted inside. Both Aaron and Victoria lurched into motion, but the door slammed shut in their faces.

* * *

What made him open that door? Nearly two weeks he'd been shut up in the house, alone and isolated from everyone. How many times had people tried to lure him back out into the world, by crying, threatening him or kicking the door down?

But it took three words. Three simple words and a familiar voice. A voice he'd know anywhere.

_'Rob. It's me.'_

Robert's fingers scrambled for the locks, before his mind even registered what he was doing. He hid behind the door, holding it wide enough for Andy to slip into the house. His hands automatically pushed the door shut, sliding the bolt back, securely into position.

Andy. His brother, stood opposite him. His face was weathered by the elements, a dark beard shadowing his chin. Robert just stared at him, his lip trembling, tears threatening to spill.

Andy held Robert's gaze, his own eyes brimming with unshed tears. He took a deep breath, "So dearest brother… I heard you need my help."

Robert choked out a laugh, which quickly melted into sob. "Andy…I've – I've screwed up and I -"

Andy grabbed him, pulling him into a tight embrace. "Shh. I've got you brother." He patted his back as they quietly sobbed into each other's shoulders. "I've got you."

* * *

  _t_ _o be continued..._


	10. The Sugden Boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again - thanks so much for the reviews! I'm so glad you like the story! Just a quick bit of canon backstory for those who don't know... Basically Joe Sugden had two stepkids called Rachel and Mark Hughes. They lived in ED Farm for a few years and were treated like part of the Sugden clan. Robert genuinely loved them both, especially Mark who was only 13 years older than him. He then died in the plane crash of 1993. Rachel stayed on (married Chris Tate and had a son who's Noah's half-bro) and in 1997 she had an affair with Jack... causing a whole load of problems. The episodes are on YouTube circa Oct/Nov 97.   
> Anyway... on with the tale!

_Andy Sugden!'_

_'Andy and Robert Sugden!'_

_'The Sugden Boys!'_

_'Sounds like a circus act.'_

_'Jack!'_

His body was too thin. That was the first thing Andy noticed when he hugged his brother. He could feel his bones, poking through his t-shirt. He could also feel Robert involuntarily trembling in his arms.

Trying not to panic, Andy gently pulled back, eyeing Robert in concern, "Rob… you look terrible."

Robert gave a tired laugh. "Cheers."

"Seriously! When was the last time you ate anything eh?" Andy asked, concerned.

"This morning." Robert responded quickly.

Andy tilted his head to the side, "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not! What's with the great inquisition anyway?" He jerked his head toward the door, "Did that lot there ask you to spy on me?"

Andy figdeted with the strap of his bag, "They're worried about you Rob. We all are."

Robert just stared at him, his eyes blank. "Get rid of them." He ordered, sloping off into the kitchen.

Andy sighed, rubbing his temple. He banged lightly on the door, calling out calmly, "It's okay. He's fine. I've got this."

Everything wasn't okay. Robert was far from fine. And Andy definitely had a fight on his hands here.

 _"_ _All right pet."_  Came Diane's response.  _"If you're sure. We'll just… head off then. We'll be back tomorrow though!"_

"Yeah, great." Andy replied, trying to keep the irony out of his tone.

 _"Bye Robert!"_  Victoria's hopeful voice filtered through, " _I'll see you tomorrow yeah?"_

Andy glanced toward the kitchen area where Robert was muddling about. Andy knocked back against the door, "Yeah Vic. We'll see ya."

"Hey, you want some whiskey?" Robert hollered from the kitchen. "I think we could both use a drink!"

"Sure." Andy took a few tentative steps around the living area, a grimace fixed on his face, "Hey, er Rob," He called out, "What the heck are you doing back here? I thought Dad said this place had substance problems?"

Robert emerged from the kitchen, his fingers pinching two tumblers of whiskey in one hand, whilst the other hand clutched the bottle. He offered a glass to Andy, muttering, "Yeah well… I'm planning to get the land surveyed so we can deal with it."

"That'll cost a bit won't it?"

Robert shrugged, "Sold my car didn't I?"

Andy gasped, "Not the Porsche! You idiot!"

"Business is business." Robert countered, in an offhand tone. "Speaking of - I sold my businesses as well. I want a clean break."

Andy stared at him. "To do... what exactly?"

Robert opened his mouth to reply but then halted, "Er - not sure yet. But I'm not just gonna up and leave a perfectly decent amount of land! I'll find some use for it. Empty farmyards are worth a lot if you really sit and think about it."

"Wow. You've changed your tune!" Andy replied in disbelief, "If only Dad could hear you now eh kid?"

Robert gritted his teeth, "I'm not doing this for Dad. I'm doing this… for myself. It's taken thirty-one years but… I realise that this is my home, it's where I belong. It's the only place in such a long time that I've felt…. Peace."

Andy nodded, trying to find the words to respond. He just stretched his lips, into a tight smile, holding up his glass, "Well er – welcome home then."

They clinked their glasses. Robert downed his drink in one. Andy raised his glass to his lips but didn't drink.

Robert set his glass down, pointing at Andy's, "You want another one?"

"Nah you're all right. I'll just finish this yeah?"

"Come sit down then." Robert gestured to the sofa. He tossed a few logs onto the fire. He was well aware that his log pile was shrinking day by day. Eventually, he'd have to venture out of the house and start chopping up wood.

Andy set his bag down, perching on an armchair, trying to make himself at home. Robert slumped down on the sofa, caressing the whiskey bottle. "You been to see the kids yet? Sarah's got - "

"I know." Andy replied curtly. At Robert's inquisitve stare he licked his lips, ploughing on, "Let's just say – Prague's a very small place."

Relief spread across his brother's face. "Thank God." He breathed. "All this time, I thought something terrible might happen and you wouldn't've been here. So – hang on - how come she didn't say ought?"

"I asked her not to. It wasn't worth the risk." Andy smiled fondly, "But I got to see her. And she saw me. That was enough."

Robert cleared his throat. "Andy I'm - I'm glad. And I'm glad you're here now. It really means a lot. How did you - ?"

"Your mate Verney."

"Ah." Robert's cheek twitched, "Their family used to live in Home Farm," He said softly, "Did you know that?"

Andy shook his head. "Were they nobility?"

Robert nodded, "Yep. And they only left the place back in the seventies. Five centuries of looking after this village. All gone." He snapped his fingers, "Just like that. Now? Poor Oliver. He's got a title, but no money or land."

"Guess that's just life eh." Andy responded, shifting in his chair a little.

"Still, he came in handy though." Robert said, squinting into the fire. "I needed to get this place back... and he helped me out. Managed to track down the right people and get them to sell their shares. I just bought the whole thing off him. Now it's all mine."

"Impressive. You've gone from owning nothing... to... well, pretty much everything. It's a decent setup you've got here Rob!"

"Yeah? What about you?" Robert's head rolled toward him. "I got your letters. Took Verney a while to give them to me. You seem to be doing okay."

Andy shrugged, his voice tense, "I'm getting by. Or rather – Brian Moore's getting by. Though er… I admit there is something quite refreshing. Just… re-inventing yourself. Leaving this place. Should've done it years ago."

"What? Go on the run?"

Andy released a weary laugh, "No! Left. This village. This – Miseryville we call home. I'm pretty sure it's cursed."

Robert gave him an ironic smirk. "I once heard Uncle Joe talking about the curse of the Sugdens. Happened after the plane crash. He'd lost his stepson… Mark Hughes and..."

There it was again. That vacant look, glazing over Robert's eyes.

"Mark Hughes?" Andy prompted gently, jolting Robert out of his reverie, "That was Rachel's brother right?"

Robert nodded stiffly. "He - he was like a big brother to me." His voice shook, "Taught me how to play football, looked after me. I er – hero worshipped him. I loved him." A tear escaped, meandering down his cheek.

Andy licked his lip. "Look I er… I never forgave Rachel for what she did to Mum and Dad. Splitting up their marriage and that - "

"Yeah her and Dad were both responsible for that!" Robert interrupted, wiping his tear away. He sniffed, taking another swig of whiskey. "They broke Mum's heart. But still… I'm sorry for the way she died. Rachel. And for her son, Joseph. No kid should have to…" He took a long slug of whiskey.

Andy watched Robert for a few minutes, wondering if he could wrestle that damned whiskey bottle out of his hands.

Robert gasped, letting the bottle lull back against his lap. "Look Andy… if we're going to do this – then we need to clear the air properly you know. Just – just rip the bandage off and clense the wound…because I need you… I need you here…"

Like a puppet Andy nodded, though his eyes were growing smaller. He knew what was coming… and he was ready for it. Because he needed Robert too. Right now… they both needed each other.

Robert took a deep breath, "So here goes… I swear on Mum's grave… Katie – was an accident."

Andy closed his eyes, nodding slowly. Finally. He just wanted Robert to acknowledge her at least. Whether he liked it or not… the three of them had all been a part of each other's story.

"I know Rob." He replied, his voice surprisingly calm. "You see the thing is – I've had a lot of time to think while I've been away. And Katie… we'd just got married, we were supposed to be starting a new life together. But… she was so obsessed with you. I begged her to let it go. She knew you were having an affair but I wanted her to forget it. How was it our business? The only reason she was so… fixed on getting revenge on you, was probably because she still had feelings for ya!"

Robert threw up a hand to halt him, "No Andy – you can't think like that. Okay? I don't know why she was so – keen on catching me out - "

"Yeah you do." Andy interjected quietly. "We both know, first hand, what a woman scorned can do. And you can't admit it because that would mean admitting to treating her like crap, back in the day. You know… she was actually willing to seduce you, just to get us Wileys. Lawrence tried to cut a deal with her, using your relationship as a bargaining chip."

Robert gritted his teeth, "Yeah. Sounds just like the conniving git!"

Andy glanced at his brother. "Vic – told me what happened with them. Everything."

"Bet you think I really messed things up this time!" Robert took another swig of whiskey.

Andy chuckled darkly, "Robert I'm not gonna pass judgement on ya, not after what I've just heard. But if you wanna talk. I'm listening."

Robert didn't say anything, just smiled gratefully. They spent the next few minutes, indulging in silence, staring into the crackling fire.

Andy watched the yellow flames licking the hearth. A memory suddenly surfaced in his mind. Sixteen years ago, a fun night out with a group of friends had turned into horror as they accidentally killed their headteacher in a hit and run. Robert and Andy had returned to the house and retired to bed, utterly shaken. Even though Robert was still smarting over what had happened with Sarah, he didn't want to sleep alone and asked Andy to stay with him all night.

_'Did it feel this bad? After what happened with Mum?'_

_'I tried to block – it all out. But –all memories are bad ones. Robert… if I hadn't've been born - '_

_'I pity you. Really do. I can't help hating ya. What have we done?'_

"Robert… " Andy started delicately, his eyes still on the fire, "While we're on the subject of cleaning wounds… I need to talk to you about Mum."

Robert shook his head quickly, "Don't. Please, Andy, we've said everything - "

"We haven't though. Have we?" Andy leaned forward, clasping his hands in front of him, "Rob… you know what I was just thinking about then? Miss Strickland."

The same haunted look clouded over Robert's eyes. "Why – why were you thinking about her?" He asked in a small voice.

"Do you remember what I said to ya? That night when we couldn't sleep and… I stayed by your side?" Andy rubbed his hands together nervously, "And do you remember what you said back?"

Robert's lip trembled, tears leaking from his eyes. "You – said that all memories are bad ones. And I said that I pity you. But I couldn't help hating ya!" He shook his head, "I didn't mean it. I was angry about Mum and still in shock. I don't hate you Andy. I could never…"

_'Always loved ya. Underneath.'_

_'A long way underneath.'_

Robert wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, "Andy… when I first met you, I was a loner. I didn't have many friends, not proper ones. I don't know why. I just… found it hard."

A soft laugh escaped Andy's lips, "I know what you mean. Felt exactly the same. I was just Andy Hopwood, Billy Hopwood's runt. Being bounced around from care homes to foster homes. My Gran was an alcoholic. My Dad was in the nick. And my Mum… well, she didn't wanna know. It wasn't till I met you – Jack, Sarah, Vic… that I actually felt like I belonged. And found out what a real home was like."

Robert swallowed, "Yeah. I loved having you around. My best mate. I think… despite everything, you're the only best mate I've ever had. And probably ever will."

"You're mine too." Andy responded, a smile tugging at his lips. "After you left the village Rob… I struggled. It's almost like I needed you to keep me in line. Even though we were fighting at the time – the one thing you always did was keep me in line, I won't ever deny that. And that includes keeping my inhaler in your pocket!"

Robert scoffed, "That's because Mum made me!"

Andy looked at him, in all seriousness. "Still helped save my life on occasion though."

Robert shuffled awkwardly in his seat, "Yeah well – I was just… looking out for ya."

"Right. So how did we go from that – to trying to kill each other?" Andy asked, his throat closing up, blocking the tears that wanted to escape. "It was Mum wasn't it Rob?"

Robert squeezed his eyes shut, turning away from Andy. Finally he nodded, biting his lip. One word – "Yeah," emerged, a strangled whisper.

Andy kept his head down, tears dripping into his whiskey. "Robert. I - I was sitting on the staircase in Hawthorne's. Listening to Dad talk to Diane about – our only saving grace. If someone dropped a bomb on the place, we'd get insurance money and then we'd be sorted. Mum would return to us, to the family. And things would go back to the way it was. So I waited, until you were asleep - "

"Andy - !"

"Please Rob!" Andy begged, "I have to do it now or I never will! And you said it – clense the wound and all that…"

Robert hesitated – then he nodded slowly. "Okay. So I was asleep. Then what? You snuck out?"

"Yeah I snuck out. Put gloves on." Andy took a deep breath, his heart racing. "Then I crept into the barn – but I swear I didn't know anyone was in there. Mum and Richie were together and… I think they thought it was Dad."

"Don't know if that makes it better or worse." Robert said, in a daze.

"Well Richie accused Dad didn't he?" Andy responded, ashamed. "Sent him to prison and everything. When I was the one who poured that petrol. Struck that match. Watched the place burn."

"No." Robert's firm voice, pulled Andy away from his memory. Robert now looked directly at him, his eyes hard. "We both stood. Together. Holding onto each other for support. As we watched our mother burn."

Andy struggled not to let the tears fall. He had no right to. "When I found out Mum was inside I knew – I knew there was no going back."

Robert pressed his palm against his eyes, trying to block his own tears from spilling. Andy finally tipped his whiskey back, savouring the stinging taste upon his tongue.

Robert suddenly lept out of his seat, raking his hands through his hair. "Andy do you want to know the real reason why I'm so – so – so messed up about the whole thing?" He fired out, breathing heavily.

Andy shook his head, eyeing the whiskey bottle swinging from his brother's fingertips. He wondered briefly if it would end up in his face by the end of this conversation.

"I'd just found out that the mother I loved more than anything – was killed by the brother I loved more than anything!" Robert choked, his fingers curling into his palm. "And that day I found out, when you told me what you did and Dad covering for you – remember, I ran away and - he tracked me down. I was fifteen, I was a mess and I was standing on the edge of a cliff, thinking of throwing myself off. Dad crept up behind me and… instead of helping me understand it. He was more concerned in covering your back! He only cared about shutting me up! He threatened Richie Carter into staying quiet! You know, I don't think he ever cried over Mum. Maybe for himself or for you - but not Mum. And if he did, I never saw it. I… the Dad I grew up with was… slipping away from me and I didn't recognise him anymore. Or you. I was the one left behind. I was drowning and no one offered me help. I still am… drowning - "

Robert's knees buckled, his body folding underneath him. Andy jumped out of his seat, grabbing his brother before he hit the floor.

"It's okay Rob. I got you! Come on let's get you over here…" He dragged Robert back to the sofa, dropping him down and lifting his legs so he lay across it. Andy took off his jacket, draping it across his brother's torso.

Robert blinked up at him, his body trembling slightly. "Look at you. Taking care of me now."

Andy smiled down at him, "Don't get used to it. Just get some sleep if you can."

Robert sighed, "I haven't slept in weeks Andy. Not properly."

"Well I'm not gonna go anywhere. So you don't have to keep an eye out all the time. Just close your eyes Rob." Andy ordered softly.

Robert snuggled underneath Andy's jacket, his eyes fluttering. Andy's heart clenched at the sight. He didn't realise just how broken, how vulnerable his brother looked.

Sighing to himself, Andy tossed another log onto the fire, stoking it gently. "Logs are running out." He said, over his shoulder. "I'll chop some tomorrow."

"Andy…" Robert's hoarse voice drifted toward him.

Andy spun back, "What's up?"

Robert was scruitnizing him properly now, with the same guarded expression he'd adopted since the fire, all those years ago. "Andy, why did you really come back to help me? Why did you risk getting caught? Just for me?"

"You don't think you're worth helping?" Andy asked, frowning.

Robert stared up at him, his tired eyes tinged with irritation. "Just answer the question you idiot."

Andy rolled his eyes, "Why did you help me escape last year?"

Robert huffed, "You can't ask a question with another question! That's the kind of thing I'd do!"

Andy chortled, "Yeah well! I learn from the best don't I? But…seriously Rob, why did you help me escape and risk getting caught yourself. Was it because of Aaron? Because he - "

"No." A familiar smirk actually played about Robert's lips. "Aaron wanted you shopped in. Said it would've been easier if you dealt with it from behind bars… but I couldn't let you go to prison Andy. Even if you had shot Lawrence and stabbed Chrissie, even if Aaron had threatened to leave me if I helped you, if – if I could do it again I would!"

"Why though?" Andy pressed, lowering himself down so they were eye to eye. "After everything that's happened between us, why?"

Robert just crooked his lips in a smile. "Because one day… when we're two grumpy gits, moping about the place… we're the only ones that'll remember Mum and Dad. And Gran. And Kathy, Seth, Betty, Edna, the Glovers, the Tates, the Windsors, the Reynolds, Butch and Mandy Dingle, Emily… even Rachel, Richie Carter, Miss Strickland, Katie and Max King. Everyone we grew up with. Not all memories are bad Andy. We have memories, good and bad, that no one can touch. Memories only we can enjoy, me and you, Andy and Robert Sugden."

"The Sugden Boys!"

"Sounds like a circus act!" They both chimed unison, laughing.

"You see." Robert continued, "That's why we're stuck with each other. We know too much."

Andy wiped away a tear, slipping down his cheek. "You should er… you should sleep now. I'll see you in the morning brother."

Robert smiled, his eyes closing, "See you in the morning brother."

Andy waited until Robert's breathing grew heavy. He carefully prised the whiskey bottle out of his brother's slack hand. Rushing into the kitchen, he dug out his burner phone, dialling a familiar number.

"It's Andy," He said urgently into the receiver, whilst emptying the whiskey down the sink. "Yeah, I'm here now. Yes – I'm fine! Look, it's Robert. He's not coping well and I don't know if I'll be enough to get through to him." He glanced at the sofa, where Robert was dozing fretfully. "You're the one he really needs. Please come over."

* * *

_to be continued..._


	11. An Unexpected Guest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again for the reviews! You guys are the best!

Robert stirred, his head lolling to the side. Blinking awake, it took a few seconds for the room to spin back into motion.

"Andy!" He slurred, his head thumping. He tried to shuffle upright, "You still here?"

"Sore head eh?" Andy chuckled, emerging from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a tea towel. "I'm calling time on the whiskey."

The rich smell of bacon wafting in the air, drew Robert's attention… and turned his stomach. "You cooking something in there?" He asked, his voice tight.

"Why don't you come in here and see!" Andy hollered back.

Groaning, Robert dragged himself off the couch and limped into the kitchen. Andy had his back to him, buttering a slice of toast. Three rashes of bacon, sizzled in a pan on the stove. Two candles sat flickering on the table.

"You really need to take these boards off the windows." Andy scolded, "I can barely see a thing."

"One step at a time yeah!" Robert countered, dropping into a seat. He lifted his laptop off the table and laid it carefully on the seat next to him. He looked at Andy busying himself around the kitchen. "Hey, where'd you get the food?" He asked in disbelief, "Did you go shopping in broad daylight, while I was out cold?"

"Don't be daft! I found some bacon and eggs in the fridge. Sell by date's tomorrow so I thought we could use it now." Andy slid the food onto a plate and placed it in front of Robert.

Robert stared down at the pink bacon slices, curling at the edge of his plate and the yellow egg yolk bleeding onto the toast. Andy leaned against the countertop, stirring a cup of rich, black coffee.

Acid rose in Robert's throat, he clenched his hand into a fist, blocking his mouth. "Listen mate, I er – I'm not feeling – hungry. " He mumbled, "Maybe later yeah."

Andy glanced up at him, adding a dribble of milk into his coffee, "Just eat the toast then. Come on, it's no point looking at me like that Rob! You need to soak up some of that alcohol you've been chugging!"

Robert rolled his eyes, fishing a triangle of toast from underneath the pool of egg yolk.

Andy pierced his fork into Robert's bacon, "I'll have this then yeah?"

"With my blessing." Robert muttered, still glaring at his toast.

Andy settled himself down on the opposite side of the table, waving his fork at Robert, "Go on. Eat. I'm not letting you leave this table till you eat."

Robert sighed in disgust, "God, you sound like Dad!"

Taking a deep breath, Robert bit into the toast, chewing slowly. It tasted like cardboard. He chewed for about three minutes, trying to turn it to mush. Some of it trickled down his throat before he was ready to swallow.

He gagged suddenly, clapping a hand over his mouth.

Andy stopped, staring across the table at him, his fork halfway to his mouth. "Rob? You okay?" He asked, his voice laced with caution.

Robert shot up, running to the sink, he spat the mushed bread back out.

Andy quickly appeared behind him. He ran the tap, squeezing Robert's shoulder. "It's okay," He soothed, "It's okay - "

"It's not though is it!" Robert snapped, wiping his mouth. He leaned against the counter, his heart racing. "Andy… I'm sorry I just… I don't know what's happening…"

Andy took a deep breath, trying to mask the sheer worry swimming in his eyes. "Right – let's go for a walk!" He said, injecting some false cheeriness into his voice, "We can just walk to the end of the driveway and back."

Robert swallowed, "I – I don't want to see - "

"No one's outside." Andy said firmly, "And I'll be here with you. It's actually nice today, not that you'd know it, being a vampire an' all that - "

"Shut up! I've left the house!"

Andy narrowed his eyes, "Picking up all the stuff Diane and Vic leave for you – isn't leaving the house! Look, come out just for a bit and remind yourself what real Yorkshire air feels like."

Robert glanced at the door, securely bolted, protecting him from any threat. "Andy I… I don't know…"

"No one's gonna be there, it's just us." Andy said gently, nudging his shoulder, "Sugden Boys."

Robert rolled his eyes, "Forgot you could be this corny!"

"Yeah well, what can I say? We bring out the best and worst in each other. So trust me when I say that some fresh air will do ya good!"

Robert sighed, "Fine! If I come out for five minutes, will it shut you up?"

Andy held up his hands, "Five minutes is enough."

"Lemme grab my jacket…" Robert bustled into the living area, emerging a few seconds later, shrugging into his old denim jacket. "Right. Let's go. What's up?"

Andy stared at him. "Er – nothing it's just… that jacket…?"

Robert caressed the sleeves, smiling, "Yeah. Found it in a bag of my old clothes. I couldn't chuck it."

Andy returned the smile, softly, "Yeah, it fits you better now. You look…"

"Childish." Robert finished, pulling a face, "It's okay, you can say it. I'm wearing the same jacket I wore when I was sixteen, you can't get anymore childish and pathetic than - "

"It suits ya." Andy said firmly. "I wouldn't lie. Not to you. I prefer it – it's like – my brother, the one I remember - "

"It's just a jacket Andy." Robert interrupted, slightly embarrassed.

Andy took a step toward him, shaking his head. "It's not just a jacket. But - you already know that." He smiled thinly, giving his brother a light thump on his arm, trying to ignore how fragile his limb felt.

Robert wobbled at the sudden whack, steadying himself quickly. "Come on, let's go."

* * *

"Coffee please Bob." Aaron muttered blandly, his fingers drawing circles on the countertop.

"Sure thing." Bob grabbed a cup and shoved it under the machine. The door swung open. Victoria and Diane shuffled into the coffee shop. Aaron groaned inwardly, turning back to Bob.

Bob smiled, talking loudly over the hiss of the coffee maker, "So - how's things going with Robert? Has he come out of that house yet?"

Aaron squirmed, "Er, no." He said quietly, trying to ignore the painful memory of that door slamming in his face. "I - I don't know what's going on in there. No one does."

Well, one person does, Aaron thought bitterly to himself.

"Ah he just needs some space." Bob continued, totally oblivious to Aaron's hard stare. "After everything he's been through, I don't blame him."

"When you're all done gossiping about my brother, could we have two cappuccinos to take away please Bob!" Victoria called out, over Aaron's shoulder.

Aaron rolled his eyes, turning toward her. "Oi Vic – no one's gossiping about Robert. Obviously you know how this looks to everyone yeah?"

"I don't give a stuff what people think!" She huffed, folding her arms.

Aaron looked at Diane, concern spreading across his face. "How is he? Have you heard… anything?"

Diane glanced around the café, lowering her voice a little, she replied, "We went over there this morning – our mutual friend did all the talking and reassures us that he's okay."

"With Robert stood there next to him, what else can he say?" Aaron snapped.

Diane raised her brow, "There's no point having a go at me pet! We have to take An – his word for it. He's the only one of us who's made it past the threshold!"

Aaron sighed, rubbing a hand over his unshaven face. "Right, well… I hope he has better luck than the rest of us."

"We're popping back later, before teatime." Diane said, glancing at Brenda who was pretending to wipe invisible crumbs off a nearby table. She whispered, "Why don't you come with us?"

Aaron shook his head stiffly. "Nah. I think I'm done."

Victoria narrowed her eyes at him, "You're givin' up on him?"

"Vic, Robert's made it obvious that he doesn't want me around!" Aaron responded, keeping the irriation to a minimum. "What's the point in going back again and again, he's not gonna open that door!"

"He doesn't want me around either." Victoria said quietly. "But – I'm still not done with him!"

"Well good for you." Aaron muttered, struggling not to roll his eyes, "But we're different. He's your brother, you won't give up on him and that's good. I don't want you to. But me and him… well, we're not together anymore."

He dropped a few coins onto the counter, grabbed his coffee and pushed past the pair of them.

Once he was outside, he allowed himself to breathe, pinching the bridge of his nose. If he was brutally honest, he felt a modicum of relief at Andy being with Robert and that he wasn't alone anymore.

Nevertheless, there was a sting in his heart, when Robert slammed the door in his face. It all happened so quickly, Aaron didn't even have a chance to see him.

But he had opened the door. The one thing Aaron had wanted him to do. Begged him to do. He'd waited outside that house all night for the past week! He'd screamed, kicked and battered the door, just to get Robert's attention.

Andy knocks once and is allowed entry?

Aaron sucked in a breath, his heart hammering angrily. How was that fair? He knew that Robert and Andy had a long and complicated relationship, but he seriously underestimated just how deep their bond ran. And the more he dwelled on it, the more he realised how complex the two brothers were. Andy shared a history with Robert, running all the way back to childhood. They created memories together, good and bad. Memories that Aaron couldn't touch. Without hesitation, Robert would always, just casually drop Andy's name in any childhood story he was telling.

_'Me and Andy did this,' 'Andy and I once did that' 'One time Dad took Andy and me,' 'When we were sixteen, Andy and I…'_

Robert even admitted once, that Andy was the best friend he'd ever had.

Aaron was always civil to Andy, tolerated him even, for the sake of his friendship with Victoria and Diane. But he never struck Aaron as particularly interesting. Until Robert rocked up.

Then a completely different side to Andy was dragged out. A side that he only seemed to share with Robert….

"Hiya love!" Chas chirped, cutting into his musings. She trudged toward him with Paddy trailing close behind, "We were just gonna get some cake! Fancy joining us?"

"Er, no ta, you're all right." Aaron shook his cup at them, "I'll stick with this."

"Suit yourself," Chas muttered. "So… any luck on the Robert situation?"

Aaron groaned, pushing past them, "Why does everyone have to keep going on about it?"

"All right!" Chas responded, sharply, "I was only asking a question! You don't have to bite my head off!"

"Yeah well maybe you lot should all mind your own business!" Aaron snapped. "Everyone sticking their noses in, is exactly what got us into this mess in the first place!"

"Mate, is everything all right?" Paddy asked in concern.

"Yeah Paddy everything's great!" Aaron replied, his tone smothered in sarcasm.

"Look – the thing about Robert Sugden, is that he's always been - "

"Save it." Aaron glared him, "I know you don't like him, so it's no point even talking right now!"

"Right, if you'll just shut up and listen!" Paddy demanded, his voice threatening, "Then we might actually get to the bottom of this!"

A movement in the corner of their eyes caught their attention. They all turned, to see Pearl hovering nearby.

"Can we help you?" Chas asked sweetly.

"Oh no!" Pearl replied, flustered, "I – I was just wondering if Robert - "

"Really not a good topic of conversation right now Pearl." Chas interrupted, giving her a tight smile.

Pearl pursed her lips and bustled off into the shop.

Aaron gestured after her. "See what I mean. Interfering cows, the lot of em!"

"Look just calm down and talk about it." Paddy said gently, "Otherwise you're gonna stroke out. The thing I was gonna say, before you ripped my head off, is that Robert Sugden has always dealt with things alone. A lot like someone else I know! The pair of you both just like to – suffer in silence than let anyone in! In Robert's case, literally!"

"He's let someone in." The bitter words spilled out of Aaron's mouth before he could stop them.

Chas frowned, "Who? I was talking to Diane earlier, she never mentioned anything."

Aaron backtracked away from them, shaking his head, "Doesn't matter, forget it. What do I know anyway? I'm just the ex."

Chas watched him trudge down the path, his head hung low. She sighed, turning to Paddy, "Do you think if we go over there and yell at Robert to open the door, he'll listen to us?"

"Hmm, let me think about that? No!" Paddy steered her away, "We're probably the last person Robert Sugden wants to see right now!"

"So what do we do?" Chas whined, "Aaron pretends he's okay but clearly he's not!"

"Chas, we just have to let them sort it out. But - still be there for Aaron, if – if and when he needs us."

* * *

Robert leaned against the stone wall, guarding the farmhouse – or rather, his farmhouse. He closed his eyes, savouring the cool air on his skin.

Andy trudged toward him, holding two steaming mugs. "Here y'are. Brew."

"Cheers." Robert graciously accepted the cup, taking a small sip. Tea and water was the only substance he could drink right now.

"Missed being back here." Andy sighed, "Didn't realise how much. And when I leave again, I want to remember this mome- "

"Leave?" Robert echoed sharply, "What do you mean? You just got here!"

"Rob. I'm on the run." Andy said, pronouncing each word as if talking to a small child.

Robert growled in irritaion, "I know Andy, I haven't completely lost it yet. But your name's been cleared! That little twirp Lachlan confessed to the shooting! You're free to come home."

"I still ran from the police though." Andy responded quietly, "Somehow I don't think they'll let that one drop."

"They let Aaron off." Robert said automatically. He stared off into the distance, sighing heavily.

Andy clasped his shoulder, "Hey come on. None of that yeah. We're supposed to be focusing on you now."

Robert raked a hand through his hair. "Yeah I - I know. And that's what buying this place was all about."

"How?"

"Well… Aaron's moved on, he's seeing other people." Robert squashed a slug under his shoe, wiping it on the grass. "He pretends it's nothing but I'm not stupid. I saw the way he looked at…" He cleared his throat, "So am I not allowed to take charge of my life again? Or are people expecting me to just… crash at Vic's forever with no purpose?"

"You think you don't have a purpose?" Andy asked softly.

Robert glanced at him. "I know you mean – the kid. But I just – I can't think about that right now. If I decide to press charges against Rebecca, that could mean I have the kid full time. Forever."

"It's scary being a Dad." Andy nodded, slightly ashamed. "I remember when we had Sarah. I didn't want anything to do with her and neither did Debs."

"You were young." Robert said soothingly, "It's different with me Andy. I'm gonna screw up this kid's life, without even trying."

"So your plan is to lock yourself up and hide away from the world is it?" Andy asked, his tone hard.

"It's better this way." Robert mumbled, taking a long gulp of tea, "The world doesn't need me."

"Oh this is you all over innit?" Andy huffed, his heart fluttering in panic, "Always with the self pity!"

"Don't start lecturing me!" Robert snapped, glaring at him, "My life's falling to pieces here!"

Andy stamped foot down, his hand wide open, "Welcome to my world brother!"

They glowered at each other for a few seconds. Then they burst out laughing.

Still chuckling, Robert took another sip, "Listen – I was thinking… maybe we should go into…" He caught Andy sneaking another glance at his watch.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I keeping you?" Robert asked, in frustration.

Andy guilitily shook his head, "Nah. I just… was checking the time that's all. Er, so – you and me should go into what?"

Robert licked his lips, casting his gaze over his beautiful land. "Andy… I want us to go into business together."

Andy's jaw dropped.

"Just hear me out!" Robert continued quickly, "Do you remember when we were kids? And we were about to lose the farm and then we started joking around that – we should turn the farm into a dairy one and start up an ice-cream business?"

Andy jolted out of his shock, stuttering, "I – I remember yeah. We were gonna call it Sugden Boys Ice-Cream! And it was gonna be this - brand new, cool, ice-cream, sold everywhere in the shops!"

"We were gonna become the next Ben and Jerrys!" Robert added, with a smirk.

"Or Haagen-Daaz!" Andy laughed.

"We were gonna… rule the world…" The smile melted off Robert's face. "We were so sure we could do it."

"We were just kids Rob." Andy said sadly, "No one would've taken us seriously back then."

"Speak for yourself! I used to doodle logos on my notebooks and everything!" Robert grumbled, "Don't know why we stopped…"

Andy stared at the floor. "Mum." He replied, in a low voice.

Robert nodded slowly, "We weren't ready back then. But we are now. I'm gonna – get the land surveyed, sort out this substance problem. Then we'll turn this place into a proper dairy farm. Sugden Boys Ice-Cream is no longer a dream, stuck inside the heads of two twelve year old boys! It'll be real."

Robert could see the emotions battling on Andy's face. "I – I don't know Rob…" He mumbled, "I mean… me and you in business together? We'll kill each other! Literally! I give it a month before you stab me with a pen or I mow you down with a tractor! "

"It'll be a great team." Robert said, with reassurance, "Do you know why?"

"Because we're both lonely and desperate." Andy said glumly.

Robert rolled his eyes, "No you idiot, but thanks for bringing that up again!" He said sourly. "We'll be a great team because we'll be working together rather than against each other. And with your experience in farming – hands on – you know, er, all that argicultural stuff. And my excellent business expertise, we'd absolutely kill it!" He clapped his brother's shoulder, "And then we can show them all Andy. Everyone who ever doubted us. Who looked at us with pity. We'll bring the Sugden's back to the top!"

Andy was wavering now, Robert could see it. "But – but Robert, what about me? I can't run a business from a prison cell! And you really think people will want to deal with us when they find out the company is part owned by a fugitive!"

Robert pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance, "Andy how many more times do we have to go over this? You. Are. Innocent!"

"I still need to go hand myself in!" Andy countered. "Or do you want me to hide in here with you forever? The two of us can churn out ice-cream on the sly, like some second rate oompa loompas!"

"All right!" Robert leaned back against the wall, "Hang on… let me think… you can turn yourself into the police. They might release you on a suspended sentence, for time served, which you did."  
Andy narrowed his eyes, cynically at him, "Rob, I served about a week."

"Oh, so you'd rather sod off back to a life on the run then?" Robert rebuked, tossing his cold dregs of tea into the grass. "Or…" He took a step towards Andy, "You take the risk. Turn yourself in and see what happens. Even if you do end up doing time… you'll have all this waiting for you when you get out. Your family, a roof over your head… and a new business to get back to. We need this. Both of us. So what do you say? Will you do it?"

Andy faltered, his eyes spinning with indecision. "I… Rob you need to get well first. You're in no fit state swallow food, let alone run a business!"

Robert collapsed against the wall. "Look – I know. Okay? I know." He scuffed at a speck of mud on his shoe. "The thing is… I thought I could make it right with Aaron. I genuinely thought I could fix it. But then he came back from Dublin and – I could see it in his eyes… he doesn't love me. Not anymore. He's getting back out there, going on dates, moving on with his life. He's much happier without me than he ever was with me and – and good for him."

Robert took a shaking breath, his lip trembling, "But – I'm still unable to erm – to cope. Which is why I need this farm and this ice-cream business Andy! I'll put my everything into it and I'll make it work. Because if I don't have anything to focus on, I'm telling you now, I'm gonna lose my - "

"Rob you do have a focus! You have to focus on getting yourself better!" Andy interrupted, his tone firm. "You just said it yourself, you can't cope."

Robert hung his head low in defeat, disappointment flooding through his body.

"But…" Andy started, tentatively, "Once you're back on your feet again. I don't see why we can't give Sugden Boys another go."

Robert's head snapped up, his heart thumping in excitement. "Andy – you – you mean it? We're actually gonna do this?" He choked, a smile spreading across his face.

Andy nodded, a nervous grin leaking across his own face. "The twelve year old voice in my head won't shut up about it! Look, I'm gonna… turn myself in tomorrow morning. Then we'll see what happens yeah."

"You won't regret it." Robert said, his voice hoarse with resolution. "Andy, I promise I'll make this work!"

"First let's get you back to… normal yeah." Andy responded, his tone laced with caution. "Starting with food. You think you can manage a sandwich or something?"

Robert's smile faltered. "Erm… not sure."

Andy silently herded Robert back inside the house, glancing one more time at his watch. "Come on." He muttered, "Where are ya?"

* * *

Aaron lay sprawled out on the sofa, staring blankly at the TV. The sound droned on and on in his ears. His eye twitched.

"You okay?" Liv asked, sidling up to him.

Aaron glanced at her, nodding. "Fine." He mumbled, "Just – just tired."

Liv sighed, "Please don't lie to me. Not again!"

Aaron let his head fall back against the soft leather. "What do you want me to say Liv?" He shot out, "That I'm angry? Upset? Pissed off?"

"Yeah!" Liv replied, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at him, "At least then we'd actually get somewhere!"

Aaron let out a small hiss of irritation, "You haven't got a clue."

"So then tell me! I'm sick of seeing you mope around the place!" Liv groaned, "Or go talk to your counsellor, isn't that what she's there for?"

"I already have." Aaron responded, his voice quiet. "I saw her today."

Liv frowned, "You did? Why didn't you say anything."

Aaron shrugged, "I'm all talked out. That's probably why."

Liv shuffled closer to him, perching on the end of the couch. "Did you er – did you talk about Robert?"

Aaron's eyes fluttered, his stomach clenching once again at the sound of that man's name. "Yeah." He whispered, "I don't really talk about anything else."

"It's okay if you're upset that he didn't let you into the house." Liv said softly, "But he probably just – wasn't ready yet."

"He was ready to let Andy in wasn't he?" Aaron responded, his voice ripe with bitterness. "He didn't even have to think twice! He just opened the door and let him walk right in!"  
"But that's a good thing!" Liv said, her eyes wide.

Aaron turned to her, his face scrunched up in confusion, "How'd you mean?"

"He's letting someone in." She explained gently, "And that's a start. Even if it's not you… at least he's got someone with him."

Aaron sniffed, "Yeah. That's kind of what my counsellor says. She reckons Robert has some form of – I can't remember how it's pronounced, but she said it's like a thing. Where you can't come out of the house, or you're scared to."

"Agorophobia." Liv said simply.

Aaron stared at her, "You what? How did you - ?"

"Oh please," She waved her hand dismissively, "I'm not as thick as you. So, your counsellor reckons that Rob's agorophobic. Did you talk about why?"

Aaron squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Yeah. She reckons that he's got years of repressed stuff inside him and now it's all finally just…"

"Snapped."

Aaron nodded sadly, "Yeah. And I'm angry because… I used to be the one he could always talk to and now…"

"Andy's got there first." Liv finished.

"Yeah. Does that sound selfish?" Aaron asked, biting his lip.

"That you want to be Robert's shoulder? No." Liv hesitated, unsure if she should continue. "But - after months of giving him your cold one… don't you think it's natural that he's turning to other people?"

Shame and guilt, pinched Aaron's stomach. His eyes swelled with tears, "Liv, I didn't mean to push him away. It's just – Robert's always been the strong one. He could handle anything that got chucked at him and he always came out the other side, fighting. Now he's behaving all – weird and – I – I don't know how to handle him like this! I thought it would get better but… what if it gets worse, what if Andy can't help him?"

Liv couldn't say anything. An uncomfortable silence settled over the pair of them as they stared at the TV, both prisoners of their own thoughts.

* * *

"You promise you won't laugh?" Robert warned, slowly lifting his laptop lid up.

Andy scooted his chair in, closer to the table, "Depends what I'm looking at."

Robert opened his manuscript file, turning the computer so Andy could see it.

Andy scrolled down the pages, his frown morphing into bewilderment. "Wow, Rob," he muttered, "Didn't know you could write so well!"

Robert chuckled, "Neither did I."

"Glad to see your ego hasn't completely disappeared eh!" Andy countered, smirking.

There was a steady knock on the front door. Robert turned to Andy, his eyes narrowing. "You expecting anyone?"

Andy's face was pinched in panic, "Look – don't get mad - "

_"Robert Jacob Sugden, you open this door right now!"_

Robert's jaw dropped. He glared at his brother, "You didn't?" He shot up from his seat, running to the door.

"I had to!" Andy yelled from behind.

Robert pulled open the door and gasped, "Gran?"

Annie Sugden stood on the front stoop, two large bags by her side. She gave her grandson a warm smirk. "Are you going to stand there gawping? Or are you going to move aside and let me put the kettle on?"

* * *

_to be continued..._


	12. My Darling Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, thanks again for the reviews, you guys keep me going!

Robert wrapped his arms around his grandmother, pulling her into a tight embrace, tears prickling his eyes. He breathed in her sweet, flowery scent, a hundred childhood memories rushing back.

Annie patted her grandson's back in reassurance. "I know lad, I know."

They pulled apart, Robert peered over her shoulder at the blinding white lights of a car, parked in his driveway.

"How'd you get here?" He asked, "Gran – did you drive?"

"Did I heck!" Annie wheeled her suitcases over the threshold, thrusting her handbag into Andy's chest, "Andy, be a dear and give the cabbie a fiver for his trouble. He moaned and groaned all the way up here! Said this place wasn't even on his sat nav!"

"Sure thing." Andy raised his brows at Robert, ducking out the door.

Annie stalked into the house, her cane, tapping loudly upon the floorboards. Her eyes were glazed with an odd sort of emotion that Robert didn't recognise. She paced around the kitchen, running her finger along the table fondly.

"Thought you might've chucked this old thing out." She said softly.

"I haven't had time to clean out the place." Robert replied, a smirk playing on his lips. "Well – I have had time I just – didn't want to get rid of all this stuff."

"You should." Annie said firmly, removing her coat and hat. "It's not good clinging to old tat."

"But… it's memories." Robert said with a frown, manuvering around the table to help her, "It's our memories Gran!"

"It's just bits of furniture lad." Annie chuckled, pinching his cheek, "People make the memories, not - not things."

"Not true." Robert shook his head, smiling, "This table has seen how many dinners? Tea? Conversations? Arguments? This whole kitchen – this house – it's seen a lot and I think we should honour that!"

Annie sighed, eyeing him warily, "You've never been a sentimental one. Why the sudden change eh? Moving back into this old place, wearing your old jacket, what's happening with you lad?"

Robert shrugged, dropping into a chair. "I just er…. I've been thinking a lot about my life here. And how better it was, before it all went horribly wrong. We were happy here, I was happy here." He ruffled his hair nervously, his voice trembling, "I've made some mistakes Gran. I've done some terrible things, I've hurt a lot of people over the years and now it's suddenly all come back to bite me in the backside. I don't know what to do."

"And you think you can find all the answers at the end of a bottle?" Annie chided, eyeing the empty whiskey bottles lined up by the sink. "You've clearly inherited that from your grandfather." She watched him carefully, adding, "It's what got him in the end."

Robert squirmed, unable to respond. The front door banged shut. Andy shuffled into the kitchen, blowing into his hands, "It's freezing out there! Didn't miss this awful weather, I tell ya!"

"I'm just popping the kettle on." Annie announced emphatically, holding the kettle under the faucet. "Want a brew?"

"No, you're all right." Andy replied, glancing from Robert to Annie. "I'll er – I'll just be upstairs if you need me. Gran, I'll put your stuff in your old room?"

"Perfect. If you could just - "

"Gran, you – you can't stay here!" Robert interjected sharply, "The rooms aren't ready and the central heating isn't on - "

"Well I'm not leaving you alone." Annie responded, raising her brows. "So unless you want me to pitch a tent in the back?"

Robert released a tired sigh. "Fine. Seeing as you won't budge. You can take my room, it's the only one that's ready – it's the main bedroom. I'll take the couch or one of the boxrooms and Andy – you can take the other one."

Andy raised his brow, "I've slept in worse."

"I'm sure." Robert muttered.

Andy hauled Annie's suitcases up the narrow staircases, yelling, "Blimey, what'd you pack in here Gran? Your entire villa?"

Annie rolled her eyes, hollering back, "Don't drop anything!"

"So what'd he say?" Robert asked, jerking his head up, "Andy. He must've really hyped stuff up, to drag you away from the sun, sea and sangrias. "

"He said you were in a bad way." Annie responded simply, rattling the kettle and placing it gently on the stove. She turned back to her grandson, leaning against the countertop. She drummed her fingers on the surface, her eyes soaking in the room. "It feels strange to be back here."

"Feels strange having you here." Robert said with a small smile. "But I'm glad. I'm glad Andy asked you over."

"How come you didn't?" Annie asked. Her tone wasn't angry but it held a disappointed edge. "I thought we agreed after you got shot - no more secrets."

"Gran I..." Robert wrapped his arms around himself in comfort. "I just needed to be alone."

"No, you need your family!" Annie countered, her eyes narrowing. "I know you're a proud one. But seriously Robert - "

"Seriously what?" Robert parroted, his anger rising, "I just - had a slip up. Okay? It happens!"

"No. Not okay. Because Andy also said you weren't eating!" Annie eyed him suspiciously, "And I can see for myself – he's right! Look at you! You're skin and bone!"

"Oh don't exaggerate!" Robert snapped, "I've just…"

"What? Gone on a crash diet?"

"No!" Robert surreptitiously pulled his jacket sleeves over his wrists, trying to hide the blue veins pushing through his skin. "I – I can't chew or swallow properly."

"Can I make you a sandwich or something?"

"I'm not hungry - "

The shrill whistle of the kettle, interrupted his plithy excuse. Annie lifted the kettle with some diffculty, trying to tip the water into two cups.

Robert rose up from his seat but she waved him back down, "Sit down." She ordered, without glancing in his direction. "I'm in better shape than you are right now."

He couldn't argue with her there. He watched her potter around the kitchen as if she'd never left. Occasionally, there would be a few loud creaks from upstairs, as Andy muddled about. Only a few days ago, Robert had been shut up in the house, completely alone. Now, he had two members of his family under his roof. Slowly, the house was starting to feel like a home again.

"Right." Annie hobbled back to the table, placing two steaming mugs of tea in front of them. She lowered herself into the seat next to Robert. "Now. Do you want to start from the beginning?"

Robert shook his head, a lump rising in his throat, "I'd rather not." He said gruffly. He snaked his hands around the warm mug. "It's painful to talk about, it's painful to think about and I – I just can't go over it all again Gran."

Annie stared into her own cup, before saying softly, "Robert. I've lived in this house most of my life. And what a life it's been. I've buried three husbands, all three of my children, two grandchildren… and a fair few dogs. Some people might wonder how I'm still standing, after being dealt out all that grief. What can I say? I keep going. For you, Andy and Victoria. You know, it's not easy being the strong one. Is it? Everyone's always looking to us, leaning on us, as if we have all the answers."

_'Who's ever there for me?'_

Annie's wrinkled hand crept upon Robert's arm. "But we're allowed to cry. We're allowed to break. And Robert, I'm not a counsellor or doctor seated on a couch, clocking the minutes. I'm your grandmother. I was there when you came screaming into this world, in that room upstairs. I was the first one to hold you in my arms, even before your mother and father. I also held you at your mother's funeral, a tiny baby, too young to know anything. I opened my door, when you fled the village, too disgraced to return. Whatever it is you've done, I'll never judge. Because you're mine. You hear me lad? Since you were four months old, you were mine. And I love you."

Robert couldn't look at her. He was afraid to lift up his head and see those eyes. Eyes that always treated him with kindness, whenever he'd screwed up royally. Then he'd think about what he'd do, once those eyes could no longer look at him like that.

Tears leaked from his eyes, he sniffed, taking a deep breath, he recounted his entire story – from meeting Aaron right through to Rebecca's confession. That he'd been drunk and unable to function, so she took what she wanted and then left.

Annie never said a word. She just let him talk and talk until tears blocked his throat, and he could no longer continue. Her hand was clasped around his arm the entire time, tightening slightly whenever he stumbled over his words.

Robert took a long gulp of lukewarm tea. He wiped his eyes with his sleeves, mumbling, "So. Still think I'm worth saving now Gran? Eh?"

"I'm still sat here aren't I?" She replied, a small smile tugging at her lips, "Now, this husband of yours - "

"Aaron." Robert said curtly. "And – he's not my husband."

"Oh forgive me my dear, I thought that Victoria had said you two had - "

"Yeah, we had a ceremony and said – vows and stuff but nothing was official." Robert disputed impatiently.

"Maybe not on paper." Annie responded, her voice even, "But in here…" She tapped her chest, "It meant everything to you. Why else would you go through all the rigmoral of a wedding, if you didn't want it to be real?"

"Of course it was real!" Robert snapped, his head starting to throb. "I never said it wasn't real! I just meant – legally, he's not - oh forget it! Look I'm tired and it's late, can we do this tomorrow!" He grabbed his cup, shooting up from his seat.

"Sit down." Annie said quietly. "We're not done here."

Robert automatically dropped back into his seat.

"Now, I suggest you go and talk to Aaron." Annie said firmly, "Explain to him, how you're feeling."

"No Gran." Robert said, shaking his head, "I don't think seeing him will help, in fact, it might make things worse. For both of us!"

"Why?" Annie asked, confused.

Robert hesitated – then sighed, "He left me so he could focus on his mental health. Being with me was so bad, he'd rather…" He bit his lip, stemming the angry tears, "Just trust me when I say – he's better off!"

"You still have your ring." Annie noted, taking a casual sip of tea.

Robert stared at his left hand. Sure enough, there it sat, snugly at the bottom of his finger. How could he have missed it?

He remembered the last time he took it off, and the grief it caused…

_'Robert you don't have to do that.'_

_'I can't make you happy mate. I mean, literally. I can't do it.'_

How prophetic those words were.

Robert wrestled the ring off his finger. It put up quite a battle, as if it were fighting to stay on. Eventually he prised it off. "This? This means nothing to me anymore," He said, his voice deadpan.

"Who are you trying to kid?" Annie asked, her tone laced with sympathy.

"No one Gran." Robert dropped the ring into his jacket pocket. "See. It's just a piece of metal. That's all it is."

_'I didn't buy it cos I wanted a bit of bling. It was supposed to show my commitment to you Aaron.'_

Annie's eyes clouded briefly in disappointment. "Love - do you remember the letter I wrote to you after your wedding to Aaron?"

Robert nodded stiffly. "You wished us well. You also said Dad and Grandpa would be proud of me."

"And I meant it."

Robert didn't say anything. His eyes drifted to the black box sitting on one of the seats.

Annie followed his eyeline, she let out a deep chuckle, "My goodness! You found Joshua's box! I haven't seen that thing since we left the farm! Had a good rummage?"

"Yeah." Robert glanced at his hands, flushing in mild embarrassment, "I er – I've actually been… writing all the stories. Of the family. I find it's a great distraction, it's - been giving me something to focus on."

"That's wonderful to hear. Well, I should like to read it, when it's finished." Annie said gently, practically deflating in relief. "You know, your father wrote a book. The Field Of Tares. Have you read it?"

"Erm… not yet." Robert mumbled, "But I will. Soon."

They lapsed into a long, comfortable silence. The only sound emerged from the clock, tick, tick, ticking along.

Finally Robert plucked up the courage to ask the question that had been simmering away inside him. "Gran… tell me about your brother-in-law. Edward."

Annie's eyes flickered in sadness for a split second. She pursed her lips. "Why are you asking about him?"

Robert shrugged. "You were the same age as him. Grandpa was older by what? Four years? How come you never married Edward?"

"Your grandfather was heir to this farm. I was the eldest daughter of a farmer. Naturally - we made a good match!" She replied haughtily. "Why are you asking about your Grandpa's brother?"

"Come on." Robert said, his tone even, "I know about him. I know about Simon. And it all makes sense. Why you were so – supportive of me and Aaron, when I thought you'd flip. Why you wrote me that letter on my wedding day. Telling me Grandpa and Dad would be proud. I didn't think about it before but - why did you have to include Grandpa in that?"

Annie frowned, "What do you mean? He was your grandfather, he would've been – "

"No." Robert's voice began to escalate, "He didn't know me. There was no reason for him to give a damn - "

"Stop it!" Annie scolded, her eyes wide, "Robert love, you're upset and angry and I understand - "

"No you don't." Robert bolted from his seat, taking deep breaths. "Everyone accuses me of being a liar. But did you ever wonder where I got it from eh? Being part of this family?"

"There is nothing wrong with this family!" Annie rebuked defensively, "The Sugdens are honest, hard workers! We always have been!"

Robert dumped his mug into the sink, laughing bitterly. "Honest? Give me a break! Honest like Dad screwing Rachel Hughes behind Mum's back?"

"Robert - "

"Or Andy setting fire to the barn that killed Mum, and Dad covering it up?" His quiet voice shook with rage. "Don't start lecturing me about the family and about honesty Gran. Seriously. I've read everything in that box, I know all about our family!"

"If you're talking about Edward, that was a different time!" She cried, "A different world! He would've been absolutely strung up by the ankles and horse whipped!"

"Instead he took a bullet to the chest and died a hero's death." Robert said sullenly.

"Your grandfather knew the risks." Annie said, fidgeting with her cane, "He was the one who talked Edward into sense -!"

"Sense?" Robert hissed, "I've read the letters Gran, Simon's letters! They loved each other! Just like me and Aaron!"

Annie gaped at him, "Robert – the whole family would've been ruined! Scorned and tainted by association! I was engaged to your grandfather at the time and if it ever got out that Edward was…"

"Was what?" Robert whispered, his eyes narrowing.

"Was intimate with another man." Annie pressed on carefully, "Then myself, my family and everyone who knew the Sugdens would be pariahs!"

Robert wilted slightly. "Yeah well. I know what that's like." He said, his voice small.

"Yes. You know how cruel this village can be." Annie responded, her eyes fluttering in exasperation. "I hate it too. And my father, my father-in-law, none of them would've ever approved! No way! But surprisingly, your grandfather understood."

"He did?"

Annie nodded, "The man I married wasn't the man I buried. He was different. Happier. So full of life and plans for the future. Like your father. Like your Uncle Joe. Like you." She sighed. "Him and Edward were two young farmers, just trying to get by. And Jacob loved his brother, they were very close. He wanted him to be happy. But he knew, Simon was not the right choice. I think after Edward died, it broke him. Your grandfather – my Jacob - he was never the same."

Robert stood beside the sink, arms folded across his chest. "Yeah, well… maybe it's just the curse of the Sugdens. Maybe none of us are ever meant to be happy." He murmured, grabbing the last bottle of whiskey off the counter.

"Robert you don't need that!" Annie bellowed. "Put that back."

He ignored her, pouring himself a large measure. "You don't know what I need Gran." He said through gritted teeth, downing his glass.

"I know you need your family around you." Annie responded staunchly, "Pushing us away and drinking yourself into oblivion isn't going to make your life any better!"

"Nope." Robert slurred, tipping out some more whiskey, "But it sure does help."

"Robert look at me please." Annie begged, her tone laced with worry, "I'm old, I've lived my life. I don't care what happens to me but I do care about you! I care about what you're doing to yourself!"

Robert turned to face her, his eyes flickering in compassion. "I know you love me Gran. I know you care. But I just don't think it's enough. You have to let me handle this on my own. Please."

"How? By crawling inside a bottle? By starving yourself to death?" Annie snapped, though her voice quivered.

Robert shrugged, "Whatever helps me cope." He dragged his glass off the counter and stumbled towards the living room.

"What does that mean?" Annie barked, "Robert, answer me!"

Robert didn't respond. He curled up on the couch, clutching his glass of whiskey, staring into the flames of the dancing fire, his eyes glistening.

* * *

A little after midnight, Andy crept downstairs. He leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen, watching Robert snooze fretfully on the couch, bathed under the warm, amber glow of the flickering fire. Annie hovered over him, un-peeling a blanket. "What am I going to do with you eh?" She sighed, gently covering him. She brushed a golden lock off his forehead, giving him a small kiss. "Goodnight my darling boy. Things will be better in the morning."

Annie backed away quietly, ushering Andy into the kitchen area.

"Did I exaggerate?" Andy asked, raising his brow.

Annie gave him a stern look, "I wish you'd told me sooner!"

"I'd only just got here myself!" Andy protested. He grabbed the half-full bottle of whiskey off the countertop and emptied it into the sink, watching the brown liquid trickle down the drain.

"Won't your brother have something to say about that?"

Andy shook his head, "Nah. I've been doing this secretly so he doesn't suss. He's been so out of it, he reckons he's drunk the lot and just forgot."

"He's living in a private hell." Annie sighed, "We all know what that feels like. But Robert feels that he needs to cope alone. And if we let him do that – we'd be signing his death warrant." She visibly shuddered.

Andy glared at the floor, "Right." He hissed, "So what are gonna do? I'm paddling out of my depth here!"

"We – we just need to pull him back to Earth!" Annie said, her voice hushed. She bustled around the kitchen, tidying away stray bits of cutlery, just so her hands could keep busy.

"Yeah and how are we gonna manage that eh?" Andy asked, his voice deflating. "He won't even leave the house!"

"Then we'll keep trying!" Annie pressed, keeping the desperation to a minimum. "Andy don't give up now - !"

"I'm not! Look I managed to get him out the house today, only for a bit. We just hung around the front – but it was a start."

Annie cracked a smile, "See! It's a start!"

"Gran it's not good enough, we both can't keep hiding out in this house!" Andy wrung his hands nervously, "The thing is... I do have a plan… to get Robert out of the house. But I need your help."

"Anything." Annie said, fiercely. "You tell me what needs doing lad."

"I'm gonna roll a dice and take a gamble with my freedom." Andy said quietly, swallowing his growing fear. "But if it will get Robert out of the house, then it's worth the risk."

"You're not turning yourself in?" Annie questioned, her tone laced with disbelief, "Andy, you'll be no good to your brother behind bars!"

"Gran, please." Andy muttered, tired of the constant battling. "I might get sent down. I might not. But I'm gonna make a deal with Rob before I go. If I come back a free man – he's coming out for a drink with us. All of us."

Annie's mouth fell open. "He'll never agree to that!"

Andy glanced back into the living room. Robert shifted on the couch, mumbling incoherently to himself in restless slumber. Andy sighed."He won't have a choice. We can't let him call the shots anymore Gran. Not if we want him alive."

* * *

_to be continued..._

 


	13. The Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kind reviews guys! This chapter's a bit short - but it's setting the stage up for something, which you'll find out. ;)  
> So please enjoy and tell me what you think!

Sunlight poked his eyes. Robert groaned, throwing an arm over his face, shifting his neck over the armrest.

Wait…

Sunlight?

His eyes snapped open. Streams of warm daylight gleamed through an open window. A sharp breeze swept into the room. Robert shivered, bolting upright, his head thumping. The boards had been ripped off the windows. Instead, a pair of dark red curtains hung neatly on either side.

"Ugh, Gran!" Robert yelled, shielding his eyes. "Gran!"

"Good morning sunshine." Annie chirped, bustling into the room, carrying a glass of water, "Or should I say – good afternoon?"

"I see daylight! Why is there daylight in here?" Robert grumbled, squinting at his grandmother's frame.

"Because this house has been hidden in darkness for far too long." She said, shoving his feet off the couch so she could sit down.

"Aren't you the poet." He muttered, rubbing his throbbing temples.

"Don't get smart with me lad. Not after your behaviour yesterday." She scolded. "Here y'are." She dropped two paracetemol tablets into his palm and pushed the glass of water into his hand. "Drink this – all of it!"

Robert swallowed the oval tablets, shuddering as it slid uncomfortably down his throat. He gulped the entire glass of water down, unaware of how thirsty he was.

"I hung up some old curtains, but you can always redecorate if you wish." Annie said, casting a weary glance about the place. "It is your house after all."

The last time Robert re-decorated a place, he never even got to live in it. Things were fine as they were with this house.

His house.

"Where's Andy?" He asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Annie hesitated – then sighed, "He left early this morning."

"To chop wood?"

"No. The police station. He's handing himself in."

Robert sat up, alert. "He's doing what?"

"Calm down. He wanted to tell you himself but you were so out of it, there wasn't time." Annie stood up, picking up the blanket Robert had kicked to the floor.

"Time?" Robert echoed, "He's waited this out for fifteen months and what, couldn't be bothered to wait a few more minutes?"

Annie just waved her hand dissmissively, "He didn't want to wake you!" She folded up the blanket.

Robert's heart clenched. "But – what they arrest him for absconding? I didn't get a chance to say good - "

"Oh Robert don't be so dramatic!" She chided, "He'll be going to prison not the gallows. Anyway, Victoria rang about half an hour ago, they've taken him to court for a hearing, so they haven't charged him with anything."

"So why aren't you there supporting him?"

"Because I'm supporting you." Annie replied primly, perching next to him. "Now – listen to me, this is very important. Andy asked me to make a deal with you."

Robert frowned, "What deal?"

Annie stared straight into his eyes. "If he came back on a suspended sentence – you - are to come and have a drink with the whole family. Tonight. At The Woolpack."

Robert's stomach sunk at the mere thought. His throat ran dry. "No." He croaked, "No! Sorry, not happening!"

"Right." Annie said simply, "Then I'll call Diane and Victoria over here and we'll all take you to hospital."

Robert scoffed, "Hospital? What for? I'm not ill!"

"Oh, but you are." Annie shot back, her eyes flashing dangerously. "In fact I'm close to dragging you to the A&E myself, the way you're carrying on!"

"And what if Andy gets sent down?" Robert countered, his voice escalating. "What then eh? Will you leave me in peace?"

"Andy will be gone, but I'll still be here. Have you ever known me to leave anyone in peace? Hmm?" Annie asked, quirking her brow.

Robert huffed, throwing her a dark look, "God this family drives me nuts. I'm not going anywhere."

"Robert - "

"I said no!" He shouted, bolting up from his seat. At the sudden movement, his head spun. He grabbed onto the couch for support.

"Robert! Are you all right?" Annie asked in concern, moving toward him.

He threw up a hand to stop her. "I'm fine." He replied sternly, "I'm going up to take a shower."

Robert stumbled out of the room.

"This conversation isn't over." Annie called out, her voice calm. "Not by a long shot. We'll get you out of this house one way or another lad. It's just up to you, how you decide to go. Your terms. Or ours."

Robert halted on the staircase, his hand grasping the bannister. The stubborn streak within him started prickling. What could he do? Go to the pub and show himself? In front of everyone? And oh God, what if Aaron was there? He couldn't face him, not yet! But if he didn't go, they'd drag him to the hospital. And if he dared put up a fight, they'd probably declare him mentally unstable and have him sectioned! Robert was supposed to be the strong one for God's sake! How did his life come to this?

He climbed the rest of the stairs, his grandmother's words still ringing in his ears.

Your terms. Or ours.

* * *

Aaron marched into The Woolpack laughing at another one of Adam's terrible jokes.

"Pint please Chas!" Adam piped, slapping his hand on the bar.

"You boys are in a good mood," Chas said, smiling. She tipped a pint glass under the drip, "Everything okay?"

Aaron nodded, still chuckling, "Yeah, we've just – had a good day that's all!"

The door to the pub swung open. The smile on Aaron's face froze. Andy, all decked out in a cheap suit, trooped in, followed by Victoria and Diane,

"Suspended sentence!" Diane cried, clasping her hands together, beaming.

Andy grinned wearily as the pub errupted into cheers. Sarah and Jack ran into his arms. He swept them both up, his eyes glistening.

Aaron kept his head down, clenching his jaw. He didn't trust himself to speak. He'd never admit it aloud, but he was still smarting over the fact that Robert had essentially chosen Andy over him. Over the past couple of days, he'd pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, repeating over and over to himself, that if Robert didn't ask for his help – then it wasn't his problem. Just like his counsellor had advised him to do.

_'What you want and what you need are two different things.'_

But then when he'd heard the rumours filtering about the village, that Andy Sugden was back and going to turn himself in, his only concern had been about Robert's safety. Who was looking after him?

"Nice one Andy lad!" Adam called out, digging into his pocket. "Here you need a pint! Chas let me get this one!"

Andy's smile wavered as he glanced at Adam, "Nah. You're all right." He said coolly. Aaron frowned slightly at his shift in attitude.

"Is it me or does he seem a bit off?" Adam whispered to Aaron.

Aaron shrugged, sipping his beer. "That's Andy for ya. Bloke's always off."

"I'm so happy you're back home!" Victoria gushed, "How do you feel?"

Andy sighed, loosening his tie."Relieved. Tired. Happy."

"Well, why don't you stay for one drink and celebrate?" Diane pressed.

"Thanks Diane but I think I just want to head off home." He said pointedly, "It's been a long day."

Diane nodded in understanding, "Of course pet."

"Home being… Emmerdale Farm?" Brenda asked sweetly, sidling up to him.

Andy rolled his eyes, "Yes. I'm staying with my brother up at the farm."

"How is he?" Brenda asked curiously, "We're all so worried about him."

"Yeah I'll bet." Andy muttered, "I'll pass on your concerns Brenda."

"Dad, is Uncle Rob okay?" Sarah asked, her tone laced with worry.

Andy gave her a pained smile, lowering his voice. "Not really darling. He's just – not feeling himself. And I'm trying to help him."

"Is he sick?" Sarah questioned.

"Sort of." Andy replied carefully, "It's like – remember when you were ill, and your brother helped you get better?" Sarah nodded. "Well it's like that darling. My brother needs my help to get better - "

Aaron snorted into his pint. Chas glared at him.

"Well - it's not really the same thing is it?" Aaron said loudly, without looking in Andy's direction.

"Your Uncle Rob's got everyone he needs around him." Andy said to Sarah, his voice rising, for Aaron's benefit. "And that's the first step."

"You reckon it's that simple yeah?" Aaron shot out, before he could stop himself.

"Oi, reign it in you!" Chas reprimanded.

"Yeah I do, actually!" Andy fired back. He turned back to Sarah, his tone softening. "Look sweetheart, I'd love to come and spend some time with you and Jack and I will do. But right now, your Uncle Rob needs me."

Sarah nodded, "I understand. Go and help him get well again. Tell him, me and Jack are thinking of him."

Andy smiled, kissing her forehead. "I will darling. Vic, Diane er – can I have a quick word?"

He ushered them to the corner of the pub, where they began to talk in hushed tones.

Aaron couldn't help but feel a burning curiosity to listen in on their conversation. Adam droned on and on in his ear, but he paid him no attention.

Even though his relationship was over, even though there was too much water flowing under the bridge… Aaron just couldn't shake off the feeling that something was desperately wrong with Robert.

The three conspirators suddenly dashed out of the pub. Aaron sat up in his seat, trying to peer out of the frosted window. Adam waved a hand in front of his face, snapping him out of his reverie. "Mate? You with me?"

Aaron shook himself back into focus. "Er – what?"

"Darts?" Adam said, "After work tonight?"

"Give it a go." Chas interrupted softly, "It'll do you some good to take your mind off…"

Aaron's eyes bored into hers.

"I think a barrel needs changing." Chas muttered to herself, scurrying off into the back.

"So darts…?" Adam pressed, giving his shoulder a playful nudge.

"Sure." Aaron stretched his lips into a smile. "I could do with a night off from sitting at home."

"Yeah and your Mum's right mate." Adam said, in an offhand way, "You need to take your mind off Robert."

There it was again. That punch to the gut at the very mention of his name.

Adam slapped his shoulder, "Come on mate, let's get back to the grind."

Aaron sloped off with him, his beer left untouched on the bar.

* * *

Robert shuffled into the kitchen, his breathing growing heavy. He noticed that he was out of breath more frequently now, particularly when he walked up or down the stairs.

Leaning against the doorframe, he watched his grandmother scrubbing a plate by the sink. It amazed him that she was still so composed, despite her age and all the grief she carried on her shoulders.

"Don't loiter in the doorway." She called out, her back still kept to him. "If you want to come in – come in."

A smirk lingered on Robert's lips. He limped further into the kitchen, his hand resting on his hipbone, which now jutted out visibly through his t-shirt.

"Any news on Andy?" He asked hopefully.

"Suspended sentence." Annie answered, her tone sharp, "He's on his way back now."

Robert felt happiness and dread explode in the pit of his stomach. It was an odd sensation – experiencing two very different emotions at once.

"Good." He said, with as much sincerity as he could muster.

"I suppose you know what's coming now." Annie said curtly, dipping a cup into the sink and scrubbing the mouth. "Should I ask you if you've agreed to the deal? Or shall I brace myself for another tantrum?"

"You think that was a tantrum?" Robert questioned, his voice hollow.

"How do you see it?" Annie countered.

"I see it as my family, trying to control me!" He replied, his voice hard.

"There's a black kettle and pot I had around here somewhere, could you find them for me?" Annie quipped.

A bubble of laughter escaped from Robert's lips. He couldn't help it. "Look Gran I er – I actually came down here because… I genuinely wanted to apologise for being rude earlier." He said sheepishly. "I wasn't throwing a tantrum but I was angry. Not at you… Anyway, I – shouldn't have snapped at you like that, I'm sorry."

Annie dried her hands on a tea towel, folding it neatly beside her. She turned around to face him, struggling to mask her concern. "Robert I'm not your enemy. You know I'm doing this because I - "

"I know." Robert interrupted softly. "And thank you for being here, I'm running short of allies at the moment. I shouldn't be taking it out on you." He dropped into a seat, breathing deeply.

Annie watched him with helpless eyes. "I'd rather you take it out on me, than yourself." She said quietly.

Robert's head turned toward her slowly. "What do you mean by that?" He asked, keeping his tone measured.

Annie released a long held sigh. She hobbled over to the seat next to him and sat down, taking his fragile hand in her one. She deliberately ran a thumb over his wrist, now stained blue with his own veins. "I mean this, darling. What you're doing to yourself. Shutting yourself away from the world and starving yourself. You don't deserve this pain."

Robert's lip trembled. "It's – just – so… hard." He said, through gritted teeth. "The pain – is in here." He jabbed at his chest, "And – it won't budge. I want to eat… you think I don't? I just can't. God, every day… I find it hard - to make it through – to the next…"

"All the more reason to come back into the world." Annie responded, caressing his arm. "So you can remind yourself that there is more to your life than old letters from a hundred years ago!"

"Gran…" Robert started, his voice emerging a whisper, "I know what you want me to do. But the idea of going out there - and seeing everyone…" His head dropped into his palm.

"Love… you've spent too long in this house. The memories, the ghosts, this – obsession with the past, it's not healthy." Annie said, her voice laced with tenderness. "Robert. It's time for you to return to the land of the living."

Robert struggled to find any counter argument. His mind was spinning, his breathing was growing heavier. What else could he do?

Finally, Robert nodded. "Okay. I'll come out tonight. But only for a very little while! That's it!"

Relief melted across Annie's features. "Oh that's fine!" She breathed, "Thank you for doing this."

Robert didn't respond. He just stared at his fingers, twisting them within each other.

Annie gently touched his arm. "Love. Don't look so defeated. This really isn't a bad thing."

He just gave her a stiff nod. "Whatever you say." He muttered.

Annie's face scrunched up, "Er – Robert – before you make your grand entrance back into the world, can I just – please sort out your hair? It looks like a bird's about to settle into it."

Before Robert could reply, she was also already up on her feet and bustling around the kitchen, setting the water to boil.

Robert released a sigh of fustration, collapsing back into his seat. He glowered out of the window, at the fields, now darkening as evening crept upon them. For the first time in about a month, he'd be back out there. Properly, out there.

His stomach tightened into a stiff knot.

Oh God.

What the hell had he just agreed to do?

* * *

to be continued...


	14. Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks again for the reviews, glad you're liking the story so far!

Snip, snip, snip.

The sharp sound of his grandmother's scissors whirred around the back of his head. Robert prised an eye open, watching minsicule strands of his own hair, gently falling.

"Keep your head still." Annie ordered, moving his head to the centre.

Robert grumbled, "Feels like I'm five years old again."

"You'll always be five years old in my eyes." Annie replied fondly.

Robert smiled to himself. In all honesty, he enjoyed the feel of someone taking care of him in this way. It had been a long time since anyone had bothered...

Annie dusted his shoulders lightly. "All done."

Robert took a deep breath, peering at himself in the misty bathroom mirror. The overgrown, dirty blonde mop that had spread over his head during these past weeks, had been sheared back into his old, shorter style.

"It's good." He mumbled. In all honesty, he would've appreciated it much more if this new hairstyle wasn't outlining his withering face.

Annie swallowed, trying to mask her worry, "How about I make you a snack?" She suggested, keeping her tone even. "It doesn't have to be anything big. A sandwich? Cereal? Or some fruit?"

Robert sighed, hearing the desperation laced in her voice. He nodded, "Yeah – I think I can manage a small bowl of cornflakes."

"Oh – that's – that's wonderful!" She replied, taken aback that he'd actually agreed. She bustled off downstairs to prepare it for him. Robert ran a hand through his newly clipped hair.

"Here we go." He muttered, to the gaunt reflection staring back at him.

Robert slowly limped down to the kitchen where Annie was already shaking a packet of cornflakes into a bowl. She glanced up, beaming, as he shuffled to the table.

"Sit down love." She said gently, adding a gush of milk into his bowl.

"That's enough Gran." Robert said, a little too stern.

Annie pushed the bowl and spoon toward him, taking a seat right next to him.

Robert sighed in defeat, "You're not gonna go until I've finished this are you?"

Annie smiled sweetly, "You know me so well." She reached over, ruffling his hair.

Robert snatched up the spoon, staring at the orange flakes, drowning in milk.

A memory suddenly flashed in his mind. He was about four years old, sitting in this very chair, his grandmother sat next to him. He was wearing his grey school uniform, a bowl of corflakes in front of him… and his grandmother chatted to him as she wiped his face with a damp cloth. Then his father walked in, cramming on his flat cap, all smiles and saying merrily, "Come on son, off to school!"

Tears burned Robert's eyes. He'd give everything to have one more day… just one more minute with his Dad…

Robert dug his spoon into his cereal and lifted it to his mouth, his stomach churning.

Just take the bite. One bite.

His mouth closed over the soggy flakes. He closed his eyes, chewing as quickly as he could, forcing it down his throat.

_Spit it out._

"There's a good lad." Annie said softly, smiling at him.

Robert grimaced, forcing another mouthful down.

_Spit it out._

And another.

_Spit it out._

And another.

_Spit it out._

Until most of it had gone. His stomach felt uncomfortable, too heavy.

_Spit it out._

Without thinking, he picked up his bowl and slurped the dregs of milk up.

"Robert!" Annie chided, "I know your head isn't in the right place, but there's no need for bad table manners!"

_'Ugh. I wish you wouldn't do that.'_

Robert wiped his mouth, "Sorry Gran." He said thickly.

"You missed a bit. Here." Annie reached over and wiped his milk moustache off with a tea towel. "I used to do this when you were a baby. After your mother passed, God rest her soul."

There was a swift knock on the door. Robert jolted slightly, his heart hammering. Annie placed a reassuring hand on his arm, rising up, "It'll just be Andy. He didn't take his key."

"Guess he didn't want to tempt fate." Robert mumbled.

Annie opened the door, stepping aside so Andy could shuffle in, grinning from ear to ear, his cheeks pink from the cold.

"Rob! I got - "

"Suspended sentence." Robert interrupted, smiling thinly. "I'm happy for you Brother. I mean it."

Andy smiled, "Thanks. And judging by your sudden hair cut – I'm guessing you're sticking to our deal? Celebration drink over at The Woolpack?"

Robert nodded stiffly, trying not to let the terror crack across his face.

Sensing his obvious discomfort, Andy hurried over to him, grasping his shoulder, "Hey. It'll be all right Rob. We're gonna be right with ya. This is good for you. Vic and Diane can't wait to see ya!" He turned to Annie, "They're in the car, ready when you are."

Annie buttoned up her coat, nodding, "I'll be on my way then. I'll see you boys in about half an hour."

Robert shot up from his seat, "Gran? You're – you're not coming with us."

Annie shook her head, "I'm going off with your sister and Diane, straight to the Woolie. I want to…"

"Draw up the battle lines." Robert finished, heaving a sigh. "I get it."

"It'll be easier for you if Gran's already there." Andy said gently.

"And what about us? How are we getting there?" Robert asked him, his tone shifting into sarcasm, "Will there be a bus coming along or are we gonna have to walk it?"

Andy rolled his eyes, "I'll drive us!"

"In that broken down piece of tat?" Robert scoffed. "We'll be lucky if we make it out the driveway!"

"Oi, it got me through Europe and across the boarder so I could come straight to ya!" Andy huffed, "Anyway, at least I have a car!"

"You call that a car? I've seen better on the scrap heap - !"

"Oh boys, boys, please!" Annie shrilled, "Stop your bickering before I clip you round the ears!"

Robert and Andy both shut up, muttering their apologies. Everyone knew why Robert was suddenly lashing out with his tongue. He was nervous as heck and about five seconds away from running upstairs and locking himself in the bathroom.

"I'll see you very soon." Annie said quietly, giving Robert a reassuring wink. She swiftly bolted out of the house.

Robert grabbed onto a chair, stopping himself from tearing off upstairs. Andy turned to him, his eyes flashing in determination. "Got any hair gel?"

Robert eyed him suspiciously, "Why?"

"We need to make you look less…"

"Dead?" He said flatly. "It's okay. You can say it. My hair's not as awesome as it used to be and - and my once, totally hot body now looks like something you'd find in the Biology lab."

Andy chuckled, though the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "Glad to see you've still got your sense of humour eh."

Robert didn't say anything. He sunk back into his chair, glancing at the clock. The tick, tick, ticking, never seemed so loud as it did right now.

* * *

The pub was much rowdier than a usual Monday evening. Aaron leaned against the bar, sipping his beer and watching Adam take another pathetic shot at the darts board.

He laughed, "Bad luck mate! My turn to crush ya now!"

Adam playfully punched his arm, "Yeah you wish!"

Liv rolled her eyes, muttering, "Childish idiots."

Both doors to the pub opened. Victoria leaned against one, Diane against the other. A sudden hush fell over the pub.

Aaron peered over the heads of the other punters, curious to see what the fuss was about.

Annie Sugden stepped over the threshold, her cane tapping loudly amidst the silent room. She stood in the centre of The Woolpack, smiling to herself as she soaked in the atmosphere. Aaron's jaw almost dropped. This was the infamous Annie Sugden, Robert's beloved grandmother! The woman who had looked after him during the early years of his life, the woman whom he had spoken of so fondly and with so much love.

She was here, standing in the pub!

Annie majestically sauntered toward the bar where Chas and Charity stood, gaping at her.

"Are they replacing barmaids with statues these days? What does an old lass have to do to get a decent drink around here?" She asked, a smirk playing upon her lips.

Aaron scrutinised her, already very impressed. It wasn't hard to tell where Robert inherited his sharp tongue from.

Chas was the first to lurch into motion, "Yes! Of course – er, G&T right?" She stuttered, grinning a little too much.

"Make it a double love." Annie said with a sigh, dumping her handbag on the bar. "Reckon I'll be here for a while."

Adam nudged Aaron, hissing, "Mate! That's Vic and Rob's Gran! The one from Spain! She's a legend round here!"

Aaron just nodded, still too shocked to form a response.

Annie drummed her gloved fingers upon the bar, casually ignoring the frenzied whispers buzzing around her. Eric sidled up the bar, toward her, smiling. "Hello Annie."

Annie returned the smile, fondly, "Hello Eric. Glad to see that some things never change."

"I take it you're here to visit that grandson of yours?" He asked, raising his brow.

"Someone needs to knock some sense into the lad!" Annie responded stiffly.

Aaron's stomach dropped. She'd been with Robert...

Eric nodded, turning to Chas, he placed a few coins onto the bar. "Chas. This one's on me. Welcome home Annie."

Annie picked up her glass, smirking, "Ah, look at that! Eric Pollard forking out for me! The world must be coming to an end!"

A laugh rippled through the pub. Eric shook his head, still chuckling.

Annie's sharp gaze did another quick sweep of the pub, her eyes settling on Aaron who was fidgeting nervously with his sleeve. Her cheek twitched, as if she was holding in a smirk. It was a look Aaron had seen on Robert many times before, when he had a secret or scheme up his sleeve that no one else knew about.

Leaving her drink on the bar, she started to make a beeline straight for him!

"Is she coming over?" Adam asked, his voice escalating in panic.

Aaron shrugged helplessly as she drew nearer. The small crowd separating the two of them, parted like the red sea.

Aaron wanted to run, right out of the pub, down the road and out of the village – but his legs wouldn't let him.

Annie finally reached him, her frail hand holding onto the rail of the bar for support, the other hand, leaning on her cane.

She smiled, a true, warm smile. "Hello love. You must be Aaron. I recognise you from all those pictures Robert sent me."

Aaron returned the smile, still astonished that this amazing woman, who had already conjured up such an atmosphere in the pub – wanted to talk to him. Aside from Victoria, he'd never met any blood relation of Robert's before. She was a part of Robert and she'd been with him.

"Er – yeah. I'm Aaron." He said, keeping his voice steady.

Annie peered over his shoulder, where Liv perched on a barstool, shyly watching them. "And you must be Liv?" She asked kindly.

Liv glanced at Aaron who widened his eyes. She quickly turned back to Annie, smiling nervously, "Yeah. I'm Liv. And you're Robert's grandmother."

"I am, love."

Annie's eyes travelled to Adam, lurking behind Aaron. "You're Adam. Victoria's husband, aren't you?" She asked, the warmth evaporating from her tone.

Adam flinched under her piercing gaze. "Yeah." He mumbled.

She pursed her lips, eyeing him up and down in a mixture of dislike and mild admiration.

Aaron subtly moved between them. "Er – Mrs Sugden - "

"Oh please." Annie interrupted, "Mrs Sugden was my mother-in-law and that's a comparison we don't want drawn. You can call me Annie."

Aaron could see his mother in his periphal vision, eavesdropping on them. Along with the rest of the pub.

Aaron made a motion to shove Liv off her barstool. "Here. Would you like to sit - ?"

Annie waved her hand, "No, no my dear! I just wanted to see you and say hello. I really wanted to see the man – well…" She gestured to Liv, "The people – who made my Robert very happy."

Aaron didn't know how to respond. He awkwardly shuffled his feet, stammering, "Erm – thanks – but we're not really…"

Annie nodded, "Oh I know love. I know what's happened and I'm sorry you both got caught up in it. But that's Robert unfortunately. Drama follows that lad around like a tornado!"

A laugh escaped Aaron's lips. He felt himself relax in her prescence. "Yeah well, I've created a few tornados myself. Guess that's why Robert and I…" His heart clenched.

Annie tilted her head to the side. "Thank you." She said quietly.

Aaron looked up to her, certain he had misheard. "Sorry?"

"Thank you." She repeated, louder, confidently. "For loving my grandson so very much. Especially at a time when he couldn't love himself…" Her voice cracked briefly, but she disguised it with a smile.

Aaron sniffed, holding back his own tears. Finally he plucked up the courage to ask with the utmost concern, "How is he? Have you seen him?"

Annie nodded, her eyes clouding. "I have. I'm staying with him. He's…getting there."

Aaron knew what that meant. There was nothing he could do but nod like a puppet, "Right. Okay. That's erm – that's good, I guess." He stuttered, unsure of how to continue this conversation.

_Tell him I miss him. Why won't he talk to me? Is he okay?_

"Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and thank you." Annie said, keeping the sadness out of her voice. "Obviously I wish we could've met under happier circumstances. But – I'll see you around, yes?"

Aaron nodded, as did Liv. Annie gave them one last smile before shuffling back, to join Victoria and Diane. They huddled around her, chatting in an animated fashion.

"I don't think she likes me." Adam grumbled. "What's Vic been saying?"

"Maybe the truth." Aaron muttered, watching the trio join Doug at a booth on the opposite side of the pub.

"She's a scary one isn't she?" Charity gushed, pushing a pint toward Aaron. "And that's coming from me!"

"Well, I think she seems really cool." Liv said, sipping on her juice.

Aaron sighed, gazing a the white bubbles erupting on the surface of his beer. "Yeah. She's... like him."

* * *

Robert had lapsed into a tense silence during the entire drive. Andy's tinpot car crawled along the dusty country roads at thirty miles per hour. And as darkness enveloped the countryside, he flicked his headlights on and dropped his speed to twenty, further irritating Robert.

With every second that passed, Robert felt that anxious knot in his stomach, tigthen. Every tree that rolled past in a dark blur, was just one step closer to the pub. He swallowed over the bile rising in his throat.

Those cornflakes weren't going to stay down for long.

His fingers subtly rubbed the insides of his denim jacket. It was like a comfort blanket right now

Andy glanced at him, sighing. "Rob what's up? You've barely said a word."

"Can you blame me?" Robert responded, through gritted teeth, "I haven't left the house in weeks! I feel sick…"

"Don't you dare chuck up in my car!" Andy cautioned.

"Your car's a piece of crap anyway!" Robert grumbled, "Pretty sure those snails we passed a while back have just overtaken us!"

"Look, I'm trying to get us there in one piece!" Andy said, expasperated.

"In this thing? Good luck." Robert muttered, shifting in his seat so he could rest his head. Unfortunately the car didn't offer much leg room and he was forced to curl his long legs to the side, banging his head against the windowin the process. "Ow! Andy what is this? I can't even move!"

"Oh I'm sorry, but the Andy Sugden limo service was all booked up!" Andy snapped.

"Can't you at least put the air con on?" Robert asked, his tone measured.

"It's broken." Andy replied, sheepish.

Robert scoffed, "Yeah, course it is."

"Roll down the window then!" Andy said impatiently.

Robert groaned, cranking his window down a few inches and welcoming the sharp chill on his face, "Why did I agree to this?"

"Because you know it's the right thing to do." Andy answered, simply.

Robert glanced at him, irritated. "Didn't know you were a mind reader."

"When it comes to you, I can – almost – read you like a book." Andy said calmly, his eyes on the road. "You're really not that opaque Rob. At least… not to me."

Robert sniffed, "Surprised you even know what the word opaque means. Where'd you pick that one up?"

"Been travelling round Europe haven't I?" Andy said, his tone laced with smugness.

Robert gaped at him. "You do realise you were a fugitive on the run? Not backpacking around the continent on a gap year?"

"I know!" Andy huffed, "But it was the first time I was able to… properly get out there and see the world. A life outside this village. I was able to just re-invent myself. Get crappy jobs, eat weird food and just… live. You know?"

Robert nodded, "Yeah I do." He mumbled, his father's disappointed voice poking into his ear.

 _'_ _Drive till you're far away and you don't come back.'_

A stressed silence filled the car. Robert stared moodily out of the window, allowing the fresh breeze to quell his rising nausea.

Sensing the tension, Andy flicked a switch on the car radio. "Found this CD while I was clearing out some stuff – a while back."

Robert raised his brow, "CD?"

Andy just smirked, turning up the volume. "This should ease you up a bit."

The familiar sound of a deck spinning, followed by three simple guitar chords, echoed around the tiny car.

 _'_ _Her name is Noelle. I had a dream about her, she rings my bell…'_

Robert's heart twinged with nostalgia. He twisted in his seat to face Andy, "Wait, what? This is such an old song! Proper early Noughties though!"

Andy nodded, "Remember we couldn't get enough of this song? Dad always had to yell at us to shut up!"

Robert lifted his knees up, resting his feet on the dashboard, so he could drum heavily on his lap. When the chorus came round, both boys head banged in unison, singing:

 _"_ _Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby! Hey, I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby! Listen to Iron Maiden baby like me… ooooooh!"_

For just three blissful minutes, Robert forgot. He was back in his old room, in Tenant's House. Him and Andy were sprawled out on the floor, doing homework and bickering about petty things, whilst this tune blared out from his stereo. Then his Dad would come thundering into the room, barking,  _"Turn that noise off boys! Victoria's sleeping!_ "

When the song ended, the last notes lingered in the car, pulling Robert into reality.

He was back. In Andy's rickety car, driving down the village road.

Andy parked up behind the pub, in the small car park. Robert stared at the squat building in front of him, its' lights illuminating the large sign in the dark.

"Everything I ever wanted in life… was in that pub." He said quietly.

"I take it you don't mean the booze." Andy responded, smiling slightly.

"I've learned a lot about The Woolpack you know." Robert said softly. "When I was reading all the letters and journals, they always mention this place. It's gone through a lot of changes in the past century."

"But it's still standing." Andy said, admiring the old joint.

Robert nodded slowly. "And so are the Sugdens." He said, his tone strengthening.

Andy took a deep breath, "Right. You ready Brother?"

_No!_

"Yeah." Robert choked, anxiety churning in his gut. "Let's do this."

Both lads lurched out of the car, taking their time, walking to the front. Adam's loud guffaws could already be heard from inside the pub. Which meant Aaron was most definitely there. Robert halted, grasping onto Andy's arm.

"What's up?" Andy asked, alarmed.

"What – what if they don't want me there and turn me away?" Robert said, his voice vibrating.

"Why would they do that Rob?" Andy asked, confused.

Robert raked a hand through his carefully gelled hair, "Come on Andy! You know firsthand what the Dingles are like when you hurt one of their own! They close ranks and pounce. Chas and Liv hate me for what I've done to Aaron. Paddy will probably be gloating! Adam will threaten to deck me one! It doesn't matter that they're all a bunch of hypocritical idiots or that I've known most of them since I was a kid! They won't want me there. Look, I – I thought I could do it but I was wrong…"

It didn't seem like too long ago that he was kneeling on the floor in the pub, slurping the dregs of beer out of a welly whilst Aaron and his family cheered him on. Now he was standing on the outside, visibly shaking at the thought of coming face to face with everyone again.

Including his own family.

"I can't do this Andy." Robert whispered, defeat creeping upon him once more.

Andy grabbed his shoulders. "Rob look at me. Yeah, the Dingles have got this – hypocritical need to defend each other. But you've got a secret weapon."

Robert frowned, "Eh?"

"Gran! Do you really think Annie Sugden will let anyone say or do anything to ya?"

Robert scuffed his shoes on the dirt, "No. I guess not. But Andy I still feel - "

"Trust me." Andy continued, unfazed, "She's got your back. So do I. And Diane and Vic… "

Robert sighed, his heart kicking against his ribcage. What if they tried to talk to him though? He'd been out of the loop so long, he wouldn't know what to say? And what would he do if Aaron and Liv were there? A constant reminder of the family he lost…

"You got any gum?" Robert asked his brother suddenly, squeezing his eyes shut, blocking out the dizziness.

"Eh? Gum?"

Robert swallowed, his head starting to spin again. "Yeah, it - it – helps calm my - "

"Nerves." Andy nodded, rifling in his jacket pocket, "I remember."

He handed Robert a wrinkled tube of chewing gum. Robert unwrapped the silver jacket and threw the small white stick into his mouth.

_Chew, chew, chew._

That's all he focused on. Chewing the gum.

Andy pulled open the pub door.

Warm light, along with the clinking of glasses and raucous laughter, filtered outside.

Andy stepped over the threshold, holding the door open for him.

_Chew, chew, chew._

With his entire body still trembling…Robert followed him inside.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	15. Look At Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the delay but this chapter is a long one! So enjoy and let me know what you think!

Never had a chattering room, stilled so quickly.

Robert kept his eyes focused on the back of Andy's head, hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets, his jaw working furiously.

_Chew, chew, chew._

He could see them. From the corner of his eye, he could see all of them – Aaron, Liv and Adam grouped together with the Dingles. And as much as he wanted to look over… he couldn't. His heartbeat acclerated, his breathing growing frantic…

He gave Andy a subtle nudge with his elbow, indicating they speed this along.

"As you were." Andy said loudly to the silent pub, his voice laced with irritation. He practically pushed Robert to a booth near the window, where Diane, Victoria, Doug and his grandmother all sat.

"Robert!" Diane breathed, her eyes alighting with happiness, only to flicker in shock as she took in his gaunt appearance. "How – how are you pet?"

Robert's throat closed up. He couldn't form a coherent response – so he just shrugged.

_Chew, chew, chew._

Victoria jumped up to hug him, "I've missed ya." She whispered into his chest.

Robert patted her back, awkwardly. He could feel her hands roaming over his spine and heard her quiet gasp of shock.

"Vic." Andy said gently, but firmly, pulling her away from their brother. She silently took her place next to Diane.

Robert bent down to kiss his grandmother's cheek, as if he could absorb some of her iron strength, just by physical contact.

"I'm glad you came love," Annie said softly, scooting up so he could sit down.

Robert shuffled up next to her, Andy hovering beside them.

"What would you like to drink pet?" Diane asked Robert, her voice thin.

_Whiskey._

Robert tried to speak but it was as if his throat was locked. No sound could emerge. Besides... he didn't trust himself to speak. So, he folded his arms, shrugging.

"No booze." Andy said quickly, "He's had enough of that. Maybe some water?"

Robert nodded glumly.  _Great._

Andy sauntered up to the bar, leaving Robert feeling more exposed than ever.

He could feel Aaron's sharp gaze, scorching onto him. Trying to provoke a response, a glance, anything from him.

Well he wasn't going to do that. Already, he could sense Adam The Guard Dog, shifting uncomfortably. Probably ready to pounce, if Robert so much as breathed in their direction. He toyed with the beer mat instead, turning it over and over in his fingers. He wondered briefly if this was what being a goldfish was like… having people gawp and stare at you for entertainment.

It was getting harder and harder to ignore Aaron's piercing stare. Robert fidgeted with his jacket sleeves, desperately trying to seek some comfort from the old denim.

_Hurry up Andy!_

He was still at the bar, chatting in a low voice to Chas. Probably about had no choice but to stare at Victoria, Diane and Doug who were all trying to make small talk with each other, in the hopes that he'd join them. Annie curled her fingers into his, squeezing them in reassurance. Robert felt himself deflate in relief when Andy returned, with a bottle of water and a glass for him and an orange juice for himself. He sat down next to Robert, locking him in.

That was it. Squashed between his brother and grandmother, Robert was now trapped.

There was no where to run or hide.

"Not having a pint then?" Doug asked, nodding at Andy's juice.

"Nah, I gotta keep an eye on this one don't I?" Andy replied, giving Robert a playful nudge.

Robert didn't crack a smile. He picked up his bottle of water, trying to unscrew the cap. It was too tight. He grunted slightly, his frail hand unable to form a proper grasp.

What the hell? He couldn't even open a bottle of water now!

Andy subtly prised the bottle out of his hand. Robert squirmed in embarrassment, aware of the looks of pity he was attracting.

"They do make the lids awfully tight these days." Diane said uneasily, as Andy popped the lid off in one quick twist.

Robert snatched the bottle off his brother, tipping the liquid into his glass, trying to keep his hand steady. He took a small sip. That was all he could manage, despite feeling absolutely parched, a few hours ago.

Victoria slid a plate of chips towards him, smiling in encouragement.

_Nice try sis._

Robert pushed the plate back, a familiar nausea stirring in the pit of his stomach. He caught the looks of concern, exchanging between his family and heard the whispers, ripple through the pub.

"How's things up at the farm?" Diane asked, as casual as she could.

Robert rolled his head to Andy.

_You answer._

"Good." Andy replied, with a tight smile. "Rob and I are gonna turn it into a dairy farm and then - start up an ice-cream business! Aren't we Rob?"

Robert gave a dull nod.

"Oh fun!" Victoria gushed.

Annie wrinkled her nose, "Ice-cream business? Not Sugden Boys?"

Andy sighed, "Yeah Gran. Look, I'm sorry if you don't approve. But The Sugden Boys are back in business."

Now it was Robert's turn to sigh. Technically, they were never in business, but whatever.

Annie tutted, "Are you sure it's wise to...encourage - such childish fantasies?"

Robert knew, by her tone, that she was indirectly talking about him.

_Chew, chew, chew._

"Gran, we're older now." Andy said in annoyance, "We know what we're doing. I'm gonna be handling the farming side of things and Rob will handle the business end. I won't be doing all the hard graft mind you – he'll have to muck in occasionally!"

"Yes but - "

Victoria waved her hand dismissively, "Oh leave them alone Gran! It'll be nice for us all to work in the food industry! Hey we should all work together! Make it a family business!"

"Yes!" Diane added, her voice smothered with enthusiasm, "That'll be a great business venture. Right, Robert?"

Robert twitched his head into a half-shrug, half-nod, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him. Then again, he'd already hit rock bottom hadn't he? How further could he possibly fall?

Andy shifted uncomfortably next to him. "Yeah – we reckon it will. But first we need to do up the place. Get some new equipment in, do up the house, starting with a proper front door! We also need to get the entire land surveyed, you know, for health and safety."

"How much is all that gonna cost?" Diane asked, her eyes round with bewilderment.

Robert felt a pinch of irritation in his gut. He didn't even want to know how much re-doing the farm would cost, nor did he particularly care at this point. Right now, he wanted to get back home and retreat to the comfort of his book.

"We'll sort it." Andy answered dismissively.

Robert looked at Andy in mild amusement.  _Since when did you become the optimistic one?_

Diane carefully leaned closer to Robert, "I'm glad you and Andy have decided to put everything behind you and stand shoulder to shoulder with each other."

Robert sucked in a breath, knowing what was coming next… and dreading it.

"Jack would be so proud!"

Bullseye.

_Chew, chew, chew._

"Aye, he would." Annie said, patting Robert's arm. "Starting up a business is no easy task mind you. It'll take a lot of work and effort and you might disagree on occasion. But if you work hard – which I know you're both capable of doing – then you'll be a flying success. You remind me of your Dad and Uncle Joe. Both butted heads and disagreed on just about everything. But when they worked together, they were a great team."

"And you boys will be a great team too!" Diane added, beaming "And hey, it won't be long before we're seeing your ice-cream in the shops! Sugden Boys! Oh, I could weep with happiness!"

Robert could weep too – just not with happiness.

He was sure Aaron could hear their conversation now. Try as he might, he couldn't get that hunched figure out of his periphal vision. He tried using Andy as a blocker but Aaron had – deliberately he suspected – shifted himself so he was still in Robert's eyeline.

Why hadn't he come over? Why hadn't Liv? Stewing in silence wasn't really her thing…

"Aren't we Rob?"

Robert pulled himself out of his reverie, catching Andy staring at him.

Robert frowned at his brother.

_Eh?_

Andy cleared his throat, "I – I was just saying to the others, that we were talking about converting one of the old barns into an office space for us."

"So Emmerdale Farm is offically working again?" Annie asked carefully. "Well… I never thought I'd live to see the day."

"Kind of brings everything full circle doesn't it?" Diane said, her tone wistful.

"Aye it does." Annie answered, her voice quiet.

Robert felt a cold chill trickle down his neck. There was something in his grandmother's voice that didn't sit right with him.

"You all right pet?" Diane asked him in concern.

_No!_

Robert nodded, avoiding eye contact.

"You taken a vow of silence or something?" Doug griped, his voice booming over the minimal chatter and cutting right into Robert's self-rant. "You people today... I don't know what's going on in your heads! Do you know how worried everyone's been about you?"

_Oh, shut up old man!_

_"_ Doug, just leave it please." Andy said gruffly.

"They've had to put their lives on hold whilst running around after your brother!" He grumbled. "And he can't even be bothered to answer their questions or open his mouth to say hello!"

Robert's trembling fingers curled into a fist, hot rage swelling in his chest.

"Doug!" Diane cautioned, watching Robert's demeanour stiffen, "It's all right. We know Robert's probably still in shock..."

Doug frowned, "He hasn't just been dragged out of the trenches!" He bellowed, his voice carrying over the pub.

 _Jesus Christ._  Robert wanted to slide under the table, through the floor and preferably into hell. The burning pit was actually a welcoming thought in comparison to this torture.

"No. He hasn't just been dragged out of the trenches. But Robert is in shock. He's been out of the world. And he now needs to get used to being back into it." Annie stated, eyeing Doug with dislike. She blanketed her grandson's quivering fist with her wrinkled hand. Robert instantly felt his anger ebb away...

"He's made real progress today and I'm proud." She said, giving his hand a little squeeze. "Okay, so he doesn't want to talk. We shouldn't force him."

Robert's cheek twitched into a tiny smile of gratitude, which he reserved just for her. Doug seemed to wither under Annie's hard stare. He retreated to the comfort of his pint, mumbling into his tumbler about 'the world today.'

Robert chose to ignore him, lest the old man's pint glass wound up embedded in his face. Which could've been a possibility, the way he was carrying on!

Victoria fidgeted with her sleeve, her face twisting in shame. "Rob… look... I know this probably isn't the right time but… I'm so sorry. For everything."

Robert sharply sucked in a breath.

"Er, Vic." Andy interrupted, his tone hard, "You're right, this isn't the best time."

"But – I only wanted to say…" She pressed, oblivious to her brother's discomfort. "That I never chose that cow over you."

Robert swallowed over the lump in his throat, wishing he could just disappear.

"Vic -" Andy tried again, but she threw her hand up.

"Please Andy I need to get this out now. You see – it was the baby. Your baby and – it's a part of you… which means it's a part of me." Victoria sniffed, looking at her hands, "But – it's also a part of Dad too. So I just thought that we were getting back a part of Dad. You know?"

Robert didn't react. He didn't nod, he didn't smile, he didn't acknowledge her. But he did understand. Of course. He should've known it was never really about him. He was just a carrier for the great Jack Sugden gene.

The group lapsed into another awkward silence, sipping on drinks and nibbling on crisps whilst their minds churned with pointless conversation. Chas used it as her moment to creep up to their booth.

"Hiya." She said sweetly.

_Chew, chew, chew._

Just focus on the gum, he told himself, staring past Victoria at a random picture hung on the wall, his chest hammering. He wondered what she was going to do. Slap him? Throw a drink over him? How much humiliation could he take?

Gran might be a legend around here, but she was physically incapable of fighting anyone off!

"Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, I just wanted to see if you wanted any more drinks and – if everyone was okay." Chas said, keeping her tone jovial.

"We're fine Chas." Victoria responded, pointedly. "Just having a family drink."

"Hiya Robert." Chas asked, boldly sticking her face into his view, so he had no choice but to look at her. "You all right?"

Her face was etched with sympathy. Robert was so taken aback by her kindness, he just stared at her.

"Oh yeah, Robert's been talking our ear off!" Doug muttered.

Robert's head snapped toward him.

"He's okay Chas, he just needs a bit of space." Diane said smoothly, before Robert launched himself across the table.

Chas's lips stretched into a tight smile. "Good – that's - well, great. Okay...well, I'll see you then."

She shuffled off quickly, no doubt to report everything back to Aaron. Robert couldn't take anymore of this farce. He could sense Aaron's growing restlessness at being ignored and didn't want to be on the receiving end once he imploded. Robert gently elbowed Andy in the ribs, tapping his wrist where an invisible watch sat, indicating that time was up and he wanted to go home.

"Yeah all right." Andy said, slightly irked. "Can I just finish my drink first?"

Robert rolled his eyes, letting his head fall back against the wooden seat, trying to ignore the sharp pangs in his gut. He took a deep breath, breathing out slowly.

Since the second he'd stepped into the pub tried to block out the strong smell of food wafting from the kitchen and the general stale, boozy aroma… but it was all building up. Not even the chewing gum was able to help anymore. Wave after wave of nasuea hit him, until he could feel a horrible tingling, creeping quickly up the back of his throat.

Clamping his lips together, Robert whacked Andy again, perfectly aware of how sharp his elbows now were.

"Ow!" Andy hissed, rubbing his arm, "Rob! Stop that! I said we're - " He caught the panic stricken look on his brother's face which screamed:

_I'm gonna be sick!_

Andy had seen that look on Robert thousands of times over the years. Ever since they were young idiots, experimenting with alcohol and chucking up over pavements, into bins and each other's shoes.

They both shot up like scalded cats.

"What's going on?" Victoria asked in alarm.

Robert ignored her. He made a dash for the bathroom before he chundered in front of the whole pub, adding more fuel to the fire of humiliation.

* * *

Aaron had experienced pain, had tortured himself, both physically and mentally. But this. This was the worst.

When Robert stepped into the pub, Aaron's heart suddenly sprung back to life, beating furiously against his chest, like a caged bird longing to be set free. Andy had done it. For all his talk, he'd actually managed to get Robert out of that damn house!

Then Aaron allowed himself to take a proper look at his former lover and a sob almost escaped his throat. God, he looked so ill!

Robert's face was drained of any colour, his cheek bones jutting out, dark circles resting under his eyes. His slender neck looked as though it were about to snap. His eyes carried an exhausted, haunted, gaze.

He was also wearing a familiar looking denim jean jacket which seemed to swallow his frail body. Aaron had once seen a picture of a surly teenaged Robert, wearing exactly the same jacket as he glared down the lens of the camera. Aaron had to admit - it threw him. He'd never seen  _his_ Robert wearing denim before. Ever.

"As you were." Andy boomed, glaring them all down.

"Mate, look at Rob!" Adam hissed, "What's he been doing all this time?"

"He doesn't look right at all, does he?" Liv whispered, her voice laced with worry. "Is he –does he have some kind of illness?"

Aaron couldn't answer. He just watched in stunned silence as Andy dragged Robert to a booth, where his family were clustered together. Diane and Victoria were both shocked and delighted to see him. Victoria wrapped her arms around him. Aaron felt a twinge of sadness and envy.

It should be his arms that held Robert...

Robert bent down to give his grandmother a kiss. Aaron's heart pinched slightly. Aside from himself and Victoria, he'd never seen Robert so openly affectionate with anyone before. He must really love her…

Andy and Diane made small chatter between themselves, Andy's broad frame, blocking his view of Robert. Frustrated, Aaron tried peer around him, to no avail.

Finally, Andy drifted over to the bar. Aaron now had a clear view of Robert. There it was. That familiar tug in his soul. The one he felt whenever Robert walked into a room, or touched him... kissed him... loved him...

Robert didn't seem to feel it though. His face betrayed no emotion. His jaw kept gurning, steadily. Aaron felt an unwanted flicker of desire in his chest. Only Robert Jacob Sugden could make chewing gum seem sexy. It was a hidden pleasure that Aaron had kept to himself. How many times had he snuck a glance across the portacabin, with a sly smirk on his lips as he watched his lover casually chewing on a stick of gum?

 _Look at me._ Aaron begged silently.  _Come on Robert. Just one look._

"Oi! Could you make it anymore obvious?" Cain snapped from across the bar. "Sitting there, ogling Robert Sugden like a goldfish! Just go and talk to him will ya, if you're that bothered!"

"Shut up Cain." Aaron rebuked, through gritted teeth, conscious if Robert had heard or not.

He didn't seem to. Robert seemed drawn into his own little world, toying with a beer mat in his long, slender fingers.

That's when Aaron saw it.

Robert's left hand. Bare! His ring was gone….

Aaron stomach dropped. Robert had actually taken the ring off. The one that Aaron had pushed onto his finger - twice - with such love and promise.

Gone.

Adam gave him a small nudge, "Mate, do you wanna go over - ?"

Aaron shook his head, quickly picking up his pint and sipping it. He didn't want to push himself into Robert's orbit… even though seeing him in this gaunt, lifeless state, cut him deeper than the sharpest shard of glass ever could.

Aaron then was forced to watch in despair, as Robert, his face totally deadpan, struggled to open the lid of his water bottle. Aaron automatically made a move to leap off his seat – when Andy surreptitiously wrestled the bottle from Robert's hand, opening it with ease.

Aaron could feel the humiliation leaking out of his ex-lover. This was Robert. Robert! Chas, Charity, Victoria, even Aaron himself had asked him to open bottles and jars when the lids fought back.

_Look at me Robert. Let me see your eyes._

Victoria pushed a plate of chips toward Robert which he promptly pushed straight back, his face flickering with irritation and disgust.

Aaron exchanged a worried look with his mother. He was refusing to eat...

Aaron sniffed. Taking another gulp of his beer, his anger steadily brewing. How long had he dreamed of this very moment? The moment where he'd finally set eyes on Robert again? Except… he still entertained the childish hope that Robert would open the door for him. And they'd have a chance to talk privately, just the two of them. And he could find out what was going on...

He didn't want this. Being forced to watch him from across the pub – the same pub where they were going to pledge themselves to each other, for the rest of their lives.

Robert refused to engage in any of the conversation. He just sat, sandwiched between his brother and grandmother, nodding or shaking his head when asked a question directly, and spent most of the time, staring into his water glass as if he'd quite like to drown in it.

_Look at me Robert. Come on mate, look at me._

Doug was saying something to wind up Robert, Aaron could tell by the sharp anger flashing across his face.

"Oi. Can you hear what they're saying?" Aaron murmured to Liv.

"Trying to lip read." Liv replied, under her breath. "Something about… ice-cream?"

Aaron's face creased up, "Ice-cream?"

"You try it then!" Liv huffed. "But I definitely heard the words… farm and ice-cream. Oh and someone called Jack. Isn't that Robert's Dad -?"

"He hasn't just been dragged out of the trenches!" Doug thundered. Robert writhed in despair. Aaron felt it again. That sharp tug, his soul urging him to run over there, grab Robert and drag him out of that pub and away from everyone!

Victoria leaned closer to Robert, talking in a hushed voice. It must've been something emotional because she wiped away a few tears. Robert listened. But didn't react. Or respond. A shiver trickled down Aaron's back. It was chilling... the way Robert was staring at his sister... as if his soul wasn't quite there...

Sensing his frustration, his mother swooped down upon the Sugden's booth. Aaron glared at the ceiling, releasing a long sigh.

Adam chuckled next to him, "Your Mum really doesn't do subtlety does she?"

Aaron didn't answer. He nibbled on his thumbnail, watching Robert's reaction.

Chas turned away from their table, a smile frozen on her face. She sidled up to him, pretending to pour a beer for an imaginary punter as she muttered, "Yeah, he's not well at all love."

"Oh Miss Marple's got nothing on you." Aaron responded, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

"Love, even if you did go over there… he won't speak to ya." Chas said, as gently as she could. "He's not talking to anyone."

"Why? What did you say to him?" Aaron asked, accusation rife in his tone.

"Nothing!" Chas shrilled, her eyes wide with indignation, "I only said hello! And he just sort of - looked at me. All..."

Aaron leaned closer to her, his voice vibrating, "All what, Mum?"

Chas shuffled her feet, "All dead behind the eyes. No reaction, nothing. It's like... the light's just gone. There's no other way to explain it, love."

Aaron gave her a stiff nod, tears burning behind his eyes. "Okay." He said, his voice emerging as a whisper.

He wiped away a stray tear with his sleeve.

Adam tugged at his arm, "Come on mate, this really isn't doing you any good." He said, his voice firm, "Lets go back to yours yeah? We can get a curry in and have a go on the VR -"

Aaron shrugged out of his grip, his eyes still trained on Robert. "I'm fine."

"You don't look it." Adam hissed, "Chas – tell him."

"He's right love." Chas said quietly, "You were doing so well, you don't need - "

"What?" Aaron snarled, "I don't need what, Mum? You all telling me what to do?"

He was aware that they were drawing attention but was past caring at this point. He needed to get to Robert, get him to look at him so he could see for himself...

Liv kept her head down, flushing in embarrassment.

Chas stared straight into her son's glistening eyes, saying firmly, "I'm telling you… that staying here will only make things worse for you. And him. Please love, go home and put your feet up. You can talk to him some other time, when he's - !"

Robert and Andy suddenly shot up from their seats. Robert bolted toward the Gents, his entire face drained of the little colour he had left.

"I'm gonna go talk to him now." Aaron said, his tone rigid with determination. He drained the last dregs of his pint and stalked away from the bar, towards the mens toilets.

* * *

Robert skidded to his knees just in time, retching into the toilet bowl. He groaned, resting his forehead against his arm.

"Rob." Andy said tentatively, creeping into the cubicle, "How are ya?"

"Just peachy." Robert murmured.

"Oh so now you're talking!" Andy huffed.

"Shut up and get me some water." Robert moaned.

"Is that everything?" Andy asked, gently touching his shoulder.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I got -" Robert's stomach heaved. "Nope -!" He lurched forward, coughing up more watery remnants.

"It's - it's probably still the alcohol in your system." Andy said, his voice laced with worry.

Robert sighed, his throat burning. "Yeah. Probably." He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. He heard the toilet door creak open and immediately felt Andy tense behind him, moving to the side, to block him from… whoever it was. Once again, Robert felt so thankful to have his brother by his side. He couldn't face this on his own…

"How is he?"

Robert's eyes snapped open. Oh God… why here… why now…?

"He's just… getting over a rough hangover." Andy said thinly.

"Really?" Aaron bit back, his voice dripping with scepticism. "Because he looks pretty ill, from what I can see."

Robert flushed the toilet, before Andy could respond. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and using Andy's thick arm, pulled himself up.

He heard Aaron's small gasp of shock but opted to ignore it, practically leaning on his brother for support.

"God. Robert." Aaron's voice was soft, scared even. His eyes raked over Robert's withering body. 

"Aaron, move out of our way." Andy ordered, trying to support Robert up.

Aaron stayed, rooted to his spot. All his attention was focused on Robert, who swayed gently, his frail fingers gripping his brother's shoulder.

"Robert, please look at me." Aaron begged, his voice carrying a weight of tears.

Robert knew that the only way he was leaving this room tonight... was to just give in.

So he finally lifted his head up. Aaron's eyes clashed with his, for the first time in months. Robert allowed himself a good, long look. Aaron looked well. Fit. Healthy. Robert didn't need to glance at the mirror to know how he looked to the outside world. He probably looked like something that had just been dug up. A far cry from the suave, charismatic businessman who used to stroll through the village, radiating confidence.

But the awful truth was…he was past caring… and perhaps it showed in his eyes.

Aaron gaped at him, his mouth hanging open slightly.

Robert knew that look. Pity.

Well, he didn't need his pity! He didn't need anyone's pity!

Robert's legs almost collapsed on themselves, Andy grabbed him before he could hit the floor. Aaron lunged forward but stopped himself.

Robert ignored the twitch in his heart. Even now, Aaron couldn't bring himself to touch him. He was clearly that repulsive.

Nearly two years ago, Robert had hauled Aaron into A&E, while he was murmuring in pain, his body rife with septicaemia. And he'd done it without hesitation. Would Aaron have done the same thing for him? Robert had his answer.

Aaron clearly saw Robert as some kind of leper. Push had come to shove. And Aaron didn't care.

Why? Why did he always have to be the strong one?

Before he completely lost it, Robert gritted his teeth, turning to Andy.

_Get me out of here._

Andy - as always, could tell exactly what he was thinking. He squeezed Robert's shoulder.

"I've got you brother." He said quietly, "I've got you."

* * *

_to be continued..._


	16. Happy Birthday Jack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the delay! But this is a long chapter! And thanks so much for the kind reviews, keep em coming!

 

 

 

It was another week before Robert ventured back into the village again. He hesitantly allowed Diane and Victoria into his house, but they'd mainly spent their visits, sitting at his kitchen table, trying to force feed him whilst shooting sad eyes in his direction.

Victoria had loved being back inside the old farmhouse. She ran through each room, her eyes wide with excitement.

"And you've made your mark too!" She had said, chuckling.

Robert frowned at her, "Eh?"

Victoria pointed to the corner of the kitchen table. Robert peered closer, aghast. How could he have missed that?

In white childish letters, the words  ** _Love, Robert_  **was engraved into the wood.

"You remember when you did that?" Annie smirked.

Robert nodded. "I – I was writing a birthday card for Dad. Must've been about six… I think I pressed too hard with the pencil, when I was signing my name!" He'd thought he would get a rollicking, for tagging the furniture, but his family seemed quite bemused by the whole thing.

Of course that was before life had battered them all down.

After yet another failed attempt to make him swallow a simple piece of toast, Andy tentatively suggested they take a walk into the village and grab something from the cafe.

Once again, Robert was cajoled into agreeing, whether he wanted to or not. The village was different during the daytime. He hadn't realised it, but Winter had crept upon them at long last. The last of the red leaves had fluttered off the trees, leaving their naked carcasses for all the world to see.

Robert shivered, drawing his denim jacket tighter around him, he avoided eye contact with anyone who passed them. He was always used to attracting attention whenever he sauntered through the village… but now, it felt uncomfortable. As if the gossip mill was grinding on full force.

"You all right pet?" Diane asked, putting a hand on his back.

"I will be, once everyone stops staring." Robert answered, irritated.

"No more than usual." Victoria said lightly.

"Oh please!" Robert snapped, "They're all just having a good gawp at Skelator walking through the glen!"

"Rob please." Andy said, his voice stern, "No one's thinking that."

"You could try eating something or – or just talking for a bit." Victoria said softly.

"I have nothing to say to anyone." Robert replied curtly, his tone suggesting they end the topic. His anger was starting to prickle again. First they nag him on eating, now they want him to talk.

It's not that he didn't want to speak… he just couldn't be bothered making conversation with these hypocrites. And the way he was feeling right now… he didn't trust himself. All in all, it would be better for everyone if he just stayed silent.

Annie patted his arm, giving him her silent support, as they all shuffled into the warm café. Ross was the first one to greet him. He wasn't overly cocky or as arrogant as Robert had expected him to be. He just stared at Robert, nodding softly, his cheek twitching in a sympathetic smile.

Robert exchanged the nod, a tiny weight lifting off his shoulder. He realised then that himself and Ross were a lot more alike than either of them would care to admit.

As they trooped up to the counter, his periphal caught a glimpse of Aaron, sitting with Liv on a couch beside the counter. His heart began to beat erratically. He knew it was inevitable that he'd bump into them at some point… just not quite so soon.

"I'll go find us a seat." Diane said in a fluster, her eyes jumping between himself and Aaron.

She ushered Victoria and Annie to a table furthest away from the counter. Robert wanted to follow her, to hide behind them all… but his legs wouldn't move. So he scuffled behind Andy instead, forced to stand right next to Aaron as they waited for the person in front of them to hurry up.

"Hi Robert." Liv said loudly.

Robert's eyes fluttered briefly. Breathing heavily, he nodded in her direction.

"Hiya Liv." Andy said, keeping his tone brisk. "You two all right?"

There was a tense pause as they waited for Robert to add something, or to even glance at them.

He didn't respond.

"Er – yeah, yeah we're good." Aaron replied, his voice heavy.

"Good." Andy said shortly. He grabbed Robert's shoulder suddenly, "Oh er Rob, did Gran say she wanted a latte with extra milk or no milk?"

Robert just gave him his usual sardonic look.  _How the hell should I know?_

Andy rolled his eyes, "Never mind, I'll go ask her. Save our place yeah."

Robert watched, open mouthed in horror as Andy swiftly left his side. His hands clenched into fists at the bottom of his pockets. Andy was like his shield and whenever they were together, he used his brother to ward off any awkward encounters. Now he felt exposed and alone.

The customer in front of him left, barrelling right past him with her coffee. Robert took a deep breath, stepping up to the counter, aware that Liv and Aaron were both staring at him.

"Robert!" Bob greeted warmly, "Hello! It's so nice seeing you out and about!"

Robert managed a tiny smile for him. He liked Bob. He was one of a handful of people who seemed genuinely nice to him. Robert glanced over his shoulder at Andy. He seemed to be in some kind of argument with Victoria. Both of them kept gesturing towards him.

Bob clicked his fingers, "Lemme guess? Americano?"

The aroma of freshly ground coffee was one of his favourite smells, dragging him right back to his childhood days on the farm. His mother would always put a fresh pot on for his Dad, before he wandered out into the fields.

Now… the smell slowly began to turn his stomach. Robert quickly shook his head. No. No coffee.

Bob's face fell slightly. "Oh? Never mind… er… something to eat maybe?"

_Andy, I'm gonna kill you!_

Robert shook his head again, his eyes scanning the counter. The selection of cakes trapped under the glass lid would usually make his mouth water. Now the sight of the fat, sticky pastries, bleeding jam, oozing cream… it was pushing the bile further and further up his throat…

Robert aggressively turned his body toward his family, where they all seemed to be huddled together, conspiring.

"Robert?" Bob prompted gently, snapping him back into focus.

Taking another deep breath and trying to ignore Aaron shifting uncomfortably, from the corner of his eye, Robert grabbed a water bottle from the glass incubator and shook it at Bob.

"Just water?" Bob asked, his face creasing with worry.

Robert gave him a stiff nod.

"You sure you don't want anything to eat?" Bob pressed, gesturing to the plate of steaming scones Brenda has just pulled out of the oven.

Robert shook his head, clenching his jaw.

Bob sighed, "Er… okay. Just water. That'll be a pound please."

Daylight robbery. How odd. Once upon a time, Robert would toss a coin onto the counter without giving it a second thought. Robert dug deep into his pocket, his fingertips brushing over a small circular object. He dragged his hand out, unpeeling his fingers. There, sitting on his palm was an old black button.

His heart sunk.

It was his Dad's. He'd found it on the floor in Tenant House one night and pocketed it, with the intention of giving it back to him.

But then that was the night his Dad had discovered his affair with Katie… and all hell had broken loose. The memory sharply surfaced… his Dad throwing a punch to his eye, slamming him against the wall, screaming in his face, "Tell them what you did to Victoria!"

What had he done? Threatened his baby sister into silence so she was too terrified to speak. That's what he'd done. Him and Katie both. Now… he was the one too scared to open his mouth.

"I don't think that counts as legal tender!" Bob giggled, pointing to the button on his palm.

Robert kept staring at the button, his mind playing the scene on a loop in his head.

"Robert?" Bob prompted in concern, the smile melting off his face. "Are you okay?"

Robert felt  _him_  by his side in an instant.

"I'll get this one Bob." Aaron said, his voice hoarse. He rootled in his trouser pocket for some spare change.

"Everything okay?" Andy asked tersely, appearing next to Robert.

Robert glared at him.  _I'm so damned mad at you!_

Andy swallowed, his face flashing in guilt. He quickly tossed fiver onto the counter, "Three lattes, a cappucino a couple of those brownies and – er – Rob's water please Bob."

Bob nodded, his eyes never leaving Robert. "Feel better." He said, his tone leaking sympathy.

Robert gave him a thumbs up in response.

Then he felt it. Warm fingers gently wrapped around his slender wrist.

He heard Aaron gasp.

Robert snatched his hand away as if he'd been burned, avoiding eye contact, his breathing erratic.

"Robert…?" Aaron whispered, his voice cracking, "What's happening to ya?"

Robert remained as stoic as possible.

"Robert?" Aaron tried again, his tone ridden with fear, "Please say something. Please - "

"Ah Robert!"

Robert turned sharply, coming face to face with Doug. The four men now formed a block in the queue, closing in on him and he didn't know how to escape. The last thing he needed right now was more vitriol.

Doug scuffed his shoes on the floor, "Listen Robert lad… I er, I owe you an apology."

Robert blinked at him. He wasn't expecting that.

"For what I said yesterday," Doug continued, "About the trenches comment, it was insensitive. I understand you're in a shock and I'm sorry. I suppose I was just worried for Diane. You know?"

Robert nodded in acceptance, his eyes darting around nervously. The people, the noise, the claustrophobic atomsphere was becoming too much. It was choking him, squeezing on his throat until his lungs eventually burned out. Aaron still lingered awkwardly behind him.

As usual, Andy jumped in to do the talking.

"Thanks Doug." He said, thumping Robert on the back, "He – we appreciate it."

"If there's anything I can do…"

_Yeah, you can do one and leave me alone._

"We'll let you know." Andy said softly, his hand squeezing Robert's shoulder, as if he could, once again, read his mind. "Thanks again."

Unable to stand anymore of this farcical small talk, Robert barrelled past Doug, wrenching open the door. He stumbled outside, resting his palms on his knees, taking large gulps of air whilst his body shivered under the Winter chill.

"Robert?" A concerned voice poked in his ear, "You okay mate?"

He glanced up. David hovered over him, his hand wavering near Robert's arm, unsure whether to touch him or not.

David's eyes did a quick scan of his surroundings, "You here alone -?"

"Rob!" Andy rushed to his side, placing a reassuring hand on his back.

Robert squatted on the ground, his body trembling.

"What happened?" Andy cried.

"Nothing mate, I just found him like this!" David said, his voice stricken. "Is he – is he…?"

"Cold." Robert hissed, through clenched teeth. "So… cold…"

"You're cold?" Andy echoed, keeping his panic to a minimum. "Okay, let's get you home yeah?"

"Andy, is he okay?" Victoria shouted, running toward them.

Annie and Diane appeared beside them, slowly drawing a small crowd from the café.

"What's wrong with him?" Aaron asked, terrified. He crouched down in front of Robert, trying to peer into his eyes. "Hey? Robert? It's me…"

Robert just kept his gaze on the ground. His mind, too numb to focus on anything or anyone. But he heard them. The gossipmongers, their whispers buzzing around him like angry wasps.

"Right, everyone just back off yeah!" Aaron bellowed, in irritation, "Give him some space!"

"Get him to a chair lads." Annie ordered, her tone calm, yet firm.

Andy grabbed one arm, Aaron seized the other. Robert let himself get dragged to a small plastic chair. He could feel Aaron's fingers deliberately digging into his arm, trying to suss out just how emaciated he was.

Annie placed a loving hand on his cheek, "Love? Are you with us?"

Robert blinked.

"Come on love… come back to us…" Annie coaxed gently, stroking his wan cheek.

Robert broke away from his trance, staring into his grandmother's worried eyes. Slowly, he nodded, dropping his forehead onto his palm, he closed his eyes. The darkness was a welcome relief.

Maybe if he squeezed his eyes shut, hard enough, he could block out the voices. The noise. The world.

* * *

Say something. Aaron curled his fingers into his palm. Robert still sat on the chair, gazing into the distance, his eyes glassy and tired. He wanted to shake him, hug him, slap him - do anything to snap him out of this - this spell!

He watched as Andy and David, folded Robert into Doug's car. He should be the one doing that! He should be the one helping Robert! And yet... his legs wouldn't move. His whole body was rigid with shock.

Annie Sugden shuffled toward him and gently placed a withered hand on his arm. "Thank you for helping." She said, her eyes sad. "I can - you don't have to stay and watch this, Aaron love. I know this must be hard for you."

Aaron turned to her, his breathing emerging in short gasps. "I didn't help though did I." He said, his voice cracking. "I just - I just got him into a chair and -"

"And was there for him." Annie interrupted, frowning. She rubbed his hand, "Don't ever say you didn't help him. You've helped him the most."

She hurried back to the car, climbing in after her grandson. Aaron closed his eyes, swallowing over the aching lump in his throat.

Liv sidled up to him. "What's wrong with Robert?"

Aaron finally released a sigh. "I don't know Liv. I want to help but - he won't let me in. He keeps pushing me away."

"But hasn't said anything." Liv responded, her face pinching in confusion. "He just sort of... nods or shakes his head and then - just now, he's acting all weird -"

"Shut up!" Aaron snapped, panic fluttering in his chest, "He's not being weird. Don't call him that."

"Then what's going on Aaron?" Liv asked, her voice small, "And why does he look like the grim reaper?"

Aaron clenched his jaw, "Why aren't you at school?"

Liv narrowed her eyes at him, "If you think that by ignoring Robert's problems, it'll make you feel better - "

"Feel better?" Aaron echoed, his voice quiet with rage. "Nothing about this is making me feel better."

"But if you start cutting again -"

"Get to school Liv." Aaron growled, "Before I drag you there myself."

* * *

Robert felt the warm, haziness of sleep ebb away. He groaned, huddling under his thick duvet.

Where was he?

He peeled his eyes open, regonising the familiar interior of his room, back home. Sunlight streamed through the lilac curtains, his grandmother had hung up

Robert sighed, stretching his arms above his head.

What had happened?

He vaguely remembered the incident outside the café. He was in some kind of daze, refusing to eat or speak to anyone, so then they bundled him into Doug's car… where he must've fallen asleep. Someone had managed to get him upstairs and into bed without him breaking consciousness .

Feeling damp with sweat, Robert dragged himself out of bed, trudging downstairs. He could hear the frenzied whispers emerging from the kitchen.

"We knew he was upset, but we didn't think it would get this bad." Diane said grimly, her voice echoing toward him.

Carefully, he tiptoed across the living room, concealing himself behind the fireplace, he earwigged their conversation.

"Were you all walking around with your eyes shut?" Andy snapped.

"We thought he was upset because of the baby!" Diane replied, defensively.

"Where are they?" Annie asked, her voice dangerously low. "This little minx and her filthy family, dump on my grandson and none of them are prepared to take responsibility."

"From what I've heard, they've all cleared off somewhere. Shut up the house and just left." Victoria said quietly.

"Look, I know we shouldn't mention the baby at all." Annie said hesitantly. Robert's heartbeat quickened. "However, he is my great-grandchild. And yes… part of him will always be – that woman's. But part of him will always be Robert. A part of us. Don't we owe it to the poor lad – to both of them, Robert and the little one, to do right by them."

Robert let his head fall against the wall with a soft thud. No one heard. Why would they?

"That's all very well to say Annie," Diane said, exasperated, "But there's nothing we can do! We can't send sniffer dogs out there to track them down! Besides, Robert really isn't in any fit state to look after himself, let alone a baby!"

"She's right Gran." Andy said gravely, "You saw what he was like today. Bring a kid – that kid – into his life and we're just asking for a load of trouble!"

"So we're supposed to just sit back and let them get away with it?" Annie hissed.

"Maybe…" Victoria said tentatively, "Maybe we should call the police?"

"No!" The word fell from Robert's lips before he could stop himself. He whipped around the wall, into the kitchen, "No police."

"Robert!" Diane's eyes lit up. She rose from her seat, beckoning for him, "Come and sit down here love. I'll fix you some lunch. There's some soup we had, I can heat up…." She bustled about the kitchen, clearly grateful for the distraction.

"Did you all hear what I said?" Robert said loudly, sauntering to vacant chair, "I don't want the police involved okay? My head's messed up enough, without them lot adding to it!"

"No one's calling the police Rob." Andy said placidly, glaring at Victoria. "We were all just… talking. That's all."

"Behind my back." Robert murmured, folding his arms across his chest.

"You were asleep love." Annie responded simply. "Besides… we all know how much you hate facing facts."

"Gran!" Victoria snapped.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Robert shot out.

"Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?" Annie asked, her voice wavering, "Have you seen what you look like? Eh? Because I have. We all have! You look like something that's just been dug up from the cemetary!"

"Cheers Gran." Robert muttered sardonically. "You really know how to make a bloke feel special!"

"It's called tough love, lad." She growled. "And I'm about to rough you up, good and proper!"

"What do you want from me Gran?" Robert asked, through gritted teeth.

"There's a baby out there with your flesh and blood pumping through his veins!" Annie replied, her voice dangerously low. "And I worry that… if you let this slip through your fingers, you'll end up regretting it. I want you to think about that."

"There's nothing I can do Gran." Robert said, his tone hollow. "I don't know where they are and I don't want to know either! Good riddance! And anyway, why do you care about them? You hated them -!"

"Oh I don't give a toss about them!" Annie cried, "I give a toss about you, what this is doing to you and more importantly, what will happen to you if you're deprived of your child!"

Robert chuckled darkly, "I'll have to want the damn thing to feel deprived. Don't I?"

"Robert!" Victoria admonished, "How unkind!"

"Truth's truth." Robert mumbled.

"He didn't mean that Annie!" Diane said quickly, "He's still dealing with -"

Annie held up her hand, "I know. And I can overlook his behaviour. But that doesn't mean, we should give up."

Robert groaned, "Why are you doing this to me? I don't want the kid, so why should you? Who's going to raise it eh? Andy? Vic? You? Do me a favour!"

Andy leaned forward hopelessly, "Look guys maybe we should -"

"Robert, five years ago, you brought that Chrissie woman to visit me." Annie said, her voice like steel. "I offered her the best room, cooked a four course meal, treated her with all the love I would a future granddaughter-in-law. And do you know what?" She addressed the whole room now, "She couldn't even manage a genuine smile. It was all false simpering and pandering, making snide remarks about my cooking. She had her hands all over Robert! Claiming to know him better than me - !"  
"All right Gran, what's your point?" Robert snapped.

"They tried to turn you into a different person." She said, her voice melancholy. "And we all saw it."  
Andy looked at his hands.

"Like forcing you to eat steak when you wanted bangers and mash." Diane added, shaking her head in disdain.

"I know." Robert whispered, remembering the tremendous effort he had to put into that family. Every morning, every meal, it all felt like a performance.

Then Aaron crashed into his life.

_'_ _I met you and you changed everything.'_

"But I don't understand what you want from me now?" Robert asked, his voice cracking.

"Well, I don't want your child growing up in that psychotic family!" Annie said firmly, "I've made my feelings perfectly clear on the matter. He's a Sugden and he should be here, with us."

Robert released a long held sigh, rubbing his forehead, trying to ease his brewing anger. "Look Gran… I understand why you want the – kid here. But this baby… it isn't going to fix anything. It isn't going to make me better. Every time I look at it, I'll just see her. And what she's done to me. I have a load of blood relatives out there who have ignored me for most of my life. One more won't hurt."

Annie glanced at Victoria who gave her a warning look. She sighed, "All right Robert. If that's how you feel - "

"It is." He interjected curtly.

Diane silently pushed a steaming bowl of creamy soup toward him. Robert picked up a spoon and dipped it into the soup, slurping softly.

It was easier. Eating liquids.

The kitchen was silent for a good ten minutes. The only sound was the clink of Robert's spoon against the bowl, the steady ticking of the clock and the occasional groans from the boiler upstairs.

Finally, Andy plucked up the courage to speak. "We should er – we should go out tonight. If you're feeling up to it Rob."

Robert paused, his spoon halfway to his mouth, "Where?"

"Woolie." Andy replied, his tone light. "Thought we should celebrate."

Robert stared at him. "You've lost me."

"And you've forgotten." Annie said, her eyes down. "It's the twenty-seventh of November today."

It took a while for the meaning to hit home. Robert let his spoon fall with a clatter. "Dad's birthday." He whispered.

"His seventieth." Victoria sniffed, her eyes glistening.

"We should've been having a big party." Diane said, her voice small. "Instead… all we have are the memories."

"They're good memories." Annie reassured, patting her hand.

Robert felt a swell of emotions in his chest. Guilt, shame, love, hate, despair, grief…

His finger traced his name, on the corner of the table, forever etched into the wood.

**_Love, Robert._ **

Twenty-six years to the day he'd done this. For his Dad. A symbol of how much he loved him.

Once upon a time.

Robert wiped a stray tear away from his eye. He didn't want to leave the house again. Not after everything that had happened this morning. The last thing he needed was to sit and smile and listen to them go on and on about his Dad.

But he caught his sister's face, twisted in sadness and he felt his own heart clench. She hero worshipped their Dad. They all did.

Robert cleared his throat. "Okay." He said, his voice bland. "Let's go to the Woolpack. We'll have a drink for Dad."

* * *

_They say there's a time for everything. A time to love, a time to hate, a time to be born and a time to die. But what do you do when you know that time is coming? And you can't stop it. Because you don't want to._

"Hey! What are you writing in there?" Victoria asked, shuffling into her seat.

Robert snapped his notebook shut. "Er, nothing just… just doodling." He said, fidgeting with his jacket sleeve. He knew Aaron was on the other side of the bar, throwing darts with Adam, and as usual, pretending not to notice him.

Victoria frowned, "You never used to do that."

Robert shrugged, tracing an invisible mark on the table with his pen lid, "Maybe I've changed."

She gave him a curious look but didn't say anything. Andy and Diane returned to the table with their drinks. Andy pushed a glass of coke toward him, "There y'are. Get that down ya!"

Robert narrowed his eyes, "Seriously?"

"You need the sugar." Victoria said, waving her finger at him. "Don't fuss."

"And I even got you a straw too!" Andy said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"What am I, five years old?" Robert grumbled.

"Just drink it." Andy ordered, giving him a nudge.

Gritting his teeth, Robert pulled his glass toward him, sucking in the carbonated fizz. The bubbles danced in his throat, prompting his heart to beat faster.

"You all right love?" Diane asked, resting her hand on his arm.

Robert nodded, keeping his eyes down.

Annie emerged from the ladies room, her nose wrinkled. "Someone should really give those toilets a good scrub! Henry and Amos would be turning in their graves if they saw what had become of this place."

Annie settled next to Robert and picked up her G&T, her expression melting into sadness. "Right. I suppose as Jack's mother, I ought to say a few words." Annie said, her voice quivering. "Seventy years ago… I had a baby boy. He was a bonny lad. A lot like you Robert." She chuckled lightly.

Robert didn't smile back. He was too aware of the atmosphere in the pub, which had suddenly become a lot quieter. Annie's voice held a strong presence, which drew everyone's attention away from their own worlds… and into theirs.

"Anyway… Jack was a free spirit when he was younger." Annie continued, "I fought with him a lot. Mainly about the running of the farm. He didn't want to stay. He wanted to go off and see the world, travel, write, explore his life."

Robert dug his hand in his jacket pocket, his fingers curling onto his father's old shirt button.

"But he always came back to Emmerdale Farm." Annie said, a smile gracing her lips, "It was in his blood. His soul. Just like it's in yours Robert. Something always keeps calling you back here, doesn't it?"

Robert's face burned in humiliation. He didn't dare glance over at Aaron, for fear of what he might see.

"I know he'd be so proud of you boys taking over the farm again. And I can't think of a better way to celebrate his seventieth birthday, than in here. The Woolpack, the place he loved to drink, with the people he loved. And the farm he loved, ready to spring back to life again, with his two sons at the helm, working side by side at last!"

Diane picked up her glass, her eyes shining, "Happy Birthday Jack!" She chanted.

"Happy Birthday Jack!" Zak boomed, from across the pub.

One by one, all of his father's old friends raised their own glasses, chorusing, "Happy Birthday Jack!"

"Happy Birthday son." Annie said quietly, sipping her drink.

"Happy Birthday Dad." Andy and Victoria mumbled.

All eyes flicked to Robert.

He felt them all watching him. Their sharp gazes, searing into his flesh, just waiting for him to sneer or pout.

They wanted a show? He could give them one.

Robert picked up his coca-cola and slowly rose to his feet, one hand still plowed in his pocket.

"Rob?" Andy hissed.

Robert ignored him. He raised his glass mid-air, his fingers running over the smooth button.

"Happy Birthday Dad." He said, his voice utterly deadpan. He then took a long gulp. Then another. And another. Until he was left with an empty glass and a soggy slice of lemon, slumped against the ice cubes.

Robert slammed his glass on the table, wiped his mouth with his jacket sleeve, then kicked Andy's legs out of the way so he could move past.

Robert barrelled out of the double doors, his head spinning. Once outside, he was able to take several deep breaths, trying to rid the dull ache in his chest.

"Happy Birthday Dad." He whispered, his voice breaking in the chilly, bleak, Winter night.

Tears pricked his eyes as he gazed up at the dark sky. A rain drop fell upon his cheek. He closed his eyes, as another hit his forehead. Then another dripped down his nose.

One by one the droplets fell, like tiny bullets.

And he took the hit.

That's what Robert Sugden always did. Take the hit. Two years ago he stood outside, near this very spot and took a bullet his brother had sent for him.

Now, he stood here, his spirit broken and bruised, taking the tears from the sky.

"You crying for me Dad?" Robert spat, his jaw shuddering in suppressed anger and pain. "Is this you weeping for me eh? Weeping at the mess I've become - ?"

"Robert? Who are you talking to?"

* * *

It was one of the first things he noticed about Robert. Ever since he came back to Emmerdale, it was something Aaron had picked up on… and loved.

The way Robert was able to just… command a room. He was like a magnet and everyone was drawn toward him, vying for his attention. Aaron definitely did. How many times had he sat in this pub, begging for just one smile, one nod, one glance off Robert?

And when he was lucky enough to get one, he'd smile secretly to himself, locking away the image in his mind, in his heart. There were moments when the stolen glances between the two of them were so charged, Aaron had to actually leave the room, shaking in excitement.

Now, he watched as his ex-lover once again commanded the room. After writhing in despair throughout his grandmother's speech, he stood up slowly and raised a glass. His 'Happy Birthday Dad,' was about as enthusiastic as Charity pulling a pint.

Robert was clearly battling two very strong emotions in his head. Love and hate. Aaron could see it, in every twitch of the eye, in every tense of the jaw, in every intake of breath. He knew those details.

_'_ _Maybe I know you better than you think. Maybe I'm the only one who knows you at all.'_

Robert pushed past Andy and scampered out of the pub. Andy made a move to follow him, but his grandmother – Annie – grabbed his arm, shaking her head.

Good. Give him some space.

Space…

Aaron slyly left his pint on the bar, slipping off his stool, he manuvered past Paddy and Adam.

Taking a deep breath, he scurried through the doors, before his mother noticed and called him back.

Pinpricks of rain were falling from the sky. Aaron lifted his hood up, scanning the area for Robert.

"Is this you weeping for me eh?"

Aaron's head snapped toward the voice. Robert stood by the wall, hands in his pockets, yelling at the sky, "Weeping at the mess I've become -?"

"Robert?" Aaron ran towards him, "Who are you talking to?"

* * *

_to be continued..._

 

 


	17. A Time To Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for the delay! Just a quick DISCLAIMER: This chapter deals with a very sensitive issue so please read at your own discretion.
> 
> And on with the story... buckle up guys, this one's a bumpy ride!

Robert coughed, droplets of rain spluttering from his lips. His heart kicked against his chest.

Aaron tried to touch his arm, but he wrenched it away. "Go away Aaron!" He barked.

Aaron shook his head, "No. No I'm not leaving ya! Not in this state."

Robert narrowed his eyes, "Oh I see. So you and your lot have no problem telling me to do one, but when I ask it of you, you're not gonna do it?"

Aaron glanced away, chewing on his lip, collecting himself. He tried again. "Robert, let's go back to – back to mine yeah? Get you out of the rain?"

The very thought of returning to The Mill twisted his stomach into a tight knot.

"My Dad built that place, you know." He said, his voice bland.

Aaron frowned, "Sorry, what?"

"My Dad." Robert repeated emphatically. "When he came back to Emmerdale…must've been about twenty-five years old. He took an old mill and made it into a house, or flat or whatever. Then he was gonna live there with my Mum." His voice shook. Whether it was the rain, or cold, or his own anxiety pulsing through his body, he didn't know. "My real Mum. Pat. The one that died on me."

"Okay Robert, let's get you -"

"And I was supposed to live there with him. My Dad." Robert continued, as if he hadn't heard. "My sister Sandie then lived there instead, with her husband. They split up, around 1991. I don't know where she is now…"

Aaron opened his mouth but couldn't say anything. He was too shocked. Robert barely mentioned his real mother or her family and Aaron never pushed him. Now, here he was, casually tossing out their names as if it were nothing.

But it meant everything.

"Right – so er… why didn't your Dad live there with you?" Aaron asked gently, his own teeth chattering against the cold.

Robert sniffed. "Emmerdale Farm kept calling him back. Just like it's done for me."

"Is that why you bought it?" Aaron asked, his tone sharpening. "To prove some kind of point? To your Dad?"

Robert sighed, droplets of rain dripping off his nose. "I'm too tired to prove a point. I just want to be left alone, in my old home."

"So you move Andy in?" Aaron hissed, before he could stop himself.

Robert glanced at him. "He's my brother Aaron. You've got Liv, your Mum, Paddy, Adam and half the bloody village to rally round you! I need to cling onto the threads of family I actually have left! Because most of them – most of them are lying six feet under in that cemetary over there! So yeah. I've moved Andy in. And we're gonna make the farm work, so what?"

Aaron pursed his lips, nodding. "Right. So is that why you sold your shares in the scrapyard and Home James? And your car? Everything you've worked for! So you can play farmer?"

"Yeah." Robert replied, his voice calm. "That's exactly why I did it."

"Robert you hate farming!" Aaron stated emphatically, "You told me so yourself!"

Robert shrugged. "Maybe I don't have a choice…"

Aaron gaped at him. "What does that even mean? Robert what the hell's happening to you - ?"

"Nothing!" Robert snapped, "I'm just trying to get on with my life! Look, what does it matter to you if I want to work on a farm? It's… it's who I am."

"Where is all this coming from?" Aaron asked, desperation rife in his voice.

"Forget it." Robert replied, gruffly, "You wouldn't understand!"

"So talk to me about it! Robert - !" Aaron tried to grab his shoulder but Robert backed away, staring at Aaron, wide eyed.

"Why won't you let me touch you?" Aaron asked, his voice shredding.

"I'm not yours to touch." Robert responded, his voice quiet. He didn't mean for it to sound harsh but he heard the way his words twisted themselves in the cold, damp, air. And he caught the raw pain glistening in Aaron's eyes.

Damn it. He'd done it again. This is why he was better at keeping his mouth shut!

Robert sighed, his tone softening, "Come on. Isn't this what you wanted? For us to live separate lives? Don't make it harder for yourself Aaron."

Aaron sucked in a sharp breath. Robert almost apologised – out of habit… then stopped himself. He had nothing to apologise for, he was done saying sorry.

"I never wanted this!" Aaron spat. "Look at ya!" His eyes roamed over Robert's thin torso, straining through his soaking t-shirt.

Why? Robert wanted to scream. Why now? Why do you only care when I'm on the verge of tearing myself into pieces? You never bothered before!

"Leave me alone Aaron." Robert said, his tone lifeless. "Go back inside. Go back home and play with your VR set, I don't care, just leave me the hell alone!"

Aaron wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "I can't do that Robert, you know I can't." He said, his tone escalating into hysteria.

Robert stared at him. "You just don't get it do you? I don't know anything anymore!" He yelled, jabbing at his temple, "You see eveything in here? It's messed up!"

Aaron clenched his teeth in panic. "Okay, so let's go inside somewhere and talk about it!"

"I'm fine out here thanks." Robert said, his voice brittle. He lifted his head up to the heavens, relishing the fresh water seeping into his skin. "God I love the rain. Forgot how much. My Dad and Uncle Joe used to pray for it to rain. Must be a farmers thing." He absently kicked at a stone near his feet, "You know I really let myself change while I was away. Forgot who I was."

Aaron took a tentative step toward him, his wet face creased with compassion, "I know who you are." He said firmly.

Robert turned to face Aaron, watching the rain trickle down his face, dripping off his chin. And the memory struck him again.

It had been hammering down with rain that night, sixteen years ago, when he, Andy, Katie, Donna and three others, stood on the side of a layby, gazing down at their headteacher's body.

They'd sloped off to a barn, stricken with horror and shock, to pull themselves together and conspire a plan to conceal their stupidity.

A plan which he had formed. Always the ringleader. Always the mastermind.

He remembered standing in the barn, addressing them all. Fifteen years old and splashing out of his depth.

_'_ _We killed someone. And right now… I wish I'd never been born.'_

"Robert?" Aaron peered into his face, his tone laced with panic.

Robert shook his head, his throat aching. "You really don't know me Aaron. And you should count yourself lucky. Everyone I ever… I ever cared about has ended up hurt or dead."

Aaron shook his head vigourosly, "Robert listen to me, look at me - "

"Just trust me!" He growled, "I'm not good for you. Okay? I'm not, I'm – I'm just poison."

Aaron swallowed his tears, still shaking his head, denial possessing every inch of his body. "No!"

One final push.

"I'm poison." Robert repeated, hammering the final nail, "And I can infect my own life, God knows I've had thirty-one years of it! But I will not stand here and contaminate you anymore."

"Robert please don't do this to us." Aaron whimpered, rainwater, mixed with tears, streaming down his cheeks.

Robert narrowed his eyes into small slits, "Us?" He echoed, "No Aaron. There is no us! There's me. There's you. And… that's it."

Aaron shook his head, his hands clenching and unclenching, "You don't mean that."

"I do." Robert said firmly, watching Aaron's face crease in shock. "You said you wanted to be apart. Well… you got your wish mate. I want no part of this!'

He tried to sidle past but Aaron blocked him. "No Robert! I'm not letting you leave that easily!" He growled.

"What are you gonna do?" Robert challenged, a dirty smirk playing about his lips, "Threaten to kick my door in?"

Aaron nibbled on his lip, his eyes glazed with anger. "So you were listening? I knew it!"

"Yeah, so what if I was?" Robert shot back, "You really think that standing outside my house, shouting up at me like some deranged Romeo and then battering down my door was gonna get you anywhere? Still always thinking with your fists. You'll never learn."

"Oh what, would you prefer me to drug an old man instead?" Aaron countered back acidly.

Robert squeezed his eyes shut.

"Oh God…" Aaron groaned, "Robert I'm - "

"No!" Robert hissed, "This is exactly the problem Aaron! Don't you see? It's an endless cycle where we just keep hurting each other! Everyone was right."

"Robert please shut up!" Aaron begged, his voice strained, "You don't know what you're saying, you're - !"

"You know what I wish." Robert interrupted, his voice caressed with bitterness. "I wish I had been in the barn that night. Seventeen years ago. When Andy set fire to it."

Aaron gasped, his eyes widening in utter shock. "Why would you wish for something like that?" He asked in a strangled voice, trying to mask the fear and… pain. Pain that he felt for the man in front of him.

Robert's breathing grew heavier, "Because - because that's when all the shit fell onto my lap and into my life!" He spluttered. "If you want to pinpoint a moment. That'll be it."

Aaron's face crumpled. "Robert, come here." He whispered, grabbing Robert by the waist, but was pushed away.

"No, no! I don't need your sympathy." Robert said, his tone harsh.

Aaron narrowed his eyes, "You know it's more than sympathy. Robert, you  _know_!"

Robert eyed him, wondering if he should say anything or just walk away. Luckily, he was saved from answering by the shrill scream of his sister.

"Robert!" Victoria ran toward him, whipping off her own coat, she wrapped it around him, "Look at ya! You're freezing!"

"I'm not!" Robert bit back. Nevertheless, he allowed her to lead him back to the pub.

"Took you lot long enough to realise he'd gone!" Aaron jeered, unable to stop himself.

"Shut up Aaron!" Victoria snapped, "Can't you see he's upset?"

Without waiting for an answer, she shoved her brother back inside the pub. Aaron stood outside, letting the rain soak through his hair, his skin, his clothes… his soul…

_Can't you see he's upset?_

"I'm the only one who ever can." He said, his voice ridden with sadness.

* * *

Robert sat in his living room by the fire, cuddled into an old sweatshirt. He threaded his fingers through the handle of his warm cup of tea, gazing into the flickering amber flames. His grandmother watched him through weary eyes.

"You look exhausted love." She said gently. "Why don't you go on off to bed. I'll lock up down here and be up shortly anyway."

"Where's Andy?" Robert asked, in a daze.

Annie sighed, resting her cup down. "He went to bed hours ago love. Victoria and Diane have gone back to the village. We've been sat here since we got back from the pub, trying to dry you off and you haven't said a word. To anyone."

Robert blinked. His eyes blurring, from staring into the flames for too long. "Gran… tell me about my real Mum." He asked, his tone strained.

Annie's face twisted in confusion, "Why? You've never asked before."

"Well I'm asking now." Robert responded, thinly irritated.

Annie raised her brow. "Well, her and your Auntie Janie were childhood friends with your father and Uncle Joe."

Auntie Janie. Oh yes. Another forgotten relative.

"And your father and mother grew very close when they were teenagers." Annie shifted akwardly in her seat. "Er… very clo – have you read your father's book? Most of the – details are in there."

Robert almost smirked. "Have you read the book?"

"I asked you first." Annie countered primly.

Robert shook his head, biting down a laugh. The first one in a long time. "Not yet Gran."

Annie dusted a bit of fluff off her armchair. "Yes well… I read it after your father died. It helped me feel close to him."

Robert's breathing hitched. How alike they were…

"Your mother and father didn't have an easy time of it. And I admit, I didn't help matters." Annie muttered, ashamed. "Your father got your mother into trouble but she never told him. He took off for a tour around Europe. So she had to pass the baby off as a Merrick!"

"Jackie." Robert whispered. His brother's name falling from his lips like a prayer.

"Worst decision she could've made." Annie shook her head. "But there's no point dwelling on all that now. Your parents found each other again and married. And then found out they were expecting you!" She patted his knee fondly. "They were so thrilled! We all were. None of us thought your mother could have anymore children, it was a miracle!"

Robert scoffed. "Of course it was."

He'd been called a lot of things in his life. Miracle? What a joke.

"You were." Annie said, lowering her tone. "They thought the world of you. And your mother was a wonderful, kind person. She had the sweetest spirit I ever knew. And she was so proud of you Robert!"

"How?" Robert asked, his voice small, "She only knew me for four months."

"And the nine months she carried you?" Annie countered softly, "Kept you safe from the world? Your flesh and blood a part of hers? What's not to be proud of?"

Robert's lips trembled. "Did she – was she okay giving birth to me or…?"

Annie chortled, "I don't know any woman who's ever 'okay' giving birth – but… after it was over. She couldn't take her eyes off you. Wrapped you in a yellow blanket and cuddled you close to her heart. You two were inseparable."

"Until we were separated. In the end." Robert said, his voice vibrating.

A shadow crossed over Annie's face. "Yes. That was horrific. You certainly have had your share of tragedy lad. No one can deny that."

"Am I cursed Gran?" Robert asked, the words tumbling from his lips.

"You what?" Annie gasped, "Don't be so stupid!"

"Uncle Joe spoke of the curse of the Sugdens!" Robert fired out, his temple throbbing.

Annie waved her hand dismissively, "Your Uncle Joe always had a flare for the dramatics! Why are you torturing yourself with this – this nonsense?"

"Oh just look at us Gran!" Robert snapped, "Look at all our family, look at the mess we've become! If we keep going as we are… family dinners will be taking place in the cemetery - !"

"Robert!"

"It's true!" Robert clapped a palm to his forehead, "My mother…"

"Died in a car crash Robert." Annie said quietly. "She swerved to avoid a flock of sheep. Tragic. But these things, they just happen."

Robert took a deep breath, closing his eyes…

"You know… your cousins Sam and Sally… they were just three years old when the car they were in, stalled on a train track." Annie said, her voice laden with despair.

Robert opened his eyes, lifting his head, he observed his grandmother. "Yeah, I – I know. I heard Dad telling Mum about it once. Must've been tough for you Gran."

"It was. Very tough." She cleared her throat, "But look. Here I am. Sitting with you. I didn't give up all hope or… shut myself away from the world. I carried on. I always carry on. You know that."

Robert shook his head, "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment Gran."

"Who says you are?" Annie asked, frowning.

Robert shrugged, "I just… I just am. I always keep messing everything up. No matter how hard I try, I always end up letting people down. Like tonight… I know you think I behaved rudely, back at the pub. Ruining Dad's birthday…."

"I'm not here to scold you lad." Annie said, her voice kind. "I can tell you're not in a good place."

"Yeah. That's what Aaron thinks too." Robert said, his tone emerging a little harsh.

"So what did you say to him?" Annie asked, her curiositiy piqued. "When I caught a glimpse of him as we left… he looked very upset. Poor lad. Like he was crying."

"That was the rain." Robert said, his voice hollow.

Annie raised her brow, "Robert Jacob?"

Robert heaved a sigh. "For God's sake… I just told him the truth."

"Which is?"

"That he's better off without me." Robert replied, his teeth clenching. A searing pain shot through his lung. He tried not to show the discomfort on his face, lest his grandmother worry.

It was Annie's turn to sigh. "Do you really believe that Robert?"

Robert nodded, taking small breaths. "Yeah. Yeah I really do!"

"Then you really are an idiot!" Annie huffed.

Robert glared at her, "Thanks Gran, cheer me up why don't you." He said sourly.

Annie patted his knee, leaning closer to him. When she spoke, her tone was softer and full of love. "Look darling. I know you're hurting. And when you hurt, you push people away. But please don't push him away. Or me. Or your sister or brother or anyone else."

Robert swallowed, his eyes stinging. "I'm not pushing anyone away Gran." He slammed his cup down on the coffee table. Clutching his hip, he struggled to rise to his feet. Annie lurched forward to help him but he waved her back down, "I'm fine! Honestly, I wish everyone just would stop fussing!"

"We fuss because we care!" Annie chided.

Yeah right. Was it care or guilt? That's what Robert couldn't fathom.

"Don't bother caring about me Gran!" Robert growled, hobbling towards the staircase, "It'll all just end badly! It always does."

* * *

Aaron let his forehead rest against the cool glass window, his heart heavy. His thumb ran over his bare ring finger. The fifth time, that night. He couldn't sleep. His encounter with Robert kept playing over and over in his mind, on some kind of loop. Every time he closed his eyes, Robert's beautiful, tortured face was there, yelling at him to go away.

_"_ _I'm not good for you. Okay? I'm not, I'm – I'm just poison."_

Aaron groaned, digging his fingers into his palm, he stalked back to the bed. He sat on Robert's side, a tear meandering down his cheek. Even though they hadn't slept together in months… he still curled up on the empty space. God, he missed him. He missed him so much he couldn't breathe. Even now… it felt as if he were struggling for breath…

* * *

_They say there's a time for everything. A time to love, a time to hate, a time to be born and a time to die. But what do you do when you know that time is coming? And you can't stop it. Because you don't want to._

Robert placed his notebook beside his bed. He neatly folded his sheets into place, dusting down his pillows, ignoring the heavy compressions in his chest.

He knew what was happening. And didn't want to stop it. He didn't yell. Or call for help.

Frankly, he was tired. Too tired of fighting.

Robert smoothed down a crease on the bedsheet. Ever the perfectionist, right to the bitter end. He was born in this bed. In this room. In this house.

Talk about full circle.

He knew what he had to do. Was he going to snuggle into bed and wait out a heart attack? No. He had to induce it quickly. Get it over with. Just remove himself from everyone's life.

It was better this way.

Depsite what they all say… his mother died because of him. He must've been the curse, the jonah. What was it Aaron had said?

_'_ _All roads lead back to you.'_

Then he had been chucked out of the Mill. Homeless, distressed and alone again. And no one seemed to notice or care. It took the woman who had torn his whole life down with her bare hands, to admit to essentially raping him, in order for people to even give a damn.

Once he'd locked himself away in this house, he thought it would be enough to save him. It wasn't. The demons were inside his head, gnawing away at his memories until he couldn't take it anymore.

All roads did indeed lead back to him. Andy's life was wrecked because of him. Katie, a girl he loved with all his fragile heart once upon a time, was dead because of him! Aaron self-harmed again and nearly died because of him. Liv's stable life was now shattered, thanks to him. Diane only cared about her precious Jack and his false memory, never about Robert, not really. Victoria… chose Rebecca over him. Just because she wanted a part of their Dad? What a load of crap!

Then there was his grandmother who was tirelessly trying to 'save him' when she should be looking after her own health. Maybe she was just doing it for his Dad's sake too. That's all anyone cared about these days. A dead man's memory.

Well… if that's how it goes…

Robert absently rifled through his wardrobe and found an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt he used to wear when he was still living in the pub. He put them both on, pushing the images of Aaron and Liv out of his clouded mind.

Finally, he shrugged into his denim jacket, still damp from the abuse of rain. His fingers found his Dad's old button, still safe in the pocket.

He'd written his book, all about the Sugdens. It was saved on his computer for... whoever to find. And as for Bobby J. Sugden?

This was his chapter. His final one.

Robert lurched into the bathroom, casually turning on the cold tap for the bath tub. He stared at his reflection in the grimy mirror, his eyes soulless and dead. Heart still prickling in pain, Robert took a deep breath, shutting off the tap. All was still. Except for the steady drip of stray water.

_'_ _Just go Robert.'_

Robert climbed into the bath tub, biting down on his lip to stop himself from screaming out in shock.

The icy cold water stung his, already fragile skin. He slipped down, further into the bath, allowing the water to immerse his entire body, soaking through his clothes.

Robert let his head fall back with a thump, against the porcelain tub, his teeth chattering.

He could feel it slowly happening.

His whole body tensing, then jackknifing… his chest growing heavier and heavier. Robert released a strangled groan as he slid further into the water, carbon dioxide struggling to escape from his lungs. His fingers curled into themselves. Black spots danced around his eyes…

Robert heard someone knocking on the bathroom door. A voice calling for him.

With bleary eyes he rolled his head toward the door … his mind growing numb…

_'_ _You drive. Drive until you're far away from here and you don't come back.'_

"Dad…" He slurred, water seeping into his ears.

The door burst open.

Drowsiness claimed him, his vision melting into black.

This was his chapter. His final one.

* * *

Annie climbed the steps to her old room. Well, it was Robert's room now. The thought still bemused her. Her grandson owning Emmerdale Farm! Things had indeed come full circle.

The room was the main bedroom and was further away from the rest of the house, with its own door and staircase. She knew that she should've knocked before coming in but… she had a strange feeling. Her grandson was living in a private hell and didn't seem to want to get out of it. She had to talk to him and find out what was going on inside that head of his.

She reached the top of the staircase. "Robert I wanted to…"

He wasn't there. His bed was neatly made. Yet the wardrobe was open, clothes spilling onto the floor. 

Frowning, she shuffled into the room, picking over his laundry, "Robert love?"

A small squeak emerged from the bathroom. He must be in there. She knocked softly on the bathroom door, "Robert love, I… I'm sorry about earlier."

Silence.

Annie wrung her hands in agitation, "I just… I want to know what I can do to help. You seem to think that the whole world is out to get you and that's not true."

Silence.

"Robert?" She called out, her voice cautious.

Silence.

A cold, wet, panic suddenly gripped Annie's heart. Intuition was always her strength and she hated it. Annie grappled with the door handle. "Robert!" She yelled, pawing at the door. It wouldn't open. Giving the door a hard shove, she stumbled into the bathroom.

Her heart almost gave way, then and there.

Robert. Her darling boy… lay fully clothed in the bathtub, submerged underwater. His head bobbed upon the surface, about to dip under.

"Oh Robert." Annie whimpered in shock, rushing toward him. "No, no darling, it's okay, you're all right!" She fished him out of the water, clutching his waterlogged frame, she tried to haul him out of the tub. "That's it love, you come to me!" She couldn't lift him.

He was too heavy.

How though? She used to carry him in her arms… such a tiny baby. Now she couldn't even lift him out of a sodding bathtub! The very one she used to bathe him in…

Annie tried to keep his head up, her voice cracking, "Come on love, it's all right. You're all right."

His face was a pale white, his lips turning blue. Frantically, she pressed two fingers to his cold, damp neck. A weak pulse beat against her fingertips. She cried out in relief, peppering kisses onto her grandson's forehead. "That's it! You hang in there lad!"

Annie used what little strength she had to keep him upright, tilting his head back so he could breathe.

"Andy!" She shrieked, knowing it was futile. He was sleeping on the other end of the house. Nevertheless she powered up her lungs and screamed, "Andy! Call 999!"

* * *

_to be continued..._


	18. The Blame Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for all the reviews from the last chapter! Sorry this one took so long but it's a long chapter! Enjoy and please let me know what you think!

 

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

"Come on Rob!" Andy cried, through gritted teeth as he pounded on his brother's chest, "Damn it Brother! I came back for you! You come back for me!"

A strangled cough emerged from Robert's throat. He spluttered water all over himself, groaning, panting, gasping for air.

Andy sighed in mild relief, "Come on Rob…"

Annie hobbled into the bathroom, two paramedics trailing closely behind her. Her face ashen, eyes glazed in terror, she merely gestured to her grandson lying in a puddle on the bathroom floor.

"He's – he's coughing…" Andy said gruffly.

The male paramedic gently shoved Andy out of the way, "Move. Let us work!"

Andy stood up, wiping his trembling hands on his pjamas. Luckily he had been on his way downstairs to fetch a glass of water. That's when he heard his grandmother's panicked scream. He'd skidded into Robert's bathroom, yelling out in shock before hauling his brother out of the tub and onto the floor.

Andy and Annie watched helplessly as an unconscious Robert was lifted onto a stretcher and carried downstairs.

"What's happening?" Andy asked, breathing heavily.

"He's suffered a heart attack! We need to get him to the hospital as soon as possible!" The male paramedic said urgently, fixing Robert onto a gurney and wheeling him out of the house. 

Andy exchanged a shocked glance with Annie. "Eh?" He gasped, chasing them down the driveway. "Heart attack!"

"That can't be! He's thirty-one!" Annie shrilled.

The paramedics bundled Robert into the ambulance, exchanging their own suspicious looks.

"You said you found him?" The female paramedic asked Annie, her voice soft.

"He – he was in the bath. Fully clothed as you can see. I came in and – and he… was just lying in the bath all still…" Annie sniffed, tears prickling her eyes.

Andy enveloped her in a hug. "Shh, it's okay Gran, he's in safe hands now."

"Can I go with him?" Annie asked, her voice small.

The female paramedic nodded kindly. "Of course. But we can only take one of you I'm afraid."

Andy gripped onto Annie, "Gran, you go with Rob! I'll call Vic and Diane… let them know what's happened, then I'll follow you lot to the hospital yeah?"

Still shaking, Annie nodded, taking the paramedics hand, she clambered into the ambulance.

The doors were just about to close when she called out, "And Aaron! Let him know too!"

Andy frowned, "Gran, I don't think - ?"

"Call him." She ordered, her voice firmer, "Or ask Victoria to go round there and wake him up! Tell her to bang on the door, all night if she has to! He's got a right to hear this from us and not through the gossip mill tomorrow morning!"

The doors slammed shut before Andy could protest further.

Annie gazed upon her grandson, strapped to a stretcher, an oxygen mask trapped across his face. She sighed, taking his limp hand in hers, "It's all right Robert love. Despite what you say… I know he's still family and he should be treated as such."

* * *

Thump, thump, thump!

Aaron groaned, lifting himself off the couch. "All right!" He yelled, limping to the door. He wrenched it open, blinking himself awake. Victoria stood on his doorstep in her dressing gown, keeping her back to him as she muttered into her phone, "Yeah – okay just – just let me know when-"

"Vic?"

Victoria spun toward him, her eyes glistening. Aaron straightened up, alert. An icy fear shivered down his spine.

"Andy – Aaron's just opened the door. I have to go, call you later." Victoria hung up, shaking her head slowly.

"What's happened?" Aaron whispered, his lip trembling.

"It's Robert." Victoria replied, her tone quiet. "He's been taken to hospital."

Aaron sucked in a sharp breath, his heart clenching. "What's he done?" He asked, his voice tight, the tears already kerbed behind his eyes.

Victoria frowned, "Done? He hasn't done anything Aaron! He's – he's had some kind of heart attack!"

"Heart attack?" Aaron echoed in surprise, "But – I - I don't - "

"I know!" Victoria interrupted, squeezing her eyes shut, "I don't get it either! Andy just rang and told me he'd had a heart attack and was on his way to hospital. Look, my Gran's gone with Robert in the ambulance, Andy's followed them there and – and we just thought you had the right to know what's happened. Well…. she did. My Gran, she thought you should hear it from us."

Aaron didn't know how to respond. He just nodded, in a daze. "Er – right well… tell her thanks…I…"

Victoria sniffed, wiping her eyes with her palms, "Yeah. Look we're er – me and Diane are gonna go to the hospital now so… if you want to come with us - "

"Yeah." The word fell from Aaron's lips. He grabbed his jacket and slammed the door behind him.

"What will you say to Liv?" Victoria asked, as they marched toward Diane's car.

"I'll text her." Aaron replied curtly, shoving his hands in his pockets. "But…I don't know how I'm gonna explain it though."

"Let's just find out what's going on." Victoria said, her voice escalating in irritation. "You know, I'm getting really sick of hearing everything second hand!"

* * *

Andy paced the cramped waiting area of the A&E like an anxious cat, his hand running over the back of his head.

"Please sit down love." Annie sighed, her hands clutching onto Robert's denim jacket. "You're making me nervous!"

Andy rolled his eyes, "What do you want me to do Gran?"

The double doors to the hospital slid open, Victoria, Diane and Aaron raced towards them.

"Andy! Gran!" Victoria cried, throwing herself into Andy's arms. Aaron hung back, his hands clenching and unclenching.

"What's happening? Is Robert all right?" Diane asked in a fluster.

Andy took a deep breath, his jaw twitching, "He er – he suffered a heart attack. They've managed to stabalise him but it's touch and go."

"Where is he now?" Diane asked.

"They're seeing to him." Andy said, thumbing over his shoulder.

"A heart attack though?" Victoria said frowning, "That doesn't make sense, he's too young! Does he have some kind of condition? Did they say anything?"

Andy shuffled his feet in agitation, "The paramedics reckon that he suffered a heart attack due to starvation of the body. His organs were starting to shut down."

"I knew it!" Victoria hissed, "I knew we should've been – I don't know, forcing him to eat more!"

Andy rubbed her shoulder, "Hey come on. Don't blame yourself Vic."

"No? Then who am I to blame?" She snapped.

"Don't start at me!" Andy countered, taken aback.

"You're the one that was with him twenty-four-seven." Aaron interjected, his temper prickling, "You knew he wasn't eating. So why didn't you get him to a hospital?"

"What was I supposed to do eh?" Andy shot back, "Tie him up and bundle him into the back of my car? He was actually doing fine until he spoke to you!"

Aaron nibbled on his lip, his hands twitching, his temper rising.

Andy took a step toward him, his eyes flashing dangerously, "What did you say to him eh?"

Aaron had to back away. He was too scared to even look at Andy lest he start punching him and never stopped.

"Why is it everytime he gets involved with you… bad things happen?" Andy said, his voice shaking.

Aaron lifted his head up, his eyes narrowing into small slits. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare stand there and start lecturing me." He growled, "Maybe if you hadn't set his Mum on fire and actually been a proper brother to him, when he needed you, none of this would have happened - !"

Andy raised his fist – only to be stopped by Victoria, pouncing in between them.

"Oh no you don't!" She hissed, pushing Andy back, "Calm down. Otherwise they'll throw you out!"

"Stop it!" Diane shrilled, "What's wrong with you? How can you be starting fights now? When Robert is…"

"Sorry Diane." Aaron mumbled, "I'm… just tired and worried."

"Yeah." Andy said, staring at the floor, "Me and all. It's been a long night."

"Well, picking on each other isn't going to help." Diane chided. "Now take a seat. All of you. We might be here a while."

Andy and Aaron silently took their seats, opposite from each other, their pride still smarting.

Victoria immediately flounced to her grandmother's side. She rested her head on her shoulder, "Gran are you okay?" She asked thickly, "Andy said you were the one who found Robert."

"He was just lying there. So still. Like a baby lamb…" Annie said, her eyes glistening. She started stroking the denim jacket, gently lying it across her lap. "Even in the ambulance. He looked fast asleep."

Aaron chewed on his lip, his knee bouncing nervously. The image… was too much to handle. Too many memories of seeing Robert lying on the cold floor, blood spilling from his chest as he desperately tried to stem the flow…

"Oh Annie." Diane sighed, dropping into the seat next to her, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

Victoria smiled thinly at the the jacket, draped across her grandmother's lap. "I remember Robert wearing that. It was his jacket."

"He's never worn denim, as long as I've known him." Aaron said, his voice hollow.

"He was wearing a jacket similar to this one, when he turned up on my doorstep, all those years ago." Annie said, her tone offhand, "After he left the village. He had just made the trip across and was trying to get used to the foreign roads. He was a mess. Wouldn't stop crying. Kept babbling on and on about screwing up and… someone called Max."

Aaron saw Andy and Diane exchange a fleeting look, but remained their stoic positions a second later. Perhaps he'd imagined it.

Annie's cheek twitched into a smile, "I told him he had to pick himself up and dust himself down. So he could move on and come back fighting. And he did. Which is why I don't understand…"

Diane patted Annie's hand, "Hey come on. Our Robert's always been a fighter! Even when he was an angry teenager, giving us all hell, we couldn't pin him down without him kicking up a mighty fuss!"

"It's true!" Victoria said, nodding, "And let's not forget that a bullet to the chest couldn't even keep him down!"

Aaron didn't need to glare at Andy to feel his burning shame. Good.

Victoria reached over to stroke the denim jacket… she frowned. "Why is it wet?"

Annie raised her brow, "Oh?" She responded, her tone escalating, "The rain… he was outside talking to Aaron wasn't he?"

Aaron shifted slightly in embarrassment. "Sorry." He muttered, "I did want to get him inside but you know what he's like."

Annie swallowed. "Indeed I do."

"No but we dried it by the fire…" Victoria said slowly, "I remember wrestling it off him. Are you – are you saying he went out in the rain again?"

Annie opened and closed her mouth several times… as if she was trying to churn out the words but they just wouldn't flow.

Andy heaved a sigh, "For God's sake Gran. I'll tell them."

Aaron sat up straighter in his chair, "Tell us what?"

"You – you don't know anything for certain!" Annie snapped, her eyes darting to Aaron then back to Andy. "This is you – making up wild speculation - "

"Oh wake up Gran! A thirty-one year old man takes a bath, fully clothed, in freezing cold water and then has a heart attack? Come off it!" Andy fired back.

A shocked silence rippled through the group.

"Say that again." Aaron said quietly.

Andy leaned forward in his chair, "You wanna know what really happened tonight?" He said, his voice laced with pain.

"What do you mean?" Victoria asked cautiously.

Andy reached into his own jacket pocket and drew out a small, red notebook. "I found this beside Rob's bed, when I was picking up some of his stuff."

Aaron could feel a sickening panic churning in his gut. Nevertheless, he forced himself to spit out the words. "What's in it?"

Andy thumbed through the pages, his fingers trembling, "Just random quotes of his, poetry, private thoughts, stuff like that."

"Poetry?" Aaron echoed, scrunching his face up, "Robert doesn't write poetry!"

"He used to." Andy said quietly, his finger running up the tattered spine of the notebook. "When we were kids, he used to write stuff all the time. He'd tell the most amazing stories…"

"I remember." Victoria chimed in, a fond smile gracing her lips. "He used to make up some great bedtime stories. I remember the ones he used to tell me just after Mum died and Dad went to prison."

"It must've been his way of coping with everything going on." Diane said softly.

Andy cleared his throat. "Then one day he just stopped. I can't remember when exactly but – I think he just lost his way and then… stopped."

Aaron didn't know what to say. It was yet another chapter of Robert's life that he had firmly closed the door on. Trouble was… Robert was now starting to shove those doors open again, allowing his past habits and memories to spill out. Aaron didn't know if he could keep up. Or if he would be welcome…

Andy stabbed at a page with his finger, "I found this. It's got today's date on it… and it was the last thing he wrote."

Last thing he wrote. Aaron hated the way that sounded.

"Maybe we shouldn't read it." Victoria said hesitantly, "I mean – it's private."

"I think he wanted us to read it Vic." Andy said, his voice vibrating. "He writes… They say there's a time for everything. A time to love, a time to hate, a time to be born and a time to die. But what do you do when you know that time is coming? And you can't stop it. Because you don't want to."

The tears slipped down Aaron's cheek. His breathing grew heavier, his heart beating erratically. He carelessly wiped his tears away with his palms, "I – I knew he was in a lot of pain but I didn't know he felt like that." His voice emerged a tight whisper.

"I'm going to tell you what I think happened." Andy continued, his tone hard. "I think he wrote this – this note and left it on his bedside table for us. Then he made up his bed. It was er – it was something that Dad always used to nag at us about. Then he put on some of his old clothes, including that damn jacket. He went into the bathroom, filled the bath tub up with icy cold water and then climbed in. Waiting for a heart attack to happen."

Aaron had to slip a knuckle into his mouth, to stop the scream from tearing out of his throat.

"Hang on… are you saying he brought this on himself?" Victoria asked Andy, her voice heightened with anger.

Andy glanced at Annie before saying sheepishly, "It's what the paramedics think. They told us just before you got here. They said that his body was already shutting down and the cold temperature of the bath water was… the final trigger. His heart couldn't take it anymore - "

"Jesus Andy!" Victoria cried, her face flushing in rage, "You were gonna keep it from us, weren't ya!"

Andy shook his head, "No! I wanted to tell you the truth! Gran said - "

"Robert isn't like that." Annie said, her voice trembling. She began to rock back and forth, "He's strong. He wouldn't… he'd never…"

Aaron bolted up from his seat with such a ferocity, everyone jumped. "So what happened?" He breathed, "After - you found him in the bath. What happened next?"

Andy hesitated, flexing his fingers.

"Look… I need to know. I need to see it in my head." Aaron said, through gritted teeth.

"I thought he was dead." Andy said, in a low tone. Aaron squeezed his eyes shut. "I pulled him out of the bath tub and gave him CPR. I managed to get his heart going but it was only a matter of time before it gave out again. That's when the paramedics showed up and took over from there. Everything else is kind of a blur."

Aaron nodded, nibbling on his bottom lip. "Thanks." He choked out, after a minute of reflective silence. Andy raised his brow in surprise but didn't respond.

"Sit down Aaron love." Annie said softly, "We can wait together. And you look exhausted."

Aaron lowered himself back in his seat, his mind whirring with a mirage of haunting images. Robert lying in the bath, his head slumped to the side, writhing in pain which he brought on himself…

Aaron took several deep, steadying breaths, controlling his anger, sadness, and any other rogue emotion that threatened to surface.

About half an hour later, a doctor in his late thirties, shuffled toward the small group, unpeeling a surgical mask from nose.

"Robert Sugden's family?" He called out tentatively.

They all shot up from their seats, their hopeful expressions melting away, one by one, at the sight of the doctor's grave face.

"I'm Dr Hanley. Can we talk in - ?"

"Just tell us what's happened!" Aaron interrupted, his voice strained. Dr Hanley opened his mouth to answer and suddenly Aaron wished he'd close it.

He didn't want to know.

"We've managed to stabilise him, but he's still in critical condition. We've moved him to the Intensive Care Unit so we can keep a closer eye."

Aaron sighed in mild relief, "So – he's okay though yeah?"

He's still alive. For now.

"He's far from okay, I'm afraid." Dr Hanley said slowly, "We're actually treating him for malnutrition."

Andy's head hung low, he released a long sigh. "We figured it might be something like that."

"What have you done with him?" Victoria asked, in a timid voice.

"Well, his BMI is 18.5 and his blood pressure is quite low, so we've had to implant a neogastric tube inside him." Dr Hanley said casually.

"Good Lord! What – what is that?" Annie asked, aghast.

Dr Hanley tried to smile at the old woman in reassurance, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "It's a tube that we've inserted through Robert's nasal passage, it passes down his esophagus and into his stomach. He'll get nutrition delivered directly to his stomach every ten to sixty minutes. Think of it as… liquid food via pump."

Numbness clouded Aaron's mind. This was too much for him to grasp. Neogastric tubes… liquid tubes…

This was Robert they were talking about. Robert! Being treated for malnutrition. He'd never had a problem with his appetite before. Ever!

"I have to ask… how long has Robert been starving himself?" Dr Hanely asked, accuastion laced in his tone.

"We – we've been trying to get him to eat." Diane said meekly, "But he's been under so much stress lately and complained that he didn't have an appetite. We thought it was because of everything going on in his life. We never imagined that it would come to this."

Dr Hanley pursed his lips, his eyes narrowing.

"But we have been getting him to eat small amounts!" Diane pressed, "Only this lunchtime he ate some soup, that I made him, didn't he?"

Victoria nodded, "Yeah! And he seemed to eat it without fuss."

"I see." Dr Hanley said tersely. "And… aside from the obvious lack of appetite, has Robert been experiencing tiredness, mood swings and constant shivering or feeling cold most of the time?"

Aaron's throat ran dry. He thought back to their encounter earlier, Robert's harsh words flinging toward him, the way he clutched his jacket around him, the dark circles under his eyes…

"Yes, yes and yes." Victoria said miserably.

"He's been complaining a lot about being unable to swallow." Andy added, guilt laced in his tone. "Sometimes he's sick as well. He said it was because he was feeling nervous all the time. Look we didn't think he had a serious illness – well, maybe depression. But – we thought we could help him through it and then he'll start eating normally again. He was drinking heavily as well. I've been secretly pouring his whiskey down the sink or filling it up with water, hoping he won't twig. I know it sounds bad but.. see, he wouldn't leave the house and we didn't know what else to do. We genuinely thought we were doing the right thing."

Aaron gaped at him. "You what?" He whispered. Andy glanced at him but didn't respond.

Dr Hanley grimaced, "Of course you did. We might have to run a few more tests. It's nothing to worry about but – sometimes being unable to swallow can be caused by a tumour blockage in the throat – "

"Oh God." Annie gasped, clutching onto Victoria for support. Aaron's heartbeat accelerated.

"We haven't found anything, don't worry!" Dr Hanley said hastily, "But it's something to keep an eye on. In the future."

"Give him the notebook." Aaron said to Andy, his voice laden with anguish.

Andy opened his mouth, about to protest, but then caught the look gleaming in Aaron's eyes and decided against it. Silently, he handed Robert's notebook over to Dr Hanley, open at the last page.

"My brother wrote this before he got into the bath." Andy said in a tiny voice, "I think he was starving himself on purpose. All that guff about not being able to swallow… I don't know anymore. All I know is – I shouldn't have left him alone."

"You didn't know he was going to try and bring on a heart attack!" Victoria sniffed, "How could ya?"

"Yeah but this is Rob we're talking about here." Andy sighed, "Always two steps ahead."

Dr Hanley skimmed through the pages, his expression grim. "Right, well in that case Robert will need to be seen by a psychiatrist."

"Eh? Psychiatrist?" Diane echoed, "How come?"

"Starvation is a method of self-harm." Dr Hanley said with indifference, "Also, if he was inducing a heart attack, we're looking at a suicide attempt. He will need to be assessed. And I think it will help if he talked to someone about this." He waved the notebook at them before giving it back to Andy.

Aaron's own heart was starting to contract, his entire body hunching with the physical weight of the situation. He needed to get out of there and fast.

"So what can we do now?" Diane asked in concern. "Can we see him?"

"He's heavily sedated at the moment so he might not respond as well as you - "

"Oh please!" Victoria begged, tears streaming down her cheeks, "After everything you've just said… I don't want to talk to him, I just need to see him!

Dr Hanley sighed, "Very well. Perhaps just a quick visit, please follow me."

* * *

Aaron hated the ICU ward. It brought back too many painful memories of Jackson. Waiting for hours on end, hoping to receive good news… only to be hit with the very worst.

So he didn't go.

While the rest of them trotted after the good doctor like obdient spaniels… Aaron stayed put. Choosing to slope off outside, he pretended to enjoy the company of the throng of smokers congregating by the wall. Aaron let his head fall back gently against the brick, his heart heavy.

"Thought you might be out here."

A kind, concerned voice drifted toward him. Annie Sugden shuffled toward him, balancing on her cane for support. Aaron immediately lifted himself off the wall, wiping his hands on his jeans.

This woman had such a strong presence, he was actually feeling nervous to be in her company.

Just like her grandson.

"You all right?" He asked with unease. Then closed his eyes in regret. He could've kicked himself, of course she wasn't all right! None of them were! "Sorry! I - "

"It's quite all right lad." Annie interrupted, waving her hand dismissively. "It's been a long night."

"Yeah." Aaron whispered, "I erm… I would've come up to see him but I don't think I'm welcome."

Annie frowned, "Says who?"

Aaron swallowed. "Well… Andy seems to think that I - "

"Oh ignore him!" Annie said in an offhand tone. "That boy's always quick to fling accusations around. But somehow, he never quite wants to own up to anything himself!"

A bubble of laughter escaped Aaron's lips. "You remind me of Robert."

Annie smiled at that. "Yes well… I am his grandmother. Which is why I mean it when I say that you have as much right to see him as the rest of us."

Aaron sighed, "Thanks. For saying that and for letting me know what had happened. But…" His voice began to crack, "I can't see him in that state. Lying there all hooked up to machines and stuff…"

"I know." Annie said softly, "I didn't want to either. I only went in because of the others. I had to keep up a front. For them. But inside… I was falling apart. Seeing my grandson lying in that bed, all tubes in his mouth, up his nose…" She shuddered, "Almost as bad as seeing him in that bath."

Aaron looked away, subtly wiping his eye on his shoulder. How could he tell her? How could he tell this kind, strong woman that the last time he'd seen Robert in that state, he had vocally wished him dead?

"But if I can do it, so can you!" Annie said with a reassuring smile, patting Aaron's arm.

"I don't think I can." Aaron whimpered, "I'm – I'm scared." Again, he was amazed at how much he was able to open up to this woman. It was no wonder Robert loved her so much.

"What are you scared of my lad?" Annie asked simply.

My lad. Naturally, she would call him that. She still saw him as her grandson-in-law.

"I don't know… that it'll be the last time I ever see him." Aaron replied, his voice shredding, "And I don't want to remember him like that."

If his last memory of Robert was their last encounter in the rain, hurling harsh words back and forth, then so be it. At least he was alive. His sharp tongue, giving as good as he got.

"You won't." Annie said gently, "I know it's hard seeing Robert like that. He's usually so tough isn't he. But he never used to be. Life just battered him down over the years and he built up walls to protect himself from getting hurt. He wouldn't let people in and he refused to give himself to anyone. I've watched him over the years, how he's changed. After his mother died he came to stay with me for the summer and he grew harder. Tougher. People then had this expectation of him. They all thought he was a bad boy and that's what he became. Anything that would upset his father, he'd indulge in. I suppose acting out was his way to punish Jack, after everything that happened with Andy and Sarah and the fire…"

"He doesn't talk about it much." Aaron said quietly.

"No, he wouldn't would he?" Annie responded simply, "Behind that wall he built, is a mountain of secrets."

"I really thought he could open up to me." Aaron said, misery leaking into his tone, "Even when he was living with the Whites - "

"Oh now please, let's not muddy the waters by discussing that awful family!" Annie implored in disgust, "Lawrence is a law unto himself. That Lachlan is a baby psychopath waiting to pounce on some poor girl behind the shower curtain. And as for those spoiled witches he calls daughters?" She shuddered.

Aaron smiled thinly, "Glad to see we're on the same page there."

"Oh we are." She said firmly, "I never liked them. That's why I didn't turn up to the wedding, even though it was his first…"

Aaron's mind raced back to his first and only 'wedding.' The vows, the promises, the dancing, the kisses…

Oh God, how could things have got this bad?

"He proposed to me in hospital you know?" Aaron said, trying to keep his tone light, even though he ached all over at the memories. "Well – we actually proposed to each other. But erm… being back here… I can't stop thinking about that day he put that ring on my finger and how happy I was…"

"And you'll get back to that place again. Aaron love, he'll be all right." Annie said calmly, "He's got all these doctors looking out for him now."

"No one's invincible though." Aaron muttered, "Just because someone's made it through the other side… doesn't mean they're always gonna be okay once they get out. That's when the real problems start."

"And you don't think you can be there for it… for him?" Annie asked, her voice measured.

Aaron was silent for a few seconds. Then slowly he shook his head, tears spilling from his eyes. "I – I can't go back there." He choked, "The thought of him writing that note… getting into that bath tub… it does something to me, to my heart." He thumped his chest, "I can't breathe. And I'm worried I might do something stupid! I'll be so desperate to get him better, I'll say or do something that'll make it worse! Robert doesn't need that Annie. He doesn't need me. Andy chats a lot of rubbish but tonight he was right. Bad things do happen whenever we get together!"

"Only bad things?" Annie responded, raising her brow. "Because if I remember correctly… you gave your little sister a home and a stable family?"

"Didn't last though did it?" Aaron countered bitterly, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. Of course he had been the first one to hammer a dent into their fragile little world. "And I'm partly to blame for that." He said sheepishly. "I attacked a bloke for no reason other than – I was stressed over Robert." He gave a watery laugh, "Always Robert. I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I'd never met him?"

"And?" Annie prompted, a small smirk playing about her lips, reminding him strongly of Robert, yet again.

Aaron shook his head, gazing into the distance. "I'd just be another lost cause. Jumping from one relationship to the next… looking, searching for something. With Robert – I had it. And I know that if I ever move on from him or… when I do move on eventually… I'll compare them all to him. I won't love anyone the way I love him, I know that for a fact. But sometimes, love isn't enough."

Annie gave him a look full of sadness. "Well in that case Aaron… maybe you should go up there and see him. If only to say goodbye. Don't you think you owe that to him, to yourself and those precious memories you built together?"

Aaron took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to keep his tears at bay. He nodded, swallowing the aching lump of pain, now lodged in his throat.

"We'll go together." Annie said gently, offering him her arm.

Aaron helped steady her and together, they walked back into the hospital.

* * *

Aaron kept a firm grip onto Annie as they shuffled down the dark ICU corridor, towards Robert's room.

Victoria, Diane and Andy lingered outside, chatting in hushed tones. They sprung apart as Aaron and Annie drew closer.

"What are you lot plotting?" Annie asked, her cane echoing against the silent ward.

"They won't let us inside." Andy sighed, "We have to watch through the window."

Victoria pressed her face up against the glass. "He looks like he did when he got shot. Like he's asleep or something."

Aaron lifted his head up, peering through the slits in the window. Robert lay on an elevated bed, a thick, green oxygen tube wedged between his teeth. Another thin tube trailed out of his left nostril, taped to his nose by a plaster. Aaron couldn't help but wince at the sight. It looked painful…

Robert himself looked so frail and helpless, his blond hair now plastered to his forehead. Aaron's hand twitched. He wanted to burst through those doors and pull him close.

But he couldn't.

The steady beeping on Robert's heart monitor began to escalate, a red light flashing attention. An alarm started to ring from the monitor, prompting a nurse loitering near Robert's bed to race to his side. Aaron's heart started to kick against his ribs, "No…" He whimpered, "Please God, no!"

"What's going on?" Victoria asked, her voice hysterical.

A nurse frantically pressed her fingers to Robert's neck, lowered his bed position so he was lying flat, then slammed her palm on the emergency button fixed to the wall. "Fetch Hanley!" She yelled to her colleague "Cardiac arrest, bed four!"

* * *

_to be continued..._


	19. The Bridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Xmas! This one's for you all! Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter! All I can say is, grab some tissues because it's a weepy!

"Out of my way!" Dr Hanley hollered, racing down the ICU corridor. He burst into Robert's room, launching into motion, firing questions at the nurse now pounding on Robert's chest. Aaron barrelled in after him, clutching the back of his head. The alarm was louder now, deafening…

"Robert!" Victoria squealed, trailing close behind, tears streaming down her cheeks, "Oh my God!"

"Get them out of here!" Dr Hanley barked.

"We're not going anywhere!" Aaron snarled back.

"Please, we're family!" Diane begged, trying to support Annie who was trembling silently, her eyes never leaving Robert.

"There's a relative's room - !"

"No pulse Dr Hanley!" The nurse yelled, her fingers pressed against Robert's neck.

Dr Hanley quickly reached for the defibrillators. "Shock at two hundred." He ordered.

_'_ _Don't get cold feet, you'll make me think I fell for a quitter.'_

Aaron's whole body began to shake, he chewed on his sleeve to stop himself from screaming out in anguish.

"Clear!" Dr Hanley punched the defibrillators into Robert's chest. Robert's body jackknifed upward, then limply fell back against the bed. The dull alarm still echoed around the room, over Victoria's sobs.

_'_ _I want messed up. With you. Forever.'_

"Come on Rob!" Andy growled, "Come on…"

Dr Hanley took a deep breath, keeping the defibrillators in position. "Right, let's go again!"

"Charging two hundred." The nurse chimed, adjusting the volts.

_'_ _I don't want to leave you.'_

"Clear!" Dr Hanley glanced at the monitor, then stamped down again. Robert's body, once again jolted up, but didn't respond.

_'_ _I don't want you to go.'_

"We're losing him." The nurse stated, trying to keep the panic to a minimum.

"Do something!" Victoria screamed.

Dr Hanley ignored her. "Right, take it up to three-sixty." He demanded, as calmly as he could. "And let's give him some adrenaline as well."

"Come on Rob!" Andy yelled. "I - I need ya!"

_'_ _Goodbye then, Mr Dingle."_

"Charging three-sixty."

"Robert no…" Aaron whimpered. Tears leaking from his eyes, he turned away, unable to watch. He didn't want to do this, not again. Aaron bit on his thumnail, hard, squeezing his eyes shut, bracing himself for the absolute worst.

"Clear!" They plunged the volts into Robert's body. Aaron heard him bounce up, then back down once more.

Aaron sucked in a breath, praying silently to any God who would listen that this one would work.

The alarm still rang, cruelly across the room.

"No…" Victoria whispered, her voice captive with shock.

_'_ _Goodbye then, Mr Sugden.'_

* * *

Robert blinked his eyes open. Warm sunlight greeted him, kissing his face. He smiled, shuffling upright. He glanced around at his surroundings, realising with a pleasant jolt, that he was lying on the grassy bank at Demdyke Quarry! The childhood haunt of his and Andy's.

But it wasn't dry or barren… it was beautiful, encompassed by the most lush greenery and colourful flowers Robert had ever seen.

He scrabbled to his feet, delighted to finally be back! But… something felt different. He felt different. Younger. Robert brought his hands to his face, gasping softly. Sure enough, they were much smaller and smoother. Then he looked down at his body, in amazement. He was dressed in a striped sports t-shirt and denim shorts. An outfit he hadn't worn since he was ten years old!

Instead of panicking or crying out in confusion, Robert just laughed. He was back where he belonged! He raced around in circles, enjoying this newfound freedom. Freedom he hadn't had since he was a child. Back when his life was better. Simpler. No worries or burdens to carry on his shoulders, no more worrying about upsetting anyone or wrecking their lives. Because this…this is what life should be!

But why was he here? And what had happened? Where was everybody else…?

A beautiful glow, flickering on the other side of the quarry caught his attention. It was a golden light, unlike anything he had ever seen before. Oh, but it radiated peace and comfort. In a daze, Robert drifted over to the quarry. A bridge had appeared, connecting the gap from one side to the other. Finally, they had built a bridge there! Andy always used to complain that they couldn't get to the other side without running all the way round. Robert felt a pang of guilt. He shouldn't be going exploring without Andy, this was their place and they always did things together. Never mind. Maybe he could come back for him…

There was a figure walking across the bridge, toward him, but he couldn't quite make out the face. He squinted, trying to recognise the silhouette. It looked very familiar.

The figure drew closer, it's hand adjusting something on it's head. A flatcap!

Robert's heart fluttered in excitement. "Dad!" He called out, waving fervently, jumping up and down on the grass. "Dad I'm here!"

Jack Sugden strode down the bridge, his arms open wide, a warm smile gracing his features. He wasn't the bitter, angry man that Robert had exchanged harsh words with. He was the kind, loving father from his childhood. The one who carried Robert around on his shoulders, chortling as he tried to pull his flatcap off. The father who lifted him up on his tractor and let him sit on his lap as they rode through the fields. The father who read to him every night, checking under his bed for monsters before turning off the lights…

Jack approached Robert, stepping off the bridge and onto the grass. Robert hesitated, unsure of how to greet his father. Jack grinned, kneeling down to his son's level, holding his arms out. "Don't I get a hug, son?" He asked.

Son. How many times had Robert laid awake at night, clutching his sheets, wishing he could hear his father call him that. Just one more time.

Robert raced to his father, chuckling as he was swept up in a hug. Jack twirled his son around, holding on tight as if he'd never let go. Reluctantly, he set Robert back down.

Robert beamed up at him, "So are we going on an adventure then Dad?"

Jack smiled. "Yes son." He said slowly, "Do you know why you're here?"

Robert frowned, trying to recall what had happened. He felt a heavy sadness settling into his heart. But he didn't know why…

"Dad…" Robert whimpered, "I've done something bad but… I don't know what it is!"

Jack pulled Robert closer to him, patting his back, "Hey, you're all right now son. You're all right." He soothed, "Everything will be okay from now on, I promise."

Robert clutched onto Jack, breathing in the fresh, earthy smell that always clung to him. "Where are we going?" He asked, his voice muffled.

Jack laughed again, "Where do you want to go, son?"

Robert shook his head, saying quietly, "Don't mind. As long as I can stay with you now Dad."

Jack's smile faded slightly. "Is that what you really want Robert?" He asked, his tone sharpening. "Are you absolutely sure?"

Robert didn't know what that heavy, aching feeling was. But he knew he didn't like it. He wanted to get rid of it, quickly. He gazed up at the golden light, glimmering on the other side of the bridge and smiled, nodding. "Yes Dad! I'm sure! Can we go now?"

Jack's cheek twtiched into a smirk, "Always were impatient, weren't you?"

"I think I get that from you!" Robert replied, grinning.

Jack raised his brow, "Is that right?"

Robert's smile melted away. "Dad… I'm sorry we fought a lot. I'm sorry I haven't been - "

"Hey, hey no more sorries!" Jack chided, lightly rubbing his son's cheek, "We're leaving all that behind now. Okay?"

"Yes but Dad – there's something I need to tell you!" Robert said hastily, "I just – I just can't remember what it is."

There was a flash of amusement in Jack's eyes. "That's all right son." He said softly. "I'm sure it will come back to you. Once we get to the other side."

Jack opened up his hand for his son. Robert grabbed onto it, clinging tightly.

"What's on the other side of the quarry Dad?" He asked, as they began to walk toward the bridge.

"You'll have to see for yourself son." Jack said evenly.

"Is Mum there?" Robert asked sheepishly.

"Which one?" Jack responded carefully.

"Hmm… both of them!"

Jack laughed. "Yes. Just keep your eyes straight ahead. Don't look back all right?"

Robert squeezed his father's hand, nodding. "Yes Dad."

Jack chuckled again. "When did you become so obedient eh?"

Robert cast a sad glance at his shoes. "I don't know… I just feel like I have to."

They reached the threshold of the bridge. Jack knelt down so he was eye level with Robert.

"Son… you can change your mind you know." He said gently, "I won't get upset."

Robert fiercely shook his head, "I want to go with you!"

Jack beamed, straightening up, he gestured ahead, "Shall we?"

Robert giggled. They began to cross the bridge, Robert holding on tight to his father's hand, whilst keeping his eyes on the beautiful, shimmering light. There was a ringing in his ears, but as he drew closer to the light, the ringing ebbed away.

"Halfway there now son." Jack said warmly.

Robert opened his mouth to respond, when a loud yell stopped him.

"Rob, wait!"

Robert halted.

"Robert…" Jack warned. Robert didn't listen. He instantly spun back. A small child with jet black hair, sprinted toward him…

"Andy?" Robert breathed, squinting at the figure now running toward the bridge. "Dad it's Andy!"

"Come on son, let's go." Jack coaxed.

But Robert wouldn't move. Andy was here now and they could go into the light together! "I can't let Andy run Dad, you know he's got asthma!"

"Robert - "

"Wait here Dad!" Robert let go of his Dad's hand and started to walk back toward the bank.

Andy looked just as Robert remembered him at ten years old. He was wearing a dark green hoodie… exactly like the one he wore when he got his foot trapped in this very quarry, about twenty odd years ago.

"Rob where are you going?" Andy shouted.

"I'm going exploring!" Robert hollered back.

"Without me?" Andy lamented, his face falling.

"Come with us then!" Robert said, extending his hand.

Andy looked down at the bridge, shaking his head. "I can't Rob!"

Robert frowned, "Why not?"

"I – I just can't…"

"Oh go on!' Robert pressed, "There's a really cool light on the other side of the quarry! Wanna go see what's there?"

Andy peered behind Robert. "I can't see anything."

"What are you going on about? It's the golden light! Behind Dad! On the other side of the bridge!"

"Dad?" Andy echoed, taken aback. "I can't see Dad. Or a light!"

"But…" Robert looked over his shoulder. His Dad still stood on the bridge, staring at him with a mixture of pride and sadness. "I don't get it."

"You have to come back with me Rob!" Andy said urgently, stretching out his own hand. "I need ya!"

Robert shook his head, "No you don't! No one does!"

"That's not true Rob!" Andy said, in desperation. "I need ya! And so does Victoria!"

"Victoria? She's a baby!"

"Please Rob…" Andy said, his voice growing small, "Come back with me… come back…"

Robert slowly turned to his father. Jack paced toward him, his eyes glistening with love. "Dad?" Robert questioned, "What's going on?"

Jack sighed, "You don't want to come with me Robert. Not yet anyway."

Robert chewed on his lip. "I – I thought I did…" The golden light was fading away now.

Jack placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "Go back with Andy, son." He instructed, his voice tender, "And one day… we'll meet again. And we'll make it across the bridge, all the way to the other side this time."

"Do you promise?" Robert begged, his heart growing heavy again.

Jack nodded, "This is one promise I will keep. When you're ready, I'll be here."

Robert threw his arms around his Dad, breathing in the musky, smell of the Earth… one last time. "I love you Dad." He whimpered, "So much. I really need you to know that. I'm sorry I never said it before. Everyday, I think about you."

Jack smiled at his son, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. "I know." He whispered. He whipped off his flatcap, giving Robert a little whack. "Off you go now son. Go to your brother."

Giving his Dad one last smile, Robert scampered off, toward Andy. He was about to take Andy's hand when he remembered something. That was it! That was what he had to tell his Dad...  
"Dad!" He cried, turning back quickly, "I'm back in Emmerdale Farm now! Andy and I are gonna work together! We're back home!"

Jack Sugden laughed, a deep chuckle full of happiness. Robert grabbed Andy's hand, allowing his brother to pull him to the other side.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	20. Moving On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year guys! Thanks again for the amazing reviews! Keep em coming!

A steady beeping trickled into his ear, growing louder and louder. There was a hand clasped into his own. Robert groaned, moving his head to the side, giving the hand a tiny squeeze.

"My hand! He squeezed my hand! He's waking up!" A voice cried.

Robert's eye lids peeled open. A face swam into focus. Andy peered over him, his tired face twisted in concern and relief.

"Welcome back Brother." Andy sighed, giving him a tight smile.

Robert's hand was still gripping onto Andy's. He squinted around the room, Victoria and Diane scrambled toward the bed.

"Hello pet." Diane said softly, "You gave us quite the shock."

His grandmother stood on his other side, tenderly stroking his hair. And there, standing right next to her, was Aaron. His eyes red rimmed, his breathing hollow.

Robert rolled his head toward his brother, giving his hand another squeeze.

"Andy." Robert whispered, his throat shredding in pain, "Did – we - make - it?"

Andy glanced up, then back at Robert, frowning slightly, "What d'ya mean Rob?"

Robert wrinkled his nose. There was something burning in his nose. With his free hand, he lifted his fingers to his nose, feeling a rough plaster attached to the tip and a thin tube jammed into his left nostril.

"What…?" He gasped, his panic evident on his heart monitor, "What's - that?"

"Love, don't try to talk." Annie said sternly, placing her hand on his arm.

"There's - something stuck - in my nose!" Robert hissed, through gritted teeth.

"It's called a nasogastric tube." Diane said quickly, "They put it in there because you were undernourished."

"Eh?" Without thinking, he looked at Aaron for clarification. Aaron raised his brows in surprise, opening his mouth to say something but couldn't…

"Robert you had a heart attack because you were starving yourself." Victoria said, her voice laden with tears.

The images came flooding back. Filling the tub. Climbing inside. Waiting, waiting, waiting. For the pain. The darkness. The end…

Robert took a deep breath, ignoring the heavy silence settling over the room. "Okay. Take it – out."

"We can't." Victoria sniffed, "The doctor says you need to keep it in for a few more hours until they can change it."

"It burns!" Robert moaned, tears prickling his eyes, "Please – take it out! Please!"

"I'll get Dr Hanley!" Victoria said hastily, dashing out of the room.

Robert turned to his grandmother, "Gran! Please!"

In his periphal, he saw Aaron wipe his own eyes with his sleeves.

"Oh Robert, you know I'd do anything to take the pain away!" She said, her iron voice starting to crack. "And I know it must hurt. But right now this is what you need."

There was an underlying comment there. Robert could hear it. This is what they were all warning him about, even if they didn't explicitly come out and say it. If he didn't eat, he'd end up in hospital being drip fed and hey – it's happened!

But this isn't what he wanted. He had never been intending to stick around… that was… until…

Robert tugged on Andy's hand. "You." He choked, "You – brought me – back."

Andy exchanged a quick look with Annie. "Rob," He said calmly, "I got you out of that bath. Remember?"

Robert shook his head, "Not the bath! Idiot! You… brought me back…"

Andy gently prised his hand out of Robert's iron grip. "It's okay Rob. The doctor will be here soon."

"Andy." Robert exhaled, his anger building steadily, "Listen – to me. You – brought me back to life!"

Andy's jaw dropped. Diane, Annie and Aaron all gaped at him, their expressions rigid with shock.

A tall man in his late thirties with a thin, smug face, pushed into the room, Victoria trailing closely behind him.

"Ah, I heard the patient's awake." He chimed, squirting a glob of alcohol gel onto his hands and rubbing them with vigour. "Good."  
"He's a bit narked at the nasogastric tube – thing." Victoria said placidly.

Dr Hanley checked the monitor, then peered into Robert's eyes. "Yes, I understand it can be uncomfortable at first." He said with little sympathy, checking Robert's other vital signs. "But you must understand Mr Sugden, that you were severely underweight. Your body was starting to shut down, including your organs, one by one. We're trying to get you back to your normal body weight."

"And that involves shoving a tube up my nose, does it?" Robert muttered, his voice laced with sarcasm.

"Indeed it does." Dr Hanley murmured, making notes on his clipboard. "Until we're satisfied with your progress, the tube isn't going anywhere I'm afraid. Get some rest. I'll see you in about an hour to check your BMI." Dr Hanley shuffled out of the room.

"Prick." Robert mumbled, letting his head fall back against the pillow.

"It's for your own good Rob." Victoria said soothingly. "You heard him though. Once your weight is back up, the tube will come out and you can go home. You can come back to mine so I can feed you up properly to make sure this doesn't happen again!"

And spend more time in that cramped boxroom whilst everyone fussed over him? When he had a perfectly big, empty farmhouse waiting for him? No thanks.

Robert shook his head. "I'm going back home. Vic. My home." He said emphatically, glancing at Aaron who looked away. "The farm."

"Oh that's fine." Annie said steadily, "We'll – look after you there then."

"You sure that's a good idea Robert?" Victoria pressed, ignoring the looks she was receiving from the others, "It's just… after everything that happened there, I thought you'd want a change…"

"It's my home." Robert said, his voice dull.

"Yeah but.. "

The look on Robert's face shut her up. He didn't say anything. Just continued to breathe heavily, his jaw tightening.

Annie patted his arm, then his blankets, avoiding eye contact with him. "What are you like eh lad? It should be me getting all the fuss and attention, especially at my age!"

"Gran. I saw Dad." The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. He shyly looked up at his grandmother who stared down at him.

"What?" She whispered.

Robert swallowed, taking a deep breath he said carefully, "I don't know what happened but I was – I was a kid again." He turned his head to Andy, "At our place. Demdyke Quarry."

Andy's eyes widened but he didn't say anything.

"It was so peaceful." A smile tugged at Robert's lips. "There was a bridge. Connecting one end of the quarry to the other. We wouldn't need to run round it… like we used to. Remember Andy? Remember the quarry?"

"Of course I remember Rob." Andy said quietly, "What else?"

Robert swallowed. "Well… at the end of the bridge there was this – most amazing, golden light. It was so beautiful. And walking across the bridge… was Dad."

"What did he say?" Victoria breathed, "Did you speak to him."

Robert nodded. "I got to tell him I loved him. And – I hugged him. Vic, he still smelled the same! And he was wearing the flatcap!"

Diane and Victoria laughed, their eyes shining in mirth.

"He wanted me to go with him. Into the light. And I nearly did. God, I wanted to, I wanted to go so badly!"

Tears slipped down Aaron's cheeks, but he did nothing to brush them away. He just gazed upon Robert, in a mixture of sadness… and awe, clinging onto his every word.

Robert glanced at Andy again, "And I would've gone with him Andy. But then I heard you. Calling for me. It's – hard to explain Brother, but… you were like me, a kid again. It was like time had just stopped and we were ten years old, back at Demdyke."

"Wow, I – that's incredible Rob. So - what – what did I do?" Andy stammered, curiosity leaking from his tone.

"You were pissed off that I was going exploring without ya!" Robert replied, smirking a little.

Andy snorted. "Of course!"

"I asked if you wanted to come with me but… you couldn't see Dad, you couldn't see the light and you couldn't cross the bridge." Robert said, his smile melting away. "I – I wanted you to come with me. But you begged me to come back. You kept saying I was needed here. Then you asked me to take your hand. I didn't want to at first. I wanted to go with Dad. But he told me to go with you. And I realised it was the right thing to do."

"And then what happened?" Diane asked, her voice hushed.

"I told Dad once more, how much I loved him and missed him." Robert said, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. "I also told him that I'd moved back to Emmerdale Farm and me and Andy were gonna try again. And he laughed, happy for me. Then I took Andy's hand." Robert nodded toward his brother, "And then… it all went dark." Sheepishly Robert smiled at Andy, "If it weren't for you, I would've gone with him to... I don't know. So thanks."

Andy released a long held sigh, "Sure. No problem Brother." Then he added, "You went into cardiac arrest and when they were shocking you, I was – thinking in my head… how much we need ya. I was sort of – yelling out loud and in my head. Begging you to come back."

"Well… it looks like he heard you, love." Annie said softly.

"Did you hear… or see anyone else?" Aaron piped up, his voice a mere whisper.

Robert shook his head, slightly guilty. "No. It was just my Dad. Then Andy."

Aaron nodded slowly, sniffing. "Well, I'm er – I'm glad you got to see your Dad. I know how much it means to ya. Even if it was just a dream."

Robert just tilted his head in acknowledgement. "I guess."  
"Do you think it was just a dream Robert?" Victoria asked, in a terse voice.

"It felt very real." Robert replied, his tone bland. He sidled a look at Aaron, "But – a lot of things seem real in the moment, don't they?"

"How'd'ya mean?" Aaron challenged.

Robert didn't respond. He took a shaking breath, "I – I'm actually feeling kinda tired guys…"

It was a lie. One which they all probably saw through, especially Aaron.

"We'll let you get some rest love." Annie said, patting his legs. "Don't you dare pull out that tube!"

"I won't." He grumbled.

They all filed out of the room, Andy giving his arm a brief squeeze, Victoria and Diane giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

Aaron hung back, his eyes never leaving Robert's face. "I'm glad you chose to come back to – us." He said, his voice caressed with tenderness.

Robert squirmed under the sheets. "Yeah, well I er… guess it wasn't my time." He said, dryly.

Aaron nibbled on his lip. "Maybe it was." He said carefully, "And you chose to come back. Because you wanted to."

Robert continued to stare at the ceiling, but his stomach plummeted.

Aaron had seen his notebook. They all had.

He had hoped he wouldn't be around to face them all after they'd read the contents of his book… but now, here he was, stuck in this tiny room, with a tube up his nose and his dignity torn to shreds.

Aaron stalked out of the room, joining his family on the outside. They peered in through the window, no doubt, discussing his emotional state. Robert closed his eyes tight, mentally kicking himself. Why? Why did he have to tell them all about the bridge and the light and his Dad?

He pursed his lips, turning his head away from the door, so they wouldn't see him trying to hold in a scream.

When his father died, he used to beg, pray, shout, for any sign or signal from his Dad. He used to go to sleep at night, clutching the sheets, hoping his Dad would come to him in a dream.

Dreams are the only place where the dead never leave.

But his father never appeared. So over the years, Robert had given up hoping and praying.

Except now.

The more he dwelled on this dream, this memory, the clearer it played out in his head. The smell of his father, the sound of his laugh and the way he'd hugged Robert. It was loving and kind. A heavy weight of sadness, pressed against his heart. He yearned to go back.

Back to the quarry.

Back to his Dad.

Instead, he was stuck.

A tear escaped from his lid, cascading down his cheek.

Stuck in this rut of a mess he now called life. And he hated it.

* * *

"He seems… better." Victoria said quietly, gazing through the window at her brother, who had fallen asleep.

"You reckon?" Aaron responded, his voice ripe with scepticsm. "Didn't you hear him talking about that - light at the end of the bridge?"

"Well, strange things happen when people almost die." Diane said pointedly, "We don't know if it was a dream or if…"

"If he really saw Jack." Annie finished plainly.

"I like to think he did." Victoria said, pressing her palm to her chest, "They didn't have the best relationship, but I'm glad Robert was at least able to make some kind of peace with him."

"It could just be a dream Vic." Aaron said slowly, his hands itching to slap some sense into all of them. "He wasn't well, even before this."

"It doesn't matter if it was a dream or not." Andy said thinly, "It was real to Rob. He came back to us in the end and that's all that matters."

"Says the hero of the hour." Diane chimed, with a smile. Aaron just rolled his eyes.

"Please, I didn't do anything!" Andy said, shifting in discomfort. "It was all in his head."

"Weird. How he thought of you though." Victoria said, her eyes narrowing in thought. "I mean… it could've been any of us. We were all shouting for him. He could've seen Mum and heard me or Gran or Aaron calling out for him. But he didn't. He heard you."

Andy shrugged, "I don't know what to tell you Vic. I'm not a psychologist. And I'm just as surprised as you."

"Are you?" Annie asked, peering at him curiously, "Before you two decided to become sworn enemies, you were the best of friends. Closer than twins. Joined at the hip. Thick as thieves, Jack would say. And seeing as how Robert's been regressing as of late, it really isn't that suprising." She fiddled with her cane, "Now… which one of you kind people is going to take me down to the canteen and get me some terrible tasting tea?"

* * *

Robert had to wait two more days before they finally discharged him. Along with his family's relentless 'persuasion,' though he called it bullying, he agreed to see a psychologist once a week. He knew he couldn't wriggle out of it. Without a car, he was reliant on Andy chauffeuring him to and from appointments in that rusty old banger of his.

Once Dr Hanley removed the God awful tube from his nose, he found he was able to breathe a lot better.

"You'll still need to be monitored Mr Sugden." Dr Hanley said, his warning ringing clear in his tone.

Robert sighed, wriggling his nose that was now free of that contraption. "I'll be okay doc."

There was a gentle knock at the door. Victoria peeped her head round, smiling softly, "Hiya. Andy's bringing the car round. Gran wanted to come and pick you up but she - er – thought it best to stay back at the farm and tidy up."

Robert shrugged, pulling on an old hoodie, "Whatever. Let's go."

He lapsed into silence during the entire drive back. Curled up in the passenger seat of Andy's tiny car, he gazed miserably out of the window at the blur of skeletal trees darting past, half-listening to Victoria wittering on about Christmas and how they should spend it at the farm.

Andy was the only one who didn't talk to him. He stoically kept his head straight, eyes on the road, only moving his arm to shift the gear stick.

They pulled into the driveway of Emmerdale Farm. Robert's head rested on the window, his eyes drooping. Andy gently nudged him. "Rob? We're home."

Robert stirred, wiping his eye with the back of his hand. "What?" He groaned.

"We're home." Andy repeated, shoving his door open, "C'mon."

"Are you okay?" Victoria asked Robert, her voice laced with concern.

Robert stared at the crumbling farmhouse in front of him, sighing in defeat. "Am I an idiot guys? Tell me the truth."

"Eh?" She gasped, "What you going on about now?"

"Moving back here." He replied, impatiently, "Thinking I could… start over. Am I an idiot?"

"No." Andy said, with sincerity. "I thought – I thought it was a great idea. Is - a great idea Rob. You and me, remember?"

Robert chewed on his lip, his thumbnail clicking against his fingernail in agitation. "What if it's not enough?" He whispered, "What if we can't do it and everyone laughs at us! At me! Like they did with Dad!"

"No one's laughing Robert." Victoria said quickly, clamping her hand on his shoulder.

He aggressively shrugged away from her, "Everyone's always laughing! Especially at me!" He hissed, barrelling out of the car. He moved a little too quickly, his stomach throbbed sharply. Robert gasped, clutching his side.

"Robert!" Victoria cried, rushing toward him, "Take it easy! Please!"

"Let's get him inside Vic!" Andy called, unlocking the back door.

With Victoria clutching onto his arm, Robert allowed her to steady him, leading him slowly into the house.

His grandmother bustled around the kitchen with a broomstick. Upon the table, lay several plates of assorted cheeses and biscuits, sausage rolls and bowls of crisps.

It looked like a spread from his fifth birthday. All that was missing was the jelly and ice-cream.

Diane stood by the sink, washing her hands. She glanced behind her as they shuffled into the house.

"Oh hello pet!" She chimed, beaming.

"I've laid on a small lunch for you Robert." Annie said hesitantly. The kettle began to whistle. She quickly whipped it off the stove, moving it to the sink. Diane manouvered out of her way, carrying a stack of plates, she began to set the table.

Robert just stood to one side, clutching his stomach, gazing in bewilderment at all the fuss.

"Dr Hanley thought it best that you start off with snack type foods." Victoria said, hanging up their coats.

Robert swallowed, his heart sinking. Of course he'd have to eat something, otherwise he'd be back in hospital with that damned tube shoved down his throat.

Andy shut the door behind them, bolting it securely. "Nice one Gran! I'm starving!" He whined, striding to the sink and rolling up his sleeves.

"Wash your hands thoroughly!" Annie barked, "You too Robert and you Victoria! Those hospitals are running amok with all sorts of germs!"

Robert limped to the kitchen sink. He enjoyed the feel of the warm water stinging his cold, calloused hands. He held his hands under the sink, scrubbing them until they were red raw.

Victoria subtly turned the tap off, saying quietly, "Sit yourself down then Rob."

Robert sighed, wiping his dripping hands on a tea towel, aware that all eyes were on him. He took his seat at the head of the table, trying not to show how uncomfortable he felt.

There was a small movement in the corner of his eye. Robert turned toward the living area. Lurking by the door, stood Sarah, shyly watching Robert through her lashes. Clutched close to her heart, was a yellow piece of paper.

"Come on in Sarah!" Diane called, beckoning the young girl closer, "There's a place next your Uncle Rob."

Sarah smiled thinly, scuffling into the kitchen. She obediently sat down next to Robert.

Andy sat down on her other side, "Sarah really wanted to come and see ya Rob." He said, his tone lightening. "Jack wanted to come too but he's got a cold and Gran said not to risk giving you an infection. Sarah darling, show Uncle Rob what you and Jack made him."

Sarah bit her lip, sliding the piece of paper toward Robert. "I – we made it this morning."

"What is it?" Robert asked blankly, staring at it.

"Open it and see!" Diane urged.

Robert gently picked up the card. On the front was a neatly drawn rainbow, it's multicoloured arcs carefully crafted. Underneath was a picture of a man holding onto a small girl's hand and on his other side, he held a little boy. Printed just under that, in bright pink, glittering letters was: 'Get Well Soon Uncle Rob!'

"That's you, me and Jack." Sarah said simply, pointing out the figures, "It was Jack's idea to draw the rainbow."

Robert stared at her, then back at the card. Seeing them under the rainbow like that, brought back the memory of the quarry. The feeling of peace and happiness. An intense feeling of incredulity built up inside him. Robert sniffed, tears prickling his eyes. He set the card down, "Thanks Kid. This – this means a lot." He choked, giving her a warm smile.

Sarah immediately brightened. "When you and Dad get the farm up and running, can me and Jack help out! Like - with the cows and milking and stuff!"

Andy chuckled wearily, "Let's take it one step at a time eh?"

Sarah nodded, soberly saying, "Only till Uncle Rob's better of course."

It always amazed him how kind hearted Sarah was. Considering the fact that she was raised in the most dysfunctional clan he'd ever met. And yet, despite there not being any blood between her or Robert… she was more of a Sugden than he could hope to be.

Robert leaned closer to her, "I'll tell you what Kid… you and Jack can have a really important job. You both can taste test the ice-creams before we sell em. Would you like that?"

She grinned, "Yeah! I can't wait!"

Robert was struck aback at her immediate enthusiasm. She reminded him forcibly of Andy, when he was younger, in the way he always loved life and the adventures it offered up, despite his tough upbringing. Had it been their mother's death and the weight of guilt which drained all the enthusiasm from his brother?

Sarah was battling a lifelong illness, in fact she probably wouldn't even make it into her thirties. And yet here she was, eating, drinking and laughing as if she didn't have a care in the world.

How did she do it?

How did Andy do it? Knowing she could be snatched from him at any moment?

Robert nibbled on a cream cracker, if anything to shut the others up. He quietly observed, as they all chatted away, laughing at Sarah's terrible jokes or anecdotes about school.

Robert had never made much of an effort with Sarah. He never bothered to think why. Maybe because it was too painful. To get close to her, knowing that one day… she would leave them.

He couldn't take anymore people leaving him.

"So listen Rob," Andy started, helping himself to more food, "I was thinking… the old cottage further down the farm, is there any chance I can – you know – have it?"

Robert shook himself out of his daze. "Er… you mean Hawthorne cottage?"

"Yeah, I checked it out yesterday." Andy replied, licking a slick of butter off his thumb, "It's a nice size. Obviously it needs a lot of work but, seeing as we're fixing the farm up anyway, we might as well fix up the cottage too."

"You – you want to move out?" Robert his voice emerging in a whimper.

"Well the cottage is just sitting there, all empty and begging to be used." Andy responded, oblivious to Robert's growing distress, "So why not?"

"Won't it be a bit - cramped?" Robert said, keeping his desperation to a minimum.

"You're joking?" Andy scoffed, "Compared to the places I've stayed this past year and half, it's like Cinderella's palace!"

"Castle, Dad!" Sarah chimed, rolling her eyes.

"Besides Robert, you lived there when you were a boy!" Annie said, pouring him some tea.

"I know, I know Gran. And I had some good times there with Mum and Dad." Robert said, his tone growing heavy. "I'm only thinking of Andy. Don't you wanna stay here anymore?"

Andy looked up at him, apologetically, "Of course! Look, I'll still be here Rob, I'm only gonna be a bit further down the field! That's all!"

"Yeah but… I thought we were gonna fix this place up first." Robert said, his voice small.

"We will. I just need a place for the kids, when they come over." Andy said calmly, "Come on Rob! You're not gonna want us all running around the place! You need some peace and quiet. You'll want your house back!"

"Well… you guys are always welcome here." Robert said, glancing at Sarah and trying to mask his disappointment, "Seriously. I didn't just buy back Emmerdale Farm for me. It's for all of us. It's your home as much as mine. Just like it used to be when I was a kid, and we had people walking in and out…"

"Yes." Annie said quietly, watching him. She wasn't smiling.

"I'll pay rent of course!" Andy said quickly.

Robert shook his head, "You can have the cottage Andy. It'll essentially be your stake in the farm. And the land around the cottage – it's yours."

In all honesty, it was the least he could do.

Andy gaped at him, as did the others. "Who are you? What have you done with my brother?" He asked cautiously.

Robert squirmed in embarrassment, "Nothing, just - consider it an early Christmas and birthday gift. For the next… ten years!"

Andy laughed, too aghast to churn out any words, "Erm… gosh Rob. Thanks…"

"You can pay me back by doing most of the graft work." Robert replied with a wink.

"Maybe I should raise you from the dead next time, then I can finally get my restaurant." Victoria said, pretending to pout.

"Victoria!" Annie chided, with an awkward chuckle.

Robert laughed along with them, though a shiver of fear quivered down his spine.

Andy rolled his eyes, wrapping his arms around Sarah, "We've got a place on the farm now sweetheart!"

Sarah squealed, "Thank you Uncle Rob! I'm really happy my Dad's staying. It means a lot to me. And Jack."

Robert was so shocked by Sarah's sincerity, he couldn't speak. It was only when she settled back down, beaming from ear to ear in true happiness, he found the words to say gently, "It's for you too Kid. You and Jack. For all the Christmases and birthdays I missed, because I was too stupid and stubborn to come home and… forge a relationship with you. I've been a terrible Uncle. Can you ever forgive me?"

Sarah smiled softly, reaching over, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "There. From me and Little Jack."

Robert swallowed over the aching lump rising in his throat. "Thanks Kid." He whispered, his eyes stinging.

They were all finally moving on. Andy was going to set up a home with his kids. His grandmother would retreat back to her quiet life in Spain. Victoria and Diane would bustle on with their lives in the village.

And he'd be left alone, to rattle around in the farmhouse. Just as he wanted to, all along.

So why did he feel like shit?

"You okay there Rob?" Andy asked, his tone light.

Robert plastered on a false smile. "Yeah mate. Just tired."

"I don't blame ya." Victoria said, with sympathy.

"Well go up and have a nap then." Annie suggested, "This stuff will keep."

"Yeah I think I'll do that." Robert said, already rising from his seat.

"Do you want me to come with ya?" Victoria asked.

Robert narrowed his eyes, "I don't need my little sister tucking me in, thanks Vic!" He said sourly.

Victoria held up her hands, "I'm only asking! Don't bite my head off!"

Robert hovered beside his seat, addressing the table, with as much honesty as he could muster, "Look erm...thanks for being here guys. I really appreciate it." He winked at Sarah, "Especially you Kid."

"See you later Uncle Rob." She said, with a small wave, as he headed off to his room.

Robert climbed his staircase, towards his bedroom, listening to the rest of them talk in hushed tones. No doubt about him.

He reached the top of the staircase, peering around his room. Already he knew his grandmother must've run a hoover through the room and shoved all his clothes back into the wardrobe. Trying to frantically erase the fact that he almost died in here. Well…

Robert slowly pushed the bathroom door open. Everything was exactly as it was before he'd had the heart attack. Neatly in place. He just stared at the bath tub, his body trembling.

He was back. After everything… he was back where he started.

Robert sank to the floor, resting his back against the spine of the door. He pulled his knees up to his chest, letting his head fall on his kneecaps.

The whole village was probably frothing at the mouth, gossiping about him right now. He hated to think about what Aaron would have to face, in his defence. All the questions, the whispers, the noise...

The only thing that Robert was sure of... was his Dad and the quarry. He'd had a small taste of true freedom. He didn't know what it meant to feel that free. To feel the entire weight of the world suddenly lift off his shoulders. The conversation he'd had with his father, played over and over in his mind, on a loop. He couldn't shake it off. And it didn't just disappear, like he thought it would. 

Robert curled his fingers into his palms.

He'd have to find some way to go back. Back to the quarry. Where he'd see his Dad again...

* * *

_to be continued..._


	21. Grandmother's Footsteps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the lovely reviews! You guys are the best! And on with the story...

Robert draped one leg over his knee, folding his arms tightly across his chest. He glared at the peeling leather on his armrest, unsure of why his heart was hammering so fast.

Dr Ryder, the stoic, middle-aged doctor that Dr Cavanagh had reccomended for him, sat in an armchair opposite, his pen nib hovering over a yellow pad of paper. Robert eyed the pen nervously. It seemed like a nail… ready to chip away at the comfortable wall he'd built for himself over the past seventeen years.

"So. Robert." Dr Ryder started, with a grimace.

"So. Doc." Robert rounded back, a sarcastic smirk playing about his lips.

"How have you been?" Dr Ryder asked, his tone measured.

"How have I been?" Robert parroted, "Well, I've seen better days."

"How's your eating habits?"

"Better. Now that I'm eating snacks." Robert said blandly, "I haven't started on full meals yet. My Gran keeps cooking and trying to feed me but – I'm not ready. I won't be able to keep it down."

"Okay. So, Robert… do you want to start by telling me why you've been starving yourself?" Dr Ryder asked lightly.

Robert picked at a piece of skin around his thumbnail, shrugging. "I didn't do it on purpose or to piss anyone off. I don't have an eating disorder or anything. I just didn't have an appetite and when I did eat food, I used to feel anxious and then couldn't keep the stuff down."

"Yes but you neglected your appetite to a point where you had a heart attack." Dr Ryder said slowly, as if talking to a small child, furthermore making Robert's temper prickle.

"Yes I am aware of that Dr Ryder. I was actually there at the time." Robert said, through clenched teeth.

"Right." Dr Ryder made a tiny note on his pad. "And there's an understanding that you induced the heart attack. By climbing into an icy cold bath."

Robert shrugged again. "So what if I was?"

"Why did you do it Robert?"

There is was again. That soft, probing voice that would allow this quack to poke his finger into Robert's psyche!

"Because I'm bored." Robert said stiffly. "Bored and… tired. Well, no - actually… I'm just… I'm just tired."

Dr Ryder subtly dashed his pen across his pad. "Tired about what?" He asked.

"My situation." Robert replied, before he could stop himself.

"And what situation would that be?" Dr Ryder asked softly.

"Hmm, let's see." Robert released an exaggerated sigh, "Well. I died. Sort of. Came back. Had some feeding tube shoved up my nose, that went down my throat and into my stomach. So, that was fun. Then I went back home to everyone trying to fatten me up, fussing over me, talking to me. They won't even let me have a piss without someone listening on the other side of the door! Do you know how embarrassing that is?"

Dr Ryder's eyes bored into his.

Robert swallowed, his own eyes darting away. "Nah. Don't suppose you do."

"Near death experiences can be quite traumatic." Dr Ryder said placidly, "It's all right to admit that you feel unnerved by the experience."

"But I wasn't! That's the point!" Robert said, in fustration. "I – I went somewhere really peaceful. And my Dad was there and – I wanted to go with him but – I'm back here."

"Your father's passed on?" Dr Ryder said, after a moment.

Robert nodded, "Yeah. Coming up to nine years, in Feb." He let his head fall back against the sofa. Then… "Wow." He uttered.

Dr Ryder leaned a little closer, "What is it?"

"Nine years." Robert whispered, "It doesn't feel like it. But my Dad's been dead almost a decade and I – I still feel him…whenever I'm outside, in the fields or when it rains… I feel his prescence more than I ever did when he was alive." His eyes began to sting. He squeezed his lids shut, pushing the tears back.

Dr Ryder shifted in his seat. "What was your relationship like with your father?"

There it is! The jackpot question!

Robert almost laughed out loud. "How long you got?"

Dr Ryder actually smiled, "Take your time."

Robert swallowed. "Well it was complicated. After my er… my natural Mum died in this – this car accident. I was only a baby. Four months old. It was up to my Dad and Gran to – raise me. For the longest time it was just me and him. Kind of like – us against the world! Then he met Sarah. She became my Mum. I loved her. But – things slid downhill over the years."

He had to spit the words out now, like spitting out shards of glass from his lips. He didn't like this. Talking about his dead mothers, his dead parents, ripping open old wounds, vocally admitting that he was an orphan and everyone ends up leaving! This was supposed to be helping him, not hurting him!

"Sorry." Robert mumbled, clearing his throat, "It's – sensitive."

"I noticed you speak of her in past tense. Did something happen? Did she and your father get a divorce?" Dr Ryder asked curiously.

Robert's trembling fingers dug fiercely into his palm. He whispered, "They almost did. But – er, they never quite made it…"

Dr Ryder narrowed his eyes, "How come?"

He was getting dangerously close now. Robert's eyes scanned the room, desperate for a way out.

"She - she died." Robert replied, keeping his voice steady. "Before – anything could happen. It was er – seventeen years. Last month."

"Well, I'm sorry she died. Was it another accident?" Dr Ryder pressed, unable to bar the sympathy from his tone.

 _Another_  accident. God, he really was an unlucky sod wasn't he? How was it possible that both his kind, sweet mothers died in the most brutal catastrophes, but he willingly climbs into an ice bath with a heart attack and then gets sent back to life?

_How?_

"No. It wasn't an accident." Robert said, the bitterness leaking into his voice, "Well – it was. And it wasn't."

 _"_ _Jaaaaaack!"_

Robert fidgeted with his sleeves, picking at the fraying denim. At Dr Ryder's probing look, he continued reluctantly. "She died in a barn fire. It was set by my brother. He was trying to claim on the insurance so we wouldn't lose our farm. Our – bloody farm." Robert rubbed his temple with his thumb. "But er – he didn't know my - our Mum was in there. With her boyfriend, they'd gone in there to do – whatever and… yeah she died."

 _"_ _Mum! Where is she? Mum!"_

 _"_ _Jaaaaaaaack!"_

Robert suddenly lurched forward, resting his arms on his knees. "Sorry Dr Ryder, I – I don't see how bringing this up is gonna help."

Dr Ryder was quiet for a few seconds. Then he tilted his head to the side, observing Robert as he said, "Did you ever have any counselling after your mother's death?"

Robert shook his head, sighing again in defeat. "Okay look… I was meant to – Andy and I both were but… we didn't really have time. You see, my Dad was arrested for her murder. He was cleared and everything! But Andy and I had to give evidence at the trial. We were only fourteen."

"That's a great deal, for a young adolecent to deal with." Dr Ryder said, his voice hushed. "Losing your mother and then standing witness on a murder trial for your father."

"Then finding out that my brother was behind the whole thing." Robert added dully. "I barely had time to catch my breath."

"How did you react when you found out that your brother was behind the fire?" Dr Ryder asked.

 _'_ _You killed my Mum for insurance money!'_

 _'_ _She was my Mum as well!'_

 _'_ _Don't you say that! She was never your Mum! Your Mum left ya!'_

 _'_ _Robert, I loved Sarah too!'_

 _'_ _Love? You don't know what love means!'_

"Obviously I flipped." Robert replied, in a daze, all the jigsaws of his memories, finally slotting into place. "And that was it. The beginning of the end."

"Of what?"

Robert lifted his head up, his eyes lifeless. "My life as I knew it. It was like… that little boy just – disappeared. And I don't know where he's gone. I thought he was dead but, I know he's in here somewhere." He tapped his head, "Always whispering to me about the good old days. Taunting me about how easy my life used to be. Pisses me off."

Dr Ryder nodded slowly, scrutinising Robert's face. He scribbled something on the notepad, then shuffled up straighter, forcing a smile on his face. "Right. Robert, I er – I think that's it for today."

Robert frowned, "But – it's not even been an hour?"

"I know when to stop." Dr Ryder said gently, "And I'm not going to sit here and push you into talking about things you don't want to. I've been doing this job for nearly thirty years Robert. I know when a patient's about to crack up on me."

Robert released a low whistle through his teeth. "Look. Doc. Please don't – pretend that you care about me. Or my problems."

"What makes you think I don't care?" Dr Ryder asked, his tone sharpening.

"Please." Robert scoffed, "I'm just a slot in the diary for you. Another sad case to drone on and on while you glance at the clock and doodle on that notepad!"

"Robert, you are very much mistaken if you think I don't care." Dr Ryder said sternly, "I care about all my patients. Including you. I get to know you, your stories, your history. You've already become so much more than just a slot in my diary. This morning you were just – my two o'clock. Now. You're Robert Jacob Sugden. You have a name, a face and a story. And if you'll let me… I'd like to help you compartmentalize all your thoughts. Because they're all over the place, am I right?"

Shyly, Robert nodded, mumbling, "Yep."

"Yeah. I thought so. " Dr Ryder's tone softened. "So please don't say I don't care. Because I do."

Robert swallowed over the aching lump rising in his throat. "Well I er… I guess it wouldn't hurt to have someone on my side."

* * *

Annie shuffled along the path outside her old house, grateful for the fresh air. How many years had she spent here? The best and worst parts of her life, it seemed.

She glanced up as a dark blue car crunched on the gravel. Aaron hopped out of the driver seat, offering her his shy smile.

"Hello!" Annie greeted warmly. "What brings you up here?"

Aaron jabbed his thumb over his shoulder at the car, saying, "I was on my way into Hotten to see a scrap client and I er – I just thought I'd stop by and see if everything was all right. With er – with Robert."

Annie's face fell slightly. "Oh well, I'm sorry love, I'm afraid Robert isn't here. He started his first session of counselling today."

Aaron raised his eyebrows in surprise, "Robert's seeing a counsellor?"

"Well, a psychiatrist really." Annie said, fidgeting with her gloves.

Aaron narrowed his eyes, "You don't sound like you approve?"

"It's not that!" Annie responded, in a fluster. "It's just... they seemed to think a complete stranger can talk to him for an hour, then they'll stick a label on him and chuck a load of pills down his throat! When what he really needs is a good meal, some decent rest and his family around him!"

Aaron swallowed, unsure of what to say. "But erm… it - it might help him to deal with stuff."

Annie shook her head, her eyes clouding with worry, "I know Robert and I know how this goes. If they diagnose him with something, he'll continue to use it as an excuse to carry on as he is. Every time he slips up and decides to lock himself in the house for a month or starve himself to death again – he'll blame it on his 'condition' or whatever nonsense. In my day we just got up and got on with it.' She sighed, leaning against her cane, "Or maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm too old to know how to help him."

"Or maybe you're just a person who watched someone they love… almost die." Aaron said, his voice a whisper amongst the harsh wind.

Annie eyed him up, with interest. "You sound like you're speaking for two of us."

Aaron sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Maybe I am. I – I just don't know what to do."

"You need to just talk to each other!" Annie shot out, with such an aggressive fustration, Aaron actually jumped. "I have half a mind to smack your heads together!"

"Every time I try and talk to him, he just pushes me away!" Aaron responded, vexed. "I can't sit on him and force him to listen to me!"

Annie sighed. The two of them stood there for a few seconds, stewing in awkward silence. Annie suddenly grabbed onto Aaron's arm. "I'll tell you what to do. Tonight, around six o'clock, I'm going to visit a friend in Robblesfield. Andy will be at The Woolpack. The house will be empty." She said, her eyes sparkling.

Aaron cottoned on to her meaning. He shifted nervously, "But erm, what about Robert? Are you sure you want to leave him on his own?" He asked, pointedly.

"Except he won't be on his own will he?" Annie said sweetly.

Aaron shook his head slowly, "I don't think – he won't open the door!"

"He will." Annie countered simply, "Because I have a plan that is guaranteed to work in your favour."

"You'd actually plot against him?" Aaron asked, in mild disbelief.

"If I thought it would help him? Absolutely!" Annie said firmly.

Aaron almost laughed. "Wow. You really are Robert's grandmother."

She winked at him. "Now, here's what we're going to do…"

* * *

"So how was your first session?" Andy asked, keeping his tone measured as they trundled down the narrow country roads.

Robert shrugged, nibbling on his thumbnail. "It was okay. Mainly just… chatted about stuff."

Andy sidled a glance at him. "Do you reckon it helped?"

Robert shifted uncomfortably in the tiny seat, "It was only the first one. And Dr Ryder seems to know what he's doing."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, he er – prescribed me some anti-anxiety pills. But he said to use them sparingly because they might fuck up my appetite." He chuckled wearily, "Well, he didn't use those words! But you get the gist."

Andy laughed, nervously. "And you're gonna take the pills right?"

"Yes." Robert replied, irritated. "Why do you ask me that?"

"Because I know you Rob." Andy sighed, "If you think you're having side effects, just tell us or your doctor, rather than suffer in silence like you always do!"

"I will." Robert murmured, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

"I'm serious Rob!" Andy scolded, "Because we can't go through this again! Gran can't - !"

"I said I'll take em all right!" Robert snapped. "Quit having a go at me Andy, I'm not in the mood!"

"I'm not having a go! I just want you to get better soon so we can get this farm up and running!" Andy responded heatedly. "I need to start getting some money in!"

Robert opened his mouth to argue, but then stopped himself. Of course this was taking a huge toll on his family. He didn't realise. Mainly because he was so unused to them making such a fuss. Now that they were, he didn't know how to handle it.

Robert released a long sigh. "Sorry Andy. I'm just… trying to tread water here."

"Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?" Andy asked sourly.

"Eh? No! I'm still figuring things out, that's what I meant."

Robert lapsed into a moody silence for the rest of the drive. Andy kept shooting apologetic glances at him.

When they arrived back at the farm, Annie greeted them with a smile only to be brushed off by a surly Robert, trapising straight up to his room.

"Blimey, what's rattled his cage?" Annie huffed, jerking his head toward the staircase door, which Robert just slammed.

Andy shrugged out of his parka, giving her a warning look, "Ah, he's just in a mardy mood."

"So I take it the session went well then?" Annie asked shrewedly.

Andy gave her a look as he hung up his coat. "Don't start Gran. It's still early days. Anyway, Rob seems to think the doctor's good so we should just take his word for it. Is there any tea in the pot?"

Annie lifted the lid, peering into the teapot, "Only the dregs. I'll make you a fresh brew." She hobbled to the kettle. "And maybe you can take a cup to Morrissey up there."

The staircase door creaked open, Robert sauntered into the kitchen mumbling, "I'm surprised you even know who Morrissey is."

"Ah, it speaks then." Annie shot out, sticking the kettle under the faucet.

Robert rolled his eyes, dropping into a seat. "Please Gran don't - "

"Don't what?"

"I'm just having one of those days, all right?"

"You're always having one of those days." Annie muttered, pottering around the kitchen.

Andy exchanged a raised eyebrow with Robert who sighed. "Okay. I'm sorry for being rude when I came in."

"There." Annie glanced over her shoulder as she wiped the counter down, "That wasn't so hard was it?"

Andy chuckled to himself, shaking his head. "Look, I'm going down to the pub later. Want to come?"

"I can't love." Annie said, tossing away the old rag, "I'm meeting an old friend in Robblesfield later tonight."

"Your friends are still alive?" Robert asked, smirking in disbelief.

That earned him a cheeky clip round the ear.

"Yes Robert!" Annie said prissily. "She's the only friend I still have left in this country. I don't know when I'll see her again and I intend to make the most of this visit."

Robert pouted in jest, "And here's me thinking we were your best friends!"

Annie ignored him. "Andy, I'll need a lift into town."

Andy nodded. "Sure thing. Rob, you gonna come for a drink?"

Robert opened his mouth to reply, but Annie jumped in, "No! Er… Robert has to stay here."

Andy frowned, "Why?"

"Yeah, why?" Robert echoed, curiously.

Annie folded her arms, giving him a chiding look. "This place needs to be sorted out properly, before you get the decorators in. Changing a few sheets and hanging up some curtains isn't good enough. Andy nearly tripped up on one of those boxes, you left lying around near the door. And the parlour is an absolute tip, no one can sit in there! We can't keep living in two rooms!"

"So, why do I have to sort it out by myself?" Robert asked, scowling.

"Because it's your house now, my love." Annie said, in a sugary voice. "This is what it means to be an adult."

"I don't mind helping him." Andy interjected carefully, "I thought we were gonna do it this weekend anyway."

"It'll be better if Robert gets a head start!" Annie said quickly. "That way he can keep his mind occupied, rather than sulking in the pub or lurking around in his room like a mardy teenager!"

"Ugh!" Robert groaned. "Fine! I'll sort out the boxes. Didn't feel like going out anyway."

The kettle began to whistle. Annie turned back to the stove, a triumphant smirk playing upon her lips.

* * *

Aaron sipped his lemonade, keeping a careful eye on the time. He had persuaded, or rather bribed Liv into staying with Gabby for the night. Not that he was expecting anything to happen.

"No beer?" Chas asked, sliding open the till, "You on some kind of pre-Christmas detox or summat?"

"As if?" Aaron scoffed. "Nah, I'm er… I'm driving somewhere in a bit, so…"

Chas raised an eyebrow, smirking slightly, "Oh yeah? Anywhere interesting?"

"Just someone's house." Aaron muttered, taking another small sip.

Chas's eyes widened. "I see! And is this 'just someone,' a person you've been seeing recently?"

"Not recently, no." Aaron said evenly. "But I'm hoping all that will change."

"Well, if you think this 'just someone' is worth fighting for, then you should go for it." Chas said, grinning.

Aaron smiled back at her. "Yeah. You know what? I think I'll do that."

Right on cue, Andy entered the pub alone. He raised an eyebrow at Charity, grabbing her attention, "Pint please! And another of whatever Vic's having."

"No Robert today then?" Charity asked, balancing a tumbler under the beer tap.

Andy chortled, shaking his head, "Nah! Gran's got him back at the farm, sorting out boxes before the decorators get their hands on the place!"

Aaron caught Victoria's eye and she gave him a subtle thumbs up. He nodded back in acknowledgement, stealthily sneaking out of the pub.

* * *

Robert chucked an old shoe box onto the 'recycling pile,' cursing his family for being such hoarders. Wiping his hands on his jeans, he tied up his third bin liner, now bursting at the seams with miscellaneous items.

His phone pinged. Picking his way over the bits of junk he'd lain out on the living room floor, Robert grabbed his phone off the mantlepiece and glanced at it.

Vic:

_Gran forgot her key, she needs to pick up her scarf. Says it's cold. Can you open the kitchen door for her? DON'T keep her waiting._

_X_

Robert frowned. He could've sworn his Gran had her scarf tucked around her neck, as she scurried out of the house earlier. And it was odd that Victoria mentioned the kitchen door specifically. She knew that was the only door they used. The main front door was just for show. Always had been.

Robert tapped out a response, shaking his head in a huff.

_Fine._

He manouvered into the kitchen, unbolting the door and leaving it on the latch. Then he carried on back to work, unpacking a box of books dating back to the seventies. Robert stared at the thick, dusty tomes cluttering the box. What the hell was he supposed to do with all of this? Examining one of the tattered, leather spines, they looked like an assortment of travel books, encyclopedias and farming. In exasperation, he lifted out the books, one by one.

There was a quiet knock at the door.

"Yeah, it's open!" Robert hollered over his shoulder, absently leafing through the thin pages of a 1978 volume on grain investments.

The door creaked open, then slammed shut.

"You okay Gran?" Robert called out.

Footsteps shuffled into the living room.

"Vic said you left your scarf behind." Robert said, lifting out another book.

"Not exactly."

The husky voice cut through the room like a knife. And God only knows, Robert would recognise that voice anywhere. Even in the dark. He spun around in shock, almost dropping the book.

Aaron stood in the doorway of the kitchen, gazing at Robert with a kind of burning intensity, he hadn't seen in months.

"Robert." He whispered, "We need to talk."

* * *

to be continued...


	22. Dancing In The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So sorry for the delay but work has been kicking my backside lately! Anyway, enjoy this one! And please let me know what you think!

Robert couldn't stop staring.

Aaron.

He was here. Here. In his house. In Emmerdale Farm.

"What are you doing here?" Robert asked. He didn't mean for his words to sound so harsh, he was just still too shocked.

Aaron glanced at the back door, scuffling his feet nervously. "I – your Gran thought we needed to hash out some stuff."

Robert scoffed. "Gran. Of course." He dropped the book back into the box, kicking it to one side so he could move to the others. "No wonder she's got me packing all this crap by myself, while everyone else is drinking it up at the pub!"

"We didn't mean to trick ya!" Aaron said quickly, his eyes following Robert around the room. "It's just – you don't seem to want to talk to me these days."

Robert shrugged, absently picking up an ugly looking lamp and wrapping the wire around its body. "It's not just you, I don't really want to talk to anyone. Besides, I've… been busy. With this place." He carefully lowered the lamp into the 'charity' box.

Aaron glanced around the house. "So. This is the famous Emmerdale Farm then?"

Robert quirked his head in a half-nod. "Yeah. Bit of a shithole isn't it?"

Aaron's eyes crinkled with suppressed laughter. "Nah. Just… unlived in. But er… I guess you're gonna change all of that now you're… moving back properly." He said, the smile melting from his eyes.

Robert nodded stiffly. "It's my home. Place has been in my family for over a hundred years. I was born here. And I'll probably die here."

He heard Aaron's sharp intake of breath. "Is that why you moved back?" He asked, his voice trembling, "Did you have the whole thing planned?"

Robert shook his head, roughly folding up an old blanket and shoving it in a bin bag, "No. When I bought the place back… I just needed my old home. It's the only place that's truly belonged to me. By right."

"It's a nice place." Aaron said, his voice contracting. "It's a lot bigger than I thought."

Robert ran a hand over the back of his head, "Well, I'd give you the grand tour but er, things are a bit of a mess at the moment."

"So er – you sorting stuff out?" Aaron asked, indicating the overflowing bin bags and tattered boxes of junk, strewn about the place.

"Yeah. Before we decorate the place." Robert answered shortly, tying the bin bag into a tight knot. He ran his fingers over the wall. "I want to strip it all down and then re-build it. Better. Stronger. So it's ready to go again."

There was an awkward silence lingering after his words. Both of them remembering the fond memories of decorating the Mill before… everything.

"Yeah it's er – it's gonna be great." Robert said with forced enthusiasm. He didn't smile. Didn't even look at Aaron. "Andy's really excited. I'm even giving him an old cottage on the land. For free."

"Blimey. That's – nice of you." Aaron said, suspicion leaking into his tone.

Robert lifted his head up defiantly. "It'll be better if he stays on the land. For our business."

"What business?" Aaron asked curiously.

"Sugden Boys. Ice-cream." Robert answered, avoiding all eye contact, lest Aaron burst out laughing. "We're gonna turn Emmerdale Farm into a dairy farm. Then… make and sell ice-cream. There's a lot of money in it."

He finally snuck a peek at Aaron, who was watching him with a look of soft awe on his face.

"I think that's brilliant Robert." Aaron said softly.

"You do?" Robert countered, taken aback.

"Yeah." Aaron nodded, "Yeah, I do. And I think you'll be great. You – are a great businessmen." His eyes were gleaming.

Robert didn't say anything. It was hard. To not think about all the plans they'd talked about. Now… here he was… making plans. Starting a new life, a new business venture and a making a new home. For himself. And the penny dropped. That's why Aaron was here. To see for himself if Robert had really moved on.

"Well er... it was a dream we both had when were kids." Robert said, his voice thinning. "Now I guess we're old enough to make it real."

Aaron stared at the floor, no doubt thinking about all the dreams they'd once shared. Robert turned away, unable to look.

"I er… I heard you saw a psychiatrist today." Aaron said slowly.

"News travels fast." Robert muttered, grabbing a roll of binliners off the windowsill and ripping a bag off.

"How was it?" Aaron asked cautiously.

Robert let the bin liner flutter from his fingers. He sighed. "Aaron. What are you doing here?"

Aaron's body deflated, he started to walk towards Robert. "Listen, Robert I need to - "

The lights flickered.

Aaron halted. They both gazed up at the lights. They flickered once more, then fizzled out. The only light was the soft amber glow, raidiating from the fire.

"Great!" Robert groaned, "Power cut! That's all I bloody need!"

"Do you want me to take a look - ?"

"It's fine, I have candles." Robert said curtly, kicking his way toward the kitchen area, his shoulder lightly brushing against Aaron's. Aaron felt a jolt of electricity shoot through him at the mere touch.

Robert didn't seem to notice. He rootled through the kitchen, for his supply of candles and matches, ranting to himself. Aaron leaned against the door, watching him, with a sad smile lingering on his lips. Robert quickly lined a few candles up on the table and lit a match with one effortless strike. He cupped the delicate flame with one hand, resting it on the wick. Aaron's breath caught in his throat. The tiny flame illuminated Robert's handsome face. He looked like a demi-god, despite his wan complexion.

Robert shook the match out. Glancing up, he caught Aaron staring at him, his mouth hanging open a little.

"What is it?" Robert asked, feigning curiosity. He knew that look. Too well.

Aaron tore his gaze away. Robert wasn't his to gawp at anymore.

"Er – nothing just… trying to see ya. That's all. It's dark." Aaron said, his voice cracking.

"Yeah it is." Robert said, after a moment.

Their thoughts raced back briefly to the cold Winter nights spent in the darkness of their bedroom, huddled under the sheets, pressing their flushed bodies together.

Just them against the world.

Robert flicked the match away, keeping his back to Aaron.

"So. What are you doing here?" Robert asked again, his voice deadpan.

"I wanted to see ya." Aaron replied, his voice cautious. "And – I know you probably didn't want to see me… but… there are some things I need to say to ya. And it needs to be said now."

"Good or bad?" Robert asked, still keeping his back to Aaron.

"Eh?"

"The things you need to say. Are they good or bad? Because if it's bad, I don't want to hear them! Especially not here."

He could barely even look at the Mill without feeling that sickening punch to the gut. But this was his home and he didn't want any bad memories made here. It was supposed to be a fresh start, for himself. To prove that he was capable of moving on.

"Robert I came here to tell you that I can't do this anymore!" Aaron said, firing his words out like bullets. "I can't stay away from you and – and watch you suffering - !"

"Took you long enough." Robert interrupted, before he could stop himself.

"Don't be like that, please!" Aaron begged, his voice breaking. "I – I only stayed away because I cared too much. I love you too much and – and that's why I couldn't be around ya!"

"But you can be around me now?" Robert asked, his voice tightening. "Why? Because I almost died?"

"Yeah." Aaron responded, his voice small. "If I lost you, it would kill me too."

Robert tensed his grip on the kitchen counter. "I don't know how to respond to that Aaron. A while ago I could've told you how I felt but now… too much has happened."

"Yeah, but we can work through it." Aaron said, desperation leaking into his voice. "Robert please turn around and look at me. I don't like talking to your back."

Truth be told, Aaron's arms were itching to circle themselves around Robert's waist and hold on tight. The longer Robert stood like that, the harder it was to resist.

Robert finally spun around, his eyes flashing. "Why not? I've had to deal with people talking behind my back for months now!"

"Come on, don't be like this!" Aaron countered wearily, "I was the one sticking up for ya!"

Robert just shrugged. "Didn't feel like it. Once again I was on my own. I'm always on my own… and… I've made peace with that. But I thought after everything we went through last year, I thought maybe – maybe you could help me too. That we could help each other. That two, damaged, broken people could actually fix each other. But I was wrong."

Tears dripped off Aaron's chin. "Please stop talking." He sniffed, "I don't think you're damaged - "

"I am." Robert interjected coolly. "Do you know what I hear every night I go to sleep?"

Aaron shook his head, wiping his eyes with his palm.

"I hear my Mum." Robert said, his voice vibrating. "I hear her screaming for my Dad to help her, screaming in pain as she's being burned alive. By beautiful, brilliant Mum. I was fourteen years old. And I stood by… and watched her get blown to smithereens right in front of me. Then the next morning I had to listen to someone tell me that - they had to - scrape her off the barn - " He gritted his teeth, unable to choke out the words.

"Come here!" Aaron whimpered, lurching toward him.

Robert threw up a hand, moving around the table, almost jostling the candle. The flame danced quickly in the sudden movement. "I'm all right!" He murmured.

"No you're not." Aaron said, staring at him, his eyes glistening. "For God's sake Robert, you really need - "

"What?" Robert asked roughly. "What do I need? Everyone is so keen to tell me what I do and don't need to do! That's why I shut myself up in here in the first place! To get away from it all – to - to make them all stop!"

"Hang on, I drove myself nuts thinking about you in here!" Aaron suddenly yelled. "I didn't know if you were alive or dead!"

"How was I supposed to know if you genuinely cared!" Robert shouted back. "The last time you saw me hurting, you just texted me the name of a counsellor and told me you didn't want to know - "

"No, I never said that!" Aaron rebuked hotly, "I said I couldn't get involved!"

"Oh sorry, my mistake!" Robert snapped, his tone oozing sarcasm. "Well you know what? It doesn't matter, none of it does. Because the demons in here…" He jabbed his head, "They're always gonna stay with me! You know that, it's no point pretending otherwise. We can run and run all we like, but it'll always be there! Don't you get it? I don't need a therapist, I need a fucking exorcist!" He kicked a chair in fustration, covering his eyes, taking deep breaths.

Aaron watched him, his entire body riddled with torment. He wanted nothing more than to soothe and comfort the man in front of him, the man he had loved with all his heart, for three whole years.

It was the longest he'd ever loved anyone. And he'd messed it all up.

Robert unpeeled his palm from his eyes, sniffling slightly. "I can't do this again." He said, through gritted teeth. "I just can't."

"Neither can I." Aaron said thickly.

Robert nodded toward the door, "See yourself out then."

He snatched up a couple of candles and stalked toward his staircase. He didn't bother to shut the door because he knew Aaron wouldn't listen to him. Sure enough as Robert traipsed up the stairs to his room, he heard the shuffling footsteps of Aaron following him.

It was like their first time and the garage all over again.

Robert set one candle down carefully upon the dresser and then placed the other by the window. Aaron reached the top, ducking under the large wooden beam stretching across the room.

"Is this your room then?" Aaron asked, shoving his hands in his pockets. The candlelight glow danced across his body.

It was on the tip of Robert's tongue to say that tecnhically these were all his rooms, but he knew how that would come across. So he just sighed, "It was my parents old room. I was born in here."

Aaron's mouth fell open a little. "Oh." He gasped softly, "That's erm, that's really cool."

"It is?" Robert asked blankly.

"Yeah. It's like I'm learning a new piece of ya. Being in here. In this house, this room…" Aaron said, tenatively taking a step toward him.

"Me too." Robert replied quietly. He sank down on the bed, the creak echoing loudly around the room.

Aaron paused outside the bathroom door, nodding towards it. "What's in there?"

"Bathroom." Robert muttered, knowing what was coming.

Aaron tensed. "Oh. So is that where… you…?"

Robert just nodded.

"Can I see?" Aaron asked, his voice a little bolder.

Robert lifted his head, to gaze at him in confusion. "If you want."

Aaron gently pushed open the bathroom door. His eyes swept the tiny room, illuminated by a sliver of moonlight, which streamed in graciously from the skylight window. There was a small sink, a toilet and that damned bath tub, all squashed within the same ficinity. But… it smelled of Robert.

Aaron closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of that thirty quid shower gel, still lingering in the stale air. God he missed that smell.

Robert's toothbrush hung in the holder on the sink shelf. His aftershave bottles, deodorant cans and pots of hair gel which simply screamed…Robert, were all littered around the bathroom. A smirk twitched at Aaron's cheek as he spied a rolled up issue of Death Note propped against a shelf.

Slowly, Aaron shut the door, a weight pressing against his heart. There were times when he would usually ignore the throbbing, aching sensation of emptiness. Of missing, yearning, pining after Robert so desperately, he couldn't breathe.

It was hard to ignore it now. Here he was, only a few feet away from Robert, in his bedroom… and like a moth to the flame he was drawing closer.

Robert leaned on his knees, hands clasped together, just staring into the darkness. Robert had to admit that it felt odd. To have Aaron here in his childhood home, with his parents things still cluttered around the place. Traces of his old life, plastered on the walls, in the shape of photos.

A fusion of the old and new.

Aaron sat down nervously on the bed. Robert didn't seem to have noticed.

"How come you've never told me those things about your Mum?" Aaron asked, his voice emerging as a whisper.

Robert shrugged, "I didn't see the point."

Aaron scooted closer. "Robert… all those times you had to listen to me go on about – about Gordon…" Robert's head quirked toward him. Aaron grabbed that as a signal and ploughed on, "You gave me some great advice. About coping with the memories and stuff. I had a feeling you were talking about your Mum but I didn't want to push. You don't like talking about it."

"I had to talk about it today." Robert said blandly. "With my psychiatrist. He reckons he can help me."

"Maybe he can. If you let him." Aaron said tenderly, shuffling closer. "And you've got… other people to help you." Their knees bounced together. Robert subtly moved his leg away.

"Yeah. My family have been great." Robert said placidly.

"Yeah they've been ace. But you know I wasn't talking about them." Aaron said, his voice fragile like glass. His fingers slid up Robert's shoulder, his heart kicking against his ribs. Only Robert could make him feel like this. Sure, he'd had crushes before, setting his heart a little flutter here and there. But nothing like this. The thunderbolt of electricity that sizzled through him whenever Robert Sugden so much as glanced at him, so he couldn't even breathe.

Robert hitched his breath, suddenly turning his face away, he bolted from the bed. Running a hand over his hair, he heard Aaron sigh in disappointment.

"Please don't do this here Aaron." Robert said, struggling to keep the desperation out of his voice. "You're about to ruin everything."

"What?" Aaron asked, masking his hurt. "What am I about to ruin - ?"

"Don't you get it?" Robert groaned, "I'm trying to build a life away from you! Just like you did with me! So don't think you - !"

"You think I wanted this?" Aaron responded, his voice ridden with pain, "Any of this?"

"I – I can't go through this all again." Robert said in exhaustion.

"Listen to me." Aaron ordered, scrambling up from the bed, tears dribbling down his cheek. "I'm sorry Robert. Is that what you wanna hear? I'm sorry!"

"No it's not what I wanna hear!" Robert said in irritation, "Don't tell me what I wanna hear! You should say how you genuinely feel! Screw my feelings for a second! They've never counted anyway!"

"Don't say - "

"I want to hear your honest thoughts." Robert said, folding his arms across his chest.

Aaron swallowed his tears, nodding. "Okay. I am sorry Robert. I'm sorry I wasn't there for ya when Rebecca confessed everything and I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you deal with the baby. I – I didn't want to get close to you again because I – I didn't want to see you suffer! I didn't think I could deal with it. I told you… I've got all this love for ya and I don't know what to do with it. So when it comes to seeing you hurting – I ran. And it was stupid and cowardly of me. But I did it. And then when you nearly died – it would've k - killed me too." His voice stumbled at the memory. "I've spent three years of my life loving ya. I'm not giving up."

Robert listened, his expression blank. He nodded slowly at Aaron's last words.

_I'm not giving up._

"I am." He responded sadly. "I have to."

Aaron vigourously shook his head, "No! Don't do this!"

"I – I don't know if what we had was real." Robert said, his tone soft, yet each word was like a knife, plunging to Aaron's soul. "Sometimes I think it was all just in my head."

"Why – why are you saying these things?" Aaron asked, biting his lip in order to stop himself from screaming.

Robert turned around, searching for something. He snatched a picture off the dresser and held it out to Aaron. It was a family photo of the Sugden family. Robert and Andy must've been about ten or eleven years old, clustered behind their parents while Victoria grinned toothily from her mother's lap.

"See this picture?" Robert asked, lightly stroking the golden frame with his thumb, "When I see it, I remember the old days and how happy we all were. I love this picture, it's – one of my favourites. But then… I remember the day it was taken. And the cold truth hits. Andy was in a strop because of his Dad, I was in a mood because he was bringing me down, my Mum was shouting at all of us and Victoria kept bursting into tears. And my Dad… my Dad was screwing my step-cousin behind our backs. Only we didn't realise it at the time. You look at this picture and think – one big happy family! Only, we really weren't."

Robert released a dark chuckle, slamming the picture back on the dresser. He turned back to Aaron who was watching him through narrowed eyes. "I think sometimes we convince ourselves that the past and memories are better than it actually was. That's what I'm trying to say."

"Robert are you saying you never loved me?" Aaron asked, a cold panic, churning in his gut.

"Of course I did." Robert said, with some affirmation. Aaron felt himself deflate in relief, even though Robert had spoken in past tense. "But I just – feel a bit numb right now. I need - "

"Help." Aaron finished, fresh tears welling in his eyes. "Robert you need help."

"I need time and space." Robert responded, taking a deep breath. "Everytime I see you, I just see what I put you through and I can't take it. I've lost two mothers. And my Dad. And when I - essentially died, I wanted to go with my Dad. I really wanted to go with him and leave this world behind."

Aaron struggled to keep his composure. "Leave me behind?"

"You would've coped without me."

"No!"

"Yes!" Robert said defiantly. "You'll have to. That's what I realised. We need to learn how to live apart."

"Well, maybe I don't want that." Aaron said obstinately, "Did you think I was living it up while I was away in Dublin? I was fucking miserable without you Robert! But I had to pretend I was strong and just carry on! When inside… I was tearing apart!"

"What do you want me to do about that now?" Robert chided helplessly. "I can't carry you anymore Aaron! I can barely carry myself! It takes the will of God just to drag my sorry backside out of bed in the morning!"

"Right so – let me be here for you!" Aaron said, lunging forward.

Robert stumbled back, throwing his hands up as a shield. "No! We can't keep doing this! This whole push and pull thing isn't working! No, I need to get off this bloody merry-go-round otherwise I'll throw up!"

"You're just upset." Aaron sniffed, wiping his nose with his sleeve, "You're not thinking clearly, you don't mean any of this!"

"Oh for God's sake Aaron, I'm not gonna stand here arguing with you in the dark!" Robert griped, pushing past him. In his haste to get past, he banged his knee on the sharp wooden edge, jutting out of the bed. "Gah, shit!" Robert clutched his knee, as a sharp pain shot through his right leg.

"Robert!" Aaron cried, grabbing his waist, "What's up? I can't see! What's happened?" He guided him to the bed.

"Just my knee." Robert hissed, shifting away from Aaron and the sudden body heat that he seemed to radiate. "Since I've lost most of the fat on my legs… it's mostly bone and…" He squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to mask the agony cracking across his face.

"Does it hurt alot?" Aaron asked in concern, his palm on the small of Robert's back.

"More than it should." Robert muttered, squirming out of Aaron's touch. He rubbed his knee, waiting for the throbbing pain to pass. "But I'll be okay. I always am."

"Here. Let me." Without waiting for permission, Aaron gently lifted Robert's leg and draped it across his own lap. Robert winced at the sudden movement.

"Sorry!" Aaron said quickly. He then carefully kneaded Robert's knee, working up to his thigh and then back down again. Robert relaxed against the headboard, watching Aaron wearily and trying not to enjoy the familiar sensation stirring inside him.

"Talk about getting my leg over." Robert quipped, a dry smirk playing about his lips.

A bubble of laughter escaped Aaron's lips. "Glad to see that your sense of humour hasn't totally dried up eh."

Robert settled back and closed his eyes, "Nah, you know me. I'll have something engraved on my tombstone. Sarcastic till the end, that's me."

Aaron lapsed into silence. Robert didn't know if it was because of the death joke or the hand which was now starting to wander further up his leg.

Robert's eyes snapped open. He slammed his hand down on Aaron's, their fingers intertwined briefly, before Robert firmly lifted it off his leg.

"My knee feels better now." He said gruffly, "You've definitely got the magic touch."

Even in the dark, Robert could feel Aaron's smirk. "Yeah you've said that before." Aaron responded, his voice hoarse.

Robert pointedly cleared his throat, trying to ease the awkwardness. "Thanks."

He curled his leg off Aaron's lap, locking it under his other leg. Now with his hands free, Aaron shoved them in his pockets.

"I should er – I should get going." Aaron stuttered, rising from the bed.

Robert made a move to stand up, "Yeah, I'll come down - "

"No, no it's okay I er – I can see myself out." Aaron said hastily, retreating toward the staricase.

Robert took a breath, to explain that he actually needed to lock the door from the inside. But he swallowed his words. He could do that after Aaron left.

Aaron galloped downstairs, zipping his hoodie up, trying to keep his emotions in check. He bolted out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Once he was outside, he allowed himself to collapse against the farmhouse wall, taking deep, shuddering breaths.

What had just happened? One minute they were arguing, one of their blazing, heated rows and then the next minute, Robert hurt himself and Aaron had put his hands all over him!

Story of their life!

Pulling his hoodie over his head, Aaron stomped back to his car, his mind racing.

Touching Robert in such an intimate way, and being allowed to do so, had unlocked those passionate, intense feelings he had tried to bury for months and months. He wanted to take it further, oh how he had yearned to go further… only Robert had been the one to stop it.

It was confusing, irritating and alluring all at the same time!

Aaron punched his hand against the steering wheel several times. "Ah, damn you Robert Sugden! Damn you! Damn you! Damn you!" He cursed, tears spilling from his eyes.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	23. Edward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So sorry about the massive delay in updating but work has been absolutely kicking my backside lately! I've finally got some time to carry on and hopefully finish this story soon so don't worry, I haven't forgotten! 
> 
> Quick DISCLAIMER: This chapter deals with yet another sensitive issue so if you find yourselves triggered, please read at your own discretion.
> 
> And on we go...

**Chapter 23 – Edward**

It came in the form of a note.

Robert was used to receiving bad news in his life. Usually it was on the other side of a phone. When the news of his father's death reached him, it was his grandmother who gently broke the news, all the while trying not to break down herself. She'd then listened as he sobbed and sobbed, choking out the 'how's,' the 'where's' and the 'what am I going to do now's.'

It was his grandmother who broke the news to him again. Except this time it came in the form of a note.

Robert traipsed into the kitchen, his bare feet smacking against the cold tiles. His family all fell silent as he cast his sleepy gaze upon them. He dug in his hands deep into his tracksuit, muttering, "It's freezing in here, can we crank the heating up?"

He was greeted with silence.

Robert was used to this treatment now. He wasn't deliberately being a moody git, he just didn't have a good night's sleep. He'd been plagued with a dream about a crying baby, with blood streaming down it's face. He'd tried to calm it down, despite his terror, but it just looked up and him and screamed. Then the baby's face morphed into his own and he kept screaming and crying, "Look what you did!"

Trying to push the horrific image out of his mind, Robert poked his head into the fridge. He groaned, "Great. We're out of milk." He slammed the fridge door and rested his hands on the worktop surface, waiting for the haziness of sleep to ebb away.

"Robert love." His grandmother said, her voice laced with heaviness, "Please come and sit down with us."

"Give me a sec." Robert muttered, "I'm not great in the mornings."

"It's two thirty in the afternoon." Andy mumbled.

Robert spun around to face him, "What?"

"You've slept the morning and most of the afternoon away." Victoria said, trying to keep her tone light. Robert looked at her, properly looked at her. Her eyes were red rimmed, as if she'd been shedding tears, non-stop. Diane sat at the head of the table, a tissue scrunched up between her fingers. In front of Victoria, sat a small packaged box. Everyone kept eyeing it warily as if it would explode.

"Guys, what's going on?" Robert asked, tensing a little.

Diane gently pulled out the seat next to him, "Sit down pet."

Slowly, Robert lowered himself into the seat, his eyes never leaving her face. "What's going on?" He repeated, his tone wavering on trepidation.

Annie slid a tightly folded piece of paper across the table, toward him. "Robert love. This was pushed through the door. When I went out for my morning walk, I came across it."

Robert unfolded the piece of paper, frowning. He instantly recognised Chrissie's majestic scrawl.

_Robert,_

_We're sorry to have to tell you this but your baby son has passed away. I was hesitant to give you all the details but my father insisted that you had a right to know._

_Rebecca wasn't feeling well for days. She went in for a scan, where they broke the sorry news. He's already been cremated and we've said our private goodbyes. We enclose a small vial. You can probably guess what's inside._

_We are not returning to the village. Dad's sold the house to some unnamed source._

_When I sat down to write this letter, I really wanted to keep it short. But… as we'll never see each other again, I have to tell you one thing._

_I genuinely did love you. Very much. I know it was probably all one big lie but… well… I had some kind of deep feelings for you. I only wish you had felt the same about me. I saw the way you looked at Aaron and realised that, during our three years together, you'd never looked at me like that. Ever._

_I'd also like to apologise for the way you lost your brother. I didn't mean to set Andy up like that. I was just trying to protect my family. In the same way you would've done._

_Goodbye Robert. I hope you find whatever it is that you seem to so desperately crave. I really do._

_All the best,_

_Chrissie._

Numbness spread through his entire body.

"Robert?" Diane asked tenatively, "Pet?"

Robert slowly scrunched the notepaper up into a tiny ball. "Wow." He breathed, "So I guess that's that then."

"Is that all you can say?" Victoria shot out, staring at him in disbelief.

"Vic!" Andy hissed, glaring at her.

"What do you want me to say?" Robert said, completely deadpan.

"I…." Victoria exchanged a glance with Andy, then swallowed, her cheeks reddening. "I don't know, I'm sorry Rob - "

"Don't be sorry." Robert interrupted, hurling the paper ball into the bin, "We don't even know for sure if that kid was mine. Now, thanks to their clever way of getting rid of the evidence. We never will. Pretty much says it all, don't you think? She used me, lied to me, conned me – conned all of us. Gotta hand it to the devious cow - "

"Robert love, it's okay to be upset - "

"I'm not upset Gran." Robert fired back, his voice wavering, "I'm angry. But… I'm trying to keep it under control, otherwise… I don't know what I'll do."

"Maybe you should give Dr Ryder a call." Diane said tentatively.

Robert just shrugged, "If you think it'll help. But don't worry. I'm not going to starve myself to death. Not over that lying cow and her awful family. Not again."

An uncomfortable silence settled over the kitchen. Robert turned to Andy, "Can you take me into town? I need to start looking at new cars."

"Cars?" Victoria echoed, unable to stop herself, "Surely that can wait?"

"Life goes on Vic. I need a new car to make my life just a teeny tiny bit easier. Is that still okay with you?" He asked Andy, his voice bordering on hysteria.

Andy nodded quickly, "Sure. Be ready in twenty?"

Robert gave him a stiff nod, trapising back upstairs to his room. Once he was finally in the privacy of his own room, he allowed his mask to slip.

So.

His son was dead.

Robert was done lying to himself. This baby… his son… was the only shred of hope he had left, to cling onto. Even if it was a living reminder of the hell he had been put through. It was a sign of the future. Someone he could build everything for. Now… what was the point?

 

Robert named his unborn son, Edward, in his heart. It was the only name he could think of. The only name he wanted.

* * *

Aaron shuffled Liv into the pub, "I was thinking we could eat here tonight."

"Because you can't be bothered to cook. Again." Liv said, rolling her eyes.

"No, it's because I'm tired and Adam skived off! Again!" Aaron snapped, "Just – go and order some chips or something."

Liv slinked off to the bar. Aaron leaned against the wall, scrolling through his phone. Pearl's hushed voice drifted over to him.

"Yes, he died straight away, poor little thing! Diane was quite distraught about it, but naturally she didn't want to upset Robert anymore. Apparently he's still in shock."

Aaron glanced up, frowning. Pearl sat at a small table near him, crowded by Rhona, Paddy, Vanessa and Moira.

"I can imagine." Rhona sighed, "Oh poor Robert."

"I know. It's awful." Vanessa said, clutching Johnny closer to her. "Do you think we should go and pay our respects."

"They might not be up for visitors yet." Paddy said softly, "And don't forget – Robert's still recuperating."

"Well. This isn't going to help his recovery. Not one bit." Pearl muttered, taking a sip of her gin.

Aaron slowly lifted himself off the wall, his stomach churning.

"It's going to hit him very hard." Moria said softly, her eyes glistening, "Especially because he never got a chance to say goodbye."

"What's all this?" Aaron found the question tumbling from his lips.

The small crowd jumped in alarm.

"Aaron!" Paddy lept up from his seat, grabbing his arm, "Let's er – let's go through to the back, I think we should - "

"No. I wanna know what's happened?" Aaron said gruffly. "Pearl, what were you talking about? What about Robert?"

Pearl's eyes widened, looking like a deer trapped in headlights. "I – I was just saying to this lot that Diane – well – Robert got a letter this morning from Chrissie. Telling him that his baby son had died."

Aaron felt he could've thrown up then and there.

"You what?" He whispered, through gritted teeth.

"They cremated the poor boy, put him in a box and then shoved him in the post! Can you believe that?"

"And you're sat here gossping about it?" Aaron responded, his anger seeping through. "While someone's just lost their kid, you're all sat here, chatting about it like - "

"No one's gossping Aaron!" Moira said quickly.

"Moira's right." Rhona added, "We were just - "

"Liv!" Aaron yelled over them, "We have to go!"

Liv glared at him, "I've just ordered my food!"

"Now!"

* * *

Aaron knocked on the front door of Emmerdale Farm. It had recently been given a new lick of paint. The peeling white had now been replaced with a slick grey colour. Very similar to the colour of the Mill door.

There was a fumble of a lock from the inside of the house, the door opened to reveal Annie beaming at the pair of them.

"Aaron! Liv!" She greeted, "What brings you here?"

Aaron swallowed nervously. Oh God, how to answer this question?

"Hi Annie, erm… we just heard what had happened and… well I - "

"He wants to see Robert." Liv said bluntly. "He's been worrying about him, the entire drive up here."

"Liv, shut up." Aaron muttered, his face flushing in embarrassment.

"Thank you for coming." Annie said, her warm smile now a sad, thin, line. "It means a lot. Come on in out of the cold, both of you. I'll see if Robert is - is about."

She led them through a narrow corridor, into the living room. Aaron hadn't been through this side of the house before. It still sent an electric chill down his spine, physically being in Robert's childhood home.

Annie paused beside the door in the kitchen. Aaron knew it was the one that led up to Robert's bedroom. Last time he was here… things had ended badly. He hoped today wouldn't be another repeat performance.

"He must be in his room." Annie said, her kind tone steeling, as if she were bracing herself for a fight. "I'll just go up and see, won't be a minute."

Annie hobbled through the door, forgetting to shut it properly. It bounced off the hinge, allowing a small gap for noise to filter through.

Aaron heard hushed whispers, followed by the hollow tone of a man whom he recognised well.

"Is this Robert's house?" Liv asked, peering around the room, "It looks like a dump. But a nice one."

"Shut it will ya, I'm trying to listen." Aaron hissed. The sound of hurried footsteps, forced Aaron to jump away from the door.

Annie emerged, with an exasperated expression fixed on her face. It was a look Aaron had seen on Robert many times before, whenever he'd lost an important deal.

"Robert's sleeping now, I'm afraid." Annie said, apologetically, though everyone knew it was a lie. "This new anti-anxiety medication is really messing with his sleep pattern. Perhaps try again tomorrow?"

Aaron nodded, trying not to let the disappointment show. "Thanks for trying." He said, his voice quivering. "Can you let him know that I… that we…?"

"I will." Annie said quietly. "I will mean a lot to him."

"How was he? When – he found out about…?"

Annie took a deep breath, "It's hard to say. He brushed it off as if it were nothing. He's spent most of the day, glued to that Game of Thrones nonsense and barks at anyone who so much as offers him a cup of tea! I know what he's doing. He's trying to find a distraction to stop himself from hurting inside. Why he thinks he can find comfort in watching a load of people in medieval getup, sticking knives into each other, will help, is beyond me!"

Aaron almost laughed out loud.

"It'll hit him sooner or later." Annie said gravely, "And I'd much rather it be sooner."

"I just wanna help him." Aaron said, his voice raw with the truth. "If he'll let me."

"He's not really letting any of us help him, love." Annie sighed, "He seems to think that he can deal with this on his own."

Aaron knew that. Robert was very similar to himself in that respect.

"And what about you?" Aaron asked gently, "How are you coping in all this?" That baby would've been her great-grandchild, regardless of how it was conceived.

Annie blinked in surprise, as if her feelings were irrelevant in this matter. "Me?" She repeated, "Well I – I'm used to losing people. At my age I've seen more death than life. It's the downside of getting old, I'm afraid."

Aaron placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, his eyes glistening. "Well, we're here for ya. Both of ya. If you need us."

Annie smiled. She lightly reached out, stroking first Aaron's rugged cheek, then Liv's petal soft one.

"I'm so glad Robert has you both in his corner. He's never thought he deserved to have anyone love him. He's somehow got it into his head that everybody leaves him one way or another, so he pulls back. Shuts himself off."

"I know he does." Aaron said quietly, "I used to be the same. Till I met him. And then…"

_'_ _I met you and you changed everything.'_

"He changed everything." Aaron said, his voice a mere whisper.

There was a loud creak above them, as someone, Robert no doubt, tried to quietly move around.

"We should get going." Aaron said uneasily, snapping out of his reverie. "Liv, come on."

"Bye Annie. Bye Robert!" Liv yelled, allowing Aaron to usher her out of the house.

* * *

_"Bye Robert!"_

Robert groaned, sliding back into bed and pulling the heavy duvet over his head. There was nothing better than shutting out the world. In fact – Robert was going to make it his favourite pastime.

He heard his grandmother stomping back upstairs, which meant he was in for another scolding. Oh joy.

"They're gone." She said primly. "You'll be happy to know."

"Oh yeah I'm ecsatic." Robert murmured, from underneath the sheets, "Can't you hear me chuckling under here?"

Annie grabbed the duvet and yanked it off him. He felt the cold air slap his bare arms.

"Gran!" Robert groaned, snatching the duvet back. "Leave me alone."  
"No I will not." She scolded, perching herself on the edge of his bed. She pinned her hands down onto the duvet, in a bid to stop him from hiding under it again. "Robert I really wish you'd come down and eat something. I can make you a sandwich or - "

"I'm not hungry." He said blandly.

"Now don't you start with all that." Annie said, her tone wavering on anger, "We're not going through that again."

"Why don't you go tell Aaron?" Robert challenged sourly. "Then you two can gang up on me some more."

"Stop being so dramatic Robert." She scolded.

"I heard you! Downstairs, all of you gossiping about me - "

"Oh stop it." Annie snapped, picking up some of his clothes off the floor, and tossing it into the laundry hamper.

"You know I don't like being talked about." Robert huffed.

"You've lived in this village most of your life. You should be used to it by now." She said, her tone a little softer. "Besides, people won't be saying anything bad. They'll be wanting to offer you their… condolences."

Robert didn't respond, just folded his arms over the duvet.

Annie looked at him, sympathy swimming in her eyes. "How was the trip into town? Have you found a car yet?"

Robert licked his lip. "No." He mumbled. "The guy kept showing us all these four by fours and kept banging on about how it was perfect for families. Like… kids and that." His heart grew heavy, constricting against his chest. He couldn't help but think of the image he saw when he peered into the tinted window. A car seat, where a little blonde baby sat snugly, waving his chubby hands, gazing up at him with the purest, most undconditional love…

"Robert one day you'll have another child. Many more I hope." Annie said, her voice laced with kindness. "But it will all be on your terms. Well – yours and – whoever you decide to share your life with. Understand?"

Robert nodded, his eyes shining. But for some reason, the tears still wouldn't fall. It felt as if he were all cried out. And now had no tears left to shed for his own son.

"Have you thought about what you'd like to do with… him?" Annie asked, carefully.

"I've got an idea." Robert replied softly.

* * *

They stood in front of Jack Sugden's grave. Robert had wanted a small affair. Just scatter the ashes and go. But Victoria had insisted that they all make a big deal out of it.

"He was my nephew Rob!" She protested, tears running down her face. "He's a Sugden, he deserves a proper send off."

Robert had no choice but to relent and let them all come. He didn't want to argue with them, he was exhausted enough as it was.

Robert carefully lifted the lid of the small vial. Heart hammering under his chest, he gently poured them over his father's headstone.

"Your Grandpa Jack will look after you now little one." Diane sniffed.

Robert didn't say anything.

* * *

The next week passed by like a blur. Robert pretty much sleepwalked his way through it, insisting to his family that he walk alone. He needed to be by himself.

Robert didn't like being talked about. He'd lived in this village most of his life and couldn't stand it when his life became the subject of idle gossip.

But this… this was something else.

The pity glimmering in people's eyes whenever they passed him in the street, or the random acts of kindness. Like the free cup of coffee and muffin from Bob and Brenda or the free pint from Charity – which Cain had offered to buy. Even Ross Barton holding the door for him, nearly gave him another heart attack.

But that was nothing compared to the way Aaron looked at him, whenever they were once again, thrust into each other's orbit.

Robert couldn't ignore it anymore. He could feel the powerful love, radiating off Aaron and filtering to him in waves. Whether they were sat on opposite sides of the pub, or awkwardly crammed next to each other in the café queue. Aaron didn't say anything. He didn't have to.

Robert felt it.

He just didn't know what to do with it.

His son was dead. He was trying to scrape his life back from off the floor. And here was Aaron. By his side. Trying to let him know that he was loved. After everything that had happened. Aaron still tried to put him first.

It was all too much.

Aaron had been watching him all week. Never speaking. Just watching. Waiting for the right moment.

He hated seeing Robert like this. Walking through the village, with a dazed, confused look fixed upon his handsome, tired face. Once or twice, Aaron caught him muttering to himself. Heard the name Edward slip from his lips a couple of times.

He must be going mad with suppressed grief and no one knew how to help him.

It fustrated Aaron to no end!

The right moment finally came.

It was a chilly Sunday night. Most of the village had shut themselves indoors for the evening, bracing themselves for the week ahead.

All but one.

Aaron drove down the main street, past the Woolpack, eager to kick back and watch the latest episode of Top Gear. A lean figure moving against the moonlight, caught. He peered closer. Robert was leaning against the wall, gazing up at the dark sky.

Without thinking, Aaron pulled the car over, his window already sliding down.

"Robert, you okay?" Aaron called, his voice laced in concern.

Robert didn't notice the car yet reacted to the sound of Aaron's voice. "Oh." He said, his tone lifeless. "Hi." He resumed his position, staring at the sky.

Aaron glanced up. "Erm… what you doin' out here?" He asked, trying to keep his voice casual and failing to forget the heated argument that occurred, the last time they were out here.

"Just getting some air." Robert replied softly.

"Who's driving you home?" Aaron asked, looking around for Andy or his car.

Robert shrugged. "I'll walk it."

"In the dark?" Aaron countered, in disbelief, "Don't be stupid Robert. I'll drive ya back."

"I'm fine to walk." Robert said stiffly.

"Yeah I know you are mate." Aaron said quickly, knowing it was always best to humour Robert that can call his bluff. "But I wanna chat to ya about something. Important. That's all."

Robert peered at him curiously. "Chat to me about what?"

Aaron raised his brow, "Get in the car and then you'll find out."

Robert continued to stare at him doubtfully.

"Robert are you gonna get in the car or am I gonna have to stuff you into the boot?"

The threatening edge to Aaron's voice, forced Robert to lift himself off the wall. Rolling his eyes, he slid into the passenger seat and buckled up, without uttering a word.

_'_ _Where to?'_

_'_ _Anywhere?'_

Aaron kept staring at him.

"Don't pretend like you don't know where I live." Robert said tartly.

Aaron nodded, nibbling his lip in mild irritation. "Knew you weren't asleep up there!"

"Don't take it personally, I didn't want to see anyone!" Robert grumbled, folding his arms across his chest.

The locks slipped down with a sharp click.

Robert glanced at them warily. "We're not going back to my farm are we?"

Aaron smirked, cocking his head. "Always were a sharp one weren't ya."

He slammed his foot on the accelarator and sped off into the night.

* * *

Even in the dark, Robert recognised the place. Aaron pulled over into the layby and switched off the engine. The headlights swallowing up the remaining light. He turned to Robert. His face was lit by the soft glow of the moonlight.

"What is it about us and darkness eh?" Robert cracked, trying to inject some humour into his voice.

"Robert." Aaron said, his tone gentle.

Robert's expression almost crumpled then and there. Almost.

"I'm so sorry." Aaron said, almost whimpering in sadness. "I just… can't imagine what you're going through."

"I never met the kid." Robert said, his voice flat. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does!" Aaron responded, his eyes flashing in anger, "And please stop pretending like you don't care. Because I know you do."

Robert was silent for the longest moment. When he finally spoke, his voice was terse, yet soft. "My psychiatrist, Dr Ryder… he says I should cry. Cry and let it all out. Flush it out of my system, treat this as a grieving process, blah, blah… but I can't. I stood by my Dad's grave and scattered his ashes over the headstone. Even that didn't make me cry. Vic and Diane were bawling their eyes out. Even Andy started crying. But me? Nothing. So I er – I tried looking at pictures of my Mum and Dad during the good old days. But nothing came out. I even tried watching ET. That always used to make me cry as a kid. You know the bit where he finds his way home? But again – nothing. Not a single tear. What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing." Aaron answered firmly.

"Am I so dead inside, I can't even grieve my own kid?" Robert asked in incredulity.

"You're not dead inside Rob." Aaron said placidly. "The tears will come. Just give it time, don't force it. Maybe… maybe if you talk about it. It'll help."

Robert shook his head. "I don't think so."

"It's okay. I will be okay." Aaron said, twisting in his seat to properly face him. "Anything you wanna say about your son… I'm listening." He noticed the way Robert winced when he said the word 'son,' and his heart broke all over again. He never asked for this. Any of this. Neither of them did. But Robert had grabbed the short straw yet again. His child – a child he never asked for – was now dead and he needed to deal with it or he'd drive himself insane.

"I guess… I just wish I met him first." Robert said, keeping his voice even. "Held him or – something. But then maybe that might've made it worse. I – I don't know Aaron, I don't know what to say. I can't cry. I can't grieve. I was never cut out to be a dad."

"Yes you were. You still are." Aaron said quietly.

"Because I did such a brilliant job with Lachlan." Robert scoffed.

"You were brilliant with Liv." Aaron said staunchly, "And you're great with Sarah and Jack too. You bought back your family's farm, you managed to get Andy back and now you're all trying to make it work. You're the head of that family Rob! You complete them!"

"Shut up." Robert griped.

"No, I'm serious! Look, I've seen what that family used to be without you and I've seen them with you and let me tell you, you are the missing piece! The glue that holds them all together! Victoria even said so herself. When you came back home, it wasn't just to the village, but it was to them! You look after them. You love them. They're in trouble – you're the one they run to. That's why they're all trying to crowd you now! You mean so much to them, you just don't realise it. So that's how I know you'll be an amazing Dad. Because you're an amazing bloke." Aaron's eyes now glistened with unshed tears.

Robert's lips twitched into a sad smile. "How is it you get so emotional, so easily?"

Aaron gave a watery laugh, wiping his eyes with his jacket sleeve. "I guess I'm just a drama queen."

It was Robert's turn to laugh. "Stop it." He fidgeted with the buttons on his denim jacket before muttering, "Maybe you can cry for us both eh?"

Aaron felt the tears slip down his cheeks. "I've shed an ocean for us. Believe me."

"Oh I do." Robert breathed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "And that's why I can't - I just… can't allow myself to think about what I've just lost…."

"Why not?" Aaron pressed.

"Because that'll be three important people in my life that have gone." Robert said, his voice wavering. "You. Liv. My son."

"Robert I - "

"Take me home." He said gruffly. "Please Aaron, I can't do this now - "

"You know how much I love you right?" Aaron interrupted, desperation ripe in his tone. "I've got all this love for you and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. You know this!"

"Yeah I do, I just don't understand why!" Robert responded, in fustration, "I'm piece of shit, I always have been."

"I'm no better." Aaron replied, his lips turning up in a small smile, "That's why we fit, right? We bring out the best and worst in each other. I've never had that with anyone before. Even this. Just sitting here – chatting. Being near ya. I feel stuff – shivers. And this feeling in my chest that I can only call love. It feels right. With you it feels like… I'm home."

"I know. I feel the same." Robert said, his voice cracking.

Aaron reached over and grabbed Robert's hand, lightly running his thumb over his palm. Robert didn't snatch his hand away. Instead, his fingers tightened over Aaron's. Aaron couln't help the smile of relief spreading over his face. He meant it. This felt like home.

"Aaron." Robert said cautiously, after a few seconds of peaceful silence.

"Yeah." Aaron sighed, wanting to remain in this short-lived bliss, forever.

"That love you have for me… do you think you can spare a bit for my son?" Robert asked tentatively. "I know I have no right to ask - "

"Of course." Aaron said instantly, trying not to break down at the look on Robert's face.

"I just – I just don't want him to be alone." Robert said, his voice small, "That's my biggest fear Aaron… that he's alone and unloved - "

"He won't be!" Aaron said hastily, remembering the words he said to Robert, not too long ago.

_'_ _Your unborn child, I already hate.'_

God how he hated himself now.

"He's loved." Aaron assured him, his other hand sliding up Robert's arm in comfort. "I promise you."  
They stared at each other, the electricty crackling between them. It was wrong, Aaron knew, to focus on this, when Robert should be grieving his son. But he couldn't help it.

Aaron closed his eyes and leant forward, capturing Robert's lips in a small yet passionate kiss. When they pulled away, Robert's eyes fluttered open, to see Aaron gazing at him, full of love and trust.

Silently, Aaron turned the engine back on and drove Robert back to Emmerdale Farm, his heart feeling much lighter.

* * *

_Robert gazed around him. He was back in Demdyke Quarry again, surrounded by the lush greenery and golden sunshine. Except he wasn't a child. He was an adult still. Robert found himself tracing the familiar steps to the quarry's edge._

_A little hand slipped into his._

_Robert glanced down, blanching in shock. A small blonde boy with bright blue eyes, laughed up at him, his tiny legs trying to keep up with Robert's long strides._

_"Who are you?" Robert asked curiously, though deep in his heart, he knew._

_The blonde boy just chuckled in response, throwing his arms around Robert's legs, so he was forced to halt his steps._

_They were stood by the bridge now. The same one that Robert had been longing to see, ever since the day he almost died._

_Robert squinted into the beautiful golden light, instantly recognising the tall frame of the man now striding toward them._

_Jack Sugden stopped half-way on the bridge. He wasn't looking at Robert. Instead, his attention was focused on the little boy, clutching onto Robert's hand._

_Jack knelt down, his arms outstretched, beaming from ear to ear. The little boy was about to release Robert's hand, but Robert clung on. Tightly._

_Jack finally looked up at Robert. He gave his son a reassuring smile. Robert knew what he had to do._

_He gazed down at the little boy who was still grinning at him. With his heart clenching, Robert let his fingers uncurl from his son's tiny wrist and watched as he happily ran down the bridge, to be swept up into the strong arms of his grandfather._

_The very same arms that used to sweep Robert up, keeping him safe and secure._

_Robert watched as his father held his little son tightly, walking toward the golden light. The light blossomed, enveloping them all until Robert couldn't see them anymore…_

He woke with a start, tears soaking his face. Robert allowed himself to let go. Let the tears pour down his cheeks.

Edward was going to be okay. His father would make sure of it.

"Thank you Dad." Robert whispered, into the darkness, where he knew that his Dad – and possibly Edward too – could hear him.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	24. In The Bleak Midwinter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for the reviews! Keep em coming!

Robert took a delicate sip of his sweet tea, casting an eye over the barren landscape.

He had to escape the humdrum of the kitchen. Victoria had been feeding multi-coloured chunks into a very large and very loud blender in a bid to 'help Robert eat better.' And Diane was lecturing Andy over the state of the kitchen sink. Robert just needed five minutes for himself. He leaned against the wall, fingers threaded through his mug, gazing upon the land – his land. The naked trees tickled the grey sky. He felt a surge of warmth in his heart, despite the sharp chill, nipping at his skin.

He loved the countryside. He'd tried to run away from it, from his roots. But there was no denying the quiet beauty of his rural upbringing. He remembered his father and Uncle, working the frost bitten fields, whilst 'In the bleak Midwinter' sung tinnily from the radio perched in the corner of the barn. It was their favourite Christmas song, because it had spoken to them about the true grit of the North and the farmer's land.

Robert used to scoff at it. Now… whenever the song surfaced on the radio, he'd stop whatever he was doing and turn it up. Just a notch. Listen to the melancoly song and… just allow himself to remember. Liv had teased him about it last year. But Aaron had known. He'd never been told, but he'd somehow known that whenever Robert heard the song, he needed those few precious minutes to tune out of this life and remember.

In those few minutes, Robert was a child again, watching his father and Uncle Joe, doing the job they had loved with a passion. Farming.

A hunched figure hobbled toward him. It took him a split-second to register who it was.

"Gran!" He called out, his voice stern. He splashed the dregs of his tea on the grass and ran toward her. "How many times have I told you not to walk out by yourself!"

"Oh stop fussing Robert, I'm perfectly capable to take a walk by myself!" Annie huffed. Nevertheless, she threaded her arm through her grandson's and allowed him to escort her back to the farm.

"I just worry about you. That's all." Robert said, in a clipped voice. "You're not exactly bouncing off the walls."

"I'm doing a damn sight better than you." She said with a soft smile.

"Gran…" Robert started, his mind churning with unanswered questions. "When Jackie died, how did my Dad cope with it?"

Annie hesitated before answering, "Why are you asking me about Jackie, love?"

Robert shrugged, "He was my big brother. And Dad used to mention him every now and then. He'd always get this sad look in his eye. So I just wanted to know…"

"Well… your Dad obviously didn't know about Jackie unil much later on, when Jackie was about eighteen I think." Annie said, a fond smile caressing her voice. "Jackie didn't take it very well and the two struggled to bond at first. But eventually they really grew to love one and another like father and son. And when you were born I think it cemented that bond. Your father finally had the woman he'd always loved, with their two children, all living in the farm he always loved. It felt like this was how it was always meant to be."

"But life doesn't always work out like that." Robert said, in a dull voice.

"No love." Annie responded sadly. "Your mother died, so tragically. And I remember at her funeral, her ex-husband Tom Merrick came by the wake – he wasn't drunk at it, thank God – he even cooed over you, called you a 'bonny little lad!'

Robert snorted.

"Anyway, then Jackie came in with Jack. And the room fell silent. Jackie wanted to talk to Tom. You know, despite everything he still called him Dad. After all. Tom raised him as his own."

"Of course."

"But Tom just ignored him." Annie said bitterly. "His mother had just died and Tom wouldn't pay Jackie any mind! He fawned over your sister Sandie. She was always a Daddy's girl. But I think he felt your brother had betrayed him somehow, simply by allowing Jack into his heart. So your father comforted him. In their shared grief, they comforted each other. And then their bond became stronger. Jack gave Jackie some shares on the farm, after he married Kathy."

Robert smiled at that. Aside from his grandmother, Kathy was the only one who had known him his entire life.

Annie's smile slowly melted away. "Then on that day. That terrible day. We received the call. Jackie had accidentally shot himself whilst out fox hunting. And he was gone."

Robert felt the familiar weight of sadness press against his heart. He'd been feeling it a lot lately.

"Your father wasn't quite the same again. Losing a child, is like losing a part of you." Annie said, her voice wavering. "Believe me. I know. I've lost all three of mine. And for a horrible moment, I thought I was going to lose you too."

Robert sniffed, tears burning his eyes. Annie patted his arm. "It'll always be a part of you. This pain you feel. But in time, it will lessen and you'll grow to get used to it."

"Will I?" Robert whispered, pain prickling his voice. "Will I really be okay in the end Gran?"

Annie gently stroked his cheek, "I promise you'll be okay. In the end."

Robert's cheek twitched into a smile of grattiude. Together, they walked back into the commotion of the farmhouse.

* * *

"How are you feeling this week?" Dr Ryder asked, his voice neutral.

Robert picked at the thread of his jumper until it started to unravel. "Pretty shit." He mumbled.

"Care to elaborate?" Dr Ryder pressed, crossing his legs.

Robert laid his palms out wide, saying very slowly. "My son died. And I never got to meet him or hold him. In fact, I didn't even want him… but now he's dead and I…"

"You want to take it all back." Dr Ryder said gently.

Robert heaved a sigh. "There are a lot of things I want to take back!" He tapped his finger against his thigh in agitation. "He didn't deserve this!" The words tumbled from his lips.

Dr Ryder leaned closer, "Your son?"

Robert nodded, nibbling on his finger in a bid to keep his tears at bay. "He er… he was innocent in all this. At first I didn't really think of him as flesh and blood but now he's gone and I - I had to scatter his ashes over my Dad's grave. Also, I had this dream where – where I saw him clearly. So little. So cute and I just – I just wanted to wrap him up and keep him safe from the cruel world. But then my Dad came and – and I had to let my son go to him instead. So my Dad will be looking after him. Like he did when I was a baby. When my Mum died."

Dr Ryder observed Robert closely. Noticed the dark rings dragging his eyes down. And the heavy look of guilt he now carried upon his shoulders.

"You know what I think you should do." Dr Ryder said, straightening up against his leather chair.

Robert glanced at him suspiciously. "What?"

"Write a letter to your mother. Pat." He said, watching Robert's eyes narrow in cynicsm. "Tell her everything you want to say. Everything that you think she needs to hear. Then go to her grave and read it out to her."

Robert shuffled in his chair, embarrassed. "Look er – I don't know if that'll help. I didn't know her."

Dr Ryder gave him a tiny smile, full of pity. "Exactly. We're talking thirty-one years Robert. Thirty-one years of questions and answers."

"She won't talk back!" Robert said, irritation lacing his voice, "I'll have more luck using a Ouija board!"

"That's a whole different problem." Dr Ryder responded lightly. "I'm sure there have been times in your life where you've wanted to visit her grave but you never did because - there was always something holding you back."

Robert didn't reply. He didn't really have to.

"Well now I'm ordering you to do it. So you won't need any excuses." Dr Ryder said firmly. "Go to the grave. Talk to your mother."

* * *

Robert picked his way over the knotted weeds, crawling up from the dusty earth. In his arm lay a bunch of roses. The florist had given him a knowing smile as she handed him the bouquet.

"For a sweetheart?" She asked with a raised brow.

"For the dead." Robert mumbled, sliding his money across the counter.

Victoria and Sarah had strung up a few Christmas lights and handmade decorations in a plithy attempt to inject some kind of… festive cheer into the place. They were all there right now, muddling about, trying to keep their spirits up, inside the crumbling house.

His crumbling house.

Robert stopped by his first port of call. Sarah. He lay a rose down by her headstone, pressed two fingers to his lips then lightly brushed them against the mossed stone.

"Merry Christmas Mum." He whispered, trying to block the stream of memories gushing through his mind. The sweet smell of mince pies wafting through the kitchen, warm kisses peppered onto his cheek before bed, on Christmas Eve. The feeling of being wrapped up in a safe and loving family.

"Merry Christmas Dad." He choked, placing a rose on his father's grave. The sharp memory of his father leading him into the beautiful light, still haunted him at night. Even though they had ended on a sour note in this life. Robert now gazed upon his father's headstone with a feeling of light relief in his heart.

Robert carried on walking, further down the cemetery. He'd only been down this way once. When himself, Andy and Donna were children and had skived off school for the day. They'd wandered to the cemetery to hide away from the adults. He knew she was here, waiting for him. He just never visited. Never found it neccesary. Until now.

Robert stopped in front of her grave, waiting for that feeling of emptiness to pinch at his heart. There she lay.

Patricia Sugden.

His natrual mother.

Digging into the pocket of his blue puffed up Parka, he extracted the crumpled up piece of paper.

"Hiya… Mum…" He whispered, the words still feeling a little foreign on his tongue. It shouldn't have to.

This was the woman whom he had lived inside, for the first nine months of his whole life. This is the woman who had essentially created him, protected him and kept him safe from the cruel world before finally bringing him into it, in a whirlwind of blood, sweat, tears and pain.

This was the woman whose arms he had been held in, during the first hours of his life.

This was the woman who had named him after her father. Robert Harker. The grandfather Robert knew nothing about.

This was the woman who then fed him, nursed him, rocked him to sleep, if only for a few, short, precious months.

This woman was his mother.

Robert cleared his throat, his heart growing heavy. "My psychiatrist wanted me to write you this letter." He fumbled over the piece of paper, smoothing out the creases. "He wanted me to write down all the feelings I have for you, all the things I want to say and - "

A slight rustle from the tree next to him, grabbed his attention.

Robert peered beyond the thin pine needles. "Aaron?"

Aaron hesitated, glancing behind him, wondering whether he should make a run for it.

"What are you doing here?" Robert asked, sensing his agitation.

Aaron shuffled toward him, his hands fumbling into his pockets. "Sorry, I – I saw ya walking up here and… I wasn't listening in or anything - "

"It's okay." Robert said, his voice soft. "I'm just doing this - this thing that I was set by my psychiatrist. He wants me to – to talk to my er – birth Mum's grave."

He mumbled the last words so quietly, Aaron had to strain to hear him.

Robert licked his lip, shoving the crumpled piece of paper into his pocket. "It's stupid, this whole thing. I never really knew her…."

"She's still your mother Rob." Aaron said tenderly, "When we were together… you never spoke about her."

Robert shrugged, his tone hard, "Like I said – I never knew her. So there's nothing to speak about."

"You and I both know that's not true." Aaron responded, his tone sharpening. He placed a gentle yet firm hand on Robert's shoulder. "Robert… it's okay to be angry. But – your Mum didn't choose to leave ya. It was an accident."

Tears burned Robert's eyes. "Yeah." He choked. "An accident. That left me without a mother. That ripped a piece of me away… forever."

Aaron's grip on his shoulder tightened. Robert knew that gesture.  _I'm here for you._

"I'm so sorry this happened to ya. Twice." Aaron said, his voice raw with suppressed emotion. "But maybe this – this thing that your doctor asked you to do – maybe it's a way that you can finally move on? Let go of the anger and… just move forward with your life."

Robert was silent for the longest minute. Then, he carefully lowered himself to the ground so he was kneeling upon the earth. He lightly brushed his fingers against his mother's gravestone.

"Mum." He whispered, "I…" His chest started to grow heavy, tears prickling behind his eyes.

He glanced back at Aaron. Aaron smiled, his warm, kind smile, nodding slightly in encouragement.

Robert turned back to Pat's grave. "Mum, I didn't know you. And I don't even know if you can here me now. But I do know that you were the one who gave me life and - brought me into this world. I'm – I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to see me live in it. Maybe that's just as well." His voice wobbled. Behind him, he heard Aaron take a deep breath.

Robert cleared his throat. "Mum… I won't lie to you. It hasn't been easy. Living – without knowing you. Without knowing your voice or your – your laugh. Just.. your whole personality is all lost to me. Guess that's why I've been searching for something all my life. Never happy. Never satisfied. Maybe I've been trying to find you. Sarah she er – she was brilliant. She did all the things that you couldn't do. But I never replaced you!" He added quickly. "Ever. You have to know that. I'd nev – I wasn't even trying to replace you. I just… needed someone look after me and do all the things you couldn't do with me. Like… tucking me in at night and making me breakfast in the morning. Putting a plaster on my scraped knee. Giving me the best cuddles and telling me everything would be okay. Sarah did all those things. And so much more. Sarah was there for me. Until she wasn't. And now I've lost both of you."

Aaron shifted on the soft earth, behind him. Robert knew he was thinking about placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Robert took a deep breath, suddenly feeling a lot less lighter than he did when he arrived. He pressed two fingers to his lips and stroked them over the indented letters of her name. Patricia Sugden.

"I love you. Mum." He whispered, tears leaking from his eyes. "I'm just… sorry it's taken me thirty-one years to come out here and say it. But hey… better late than never, right? Take care Mum."

With trembling legs, he rose to his feet. He turned to Aaron who was watching him with a soft expression etched upon his face. A look of awe and adoration, tears leaking from his eyes.

"Now who's the soft lad." Robert teased, keeping his tone light.

"Shut up." Aaron muttered, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his puffer jacket. "What you just said – it – it was… erm…"

"Yeah." Robert said curtly, shoving his hands in his pockets. Together they started to walk back. "Let's not make a big deal about it."

"But it is a big deal." Aaron pressed. "You've finally opened up about your Mum. Now you can start to - "

Robert halted suddenly, Aaron collided into the back of him.

"Oomph! Rob, what - ?"

Robert threw up a hand to silence him. They were a good few feet away from Sarah's grave, but Robert could see a tall figure stood beside it.

"Robert?" Aaron pressed softly, touching his arm, "Hey… what's up?"

"I – I know who that is." Robert whispered, his lip quivering. He watched as the dark skinned man dropped to his knees in front of Sarah's grave, his shoulders sagging with quiet sobs.

"Who is he?" Aaron asked, "And why's he by your Mum's grave?"

Robert ignored him, marching toward the gravestone.

"Robert - wait!" Aaron hissed, jogging to keep up with Robert's long strides.

The dark skinned man turned toward Robert in shock. Immediately he lept to his feet and started to sprint away.

Robert broke into a run.

"Robert!" Aaron shouted, running after him.

Robert watched as the dark skinned man, lept into a dark green fiat.

Robert quickly turned to Aaron, grabbing his arms. "Aaron where's your car?"

Aaron pointed further down the street, "Over there. Why - "

But Robert was already racing toward it, "Quickly get in and follow that green fiat!" He called out, over his shoulder.

"No!" Aaron said hotly, but digging out his keys nevertheless, "Not till you tell me who that bloke is!"

"Forget it!" Robert huffed, watching the fiat pull away roughly from the kerb. The car began to speed past the Woolpack.

Robert only had one goal in mind. Stop the car. He began to run toward the car now hurtling toward him.

He didn't see the pub doors open. He didn't see Andy, Victoria, Diane and his grandmother all spill out onto the street. He didn't see Chas tripping down the stairs to collect the empty tumblers. He didn't see Liv watching him from afar, her eyes widening in dread.

He didn't hear Aaron's ear splitting scream of sheer terror, "ROBERT STOOOOOP"

Robert only heard the brakes screech and saw a green blur skid to a halt in front of him, smacking into his legs. Robert slammed his palms on the hood, adrenaline keeping him upright.

_Get out of the car._

The driver stared him down. Then he switched off the ignition. Robert felt the low vibration suddenly ebb away, the warmth from the car bonnet, leaving his fingertips.

The door opened.

Slowly the driver stepped out of the car, manuvering around the door so he could face Robert properly.

There in the bleak midwinter… Robert Sugden and Richie Carter stood face to face for the first time in sixteen years.

"Hello Richie." Robert said, his voice neutral.

The memories flooded back, smacking him in the face. The fire. The scream. Richie grabbing onto his Dad as he spluttered,  _'What have you done? What have you done? Sarah - she's in there - Sarah!'_

Richie gave him a sad, defeated smile in response. "Hiya Rob."

* * *

_to be continued..._


	25. Ghosts of Christmas Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for all the patience, you loyal readers! We're almost at the end so bear with! Had to split this chapter into two and currently editing the other one so it'll be up tomorrow! Let me know what you think! x

 

 

 

"Oh my God! Richie? Richie Carter is that you?" Diane shrilled, teetering toward the man, who still hadn't taken his eyes off Robert.

"Hello Diane." Richie said, glancing at her.

Aaron jogged up to Robert, whacking his arm, "Oi What the hell was that?" He hissed, his anger still throbbing, "You nearly got yourself killed right in front of me, in front of your family – in – in front of Liv!" He added as she came sprinting toward them.

"Sorry." Robert muttered, without even looking at Aaron.

Aaron glowered at Richie, "Who's this?"

Richie blanched at Aaron's blatant rudeness. The Sugdens slowly started forming a circle around them.

"Robert," Richie started, moving toward him. Robert whimpered slightly, backing away. Aaron's hand automatically caught his arm, keeping him steady.

"Why don't we all take this inside?" Annie suggested, eyeing Richie up and down with intense dislike. "We really can't air more dirty laundry out onto the street."

"I'm actually late for - "

"Come inside." Annie commanded, already turning back to the pub.

Richie hung his head and traipsed off after her.

Robert stared after him, "What's he doing here?" He whispered to Andy, "After all these years – why is he back now? Does he always do this, does he always visit Mum's grave?"

Andy shrugged, looking as if he wanted to throw up.

"Maybe you should go and ask him." Victoria said in a hushed voice, "Come on Rob, what harm can it do?"

"A lot!" Andy interrupted, his anger flaring, "Rob, you don't need this right now!"

Robert licked his lip, unable to respond. This would be painful for them both. Like ripping off the plaster over their healing wound. Robert could see the anguish churning in his brother's eyes, because he felt it in his gut.

The memories of the fire, of their mother's death, would once again be dragged up from the ashes. And there was nowhere to run.

"I – I have to see him." Robert said, almost apologetically. He saw Andy's demeanor crumple in defeat. "I'm sorry Andy. I need to do this."

Aaron frowned at the exchange between the brothers, exchanging a confused glance with Liv. Robert placed a comforting hand on Andy's shoulder, "Come inside and sit with us."

"That's not a good idea." Andy said quickly.

"We need to show a united front pet." Diane said, her voice laced with kindness.

"Who is that guy?" Liv asked, on Aaron's behalf.

Robert took a deep breath. "His name's Richie Carter. And he was my… he was having an affair with my Mum before she died. He – he was actually in the barn that night. He got out. She didn't."

Aaron didn't miss the sheer pain, disguised as bitterness, laced in Robert's voice.

"Do you want me to stay with ya or…?"

Robert shrugged, "If you like." He began to move away. Then he stopped, glancing over his shoulder he said, in a much softer tone, "Yeah. Stay."

Together, they all trooped back inside. Immediately, the pub quietened.

Robert straightened his spine, determined not to let anything – or anyone – rile him up.

"Richie?" Marlon called out, his mouth hanging open gormlessly.

"Hi Marlon." Richie muttered, marching past him.

"Close your mouth Marlon, the flies are piling up." Aaron snapped, following Robert to a booth in the back.

Richie had no choice but to perch on a stool at the edge. Everyone else slid into the booth with ease, cloistered together. Watching him.

Richie licked his lip nervously, "Can I get a round in? Rob? Pint? You're old enough to drink now right?" He asked, keeping his teasing tone to a minimum.

Robert didn't crack a smile. "Yeah. But I'm not drinking alcohol right now."

"Bit early for a New Year's resolution." Richie responded lightly.

"It's not a New Year's thing. I'm on medication. I have problems." Robert said, his voice deadpan.

"I'll get the drinks in." Diane murmured, flagging Chas down.

Richie nervously wiped his palms on his knees. They all stared at each other awkwardly, for a good three minutes.

"I still can't believe you three are here together." He said, a fondness caressing his voice. It took a while for everyone to click that Richie's attention was focused on Robert, Andy and Victoria. No one else.

"You grew up well." He continued, smiling. There was a tense silence as everyone knew – and dreaded what was coming next. Like watching an archer, pulling back the string of his bow, waiting for his arrow to hit the target.

"I know Sarah would've been so proud."

Bullseye.

"Proud of what?" Robert said loudly.

"Proud of you all." Richie answered hastily, "Of how you've all grown…."

He was saved from further embarrassment as Chas sashayed over, balancing a tray of drinks. "Hiya." She chirped, ignoring Aaron's steady glower. She carefully placed a glass of water in front of Robert, before distributing the other drinks. He saw Richie's eyes flicker in sympathy and felt a surge of anger in his veins.

"You spending Christmas with your family then Richie?" Victoria asked, keeping her voice casual.

"Yes! Of course."

At Robert's frown, Victoria realised the words that had flown out of her mouth. She swallowed, casting an apologetic look his way. "I - I visited Richie about ten years ago. Asking questions about Mum and – the fire…"

Andy's fingers tightened around his pint glass, his knuckles straining out of their skin.

"Richie mentioned he had a wife…"

"You have a wife?" Robert shot out, ignoring the pinprick of hurt at Victoria's visiting Richie behind their backs.

Relieved, Richie dug into his pocket for his phone. He held up a glossy, oversized handset so everyone could peer at the lockscreen. A fairly pretty woman, in her mid-thirties, beamed up at them. "That's her."

Robert raised his brow in mock interest, "Bit young for you, isn't she?"

If it wasn't for the razor sharp way in which Robert delivered that line, Aaron would've thought he was joking. He even felt Liv tense a little, wondering whether she should laugh or not.

Andy's cheek twitched in a tiny smirk. Even Annie pursed her lips in a silent approval.

Richie's face fell. "Okay." He sighed, sliding the phone back into his pocket. "Robert… do you have a problem with me? Because we seemed to get on… from what I remember anyway…"

"Do I have a problem?" Robert echoed, lifting his eyes upward in exaggerated thinking. "Hmm. Well. You stole my Mum away from us and then left her to burn to death."

"That's not - "

"Then you blamed my Dad and put him in prison. So yeah. I do think I have a sodding problem!" Robert hissed. "Do you have any idea what it was like for us? If it weren't for Kathy, we'd have all be taken into care! We were grieving, we'd just lost our Mum thanks to you and then you go and put our Dad behind bars!"

Richie gave Andy a very pointed look, "That's because I thought he was the one who started the fire."

Andy glared into his pint glass.

"Andy only started that fire so Mum would come back home to us!" Robert shot out, unable to stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth. "It's not Andy's fault, it's not my Dad's fault, it's not my fault, but yours! For stealing her away from her family!"

Richie waited a beat, for Robert to collect himself. "How long have you been waiting to that off your chest?"

Robert heaved an exaggerated sigh. "Seventeen years."

"Robert I really don't want to fight with you." Richie glanced at Andy, "Any of you. There's just no point." He leaned across the table, forcing Robert to make eye contact with him. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I know it doesn't mean much now. And I'm sorry for everything you've gone through. But you should know – I never meant to steal her away. Me and Sarah, we fell in love."

Robert scoffed, "You're only a few years older than us!"

"Doesn't matter. What Sarah and I had was real." Richie protested, his eyes narrowing. "And it'll break her heart to know that you're all beating yourselves up over it."

"That's a bit below the belt." Aaron interjected. He'd kept silent until now, letting Robert do all the yelling – but he'll be damned if someone used Sarah's death as a way to guilt trip Robert into anything. He'd been through enough.

Richie gave Aaron a tired smile. "Sorry, who are you?"

"This is Aaron." Robert said curtly, before Aaron could respond. "We used to be… together."

Aaron felt a twinge of hurt at the casual use of past tense… but he didn't dwell on it. He knew Robert wasn't in the right headspace. They'd only just started inching their way back together and… now he'd just come out to his mother's old boyfriend.

Aaron knew when to make a big deal out of things and when to keep his mouth shut.

Richie's eyes widened. "Oh. Okay."

Robert glowered at him, as if daring him to comment.

Richie downed his pint, giving Aaron a small nod in recognition. He looked at his watch, "I really should head off. Traffic will be a nightmare. It was nice seeing you all again. Especially you Rob." He stood up, wounding a thick scarf around his neck.

Aaron wondered how close those two used to be. Only a handful of people called him 'Rob,' and they were usually the inner circle.

"Do you come to Mum's grave often?" Robert asked suddenly, his voice small.

Richie hesitated, then nodded. "Sometimes. Since getting married I've stopped. I came this year because… well… I might as well say it. My wife and I – we're having another baby."

An uncomfortable silence settled over the table. Oblivious, Richie continued, "And we're leaving Hotten. We're moving the family down South. I'm very excited about it, new start and that but… I guess I wanted to visit Sarah's grave and say a final goodbye. I won't be coming back."

"Right." Victoria said, completely at loss in how to respond.

"Do you all have children?" Richie asked.

"I've got a daughter, called Sarah after… you know… and a son called Jack." Andy said quickly.

"I don't have kids yet." Victoria said quietly, her cheeks flushing.

All eyes turned on Robert.

"Rob what about you?" Richie asked.

Robert waited a few seconds before saying calmly. "No. I don't have any kids."

"You have loads of time." Richie said, in what he hoped was a voice of reassurance.

"Yeah that's what I need." Robert muttered, "More time."

"How come we never see ya?" Victoria asked quickly.

Richie shoved his hands in his pocket. "I thought it best if I just left you all to move on. Keep the past in the past."

No one knew how to respond.

"Goodbye. And… take care of each other." Richie said, a sad smile gracing his face.

"We will." Andy said softly. "Course we will. Take care Richie."

Richie Carter strode out of the pub, keeping his head down. Robert sat back in his seat, a mixture of emotions running through his mind.

He offloaded his feelings, his anger, his blame, onto Richie. This was something that he had wanted to do for the past seventeen years. Now… he didn't know where to go?

His mother was still dead. So his was his father. And his son.

But the rest of his family were still here. Alive and well, sitting beside him. Richie had moved on.

He watched Aaron and Liv chuckle at something Annie had said. Robert felt a small tug at the corner of his lip.

"I'm gonna grab some fresh air." He said suddenly, scooting out of the booth.

"You want some company?" Andy asked.

"No. No I – I'm okay on my own." He replied softly.

The two brothers exchanged a knowing look. Robert quickly ducked out of the pub.

He saw Richie standing in the middle of the street, just staring at the village that had given - yet taken - so much.

"Richie!" Robert called out, hitching the collar of his coat up, as he jogged toward him. "Wait up."

Richie glanced around, probably anticipating some kind of punch up, now the two of them were finally alone together.

"I'm – I'm sorry I was such a git to you earlier." Robert said, avoiding eye contact. "Things haven't been so great during these past few months. Seeing you again just made it worse. But don't take it personally."

Richie smiled. "At least you're not smashing my car windows in. I call that progress."

A small chuckle escaped Robert's lips. Even though he wanted to cry.

"You're a far cry from that fourteen year old kid who used to run riot round here. Now look at ya. I didn't er – I didn't realise how small the age gap was between us. Until now." Richie said awkwardly.

"Yeah, I think that lot in there reckon I had a thing for you." Robert jested. "I didn't!" He added quickly, seeing the alarm flash across Richie's face. "Don't worry, it was a joke!"

Richie breathed a sigh of relief, "Oh! Okay."

"So you really are going for good?" Robert asked, keeping his tone neutral. "And never coming back?"

Richie nodded. "I meant what I said. Take care of yourself."

"I – I'm sorry I said those things about your wife!" Robert said, hanging his head in shame. "If Mum were here she'd probably give me a clip round the ear."

"Listen Rob, I know your family blame me for what happened. Because - "

"Because they wouldn't dare blame my Dad." Robert finished blandly. "Yeah, yeah. I guess it's easier to blame the living than the dead. But I know. I was there. Dad wasn't exactly the perfect husband. Or father."

"No." Richie said, pursing his lips. "But your Mum… she did love him. And on that night, she was on her way back to him. I followed her to the farm and dragged her into the barn, begging her to give me another chance. But she wouldn't. And then…"

"Yeah." Robert whispered, tears prickling his eyes.

"I'll never forget that scream." Richie said, his eyes clouding in sorrow. "I hear it all the time."

"Me – me too!" Robert said hoarsely, "I – I'm seeing a psychiatrist now, to help me finally deal with it. But I don't know if it'll ever go away for good."

Richie's face dropped, "Oh Rob. When Victoria showed up on my doorstep all those years ago, she'd looked a right mess. She was so upset, begging me to tell her all about Sarah and the fire. I think she'd been drinking. I heard Andy hasn't had an easy time of it either. And you… I hate it. Seeing you all so broken."

"We're not broken."

Came a familiar, defiant voice from behind them.

Robert whipped round. Victoria and Andy marched toward them, with Diane and Annie trailing behind. Robert saw Aaron and Liv hovering near the door.

"We've got each other." Victoria said firmly.

"Good." Richie replied, his voice laced with sincerity. Robert noticed that Richie kept gazing at Victoria with a soft, tender look. Perhaps it was because she was the last piece of Sarah they all had left. Robert understood the feeling only too well.

"Bye Richie." Robert said, his voice small. "I – I wish you well."

Richie looked as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He breathed a sigh of relief. "You too Rob. Take care of yourselves. And er... Merry Christmas."

Richie Carter slipped into his car and quietly drove off into the night. The Sugden siblings linked arms, a quiet feeling of satisfaction sizzling through the three of them, as a large chapter of their past was finally laid to rest.

* * *

to be continued...


	26. The Curse of The Sugdens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I might have a couple of more chapters before the end... what can I say? I need to finish this properly, you all deserve it! Thanks for sticking around so patiently! And let me know what you think! X

 

"Do you believe in the curse of the Sugdens?" Robert asked Andy and his grandmother as they filed back into the farmhouse.

Andy frowned, hanging up his coat, "All families are cursed, no?"

"I don't know." Robert said pointedly, "The Sugdens must have seriously pissed off an old witch, sometime in the past!"

"Don't talk nonsense Robert!" Annie snapped.

"Dad said that Uncle Joe spoke about it before he left Emmerdale!" Robert protested heatedly, "For good."

"Why don't you write about it then." Annie said in a clipped voice. "I'm sure the world would love to know what a hard luck family we all are!"

"Well we are!" Robert griped, "We keep getting whacked repeatedly with the shit stick - "

"Language Robert!" Annie scolded.

"And it doesn't matter if we find any happiness." Robert continued, "It's never long lived."

The three of them stared at the floor, listening to the steady ticking of the clock, slicing off more time from their lives.

"I'm going to bed." Annie said, her voice heavy.

Robert felt a twinge of guilt. He hurried over to her, giving her a gentle kiss on her wrinkled cheek. "I'm sorry Gran. I didn't mean to - "

"I know you didn't. I'm just glad you're finally talking to us. Rather than bottling it all up." Annie stroked his cheek, "We all have each other. Just remember that. Andy found his way back to us. You're still alive. Yes, we've lost people along the way. But that just means we need to cherish one another and hold onto each other a bit tighter. Okay?"

Robert stared at his grandmother in amazement. How was he related to this strong, independent, fierce woman? If she could battle any storm, bury three husbands, three children, three grandchildren and still come fighting, then so could he!

"Night Gran." Robert whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too lad." Annie replied with a wink. "And Merry Christmas." She said, climbing the staircase toward her room.

Andy shoved his hands into his pockets, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. "It was weird seeing Richie again. After all this time."

"Are you okay?" Robert asked softly.

"Me?" Andy countered back, in shock. "Er – yeah Rob, I – well, no it was very weird if I'm being honest. But – I should be asking you if you're the one feeling okay? So er – are you okay?"

Robert released a tired laugh. "I… actually am. I always thought about what I'd do if I ever saw Richie again? I always imagined… I don't know… that he'd fallen on hard times. As punishment. You know?"

Andy's eyes flickered to the floor, ashamed. Robert quickly walked toward him, placing a reassuring hand on his brother's shoulder. Andy lifted his head up, slowly, so their eyes could meet.

"Andy… I wanted him to suffer because he's the one who took Mum away from us. Or so I thought. I didn't stop to consider our Dad's role in all of this. How he probably drove her away."

"He drove you away too." Andy said quietly. "I'm sorry Rob. I'm sorry we weren't friends when Dad died. Because the truth is… I needed ya. Back then. When I asked you to come back to the farm and help me… I meant it. I was scared."

"I wasn't ready back then." Robert responded, his voice shaking slightly. "But I am now. I mean it Andy. Let's give this farm another go and make Dad proud again."

Andy grinned, "I can do that."

Robert instinctively pulled his brother into a tight embrace, truly grateful to have him back. Andy tenderly patted Robert's back. When they broke apart, both boys had tears glistening in their eyes.

They bade each other goodnight and Robert watched Andy depart for his room, his heart feeling lighter.

His phone pinged, the tiny sound ringing clear through the silent kitchen. Robert glanced at the screen.

Aaron:

_Hey, u ok? x_

Robert bit his lip, stopping the smile from breaking through. He quickly typed back:

_I am now. Thanks. x_

Aaron:

_Want to talk about it? x_

Robert hesitated. Then fired back –

_Want to come over? X_

There was a whole, agonising minute before a response pinged back.

Aaron:

_On my way. X_

Robert frantically tidied the kitchen, which just consisted of him dumping mugs into the sink and giving the table and countertop a quick wipedown.

The sound of gravel crunching outside, forced Robert to stop, dishcloth clutched in his hand. Quickly, he tossed it in the washing machine and checked his hair in the window reflection.

There was a soft knock at the back door. Robert carefully eased the door open, leaning against the hinge, his charming smirk fixed in place. In the glare of the porch light, he saw a small blush creeping up Aaron's neck.

"All right?" Aaron asked, his voice vibrating with nerves.

Robert didn't reply. Just swung the door to the side to let Aaron inside. Robert shut the door and slid the bolt across.

Aaron hovered nervously in the kitchen, shoving his hands in his pockets. "You okay after everything that happened with that Richie bloke?"

"Yeah." Robert replied softly, surpising himself at how genuine he sounded. "I didn't think I would be. But I guess this is what it means to move on. I'm not fourteen anymore."

"Can you? Move on?" Aaron asked, hope quivering in his eyes.

Robert smiled. A warm spark of courage suddenly flickered in his cold, empty, heart. "I can try." He offered.

Aaron bit the smile from his lips. "Good."

"You er – you want a beer?" Robert asked, moving toward the fridge.

It was Aaron's turn to smirk, knowing what that line was code for. Robert rolled his eyes, poking around in the fridge, "Take it easy! I'm just offering you a beer."

Aaron scrunched up his nose, "That's usually how it starts though innit?" He allowed himself to admire the perfect view of Robert's rear end, bent over the fridge.

Robert straightened up, chuckling to himself. He snapped open a can and chucked the other one to Aaron.

"Where's your Gran and Andy?" Aaron asked, cracking open his can.

"Asleep. Upstairs. On the other side of the house." Robert said, taking small sips, all the while his eyes were burning into Aaron's.

Aaron quickly put down his can, his fingers pulling at the collar of his jacket. "S'warm in here innit?"

"It's much cooler upstairs." Robert responded nonchalantly, leaning against the countertop, his long calves crossed against each other, whilst his fingertips drummed on the counter.

Aaron swallowed and glanced away, unzipping his parka.

Robert casually took more sips of his beer, deliberately hiding his grin. He'd completely forgotten how much of an affect he'd had on Aaron. And apparently… still has.

These past few months had been absolute hell for him. He'd spent most of it thinking – no, convincing himself that Aaron didn't want him anymore. That Aaron didn't desire him anymore.

Why would he?

But with Aaron now here, in his kitchen, just the two of them gazing across the room at each other… the flames of lust was practically spitting from him.

If there was any validation Robert needed… the piercing look Aaron was currently giving him, was proof that he'd never stopped wanting Robert. Never stopped needing him.

Never stopped loving him.

Robert knew it would happen, just not the immense speed in which it did. Two strides it took, for them both to cross the room, then they were back, interlocked into each other's arms again, devouring each other in kisses. Beer cans tipped onto the floor, a golden sticky mess, pooling at their feet.

Robert laughed into Aaron's neck. It would be a bitch to clean in the morning and it probably wasn't the most hygenic idea, to do this where everyone ate but – screw it! This was his house, his rules!

Aaron pawed at their clothes, removing their jackets, their shirts, their belts, all the while, his lips peppering loving kisses onto Robert's neck and cheeks. Desperate for that skin-to-skin contact with Robert that he'd missed so damned much. He just wanted to show Robert how much he loved him.

Robert moaned, slamming Aaron into the fridge. The misallaneous objects discarded atop the fridge, rattled – as did the fridge – causing bottles of cleaning fluid and kitchen roll to tumble onto their heads.

"Let's take this to my room." Robert breathed, stifling a giggle.

Aaron just murmured into Robert's shoulder as he regained control of his ragged breathing.

Robert grabbed Aaron's hand and the two of them silently padded upstairs to Robert's bedroom.

* * *

Two hours later, they both lay in Robert's bed, flushed and panting, beads of sweat dripping down their foreheads, as they waited for their racing heartbeats to calm down.

Robert lay on his back, one leg hooked around Aaron's, while he just stared out of the window.

Aaron had missed clasping himself to Robert's naked body. He'd never felt comfortable doing this with any of his other lovers. Not even Jackson or Ed. Cuddling was never his thing. Or so he thought. Until Robert Jacob Sugden came barrelling into his life and that was the end of that.

Robert made him feel things he'd only ever, secretly, dreamed about. Deep, intense feelings that he didn't know he was capable of feeling. And it scared the shit out of him.

He'd die for Robert. He'd set the world alight for Robert. A few months ago he would've shaken his head in sadness, at how unhealthy it was to feel like this about another human. Now, Aaron could've taken his past self and punched him for being so stupid! How many people spent their entire lives, searching the world for what they had? The intense, ever-burning, all consuming kind of love? Why would he give that up again?

Aaron traced his finger up and down Robert's body. There was no denying that his body had changed over the past few months, especially recently, given his… illness. Robert's alabaster skin now stretched tightly across his bones and there was a small hole in his stomach, where the nasogastric tube had been inserted. Usually, where Aaron had felt muscle, there was just bone. It was terrifying but if anything it just made Aaron's heart ache even more.

Of course the jagged bullet wound scar was still indented into his skin. It wasn't as raw or red as it used to be. Now it seemed more like a rash. Aaron lightly traced his fingers over the raised valley of flesh, remembering only too well, that God awful night as he pressed his palms against his lover's chest, desperately trying to stem the flow of blood.

Never, had he felt so connected to Robert as he was right now. Lying in his bed, in the very room he was born in, enveloped by his family's history… it sent a shiver down Aaron's spine. He shuffled closer to Robert, gazing upon his beautiful face.

Robert still stared out of the window, slices of moonlight falling on his face, giving him an ethreal glow.

"You okay?" Aaron asked lightly, "Rob?"

Robert still didn't respond.

It was something he always did. Many a night, Aaron had woken up to find the bed empty and Robert crouched by the window or turned away from him in bed, gazing into the night sky in a melancholy daze, locked in his own thoughts.

Aaron kissed his cheek, "What's up?" He asked softly, bringing him back.

Robert shook his head. "Just thinking."

"About what?" Aaron gently, knowing when to push and when to leave it.

"About my death."

It was the cool, calmness in his tone that shocked Aaron into silence.

He swallowed. The warm, haziness of their afterglow suddenly drained away, replaced by a hollow, cold feeling of forboding. Aaron's grip tightened on Robert's arm.

"What do you mean?" He asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

"I never thought I'd make it to thirty. And let's be honest I nearly didn't." Robert sighed, trying to unhook his arm out of Aaron's vice-like grip, but he stubbornly clung on.

He wasn't letting Robert go.

"Why are you thinking about that now Robert?" Aaron asked, panic seeping into his voice. Oh God, was he not enough? Was Robert planning on killing himself?

"I always think about it." Robert answered simply, "Ever since I was a kid actually. When we were younger, I once asked Andy how he thought he was gonna die. He laughed at me, like it was a joke. Never spoke about it since."

"Why would you think about it?" Aaron asked again, dreading the answer.

Robert shrugged, "Guess, I'm just used to losing everyone. Mainly to death. Figured it won't be long till my time came. I've lost my brother - my brother Jackie, he died when he was only twenty-four, did you know that? Shot himself in the head, by accident. Or so they say. And then there's my Mum Pat. Car crash. My Uncle Joe. Car crash. My Aunt Peggy, she died of a brain haemorrhage. She was only like, twenty-seven. And her kids, my cousins, Sam and Sally, they got hit by a train. They were only three and were in a car when it stalled on the tracks. They must've been so terrified..."

"God." Aaron breathed, swallowing his tears and trying not to remember Jackson. "But - but that doesn't mean something bad's gonna happen to you."

Robert's head rolled toward him with a sad smile. "It already has. And I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. That maybe you... you'll fall out of love with me again."

Aaron's resolve cracked, tears of anger, pooling his eyes. "You what? Again?" His fingers tightened on Robert's arm. "I told you I never stopped loving ya! You and me? We're forever!"

"Forever?" Robert muttered, "What does that even mean anymore? Listen Aaron, I don't think we should - "

Aaron grabbed Robert's face and kissed him into silence, trying to pour all his love, into that one, burning kiss.

He didn't want to listen. He didn't want to even contemplate a world or future where Robert wasn't a part of his life.

"You're not pushing me away again." Aaron said, sniffing. "You gave me all the space I needed after – after everything that happened and let me go at my own pace. So let me do the same for you. If you wanna stay and work on the farm and only spend the nights together – here - then let's do it. I just want you to know I'm here for ya."

Robert frowned, sitting up straighter, "So… you want to go back to being just fuckbuddies?" He asked, his tone sharpening in disbelief.

"No!" Aaron countered in frustration and also… anger. "You're not listening to me! I said I'm gonna be here for ya, whenever you want. It'll be on your terms because I know you've been ill and you need to get better and I want to help you - get better. Because – I love ya! You idiot!"

Robert held his breath, hardly daring to believe it. "So… you and me, we're really doing this?"

Aaron released a small laugh, "Yes you muppet! We're really doing this!"

They kissed again, tender yet full of passion and promise. Robert broke away first, their lips smacking apart. He glanced at the clock on his bedside table and grinned. "Merry Christmas… Mr Sugden."

Aaron chuckled, his shining with relief and most importantly – love. "Merry Christmas Mr Dingle."

* * *

_to be continued..._


	27. Christmas With The Sugdens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your patience guys! A couple more to go! x

 

Robert stretched out in bed like a lazy cat, sunlight streaming through the skylight. Downstairs he could hear the frenetic energy of his family bustling around the kitchen, preparing Christmas lunch. Pots clanging, Victoria barking orders, doors banging. Usually the noise would make Robert groan and shuffle under the duvet. But he felt a strange sense of happiness, something he hadn't felt since he was a child. His family in his house. For Christmas.

It was literally a dream come true.

His arm absently stroked the right side of the bed, reaching for Aaron. Instead, he felt the cold bedsheet and a body imprint. Lifting his head up, he heard the sprinkling of the shower from bathroom. Allowing a satisfied smirk to creep on his face, he squashed his head back into his pillow, wrapping the duvet around him.

The bathroom door opened and Aaron emerged through a cloud of steam, scratching his damp hair, blue towel wrapped around his hips. "Had to use your towel and toothbrush. Sorry mate."

Robert propped himself up on his elbow, admiring the view. "After last night… using my toothbrush and towel… really shouldn't be an issue." He winked.

Aaron laughed, chucking the towel at him. "Shut up!"

Robert watched as Aaron picked up his clothes from the floor and quickly pulled them on.

"You gonna watch me get dressed or are you gonna get downstairs and help your lot with lunch?" Aaron asked, sliding his belt through his jeans.

Robert waved a hand dismissively, "They can manage on their own. Besides, they usually yell when food's ready."

Aaron rolled his eyes, "You're so spoiled."

"I'm allowed to be." Robert replied, pouting. "I've been through a lot."

Even though he meant it in jest, he saw the way Aaron's face melted into concern. He walked over to Robert's side of the bed and sat down, running his hand through Robert's hair. "You okay for today?"

"You mean… will I stuff myself?" Robert asked, immediately understanding the subtext. "That's what Christmas is about isn't it?"

"No one will force you to eat Robert." Aaron said firmly, "But - "

"But I have to." Robert said gruffly. He interlinked their fingers together, trying to smile, "I'll be okay Aaron. I'm getting better. I promise. And yes… Christmas is all about celebrating family and kids – and - and of course I'm gonna think of my son. And I probably won't be able to eat or swallow because… well – because I'll be thinking about him. And wondering why I'm allowed to eat and enjoy today when he's…" Aaron's fingers tightened. "But then… I remember my dream. And I remember my Dad's promise to look after my son. And I know he's okay. So I'm okay. Does that make sense?"

Aaron stared at him in amazement. Then he bent down and kissed his forehead, "I'm so proud of you." Aaron whispered against his skin.

* * *

Robert clattered downstairs around eleven in the morning. Victoria was stirring about three different pots on the stove, frantically chatting to Diane. Bernice leaned on the countertop, a large glass of wine already clutched in her hand, whilst Doug sneakily topped himself up with some of Robert's whiskey.

Aaron and Liv were already sat at the table peeling potatoes and laughing at something Annie was telling them.

Annie kept to her own corner, expertly rolling out a sheet of shortcrust pastry. Sarah sat on a chair next to her, spooning mincemeat into the small circles of pastry whilst Jack sat on the floor in the living room, his attention fully focused on his new lego set.

Robert felt a warm fluttering in his stomach. Watching everyone clatter around his tiny kitchen… reminded him of the simple, good old days, where family was everything.

"Morning sleeping beauty!" Bernice chirped as Robert dropped into a seat.

Victoria immediately placed a chopping board with about ten carrots lined up, in front of him. She shoved a knife into his hand, "Peel and chop those please."

"Yes your Majesty!" Robert grumbled, exchanging an expaserated look with Andy, who had been forced into an apron and was now wrapping bacon around greasy sausages.

"We're already running late!" Victoria shrilled, wiping her hands on her apron. "Oh my God, I forgot the chicken!"

Robert and Andy burst out laughing. Victoria threw a teatowel at Andy and ordered Robert to keep chopping.

Aaron kept shooting shy glances at him from across the table.

"You not going to your lot for Christmas then?" Robert asked Aaron, keeping his tone neutral.

Aaron shook his head. "Nope. We've sacked off spending Christmas with the Dingles this year. Gonna spend it with the Sugdens instead. If that's okay with you."

Robert kept his head down, slicing each carrot with precision, a smile bubbling through his lips, "Sure. It's okay with me."

While everyone bustled around the table, scrambling to their places, Victoria darting back and forth with steaming dishes, Robert sat back and just soaked in the atmosphere. Finally, when everyone was ready, Robert took his place at the head of the table. All eyes slowly turned toward him.

Did they want him to make a speech?

"What?" He asked to Andy, who was seated to his left.

"Nothing." He replied quickly, picking up a bottle of beer.

"Wait – actually, I have something to say." Robert swallowed nervously. "I – I bought Emmerdale Farm back because deep in my heart, it's always been my home. I've lived in here by myself and with you all… and I have to say that having you here under this roof, for Christmas – it's made me really happy. So thanks."

"Thank you for having us pet!" Diane chirped, offering him a large plate with neatly sliced pieces of chicken.

Robert stared at it, feeling everyone's eyes burning onto him.

"I'll have some of that, thanks Diane!" Aaron piped up, hastily stabbing his fork into a chicken breast.

It broke the ice.

Everyone squabbled over the food, passing plates back and forth, pulling crackers, guzzling back the booze. Robert smiled. He carefully loaded his own plate up with small amounts of food, knowing he was under the watchful eye of his family. He cut the meat and vegetables into tiny chunks, knowing it would help him.

If anyone noticed, they didn't comment.

Robert smirked. Maybe it was just as well they were all hammered.

* * *

It was the best Christmas Robert had had in over twenty years. Only two months ago, he'd been lying on his cold, living room floor, watching the fire burn and wondering why he existed. Now, he crouched beside his nephew, helping him build an impressive train set, while the rest of his family merrily laughed and joked around him.

Everyone else seemed so happy and relaxed. Doug dozed peacefully in an armchair, his paper hat drooping across his face. Bernice and Diane kept pouring glasses of wine, their cheeks stained pink, giggling at the most random of things.

Mainly Andy.

And Aaron and Liv sat next to Annie, their attention fixed on her every word. Both of them seemed to have developed a fond attachment to her. And Robert couldn't have been more pleased.

After everyone had stuffed themselves with Victoria's delicious Christmas pudding (Robert had only a tiny slice,) they all exchanged presents.

Robert hadn't had the time to buy anyone anything this year and neither he nor Andy had the funds to do so.

"Here y'are Rob, this one's from me and Vic!" Andy hollered, chucking a large, overwrapped parcel at him.

Robert expertly caught it with one hand. "I thought we weren't doing presents this year! What with us being broke and everything!"

"It's a sibling thing." Victoria said, perching on the end of the couch.

"What is it?" Robert asked, squeezing the package. There was something soft underneath…

"Just open it!" Andy urged.

With Jack's help, Robert tore through the shiny, gold wrapping paper. A dark blue, denim jacket fell onto his lap.

"What's this?" Robert asked in amusement, holding up the jacket for everyone to see. It was a different style than his old one but made of the same, crisp material. And much more stylish.

"We're getting really sick of seeing you in that old getup." Victoria said, scrunching up her nose. "It's soooo 2002!"

"We thought it best that we buy you a new one." Andy smiled warmly, "Fresh start and all that."

Robert returned the smile, shrugging into his new jacket. It still had that strong denim smell.

"You look almost fit in that." Aaron commented, his eyes wrinkling with the massive smile he was firing toward Robert.

Robert scoffed, preening in front of his family, "Almost? Please! I'm flipping gorgeous and you know it."

Aaron and Liv rolled their eyes.

"Should've bought him a new ego." Annie mumbled, taking a small sip of sherry.

"Er, Gran the doctors said to go easy on that!" Robert warned, pointing a finger at her.

"Oh hush Robert I'm only having one!" Annie huffed, hiccuping.

"One and that's your lot!" Robert said sternly.

"I'm ninety-seven Robert!" Annie responded airily, hiccuping again. "Let me enjoy my last few years."

"I plan to keep you around longer than a few years." Robert said stubbornly. "So please lay off the booze."

"Spoilsport." Annie grumbled, but she slipped Aaron a small wink.

"Feel bad that I didn't get you guys anything now." Robert said, his smile waning.

"Make it up to us next year when Sugden Boys takes off!" Victoria said, waving her finger at him.

Robert held up his hand, "On my honour, I will!"

He moved toward the frosted window and gazed upon the dewy fields. Something had been niggling him in the back of his mind during the whole day. Suddenly, he clapped his hands together. "I'm gonna go for a walk! Who wants to come?"

"A walk?" Victoria said frowning.

Robert exchanged a look with Andy and the realisation hit him. "Of course." Andy scrambled to his feet. "Christmas morning we always took walks. When Mum was alive."

"I'm going to sit this one out love." Annie said, blinking sleepily, "But you go on ahead and have fun."

"I think we should make it a tradition every Christmas." Robert said softly, "Morning or afternoon, we go for a walk and remember Mum. Shall we do that?"

Victoria sniffed, her eyes glistening, "Do you even need to ask?"

* * *

Actually Robert so wished he hadn't asked.

His doctors had warned him that exercise was to be undertaken in moderate doses, or else he could accidentally induce another heart attack.

But he'd been too wrapped up in his bubble of happiness, inside the farm, that he'd forgotten about how much of a trek these walks could be. He'd also overlooked the fact that a lot of the land – his land, was uphill.

As a child - hell, even as a young, fit, adult, it completely bypassed him. Now, his legs strained to support him as they all trudged toward the main forest. Even to lift his own leg out of the squelching mud, was an effort in itself.

Robert gritted his teeth, wishing he'd snatched his grandmother's cane. No, he wished he'd stayed in the farmhouse with her.

When they approached the familiar wooden gate, Robert's stomach plumetted.

No way could he climb over that.

Aaron halted next to him, clearly noticing his discomfort. Robert could tell he was itching to say something.

"Does this thing open?" Bernice asked, her voice carrying loud over the fields.

"Nah, we have to jump it!" Andy said, bounding over the gate. "Rob and I used to do this all the time as kids, didn't we Rob?"

Robert forced a smile, nodding, "All the time."

Aaron raised his brows at him, but didn't say anything.

He watched, prickling with envy as Andy and the kids, Victoria and Liv all lept effortlessly over the fence.

Bernice primly stepped over the wooden barrier, her hand clutching onto Andy's bulging arm and giggling at something he muttered.

Robert waited until Doug helped Diane over the gate, before placing both his hands onto the damp wood. With trembling arms, he tried to hoist himself up when a much stronger, firmer hand, clamped down over his.

"Don't even think about it mate." Aaron growled into his ear, his breath hot on Robert's neck.

Robert sighed, turning to face him. Aaron didn't look angry or upset…just worried.

Robert called out to the others, "Actually, I'm gonna hang back here for a bit. You guys go on without me."

"Eh? You sure?" Andy called back, ignoring Jack who kept tugging on his hand.

"I'm sure, you go on ahead. I'll – I'll wait for you guys here." Robert said, offering up a smile.

"Are you okay Rob?" Victoria asked, her voice laced with concern.

"I'm fine Vic, honestly!" Robert replied quickly. "Just go, I'll be fine."

"Aaron you coming?" Liv asked.

Aaron glanced at Robert before shouting, "Nah. I'll wait here with Robert."

Liv shrugged, smirking to herself and ran off to join the rest of the group.

"You can go." Robert said to Aaron, his breathing steadily increasing, "I don't need - "

"Yeah you do." Aaron interrupted, anxiety melting over his face. "Robert I don't want to worry ya… but your cheeks are all pink - "

"It's cold!"

"And you're struggling to breathe." Aaron said, his voice hoarse with frustration. His eyes began to glisten. Whether it was the cold, or something else… Robert couldn't tell. He didn't want to know. He hated seeing Aaron even remotely upset.

"Okay, I'll take it easy." Robert released a deep breath, sinking against the fence.

"If I hadn't stopped ya, would you have tried to jump the fence?" Aaron asked.

"Yes." Robert replied through gritted teeth, tears threatening to fall. "Okay? Yes, I would've tried to jump the bloody fence! But I can't can I? I can't do anything! Because of my stupid, broken body - !"

"Hey, hey!" Aaron crouched beside him, gently grabbing a hold of his hands. "Your body – your beautiful body, it isn't broken Robert!" Aaron said, desperation rife in his voice.

Robert's heart fluttered. Or maybe it was just giving up after all this walking. He just didn't know anymore. He'd let himself waste away to the point where he could no longer enjoy even the simple things. Food, long walks… even sex… it was all such a mission now.

"Look at me." Aaron commanded gently, tilting Robert's face toward him. "You're gonna get better." His own eyes were glistening with unshed tears, "Okay? This is just a temporary setback. You're gonna be fighting fit in no time!"

Robert swallowed his building tears, nodding. "Okay." He whispered, unconvinced. "I just – I wanted to remember my Mum and - "

"I know, I know." Aaron said, offering a loving smile. "And you are. I didn't know her, but I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted you to push yourself like this. She'd want you taking care of yourself. Right?"

Robert nodded slowly, "Yeah.

"Let me get you back home." Aaron said, offering his arm. "Your Gran will be worrying about you anyway!"

Robert leaned against Aaron's arm and pulled himself up. "Thanks. The cold is freezing my nuts off!"

* * *

_to be continued..._


End file.
